by Scott, Lisa
“Don’t I want to break up the conversation and ask about her?”
She shook her head. “No. Women are used to letting men take the lead. All the women’s magazines tell us to. If you don’t, we’ll assume something’s wrong. And that’s what my brothers do. They talk non-stop about themselves while the women just smile and nod. Works every time.”
“Okay.”
“Oh, and touch her.”
He looked panicked. “What? That’s legal?”
She held up a hand. “Don’t grope her. I’m talking about grazing her arm, her shoulder. Just a quick gesture.”
“Okay. You’re sure?” He narrowed one eye at her.
“Yep. It’s flirty. Now you’re going to want to ask for her number, but don’t call for several days.”
His big hand wrapped around the beer mug, and Kyla gave him a few more points because those hands looked promising.
He took a swig of beer. “But what if I want to make a date for the weekend? Don’t we need time to plan?”
She twirled a strand of hair around her finger. “Too bad. You wait at least three days. Make her think you’ve got other things going on and you’re going to squeeze her in. Like she’s lucky to have you.”
He cocked his head. “Where did you get this information from again?”
“Three brothers who have dated numerous beauty queens, flight attendants and models between them.”
“Any astronomers or mathematicians?”
Yeah, I’m definitely not his type. “I seriously doubt it. But the rules are the same for all women.”
“I wish I could take a quiz on this to make sure I’ve got it right.” He blew out a breath. “So, how do I start?”
Leaning forward, she laughed and ran her hand through his hair. His eyes widened and he froze as she caressed him. She smiled and talked through clenched teeth like a ventriloquist. “I’m fawning over you to make you seem attractive to the other women. Now, you go to the restroom, then approach a woman you like.”
“I don’t have to go to the bathroom.”
She rolled her eyes. “It’s just an excuse to walk away from me.”
“Fine. If I have to.”
“You sound like you’re ten years old.”
Stone grinned. “I wish I was still ten. It’s a lot more fun than being twenty-six. When you’re ten, girls are easy.”
“Excuse me? Easy?”
He rolled his eyes. “I don’t mean like trampy. When you’re ten, all girls have cooties, so dealing with them is easy—you just avoid them.”
She stifled a laugh. “You’re stalling, aren’t you?”
“Totally.”
She fished around for a piece of gum in her clutch. “You were fine playing peeping tom in the ladies evening wear section but you can’t approach a girl in a bar?”
He grunted something then walked to the restroom.
Kyla watched him approach the blonde with the boobs. He was saying something to her, and she blinked up at him. Then she slapped him. Kyla flinched. What the hell did he say now?
She expected him to slink back over to Kyla—or run out the door, but instead, he bounced on his toes, rolled his neck and headed for the other side of the bar. This time, he approached a cute Hispanic woman—who threw a drink in his face thirty seconds later.
He looked at Kyla, totally dumbfounded. She waved him over and he made a beeline for her.
“What the hell happened?” Kyla asked.
Rubbing the cheek where he’d been slapped, he groaned. “Blondie didn’t think the ten-year-old-girl joke was as funny as you did.”
“I didn’t think it was funny.”
He looked hurt. “You laughed.”
“I didn’t laugh; I smirked. At you. I was smirking at you not the joke. And what about the other gal?”
“I said, ‘Hey, pretty lady. I’ll do whatever it takes to get you into my car.’ I was playing off a car commercial I heard the other day. I wanted to be original.”
Kyla groaned. “That would be original for a kidnapper. Not a guy looking for a decent date.” Kyla let out a long sigh. “Okay. New rule. No lines, no jokes. Just walk up to a woman, say, ‘Hey, how you doing? I’m Stone. Can I get you a drink?’ Can you handle that?”
“Absolutely.”
She stared at him for a moment, uncertain. Then she shooed him away.
Stone wandered around the room, before finally approaching a brunette sitting by herself in the back. He sat down next to her, said a few words, and then promptly came back to Kyla.
“What did you do this time?”
“Nothing. I said hello, introduced myself and asked if I could buy her a drink. Then I touched her.”
Kyla gulped. “Where?”
“Her humeral head.”
She felt her eyes widen. “What? What is that? Where is that? And why would an astrophysicist know that?”
“I considered pre-med for a while. And the humeral head is here.” Stone touched the area above his armpit.
“I said her arm or shoulder.”
“That was nearly her arm or shoulder. My aim was off.”
“That was almost groping her chest!” Kyla ran her hands through her hair. “What did she say?”
“She shooed me away and told me she’s a lesbian. And the designated driver. And that she doesn’t speak English.”
“Hmm.”
“It might’ve been the truth; it did look like she was drinking a coke.” Stone’s brow wrinkled and he looked around the room. “I think that big naked mermaid is making me nervous. I’m trying so hard not to look at her, but it’s a very lifelike painting.”
Kyla clapped her hands together. “Okay. Plan B. We’re going to take things down a notch and get around a lot of women in a less stressful environment. I’m going to a Tupperware party on Wednesday. Lots of ladies, and it’ll be very casual. You can come with me. I’ll say you’re a friend who’s hopelessly disorganized and looking for some good storage solutions.”
“But that’s not true. I’m very well organized.”
“Pretend you’re not.”
He shrugged. “Do I have to buy Tupperware?”
“At least some modular mates. I’m sure you don’t have those. And remember everything that I’ve taught you tonight.”
***
Kyla was flat ironing her hair, when her phone rang. It was her friend Maureen, who was hosting the Tupperware party. “What’s up Mo? Need me to pick up something from the store?”
“No! I need you to get your behind over here. There’s a guy here named Stone who showed up twenty minutes early asking if he can get me a drink. He’s looking in our liquor cabinet right now! He says he’s a friend of yours?”
Kyla slapped her head. “I’m sorry. I was going to introduce you when I got there. I didn’t think he’d be there so early. Don’t worry, he’s a nice guy.”
“Is he like, your date or something?” Maureen asked.
“Uh, no. Not a date. Don’t I get a free mini-grater for bringing a guest? I needed a grater, so I’m bringing him. He’s my guest.”
Maureen sucked in a breath. “Oh, he just bent over. His butt is cute. He can stay. He’s kinda hot.”
“Yeah, he is,” Kyla said.
“But a little strange…”
“Yeah, that too.” But that was growing on Kyla. Despite his best intentions to be someone he wasn’t, he had a genuine quality about him that she liked. Hopefully, she’d find someone else who’d like it, too. Someone else who was smart, like him. “Hang on, I’ll be right there.”
But by the time she got changed and stopped for gas, she was fifteen minutes late. She walked into Mo’s living room where twelve women sat laughing. And not just laughing-about-a-funny-joke laughing, laughing in that flirty way where breasts are shoved forward and fingers graze necks. A little higher pitched than usual. Ugh. The laughter of women who hadn’t been flirted with in a while.
“Oh, Kyla! You missed it. Our new friend Stone just ordered e
ach of us a mega tumbler,” said Kyla’s sister, Aubrey. Her hands were clasped in her lap like she was about to sigh dramatically. Aubrey batted her lashes, instead.
That was followed by a roomful of giggles, the likes of which she hadn’t heard since junior high.
Stone shrugged. “Drinkware’s on me!”
The ladies clapped and hooted. Stone grinned. Kyla’s friend, Stephanie, popped up and squeezed his bicep, the newlywed floozy. “We just love your friend, Kyla.”
Kyla walked over and forced a smile, grabbing Stone’s other bicep. She yanked him into the front entryway, pushing aside the jumble of boots and high heels. “What are you doing?” she asked. “You totally freaked out Maureen by showing up early without me. And you’re flirting with married women! Can’t you see their rings?”
He scratched his head. “Hey, you invited me here. And you told me to always get to a place before the woman does. So I showed up early. I offered to make cocktails because you told me I should have a drink waiting, but Maureen had two boxes of wine all set up, so I couldn’t do that. And I couldn’t buy anyone a drink, so I brought them a drink…cup.” He wrinkled his nose. “Stupid, huh?”
“A little. And expensive.”
“Hey, I got a free microwave rice steamer for ordering twelve tumblers.”
Kyla spun her finger in the air and said, “Woo-hoo. Now get in there, pick a woman without a wedding ring and start flirting. Get them talking about you.” She poked him in the chest. His impressively hard chest.
He sucked in a breath and squared his shoulders. “Okay boss, I’m on it.”
Stone didn’t have to work too hard. The minute he marched back into the room, Mo’s cousin, Maria, a cute redhead, patted the seat next to her. Kyla couldn’t concentrate on the salad spinner demonstration with all the whispering and giggling from Stone and his new friend. Kyla took a long swig of her wine. After the disaster at the bar, she hadn’t expected him to regroup so quickly. Maybe the mermaid really had made him nervous.
Maria giggled one more time then got up from the couch and headed for the bathroom. Kyla dashed to the hallway to get the scoop. “What do you think of Stone?” she asked.
Maria sighed. “He’s great. You are so lucky to have a gay friend. I’ve always wanted one to go shopping with, and teach me how to arrange flowers and gossip with. Every girl needs a gay friend. That’s what I read in a magazine the other day. Can we share him?” She shrugged and wrinkled her nose. “I gotta pee. Be right back.” She hurried off to the bathroom.
Kyla caught Stone’s eye and crooked her finger, beckoning him over. “What’s going on?” she asked him.
Stone shrugged and planted his hands on his hips. “I think she likes me.”
Kyla rolled her eyes. “She thinks you’re gay.”
He jerked back. “What? Why? Do I seem gay?” He looked down at his shoes. “Is it the argyle socks? Was I wrong about those?”
Her eyes swept over his chiseled cheekbones and cool, gray eyes. The way her heart was beating just looking at him had her shaking your head. “Nope. Not gay. At all.” She swallowed hard. “Not to me. So what were you talking about with her? You must’ve said something to make her think that.”
He looked up at the ceiling, thinking. “I waited for her to ask about me, but she didn’t. So then I asked her about her shoes, because I’ve heard girls like shoes. In fact, I had originally thought about staking out the shoe department at the mall, but I thought that might shout ‘foot fetish.’”
“Right. Now, back to Maria. What did you say to her about the shoes?” Kyla asked, trying her best to be patient.
“Well, after that, she started talking about her favorite store and the new scarf she bought and I asked if it’s silk, because I used to love dressing up in my mom’s silk nightgown when I was a little boy and then I told her how I found a silky dress at the mall the other day that felt exactly the same. I just love silk.”
Kyla remembered trying on her mother’s silky nightgowns, too. The two of them had been really close. Until Kyla had screwed everything up. And the thought of screwing up brought her right back to the present. “So, you told her this? About the nightgown?”
He shrugged. “Yeah, why not? I told Mom I’d tried it on cause I liked how it felt. She let me sleep in it. My mom was cool. She didn’t want to limit her children’s experiences by stereotypical world views and expectations.”
Kyla pinched the bridge of her nose. “I meant, you told Maria that you used to dress up in your mother’s nightgown? And that you were in the dress department the other day?”
“Yes.” He bit his lip. “Oh, I see now how that might be confusing.”
Kyla set her hands on his shoulders. “Just out of curiosity, what’s your IQ?”
“One-fifty.”
She whistled. “Wow. You could be in Mensa or something.”
He shook his head. “Too busy to make the meetings.”
She nodded, understanding things now; the smart part of his brain had gobbled up all his common sense. “Okay, let’s try again. There are a few more single women in there, go give it another shot and do not talk about fabrics or clothing or footwear. And remember, no lines, no jokes. If they don’t ask about you first, tell them something about yourself and let it go from there. Got it?”
He nodded. “Got it.”
Somehow, she doubted it.
Stone found a chair next to Mo’s neighbor, Gayle. Kyla nodded in approval. Gayle was pretty, single, and had a good job.
She watched them chat during the who’s-got-the-most-crap-in-their-purse-game. Stone got a special prize for having nothing but his wallet in his pockets—since he didn’t have a purse. Or a European man bag, thank God. By the time the party was over, he was walking toward Kyla with a slip of paper in his hand. “I got Gayle’s number!”
“Shh,” Kyla said, slipping her new grater into her purse. “Be cool. Let’s meet at the pub, and you can tell me everything.”
When Stone left, Aubrey scooted over to Kyla. “Stone’s cute,” Aubrey said.
“And it looks like he’s got a date with Gayle. Sorry, little sis. Besides, he’s…”
“He’s what?” Aubrey scrunched her eyebrows.
Kyla thought for a moment. “He’s unlike anyone I’ve ever gone out with.”
“Wait, he’s got a date with Gayle and he’s going out with you?”
“No!” God, I did said that, didn’t I? “We’re just friends. He just wouldn’t be right for either of us.”
“I have a three-thousand square foot condo on Beacon Street and no one to share it with,” Aubrey said.
“I told you to start slow with all that money.” Kyla hated being the bossy big sister. “You’ll find someone, Aubrey.”
“I know,” Aubrey said.
Too bad Kyla didn’t have the same optimism for herself.
“At least we’ve got each other for Valentine’s Day, right?”
Kyla looped her arm around her sister. “Right.”
***
Kyla drove to the bar and parked her car. She tilted the rear view mirror, freshened up her makeup, and wished her hair looked fuller. Which was ridiculous. She wasn’t interested in Stone. No! No. They were way too different. Besides, she wouldn’t be seeing him again after tonight. She’d promised to teach him how to get him a date and it had worked. Her work here was done. She’d collect her hundred bucks and…
And what? Sit at home and watch Lifetime for Women and make fun of the plot lines? Try to find a cooking show that featured meals for one? Maybe she’d imagine all the ways she could be spending her mother’s money if she wasn’t so damn stubborn. She merely tolerated her job, and she hadn’t had a long-term relationship since… She shook her head. Kyla wasn’t even going to go there.
She walked into the bar and Stone was there before her, so she gave him a few mental points for that. I should advertise my services, she thought to herself. I’m a dating coach. A romance guru. Wouldn’t her mother love that? Ha! Ky
la saw that Stone had already ordered her a drink.
“Very nice. Thanks,” she said, genuinely impressed with him. And her handy work. “So, tell me what happened with Gayle?”
“Well, she asked me what I do for a living, so I explained that I just got my PhD and I’m still looking for work, because NASA’s not hiring. And she laughed at that for some reason, but it’s true, they’re not. I’ve been thinking about working at a kids’ science museum, but I didn’t go to school for a hundred years to take some teenager’s weekend job away from him.” He took a deep breath. “Anyway, then she said that must be tough money wise, which I thought was quite understanding of her. She didn’t seem phased when I told her I sometimes take an odd job here or there to make ends meet. I thought she’d run away at that news, but she smiled.”
Kyla nodded for him to go on.
“And then we even got to talking about kids, and if I like them, if I’ve had experience with them.”
“Huh.” Something was niggling Kyla’s brain but she couldn’t place it. “But you got her number, right?”
“That I did.” He plucked it out of his pocket and waved it at her. “She suggested we try things out this Saturday. I told her I’d think about it.” He grinned. “I’ll wait a few days to call her like you said.”
“That’s great! See?” She patted his knee and resisted the urge to squeeze it. “I told you I could help you. That’s probably the best hundred bucks you’ve ever spent.”
“Right. Time to pay up.” He reached for his wallet and took out a few bills. “But one thing did surprise me. She asked me for references. I thought that was a little weird, but then I figured she must be doing something like you’re doing with the pre-dating survey. Makes sense, when you think about it. If I can have an old girlfriend vouch that I’m a good guy, that’ll make her more interested. Although I don’t think Susan will give me a reference. The girl I took to junior prom might, though…” He rubbed his chin.
Kyla made a timeout sign. “She asked you for references?”