by Sadie Conall
I tried to think back to when I first fell with Harry. I couldn’t remember losing my taste for tobacco, although I remembered well enough the movement of the ships we had taken on our way to Alexandria from New Orléans and then north to England. And just thinking of the movement of those ships made me feel nauseous again and I looked up at the full moon rising above the mountains, a massive orb of white light, the stars concealed behind it.
Yet I hardly saw its beauty, instead my mind dared to believe that I carried Ryder’s babe. And what should I tell him? For I couldn’t be sure when the babe was due. Perhaps in November. The same month as Ryder’s own birthday. By then we should have returned to the Snake River Plain after our summer up north by the Salmon River.
I glanced up at him as he turned to smile at me. “I can hardly wait for the heat of summer and to get settled in the north. And I can’t wait to spend more time with you and Harry.”
I nodded, loving him more than I loved my own life, which was a dangerous thing for I knew if I had to, I would fight again to the death to protect him and Harry.
He set his pipe aside, finished with it and uttered a long soft sigh of contentment. We both turned to watch the new moon rise higher, leaving a path of brilliance in its wake, lighting the mountains and forests and rivers below as though it were close to dawn, not deep night. It looked eerie and stunningly beautiful.
“I remember sitting out here with you years ago smoking our pipes, talking about that journey we had to make down the mountain to the Bannock, both of us wondering if I would survive it. And now here we are,” he said, turning to me. “Yet how you must have wondered at that stranger who came into your cave.”
I laughed. “Haa, halfbreed, but you were worth the risk.”
Ryder smiled and turned to me, swinging his body around to look at me. “I think it was fate we met through esa, although in truth we were destined to meet. For I was on my way to winter over with the Shoshone, as a guest of Kokon. So eventually I would have seen you walking around the Bannock village and I would have insisted Kokon introduce me. Although perhaps you would have spurned me. For you wanted nothing more than your mountains and the Bannock and esa. I think I might have struggled to have you fall in love with me. For had we not met through esa, had we not lived together in your cave or shared Ese-ggwe’na’a’s lodge, you would not have sought my acquaintance. So, I do believe we have much to thank esa for.”
I smiled, thinking of those distant days. “Oh, I have no doubt I would have treated you with distain, halfbreed. For I know only too well just how proud and arrogant I was. Nothing else mattered, certainly not you, for I thought I had it all.”
Ryder smiled. “Haa, but I was also at fault for I was reckless with my feelings and if anyone were proud and arrogant, it was me. But you showed me what it was to love.”
He held my gaze for a long moment and I drowned in those blue eyes dark with love, the light from that new moon illuminating his face, allowing me to see everything I needed to. There was only truth there.
“Ryder,” I said, feeling the words come, yet with hesitation, because I wasn’t sure of them. “I think I carry your child. And if nothing untoward happens and I have my dates right, I believe the babe due in November, around your birthday.”
He said nothing for a moment and I saw the bewilderment on his face, then he blinked as though absorbing my words and then he laughed aloud, bending to kiss me and I felt the heat of that kiss, the touch of it searing my lips like a gift.
“Are you sure?” he asked.
“As sure as I can be. Although it’s early days.”
We spoke then of the babe and everything else. Of our journey north to the Salmon River and how I would cope, although I assured Ryder I was in good health. We spoke of our Bannock friends and family and Harry and what Te’tukhe might end up doing. Although Ryder was almost sure his brother would stay with the Bannock, until we left for England at least, in another few years. Then he and Wannge’e would probably head south to Comanche lands, before making their final home with the Hŭŋkpapĥa, at Allard Lemoine’s compound.
I curled up around Ryder’s large body, my head against his chest, feeling his heart beat beneath the warmth of the woollen blanket and I felt a peace I had never known. The past was done. It no longer haunted me. I knew the path ahead was with Ryder and Harry and this new babe I carried and that was all I needed. And whatever lay ahead for us, the good along with the bad, we would face it together.
Ryder bent down to kiss the top of my head as I lay cradled against him, every part of our bodies touching, but as I turned to once more look out over that brilliantly lit sky as the moon rose higher, seeming to fill the horizon with its light, I caught a whiff of their scent.
I sat up, feeling deathly afraid, even as Ryder moved with me, for both of us saw the grey timber wolf suddenly appear at the top of the pathway, on the edge of the plateau. I heard Ryder’s soft oath as we both reached for our muskets as another wolf appeared and then another, until there were a pack of them, too many to count. Some two dozen or more.
We both moved to stand, our muskets held out before us, but we were hopelessly outnumbered.
“Dear Lord,” Ryder said in dismay as the wolves moved towards the gate of the grove, which we had left open. They could smell the horses and even as we thought on the horror of it, for the horses were both hobbled, we heard the high-pitched neigh from them as they became aware of the wolves.
There was no way of getting to them. And we didn’t bring enough shot and powder out here to fight them all off. We could kill one or two, but there were so many.
But the wolves didn’t appear interested in the horses, not yet anyway, as they stepped slowly towards us, their heads lowered as they snarled, as low growls came from the back of their throats, revealing awful fangs. And then as suddenly as they appeared, they all pulled back. And then he was there. My esa. My great white wolf, moving with confidence among his pack.
I should have recognized them, for now I saw the smaller wolves at the back, all white with yellow eyes and replicas of their father. And they might not have hurt me, for I remembered esa bringing these wolves to me, to warn them off me, but they might have hurt Ryder. And in defending him, for I would have Ryder’s back until my last breath, they would have destroyed me.
As esa made his way between them, looking enormous next to the others, the wolves continued to move back to allow him entry onto the plateau.
“Dear Lord,” Ryder said again, just as an older grey female appeared behind esa. We both knew her to be esa’s mate, for we had met her years ago. She had been with me and esa when Ryder came to find me, to ask me to be his wife.
Esa stopped and stared at me, then he looked at Ryder before turning to growl at the pack around him. Almost as one the wolves turned and left, disappearing down that path and back into the woods until esa stood alone, his yellow eyes seeming to reflect the light of the moon like some ethereal being. Then he slowly came towards us. Ryder and I watched, unsure what he would do, then not twelve feet from where we stood, he paused, then lay down. I sat down heavily. Ryder joined me, yet I could feel him trembling, as I was.
“I think esa and his pack have just claimed this plateau for their own,” I said. “Yet he is welcome to it, for in truth it was his home as much as it ever was my own.”
We watched as he growled once then rolled over on his back, twisting and turning in the new spring grass. And although he looked tame enough, I knew he was not. Gentle and passive with me when alone, I knew in fact he was now quite wild.
But he would protect us. While he was alive, we were safe from that huge pack of wolves that had made this northern ridge their home. And as I watched my old friend, I understood that he and I could never go back to how it was. Although if we could meet like this, even though it would always be on his terms, I would be happy enough.
Ryder sat back against the stone wall behind him and I raised my head and took a deep breath, aware of the scent of
the spring night, feeling the heat of the man beside me and as I reached for his hand and held it to my heart, esa sat up and raised his head, as though he too were taking a deep breath.
Ryder nodded towards him, then looked at me. “You are more like him than you know,” he said, his voice soft. “The Bannock were right when they named him your mukua’hainji, your spirit guide, for you and esa are one and the same. You share his instincts and his love of the wild. And up here, in this high mountain country, both of you can breathe. Both of you have come home.”
I leaned into him and smiled. “Haa halfbreed, esa and I have come home. But whatever the future holds for us, for you and me and Harry and the child who grows within me, wherever our journey takes us, as long as I have your love, as long as we are together, then I am home.”
And as I spoke these words I felt the babe stir within me and with that tiny movement I could see the years ahead, as if mapped out before me on a piece of parchment. With Paddake’e’s help, the child would be born on the Snake River Plain this November, spending the first two years of their live with my Bannock family before Ryder turned his attention east, back to England and all that waited for him there.
Harry, a boy of eight by then, would be well able to hold his own after all he had endured in his few short years, for he owned my instincts. And unlike Ryder when he first went to live in England, Harry had all the love in the world supporting him, for whatever lay ahead.
And the babe, safe within me for now, would be almost two years old when we began that long journey back to England, old enough to endure such a gruelling voyage. But all that was years away yet and as the man beside me reached to pull me closer, as the wolf turned to watch us, I went to Ryder willingly.
Authors Note
As in the other four books of Madeleine, I’ve tried to get all the historical facts as accurate as I can but if I missed something or got it wrong, I apologise for it now.
Sometimes I think the hours of research I’ve undertaken for these stories has taken as long as the writing of them. But I’ve learned a great deal in the process: from buckskin clothing to laces and stays, clippers to pirogues, bows and arrows to muskets, the Napoleonic Wars to the Louisiana Purchase.
I have a great admiration for Native Americans, yet I’ve only skimmed the surface of their culture in these books and there’s still so much to learn. Almost all the tribes mentioned in these books have websites, it’s worth the journey to meet them.
Gi’zica is the Mandan name I gave Saca-tzah-we-yaa, but this is purely from my own imagination. You’ll find no record of this anywhere other than this story, allowing me creative licence. I just thought the Mandan would give Saca-tzah-we-yaa a Mandan name, although some historical records suggest that Saca-tzah-we-yaa was her Mandan name, although most believe it Shoshone. I’ve often wondered about this teenage girl since I read a story about her years ago. She was the only female who accompanied some forty men across half a continent, with a baby carried in a cradleboard on her back. She must have been an extraordinary person.
Manier did exist. His trading post lay on the mouth of the Niobrara and Missouri rivers for almost thirty years. I can only imagine the changes he saw during his decades there.
I wish to thank three special people who pushed me along to get these books finished and encouraged me every step of the way. Mona (Noni), Philip and Susan. These books would not have happened were it not for these three people.
A special thanks to Heather for all her help in proofreading and to Colleen. I love their enthusiasm for these stories.
And to my readers a big thank you and to those who have supported me and stuck with me during the writing of these five books in the Madeleine series, I love you for it. It’s been quite a journey.
Love Sadie x
This is the fifth and last book in the series of Madeleine. If you liked this series and When the Wolf Breathes, Sadie would love to hear from you, so leave a review at either:
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