by Andrea Speed, A. B. Gayle, Jessie Blackwood, J. J Levesque, Katisha Moreish
Richard came to mind again. Lyle wasn’t haunted any more by his husband, but the memories were there, strong enough to make him lonesome and wistful. No photographs existed of him and Richard together, just the pictures in his head, pictures where he was wearing heels and skirts and make-up. Those images were feeling less and less a part of his world now, though, as his body chemistry realigned itself to his new life as a man. What would probably never go away, though, was the memory of Richard’s murder. It was the only scene as vivid in his head as that of their wedding day. Oddly, it jangled on his nerves less now than the recollection of wearing the iconic white crinoline princess costume that little girls were meant to crave all their young lives.
Lyle wanted to add new images to the collection in his head; pictures like the one of him and Gil attending the opening of the Renegade Steele, of their lingering public kiss. He even quite liked the memories of arguing with Flynn, flexing his muscles and growling at the pup, and feeling territorial about Gil when Miles had distracted his attention.
Yeah, it was worth risking losing friends in order to enjoy the present moment with them. With luck he could make a go of this latest identity, stay in Haven Falls and have the life he wanted. To make the most of that he needed to get over his past and create his future instead, and friendships were the place to start, even when really he wanted more from the person concerned. Everybody has friends they wish were lovers, after all, he thought as he was dressing. At least he’d been there with Gil the once.
*****
The restaurant was fairly busy, but not packed out. The restaurant’s advertised lunches sounded good and he was hungry. Lyle peered through the window looking for Gil. He didn’t want to sit alone at a table waiting, that would just look so sad-loser.
A hand slid under his elbow and suddenly Gil was beside him, smiling. “Sorry, misjudged how long it would take me to get here. You okay? You haven’t been waiting long have you?”
Lyle turned to face Gil, his own smile matching Gil’s for magnitude. “No, I just got here a few minutes ago. Place looks nice. We going Dutch?”
“My shout. I invited you. Besides, I need to talk to you...”
Is that a good thing or a bad one? Lyle wondered to himself.
Lyle wouldn’t admit it, but he was quite glad Gil had offered to pay. He hadn’t had his first paycheck from Vale yet and his banking was still being sorted out following his latest change of identity. The cash Agent Tyler had advanced him was not going to last too much longer.
Gil opened the door and paused for a fraction of a second before politeness won out and he held the door for Lyle. He was rusty over the whole ‘dating’ thing, and had little idea about the finer points; small things like whether or not your partner would be offended if you held open the door for him escaped him. Gil breathed a mental sigh of relief when Lyle didn’t seem to mind. He stepped past Gil, brushing a little closer than was necessary as he did so, and on into the welcoming interior. Gil smiled ruefully and followed him.
They secured a table in a fairly good spot and decided their choices from the menu. Lyle took the opportunity of checking out the other diners. There were a couple of families seated to the rear of the room, but the prime spots seemed to have been given to them and three other couples. He suspected that in the week the place did a good trade in business lunches and those business people came back at the weekend with their partners, confident of a decent meal.
“Thanks for inviting me, I didn’t think I’d hear from you again, at least for a while.” Lyle said, reaching across to touch Gil’s fingers briefly. The man’s hands fascinated him, they were strong, large, but he had discovered they were also capable of expressing great tenderness.
“I want to talk about something...” Gil blurted out, before the first course was even in sight. Might as well get it over with, he thought. Although he really wasn’t sure if now was the time or the place.
“You said. I’m all ears...”
Gil paused, but his witty retort died unformed. He gazed at Lyle but the man was looking out over the other diners and so didn’t see his expression. “Look, I’ve been honest with you, haven’t I?” Gil began, suddenly uncertain of his ground. “About you and me, I mean?”
“Yes. Look, I heard fine when you said it was a one night thing. I really didn’t expect you to follow up in any way, so it’s nice to be having lunch with you. I’m happy to be friends with you, Gil.”
“That’s what I...” Gil stalled. “Look, I’m moving house, did I tell you? Miles has offered to let me share his place. Its too big for him and mine’s too small for me and judging by how precious he is about his kitchen, I might find I get home-cooked dinners every night.” Gil chuckled.
‘Just good friends’ had sounded fine at the beginning. It was what Gil wanted, he’d made no bones about that. Gil worked with Miles, they had stuff in common, and obviously the paramedic cared about his colleague. The other night, Gil had come back to be with him even though Miles had drawn his attention for a while. So why, Lyle wondered, was he suffering from pangs of jealousy now?
“I wondered how you might feel about helping me move in...?” Gil fixed what he hoped was an innocent smile on his face and waited.
“Sure.”
Well, that was easy, Gil thought. Almost too easy actually. Where’s the catch? He eyed Lyle but the man seemed genuine. “You sure? Thanks. Actually, though, should have said this earlier. I was planning to move in this afternoon, while Miles is at work. He’s given me a key. I spent last night packing my clothes up, I don’t have much more.”
“Yeah, if you want. I don’t have much to do today.”
“I was hoping we could use your car? I need to drive the bike over and I can’t balance my cases on the back of it.”
“I figured. It’ll be fine.” Lyle wished the waiter would turn up to take their orders. He’d not have to pretend delight at Gil’s news then. “Do you want to get on with it as soon as we’ve eaten? I don’t think the weather is going to improve much, so we’ll just have to deal with it.”
“Okay...work lunch off, eh?” Gil smiled, a brief image of Lyle working out ran through Gil’s mind. For someone who thought he knew what he wanted, namely Miles Sutherland, images of the man sitting opposite were becoming a surprisingly regular occurrence. Their food arrived and both men tucked in, making small talk for a while—appreciative comments about the food, remarking on the ambiance of the place, inconsequential things that demanded nothing of either of them.
“You sure moving in with Miles is a good idea?” Damn, Lyle thought, didn’t mean to say that. He had no real reason to be concerned with Gil’s choice of flat-mate. The man was old enough to know his own mind, and if he thought living with Miles would make him happier then he, Lyle, had no earthly right or reason to gainsay it.
Gil glanced up, surprised. That had come out of left field. They might be friends—well, fledgling friends at any rate—but he hadn’t thought Lyle might pass an opinion on this. For a moment, he didn’t know how to reply, just sat there chewing a mouthful of pasta salad and using the distraction to order his thoughts. Why would Lyle think that? Gil swallowed, then followed it down with a gulp of soda before asking “What makes you concerned?”
Lyle used Gil’s pause to work up his reasons for what he’d said. “Well, I guess if it were me I’d question the sense of living with a colleague. You see each other all day and then have to stay civil when you get home, too? Not ideal, in my mind anyway. Plus, Miles seems a bit... scratchy, from what I’ve seen of him anyway. He was very nice to me, though, when I had to pick up that kid from the morgue the other day.”
Gil smiled. Thoughts of the irascible medic had invaded his mind again. Underneath the scratchy exterior he used as a shield, Miles was a good doctor. Compassion and kindness were there, plus something else that Gil couldn’t define. All of a sudden he didn’t feel he was being fair to Lyle. After all, he might be pining for something—or someone—he couldn’t have. Was Lyle
right? Had moving in with Miles been a hastily arrived at decision, a mistake, made in an effort to get closer to the man? Was he lying to himself and subconsciously seeking to place himself in Miles’ way? He lost the smile, suddenly uncertain of his own motives. “I can see your point,” Gil admitted and stared at his food, anything not to have to meet Lyle’s eyes. “In point of fact, though, I don’t work closely with him. I’m out on the ambulance every day, he’s based at the hospital. So our paths cross—,” Wasn’t that the understatement of the century, Gil thought, remembering the incident with Jason, “—but we’re not in each other’s back pockets all day.” Much as I’d like to be, he added to himself.
“Well, I suppose if he has a decent place and you’ll have more room and feel more comfortable it’s a good choice.” Lyle realised quite suddenly that he had a soft spot for Gil’s tiny flat, because of what they’d shared there after their night out at the Steele. He wasn’t going to be able to re-visit the scene of his deflowering and reminisce about it to himself. If he were to call on Gil once he moved he’d have Miles to contend with too, and he wasn’t prepared to share his secret with Doctor Miles Sutherland any time soon. Who was he kidding though? Clearly Gil had him relegated to the position of ‘useful acquaintance’ already. He didn’t need to worry about his situation being discovered through an unfortunate encounter in the lounge with Miles, or anywhere else. Being invited round to watch the rugby was probably the most he could hope for, and he wasn’t all that keen on spectator sports.
Gil came to a decision. “Look, Lyle...I know we...I...said what I said about not wanting a relationship...”
“Gil, it’s fine, really.” Lyle shifted in his seat. He wasn’t happy and he knew his body language was giving that away, but he really didn’t want to make a fool of himself right now; time enough for that later. Gil had been sweet and affectionate but it was what it was, nothing more. No amount of wishful thinking was going to change that, and he knew it.
On impulse, Gil grabbed Lyle’s hand across the table. He rubbed his thumb across the knuckles. “Lyle...” he closed his eyes and tried very hard to make his brain work. “I can’t promise anything...”
Gil’s touch was very distracting. What the hell was he playing at, though? How many times did the man need to hear his ‘no going steady’ policy had been understood?
“...but could we...I mean, if you’d like to, maybe...” Gil sighed. He was making no sense. “I was thinking, we might...you and me...just see how it goes? No strings...just...just take it one day at a time? Play it by ear...” He almost cringed at how muddled he sounded. But he liked Lyle and he was damned if he was going to pass up the chance if Miles wasn’t interested in him. Had he made mistake number...fuck, who was counting?
Lyle blinked. Gil had him confused now. “You’d like to...?” He wasn’t sure what he was asking about. Gil mumbled something and stared at his empty plate. Something didn’t feel right; Gil could have straight-out asked to date, but he hadn’t. So what was it he wanted? “Sorry, I’m a bit taken aback after what you said the other night. Why the change of tune? What are you asking for?”
The sigh was heartfelt and heavy. Gil met Lyle’s gaze briefly and then focused somewhere over his left shoulder. “I don’t know, that’s the problem.” Gil’s growl was so low and intense that he startled himself with his own vehemence. “I just know that I like you and, after the other night, just a one night stand seems wrong somehow. Only—,” he shook his head with exasperation, “—I don’t know if I can give you what you need. Things for me feel too uncertain. Lyle, did I tell you about...about Simon?”
“I don’t recall the name being mentioned. I was pretty stressed the other night at first though...” Lyle’s voice and volume dropped to an intimate purr, ”Then later I was pretty distracted by this sexy brunette who fucked me through the mattress.”
Gil laughed, he couldn’t help it. “You must have been dreaming.” He grinned and then the facade dropped. “Lyle, I’d like us to...well, to get together again. It’s just me. Simon was the guy I was with for six years. I met him through friends at college. I was only just out, well, to the outside world anyway. I’d known I was gay since I turned 15. I told mum, she just shrugged and said to give it a year then come back and tell her again. She was fine with it, so was dad, but they both advised caution.” He smiled, remembering his relief that his mum hadn’t turned a hair. “I had a fling with a mate in our first year, then we both got embarrassed and didn’t speak to each other for months. Simon was my first real date. My flatmates were a gay couple, Archie and Nev. They were nice lads, Simon was their friend. He was older, more experienced—you know the score. He was kind, gentle, generous, made it clear he was interested. Next thing I know, I’m having the most wonderful sex with the most gorgeous guy...” he stopped, blushed and glanced away again. “We were together for six years." Gil paused, staring into his glass.
"I felt so secure with him, I was thinking we would be together forever. I was really thinking I might pop the question, you know?” It hurt to remember that, the overwhelming joy that the idea had given him. It was funny what you recalled and what you didn’t. Good times went unremembered while bad times you couldn’t forget. “Out of the blue, I get a call. Some woman, asking for Simon. She wouldn’t give her name. When I told Simon, he brushed it off, said it was a woman from work hitting on him. I bought the lie.” Gil grimaced, he had been so damned gullible. Then again, he had been in love. “Turned out Simon was cheating on me. He had been since we got together. Six whole fucking years and there was me, the innocent abroad, no bloody idea that he was anything other than away on business, he was so damned careful. He swore he’d never had unprotected sex but I didn’t trust him. I got myself checked out but the wait...god, the wait was interminable. I swore if he’d infected me—with anything, didn’t matter what—I’d find him and kill him.” Gil paused to take a long pull at his drink. “Sorry, I’m boring you with my love life...”
“No, it’s okay, really. Get it off your chest.” Lyle offered, reluctant for Gil to stop talking, even though doing so in a public eatery might not be the ideal situation. He was finding out about Gil’s past, about what made Carter Gillespie tick, and that couldn’t be a bad thing. “So what happened?”
Gil glanced around, making sure nobody looked like they were listening. This was Sunday lunchtime and most people were happily prattling to their own circle of fellow diners. He lowered his voice anyway. “My mates happened. Archie telephoned me, said they had something they wanted to talk to me about.” That evening was indelibly etched in Gil’s memory. “Archie and Nev, they invited me round, handed me a brandy and sat me down. Then they proceeded to show me the photos. Seemed he was living a double life. He had a Facebook site under the name of Greg Middleton. There were photos of him with other men—and women—dancing, kissing, making out... I couldn’t believe it. Wouldn’t at first. I was in denial I think. Besides, I loved him, and love does strange things to you.”
There had been links to other blogs, thankfully non involving Gil. That would have been too much. But Archie and Nev had made a compelling argument. “Turned out a mate of Archie’s had called and they were looking over old photos when he spotted Simon. This mate had said ‘Oh, there’s Greg.’ When Archie tried to correct him, he told him he was wrong and said he could prove it. He showed him the Facebook site. Archie’s mate knew the woman he was seeing. Archie took it into his head to call round and found that Simon was there. Apparently he gave them both what for and told Simon in no uncertain terms what he could do with his friendship. When I confronted Simon he admitted he’d been seeing her for more than a year, and a few others besides. Simon had a string of partners. And Archie’s friend said he was dealing drugs on the side! Cocaine, pot, E, you name it. The whole thing was a complete mess. I did the girly thing and left him, ran home to mum.”
“Your Mum talks to you still then?” Lyle asked. He hadn’t had contact with any of his family, or his in-laws, since s
hortly after Richard’s death, and wouldn’t in the future either. “Your Dad too?”
“Thankfully yes. It was humiliating though, especially since they’d warned me off him to begin with. Bless them, they didn’t even say I told you so. But love is blind...” he shrugged defensively, “...which is why I’m in no hurry to make the same mistake. Does that make sense?”
Lyle had a steel ingot in his stomach all of a sudden. Good though it was, his steak had suddenly completely lost it’s allure. He pushed his plate away from him and wiped his mouth with his serviette. "Yes, it makes sense.”
It made perfect sense, unfortunately. He’d just been about to answer Gil’s request to be fuck buddies in the affirmative. The hormones he was on made him almost permanently horny and some ‘no strings’ sex would have been terrific, even if really he was looking for love too, but Gil had just made it an impossibility.
“Sorry, this wasn’t the time or the place, I got carried away...” Gil tried to smile and it failed to reach his eyes. “I was just trying to explain why I couldn’t...why I don’t want to commit to anything permanent yet... Hell, that came out wrong too! That makes me sound like an arrogant shit, expecting you’d want to...” He raised his gaze to Lyle’s again. “I’ve got about as much idea of this...I’m sorry. If we can’t be anything but friends, then I’d like to be that. If you never want to see me again....” He muttered something under his breath, too low for Lyle to hear. “...couldn’t blame you. I really shouldn’t have opened my big mouth, this was supposed to be a lunch date, not a counselling session!”
“I’m sorry your last boyfriend was a shit.” Lyle’s voice sounded flat. “Excuse me, I need the loo” He got up, resisting the urge to race to the toilet in favour of a ‘nothing to see here’ stroll. He was breathing hard and hoped Gil didn’t notice. He was pretty sure he was green too. Bugger, Gil would be all over him, expressing concern and plying him with medications if he noticed.