by Meg Xuemei X
This troubled, tormented, and moody Kai looks even more desirable. Suddenly, I’m afraid he’ll back off from courting me and find a mature girl, someone like Sha Sha. I must help him get rid of his unnecessary guilt. I lean my forehead against his. “You’re only three years older than me, Kai,” I persuade him with a sweet voice, mimicking from Sha Sha. “How perverted can you be?”
That doesn’t seem to comfort him.
THE TWINS
“Is that her?” one of the twins asked in disdain.
The deputy mayor’s twin daughters go to the same school as I do. They’re the most popular girls at school. If Kai didn’t stalk me at the school gate, the twins would never have laid their judgmental eyes on me. In the hierarchy, they’re the elite class, and I’m the ultimate outcast. Not that I mind my status. The feeling is mutual. I treat the whole school like an irrelevant object.
The twins and their minions are gathered at the end of the hallway, next to the third floor stairs. As seniors, they have classes on the second floor. As a junior, I have classes on the fourth floor. So, there’s no reason for them to be there.
When I come down the stairs on the third day, the twins and their pack—all seven of them—glare at me. I haven’t had this type of greeting for years, and I’m not particularly thrilled to have it now.
I put my hand into my bag and hold tightly onto a sharp pencil. They can’t attack me in public like this, but you can never be sure. Teenagers can go crazy, especially when some of them haven’t learned proper self-control. No matter what happens next, I’ll not give my enemies a second chance. I’ll have to maim the ringleader, with a fatal strike, so I can stop the others. I’ll be acting in self-defense.
“Is that her?” asks the twin. She wants me to hear the spite in her tone.
I gaze, unfeeling, through them all. They’re nothing to me. One of the girls nods to confirm, as if having identified a small-time criminal in a lineup.
I don’t know which twin Sha Sha is. If she’s the angelic one, her voice and demeanor should fit her image. The voice targeting me sounds harsh. Then again, when an angel is angry, wouldn’t she sound like spitting fire? And who can be angrier than Sha Sha, if she thinks I’m out to steal her “boyfriend?”
“Ta Sha,” the other twin warns gently, “Don’t say another word. I’ll take care of this my way.”
Now I know who’s who. Sha Sha has the sweetest, most silvery voice I’ve ever heard.
“I’m not saying anything. I’m . . .” Ta Sha makes a drastic pause. “Disappointed. I thought she would have something you don’t, or would at least be cute, if she thinks she can lay her fingers on your boyfriend. But this girl is the dirt that covers the gem.”
“Be nice, Ta,” Sha Sha says.
I carry on with my usual non-committal attitude as I descend slowly toward them.
“If there really is a competition, I want it to be fair, just like I’ve shown the other girls,” Sha Sha says softly, confidently. I know my appearance has done a great job boosting her ego.
My baggy, worn, dark green coat droops off my shoulders, but I’m glad it covers the layers of even worse quality clothing underneath. However, to my regret, it isn’t long enough to hide the top part of my drab, brown, and oversized pants, which hang loose around my butt. And I don’t need to look down to see how unflattering my worn-out flat cotton shoes are. For a moment, I seriously doubt what Kai sees in me.
In contrast to my hideous garb, the twins wear identical tight, red wool tops, which highlight their firm bosoms and slim waists. The corner of my eye fixes on Sha Sha. Her white ankle-length skirt makes her resemble a princess.
I continue down the stairs.
The pack doesn’t expect my lack of reaction and seems irritated with the lack of effect they have on me. During their hostile silence, I reach the turn at the second floor stairs and continue on toward the first floor.
“Hey you!” I hear the harsh twin’s voice calling after me. I ignore her.
The scurrying footsteps of the pack follow after me. I don’t run. I don’t turn. But my heart pounds like a hunted feral animal’s. My ears prick, listening to the noises to determine their next move. My hand has taken out the pencil, grasping the sharp end with my fist and hiding the rest of its length inside my sleeve. I calculate the best angle for a counterattack if one of them assaults me from behind.
We’re out in the open now. Instead of attacking me from behind, the pack blocks my path. I hold my ground, ready to lash out at a first sign of assault.
“I’m talking to you!” Ta Sha stands before her pack, looking at me in a superior way.
“Are you sure you’re talking to me?” I say. “I’m not a hey you. I have a name.”
“I’m talking to you, but I don’t know your name!” She cocks her chin.
“That’s interesting,” I say with a mildly bored look. “Is it a habit of yours to stop strangers for no reason?”
“Don’t pretend! You know the reason!” she says.
Her twin arrives, standing between her and me, so we form a triangle.
“This is boring.” I yawn. “Please get out of my way. Unlike you, I have business to attend to.”
“We’re not getting out of your way until you tell us what’s going on between you and my sister’s boyfriend!” Ta Sha folds her arms across her chest. The pack follows suit.
“Your sister’s boyfriend?” I scan the crowd. “Who’s he? And who’s your sister? Hmm, this is getting ridiculous. I don’t even know who you are.”
“Stop pretending! Everyone knows who I am!” Ta Sha says.
“Wow, you must be important then,” I say. “But still, I don’t know you. You got a name? I’ll also need your sister’s name and your sister’s boyfriend’s name, so I can connect the dots and figure out the reason you said I know when you stopped me for a reason that I don’t know.”
Ta Sha grits her teeth.
“She might not know us,” Sha Sha says.
Another girl, who previously identified me to the twins, nudges Ta Sha and whispers in her ear. “She doesn’t pay attention to anyone. That’s how she is. She doesn’t even recognize her teachers and her own classmates.”
Wrong. I hear everything. I see everything. I know everyone. Only I acknowledge no one.
“All right!” Ta Sha says. “Let me spell it out for you. I’m Ta Sha. My sister is Sha Sha. We’re twins. Kai is my sister’s boyfriend!”
“Oh, Kai. I know him.” I keep baiting her. “Why didn’t you mention his name earlier so we could save time swapping info back and forth?”
“That’s why I asked you what’s going on between you and Kai!” Ta Sha says.
“I don’t recall that being your original question.” I shrug. “I remember you saying, quote: ‘We’re not getting out of your way until you tell us what’s going on between you and my sister’s boyfriend!’ unquote.”
Ta Sha’s fists clench at her sides.
“Ease, Ta,” the angel twin chimes in. “I told you to let me talk.” She studies me. I keep a straight face. A pitiful smile flashes in her big, brown eyes. She’s decided that I’m socially inept.
Ta Sha bounces on the balls of her feet. “It’s the same thing! Kai is my sister’s boyfriend. The whole world knows!”
“The whole world knows,” the pack echoes.
“Really?” I widen my eyes in curiosity. “Can you find XiangChun, the name of our small town, on the world map? Maybe I’m the only one who missed it. But suppose you’re right about the whole world knowing your sister and Kai, and that Kai is your sister’s boyfriend. I bet my neighbor Kai will be awfully excited about his newfound celebrity status. However, my scientific mind requires me to carry out research and check the facts—”
“Cut the crap!” Ta Sha snaps. “Just tell us why Kai came to see you at the school gate!”
“Do I look like a mind reader to you?” I ask. “Maybe you should ask the right questions. Just a suggestion.” My words are provocative, but
my voice is low and soft, and my tone stays even and humble.
Ta Sha’s face turns an angry shade of crimson. I think she regrets that she came to me unprepared. She didn’t expect a girl like me to be able to hold her own. But she still isn’t backing off. Even if I’m the tigress, I’m a loner, and she runs in a pack.
“Let me rephrase my question, then, to make it as simple as possible, for a girl of your intelligence,” she says with a smug smile, pleased with her clever lines.
“Sure, I’m a simple girl,” I say.
“Last Friday, Kai waited for you at the school gate. What did he say to you?” Ta Sha demands. “I believe this is a simple enough question.”
“Yes, quite simple,” I say. “So why don’t you go ask him directly?”
Before Ta Sha spits, Sha Sha says softly, “We’re all girls, so we think it’s best that we check with you first. If there are issues, we girls can work it out between ourselves.”
“What issues?” I ask. “Do we have an issue?”
“You know what it is!” Ta Sha points an accusing finger at me.
Sha Sha lays her hand on the arm of her twin; her smile toward me never falters. “I’d really appreciate it if you can tell me what Kai said to you at the gate. I’m older and have more experience. I can be a mentor to you, so you won’t misstep when it comes to a boy.”
“You really want to know?” I ask.
All the girls nod eagerly.
“He asked me—” I steal a glance over my shoulder, making sure no one outside the circle can hear. As the girls move closer to me, I say in a hushed voice, “He asked me if he could have the honor of giving me a foot massage.”
The girls look stupefied. Ta Sha’s face turns scarlet again. Sha Sha blinks. “What?”
“Kai is Sha Sha’s boyfriend,” Ta Sha says. “No one steals him from her, and definitely not someone like you.”
I drop the pencil swiftly into my sleeve and hold up both hands, palms facing the girls. The pack stares at my hands, counting fingers, and some are trying to interpret my sign language. I turn my palms around. “You think these small hands could steal the big wolf boy?”
A few girls shake their heads no. Ta Sha looks like she wants to slap me. I meet her glare.
“I won’t underestimate you, Xirena,” Sha Sha chimes in with an angelic voice. “I want a fair competition.”
“How can this thing compete with you?” Ta Sha turns to her sister. “It’s ridiculous that you wanted to talk to her in the first place. He’s way out of her league. Look at you, and look at her.”
The pack turns their heads at Sha Sha, then at me. One is a princess, the other a beggar. They all nod and look back to Ta Sha for further instruction.
“Ta, let me finish my words, please,” Sha Sha says, turning to me. “I actually can see what Kai sees in you, and I admire him for that.”
No wonder she’s called the angel. Kai’s words resonate in my head, “Sha Sha is the sweetest girl I’ve ever known.” But I don’t like her sweetness as much as Kai does.
“Even as a kid, Kai always had a tender heart for stray or wounded animals.” A nostalgic smile rolls onto Sha Sha’s face. “When we tended them together, he said he’d marry me when we grew up so we could give wounded animals a home.”
I snort, but beneath I’m furious.
Ta Sha sends me a nasty, warning look, but her twin tolerates my behavior, obviously feeling it necessary to treat me as a homeless animal.
“I’ve watched you for two days. You’re always alone. Kai could be drawn to you because he thinks you’re lost and you need help,” Sha Sha continues.
“Does Kai know that you know his heart and mind like clockwork?” I ask. “He’ll be impressed.”
“We’ve known Kai since we were kids. How long have you known him, two months?” Ta Sha cuts in.
I shrug a shoulder.
“I understand him more than anyone,” Sha Sha says. “So I’ll help him with this project of his. Xirena, you’re welcome to join our circle. You’re not alone anymore.”
She regards me as Kai’s charity project, and she expects me to show gratitude, because any other girl would be thrilled to be invited into the twins’ clique.
“Sha, are you crazy?” Ta Sha says. “You’ll let this freak hang out with us?”
“Don’t call her that,” Sha Sha says. “If Kai befriends her, I want to befriend her too.”
“I’m so touched,” I say.
Sha Sha beams. “Kai will approve. So I’ll see you in his studio with all the other girls?”
“You bet,” I say. And they let me go. Both sides are satisfied.
A week later, Ta Sha comes to me alone. It seems the situation hasn’t improved for her twin; Sha Sha hasn’t gotten a private session with Kai, I haven’t shown up even once in the studio with all the girls, and worse, Kai hasn’t been available all week.
“You’re playing dirty, Xirena,” This time the devil twin acknowledges my name.
“What do you mean?” I adopt an innocent tone.
Ta Sha narrows her eyes. “Don’t think I don’t know your reputation! No matter how sneaky you are, you won’t have him! He might show a little interest in you out of pity. But when he learns who you are, he’ll drop you like a used, smelly shoe. And my twin will shine even brighter.”
“Like a pair of new shoes made of authentic leather?” I ask.
“Do yourself a favor.” Ta Sha gnashes her teeth. “Stop throwing yourself shamelessly at him before things get ugly.”
“How ugly,” I say, “if I may ask?”
“You’ll regret the day you were born!” she says.
“Wonderful!” I flash a thin smile, and she steps back, surprised, then she frowns. No one has seen me smiling except Kai. I might have just spooked her, which is my intention. “Bring it on. I can’t wait to regret my birth over and over.”
“It’s a war then.” The faint lines around her soft lips harden. “I’ll make you cry ten times more than you’ve made my sister weep!”
“I don’t know if that will happen,” I say. “If you know my reputation as you claimed, then you should know I don’t cry. So I’d appreciate some pointers from you on that matter.”
“I have no pointers for you! But let me remind you: you’re a minor, in case you don’t know the school’s regulations. And keep in mind: I’m not as nice as my sister. I can play harder ball than you.” Tossing back her long, curly hair, she stalks off with her head held high.
Her words aren’t empty threats. They take an immediate effect the next day. At school, censorious eyes follow me wherever I go. When I stare back, they look away, but when I turn around, the eyes bore into me again, like flies I can’t wave away. I can hear the word “slut” buzzing in everyone’s head. It’s elementary school all over again.
They’re circulating dark stories about my past. And I hear all. I’ve learned to be inconspicuous when I want to. Someone obviously has gone out of her way to dig up dirt on me.
On Friday morning, a loudspeaker announces an emergency assembly. The school holds only two public congregations annually, one at the beginning of the summer semester, the other at the end of the year. If there is an additional gathering, it’s for grave issues.
The whole school gathers at the dusty open court. The headmaster, a middle-aged, thin-faced, bureaucratic-looking man, and some other teachers and administrators, sit behind a row of desks like executors with grim expressions at the head of the court. Mr. Headmaster holds an old-fashioned loudspeaker, testing its volume with a series of “uh” and “ak” sounds and some faked coughs.
These public meetings are intolerably dull and full of phony politics. When the speaker opens his mouth, it signals naptime for me. But I’m always careful not to be caught.
A sudden piercingly loud declamation from the loudspeaker jerks me awake and I catch the words “. . . a minor among you is reported to be having an indecent relationship with a society boy . . .”
It dawns on m
e at once that I’m the target! My eyes widen; my heart clatters like a ticking time bomb. I didn’t expect this. I don’t care if they make me take a walk of shame. I can dance on the gravestone of shame, but I can’t let them kick me out—I’ll be falling through the cracks of the system. If that happens, no college would ever admit me. I’d even be banned from taking the National Higher Education Entrance Examination, a prerequisite for entrance into all universities.
I stare ahead helplessly, sweating, watching all doors closing on me—I’ll never reach the sky. I’ll never have freedom.
“. . . to root out the weeds.” The address drags on. “We’ll expel such an individual when we have solid evidence. We’ll not publicly name that student at today’s meeting . . . but to those who set out to ignore or break the rules of our school policies and follow the footstep of this morally loose person, consider this a final warning as well . . .”
I steady my breath. My heart returns to my rib cage. A joy of resurrection almost makes me cry. It’s a public address and warning, but they aren’t expelling me. They can’t prove that Kai and I are actually an item, or they’d have burned me at the stake. I take a mental note to remind myself to be extremely watchful from now on. I’ll make sure no one has the pleasure of tossing the first match.
Row after row, heads turn to me like waves; their collective stare is like the heat from a magnifying glass under the high noon sun, and their hushed whispers are countless sharp weeds whiffing in the wind.
My icy stare sweeps over them, but it’s no use. I’m only one person. And they’re a collective machine that is too large and powerful for me to fight back.
Despite the jeopardy my future is facing, I decide not to back down from seeing Kai. I’m one stubborn girl, who despises spinelessness.
But with a sick ache in my stomach, I expect the inevitable. Once the stigma of my past joins this public shame and the wave of garbage reaches him, Kai won’t want to get his feet dirty. When the day comes and he challenges me, I’ll not defend my honor.