by Madison, Mia
“But maybe it’s not that easy for him. Because it’s not just his own feelings he has to consider.”
I frowned, pushing a pecan around on my plate. “That doesn’t make any sense. The twins love me.”
“Maybe that’s part of the problem,” Liz suggested.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, their mother is out of the picture, right? And has been for years?”
“Yeah.”
“So he’s not used to… sharing the kids with anyone. It’s all been on him.”
“But he hired me, in part, so that I could help with them.” The memory of him referring to me as just a babysitter hit me hard.
“Maybe once you started getting closer to the kids, he realized that it was harder than he thought it was.”
“That what was harder?”
“Letting go.”
I pushed my plate away, thinking about it. “But he doesn’t have to let go. He’s still the most important person in their lives.”
“But that doesn’t mean that you aren’t important to the twins. And I bet that as you spend more time with them, they became even more attached to you.”
“How is that a bad thing?”
“It’s not,” Liz said. “But maybe from Luke’s perspective, it was a bit of a scary thing. It’s hard to let go. To lose some of your control.”
That was definitely possible. Luke was all about control. And not just the sexy kind in his woodworking shop. He’d been the one making all the decisions about the twins for five years now. Having someone else in the mix—even someone who he’d hired to help out—was likely to feel like a big change to him.
“I had a friend in this situation,” Liz said softly, as if not to interrupt my thoughts.
“She dated a single dad?”
“No, she was actually in the twins’ position. Rachel’s father died when she was a toddler, and when she turned five, her mother remarried. Her stepfather was the only dad she knew, and she was crazy about him. But her mother found it difficult to share Rachel with him.”
“But why’d the mom get married again if she didn’t want a partner who could help her raise her child?”
“I don’t know,” Liz said. “My guess is that she thought she wanted a partner but then found out it was harder than she thought to share parental duties. For years, she wouldn’t let Rachel’s stepfather officially adopt her. Sometimes it was almost like Rachel and her stepdad had to downplay their love for each other around her mother, which is insane.”
“Are they still like that?”
“Fortunately, no. In Rachel’s teen years, she got into some trouble—typical teenager stuff—and it took both her mother and her stepfather to help her get through it. And after that, her mother seemed to accept that her stepdad was Rachel’s father. He officially adopted her, and when she got married, he walked her down the aisle.”
A vision of Luke walking Ava down the aisle someday filled my mind with hope, but it quickly turned to pain when I remembered I wouldn’t be in the picture. Hastily, I blinked back tears. “At least it all worked out in the end.”
“Yeah, but it was pretty hard on Rachel for years, to have her mother try to keep her dad from being her dad. And the thing is, Rachel’s mom is a lovely person—she just loved Rachel so much that she didn’t want to risk messing up their special bond.”
“So do you think that’s what Luke’s doing?”
“Maybe,” she said. “You’re the one who knows him. What do you think?”
“He might be. We never really had any problems until this week, but looking back, I can see that he kind of had mixed feelings about my being in the twins’ lives. Like one day he thought it was great and the next day he wasn’t so sure.”
“It can’t be easy for him—not that that excuses how he spoke to you.”
“No, it can’t… and no, it doesn’t.” I shook my head slowly. I wanted to forgive Luke, but I couldn’t help remembering the things he’d said to me. And besides, he didn’t seem very concerned by my absence. That was a depressing enough thought to make me switch the subject. “Where’s Rachel now? Are you still friends?”
“We are, but she and her husband moved to the east coast, so I don’t get to see her all that often. We text and talk online sometimes, but it’s not the same.”
I nodded. She was right, it wasn’t.
Liz looked around. “Shall we finish the dishes?”
“How about we finish our wine?” I suggested. “And talk a little more.”
Liz’s smile was nice to see. She tilted her head to the side, her wavy red hair sweeping across her shoulder. “So, how’d I do?”
“Excuse me?”
“I know I’m not Sierra or Kait, but I’m always happy to listen.”
“Oh,” I said, feeling guilty that I’d brushed her off when she asked me if I wanted to talk before. “Actually, you did really well.”
“Good,” Liz said. “Trust me, I know what you’re going through. I’ve had my share of rocky relationships. But sometimes it really is good to talk to a stranger.”
“Not a stranger anymore,” I said. And I was going to say roommate, but then at the last moment, I changed my mind. “You’re a friend.”
* * *
For the rest of the holiday weekend, I felt better about having Liz as a roommate, but thoughts of Luke and the kids tormented me. He hadn’t texted since Wednesday. It was obvious he didn’t care—and that he’d meant those mean things he’d said to me.
Saturday night was the hardest time. That was the night Luke had planned on taking me to a hotel. By a suspicious coincidence, Kait, Sierra, and Liz were all home that night. They did their best to keep me from thinking about it. We drank wine, gobbled the cookies I’d obsessively made that day, and played games. They didn’t leave me alone for the entire evening, and for that I was profoundly grateful.
But then, Sunday afternoon, we had an entirely different kind of gathering.
It started when Kait asked me to join her and Sierra downstairs. “Where’s Liz?” I asked Sierra while Kait disappeared into the kitchen.
“She went to visit her mom and to get a few things she left there,” Sierra said.
“You could’ve invited her. She knows about the situation with Luke and me.”
“I’m not sure that’s what this is about,” Sierra said. “Or at least if this is some kind of intervention to cheer you up, then it’s news to me.”
“It’s not,” Kait said, hovering in the doorway from the kitchen. She was holding a tray with cookies and three wine glasses. I took them from her and set them down on the table. She returned with a bottle of merlot.
Sierra read the label and gave a low whistle. “You got the good stuff—what’s the occasion?”
“Tyler picked it out for us,” Kait said, settling on the couch between us. Sierra and I exchanged a glance as she poured the wine. Kait hadn’t answered Sierra’s question.
“What are we toasting to?” Sierra asked once everyone had a glass.
“Friendship,” Kait said firmly.
We clinked our glasses and drank. Wow, it was good. I hadn’t had much experience with anything but the cheap stuff. This merlot was head and shoulders above the rest.
Kait drained half her glass and then took a deep breath. “I have something to tell you.”
My stomach dropped. I didn’t know what Kait had to say, but I knew it represented change—something that I wasn’t sure I was equipped to handle right now.
“Are you pregnant?” Sierra asked.
Kait let out a laugh and motioned to the wine bottle on the coffee table. “If I were, would I be celebrating it by drinking?”
“Good point,” Sierra muttered. “So what’s up?”
“Tyler asked me to move in with him.”
A lump formed in my throat even as I congratulated her and leaned over to give her a hug.
“That’s great,” Sierra was saying. “Really happy for you.”
“Re
ally happy,” I echoed. But I couldn’t imagine living here without Kait.
“I am, too,” Kait said, but her voice wavered. “I mean, I love him so much. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But I’m going to miss you both so badly.”
“You can visit anytime. We’re not going anywhere,” I said, my arm around her.
“Or are we?” Sierra said to me. “After all, it’s her house.”
Oh yeah. Crap.
“You both can live here as long as you want,” Kait said firmly. “I want you to stay. I like having you so close by.”
“So… will you be our landlady?” Sierra asked.
Kait laughed. “I guess technically. My brother and I still own the house. You’ll just keep paying rent like always.”
“Is this why you’ve been pushing us all to get the house fixed up?”
“Partly,” Kait admitted. “I wanted to leave it in good shape for you guys.”
“You have. Everything’s so much nicer now.” I looked around, noting all the changes that had been made in the last 10 months.
“Not everything, but it’s getting there.” Kait was silent for a moment and then reached out to each of us, squeezing our hands. “I’m going to miss you guys so much. I want to live with Tyler, but you’re family, too.”
“And we still will be.” Of that, I had no doubt.
“Yeah… you’re stuck with us, no matter where you live,” Sierra added. “When are you moving?”
“Not for a few months.”
“Really? Why?”
She looked down. “I kind of want to finish our year here. Stay until after Valentine’s Day. There’ve been so many changes this past year, with the house, our jobs, our men…”
I looked away, biting my lip. Only two of those things had changed for me. The improvements to the house, of course, and my job. Being a research assistant for Luke and a companion to the kids was by far the best job I’d ever had.
Except maybe I didn’t have it anymore.
Crap. I hadn’t even thought about that. What was I going to do on Monday? Show up on his doorstep after the things he’d said to me? Act as if nothing was wrong? I didn’t think I’d be able to look at myself in the mirror if I just pretended it never happened. And besides, I didn’t even know if he wanted me there. What if he told me to go home?
“Gabi?” Both my roommates were staring at me.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t think when I said that.” Kait’s lower lashes brimmed with tears. “I know things aren’t easy for you right now, but don’t let that negate the progress you made. You’ve put yourself out there. You’ve taken risks. Maybe some didn’t pay off, but you tried. We both know that.”
Sierra nodded, her face unexpectedly sympathetic.
“I know I did. And I don’t regret anything.”
Later, up in my room, I curled up in my bed, but sleep wouldn’t come. This year had been about taking chances. Kait and Sierra had done that, and they’d ended up with fantastic jobs and amazing boyfriends.
I’d done that and the best I could say was that I didn’t have any regrets.
Sleep still eluded me… but the tears found me.
20
Luke
I didn’t fully realize how badly I’d screwed up until Gabi didn’t show up for work on Monday.
On Thanksgiving Day, I’d dutifully explained to the kids that she likely wasn’t coming. I said she was sick. They’d been disappointed, but they’d understood.
But I hadn’t.
I chalked it up to it being too soon, just a day and a half after our first fight. But then when she didn’t show up yesterday or today, I began to wonder if she ever would again.
The kids were in bed, and I’d taken a beer down to my workshop in the basement. Except I didn’t want to work on any of my ongoing projects. Or start anything new. All I could think about was Gabi. The way she’d responded to my kisses. The way she’d squirmed when I spanked her. The way she cried out when she came.
Was that all in the past now? Had I really screwed up that bad?
I’d been upset, that was all. Who wouldn’t be when finding out that their child might have a learning disability that would make life harder? But I’d regrouped. I’d spoken to Miss. Finch on the phone this morning during one of her breaks. She had a couple of other suggestions besides having Brandon be tested.
So yeah, I’d overreacted on Tuesday. I’d asked Gabi to go to the conference and then gotten upset when I heard the results. But I was a parent. Parents got upset when something was wrong with their kids.
Gabi wasn’t a parent, but she should still be able to understand that.
Giving up on the workshop idea, I went up to do some writing, but I couldn’t focus on that, either. Gabi had been a good research assistant. An excellent one, considering her major had been English, not History. I’d miss having her help.
And I’d miss her. She was always so bright and cheerful—always with a smile on her face.
Except for last week. It’d been a week ago tonight that I’d last seen her. Her face hadn’t looked very cheerful then.
She’d been upset. Shocked. But Brandon was my son. I had a right to be upset when something affected his well-being.
Gabi should understand that. She loved him, too.
She loved him, too.
Suddenly, the full extent of what I’d done hit me. She loved him too. She’d cared about my children before I even met her. She’d made them laugh, and held them when they cried, and she’d even saved one of them.
She loved my children and I’d pushed her away because of it.
The words I used last week came flooding back. I’d been upset but instead of trying to deal with the information, I’d pushed back at her. What idiotic thing had I said in my text? Oh yeah, that I’d tried to shoot the messenger. At the time, I thought that was all I’d done, but now I knew, it was so much worse. I’d lashed out at her for caring about my kids.
No wonder she hadn’t answered my text.
She’d done nothing but help our family, and I’d called her a babysitter. A cook. I’d implied that she was no more a part of our family than the guy who delivered firewood in the winter or the woman who’d installed the curtains. I’d treated her like the help.
Why had I done that? Ava and Brandon knew she was part of the family—even though I'd been adamant about not letting them know we were dating. They knew how special she was… why hadn’t I seen it until after I’d pushed her away?
It was only now that I could see how much I’d hurt her. And maybe it was too late.
Still, I had to try, but what the hell could I do? Text her a week later and say: I get it now, sorry.
Yeah, that would go over really well.
On Wednesday, I still didn’t have any idea how to approach her, but luckily enough, the twins did.
“Dad?” Ava spoke up at dinnertime. We were back to having takeout again. Until she left, I’d never even really thought about how much time and effort Gabi had put into making healthy and delicious meals for us. It was one of the many things I’d taken for granted.
“Yes?”
“Is Gabi still sick?”
“I’m not sure. I think she might just be busy this week.” Shit. Now I was lying to my kids. I’d have to tell them eventually.
Ava and Brandon exchanged a look—one that made me think they might not believe me.
“Do you think she’ll still be busy on Friday?”
“Friday?” I echoed.
“It’s the holiday pageant at our school. Remember? You said you’d be there,” Brandon said.
“Of course I remember.”
“We want to invite Gabi,” Brandon continued.
Of course they did. I should’ve seen that coming.
“Can we call her after dinner?” Ava asked.
I wasn’t sure Gabi would answer if she saw my number. It was better not to do that to Ava. Or Gabi… I’m sure she missed the twins terribly even if she thought their
father was a jackass.
“I’ll invite her.”
“Thanks, Dad,” Brandon said.
Ava nodded, but there was concern in her eyes, and I wondered if she had intuited more of Gabi and my relationship than Brandon had. “Ask her nicely, Dad.”
“I’ll do my best.”
After the twins were in bed, I thought about what to say to Gabi. Perhaps I should’ve tried to explain myself, but I’d have a better chance at getting through to her in person. So instead, I kept it simple when I texted.
Me: The twins are taking part in a holiday pageant at their school Friday evening. They’d really like it if you could attend.
She didn’t answer for a while, but I knew she would. She’d do anything for them. And maybe she would’ve done anything for me, too—and I’d been too stupid to realize it.
Gabi: What time?
Me: 6:30. I can pick you up and we could all go together.
Gabi: I prefer to drive.
That didn’t surprise me.
Me: Thank you—this means a lot to them. Looking forward to seeing you on Friday evening.
It took me a minute or two to realize that she wasn’t going to answer.
* * *
“Calm down! We’ll be there in a few minutes.”
Ava and Brandon were jabbering a mile a minute in the backseat. They were beyond excited about the holiday pageant although I also suspected that part of the enthusiasm was because they’d soon see Gabi.
That last part worried me a bit. Though I’d been the one who’d hurt her, I didn’t know what I’d do if she refused to talk to me. If she refused to listen. That thought had haunted me for days, and I’d spent a considerable amount of time deciding on the best approach.
The twins raced off as soon as we set foot inside the school, leaving me to walk into the auditorium by myself. A few other parents greeted me, and I got stuck in some obligatory small talk. While speaking to the father of a kid in the twins’ class, I scanned the seats in front of me. She wasn’t there, which was good. I could save a seat for her.
After finding two free seats in the sixth row, I spotted her. She was talking to Miss. Finch over near the steps to the stage. God, she looked amazing. Though it was officially a holiday pageant, many of the guests had dressed in Christmas colors, and Gabi was no exception. Her dress was a deep, shimmery red, and it made her hair look extra dark by comparison.