Perfectly Honest

by O'Connor, Linda

  She needed to let her mind go to her happy place. Her happy place was a beach. Watching kids playing in the sand and teenagers tossing a Frisbee while she floated on the waves in a sparkling blue-green ocean. Hearing laughter and seagulls and waves breaking on the shore. Feeling the sun on her face with a light breeze lifting her hair and smelling the fresh clean air of the ocean mixed with the coconut sweetness of sunscreen. Being outside with nothing more to do than laze on the beach and jump in the waves like a child.

  Mikaela stayed at the beach until the water turned tepid and her toes started to wrinkle. But it definitely did the trick. She felt refreshed and in a happier mood as she pulled on sweatpants and a sweatshirt.

  She headed to the kitchen to wait for Margo. The doorbell rang as she set down plates and napkins.

  “Hello, stranger.” Margo smiled when Mikaela answered the door. She held a pizza box off to the side and opened her arm for a hug as she stepped in out of the cold.

  Mikaela laughed and held Margo tight. “It’s been too long.”

  Margo handed Mikaela the pizza box and slipped off her coat.

  “Meat lovers, I presume,” Mikaela said, tongue-in-cheek.

  Margo snorted. “As if,” she said. “If I got anything other than Hawaiian, you’d make me go back and get another.” She hung her coat in the closet.

  “And rightly so,” Mikaela retorted. “And then I would have to question the whole foundation of our friendship.”

  “Right. And as such intense scrutiny might not be good for anything, including our minds on our night off, I thought I’d just stick with Hawaiian.”

  “Good choice,” Mikaela agreed amicably.

  They grinned at each other and headed to the kitchen.

  They sat in the kitchen nook with glasses of wine and thick slices of piping hot pizza. After a few bites and the worst of the hunger settling, Margo looked at Mikaela. “So, I sensed a sort of SOS in your call this afternoon.”

  Mikaela started to deny it automatically and then fell silent.

  Margo picked up her wine glass. “Is everything okay?”

  Mikaela sighed. “Compared to the global scene with world hunger and civil war, my life is good.” She bit into a slice of pizza and caught a string of melted cheese.

  Margo smiled, took a sip of wine, and set her glass down. “But …”

  “But compared to the average person who is not caught up in half truths and deception … mine’s a little complicated.” Mikaela set the pizza down and wiped her mouth with a napkin.

  Margo eyed Mikaela with sympathetic eyes and kept silent.

  “I know. I know,” Mikaela said, throwing her hands in the air. “You’re trying really hard not to say ‘I told you so,’ and I appreciate your restraint.”

  Margo feigned innocence and made Mikaela laugh.

  “It’s slowly spinning out of control and I needed to spend time with someone who knows the whole truth so I don’t have to filter what I’m saying.” Mikaela leaned back and swirled the wine in her glass.

  “Do I? Know the whole truth?” Margo asked.

  “Yes, of course. I would never lie to you.”

  You don’t consider them lies, Margo thought silently, but kept quiet. She’d known Mikaela for a long time and understood why Mikaela did what she did and said what she said. She understood it wasn’t just selfish carelessness on Mikaela’s part. It was partly safety and partly self-preservation. “What happened?” She took a bite of pizza and watched Mikaela’s shoulders sag.

  “Sam’s parents dropped by,” Mikaela said. “It’s not enough that we’re deceiving everyone at work, now his parents have joined the fray. And that,” Mikaela said slowly, “was hard. They’re staying for a couple more days, and I needed to get away.”

  “Are they terrible?”

  “No, not at all. Which is probably why I’m so affected by it.” Mikaela sipped her wine. “Sam’s dad has a problem with obstetricians so he’s distant, but it’s a polite distance. Sam’s mom is sweet and interesting and supportive, and I don’t want to hurt her.”

  “You don’t want to hurt her or you don’t want to be hurt?” Margo asked, raising her eyebrows.

  Mikaela was quiet for a while. Margo was getting ready to apologize when Mikaela finally mumbled, “Both.”

  Margo covered Mikaela’s hand with her own. “I’m sorry, sweetie,”

  “Thanks,” Mikaela said with a sniffle. “It’s a mess.”

  “How does Sam feel?”

  “I don’t know. We don’t talk. I mean, we talk about other stuff but not about us. It’s very awkward being engaged but not really being engaged,” Mikaela said.

  Margo laughed. “That’s probably why more people don’t do it.”

  “And smart they are.” Mikaela shook her head. “Man, I didn’t think it would be this hard to live with someone and not fall in love. If anything it just makes me love him more,” she said miserably.

  Margo smiled sympathetically and squeezed Mikaela’s hand. “He’s got the ass factor?”

  Mikaela sighed deeply. “A great ass, a bit of sexy, badass attitude, and all of my heart. He’s got the ass factor. He’s it for me.”

  “That’s so great. You should talk to him. Tell him how you feel.”

  Mikaela looked appalled. “I don’t think so.”

  “Why not?” Margo tilted her head. “It’s called being honest.”

  “Yeah, honesty in relationships hasn’t worked out too well for me. And what happens,” Mikaela continued quickly, “if he doesn’t love me, and then we have to live in this charade even more awkwardly for the next nine months?”

  “Nine months?” Margo jerked and sat up straight. “Are you pregnant?”

  “No. NO.” Mikaela shook her head emphatically, her eyes wide. “We decided we would stick with this ‘engagement,’” she finger quoted in the air, “for a year, three months of which are almost done. We figured by then Sam would be engrained at the hospital, and breaking up wouldn’t impact his career.”

  “And what about yours?” Margo took another bite of pizza.

  “Then I could decide if I wanted to stay.”

  She swallowed her mouthful. “And do you?”

  “Want to stay?” Mikaela repeated, fingering the stem of her wine glass.

  “Yeah.”

  Mikaela shrugged. “I love the job. The hospital has been upgraded, and it’s a dream to work in. I’m enjoying the patients. The staff is probably the most caring and dedicated I’ve come across. This past week, in that raging snowstorm, one person called another and before I could get my coat on a snowplow showed up to clear my driveway and take me to the hospital. Can you imagine?”

  Margo grinned. “No.”

  “I know. It’s crazy. They look out for one another. I love the sense of community in a small town.” Mikaela sighed.

  “But …”

  “But, I love Sam.”

  Margo’s chest tightened when she saw Mikaela’s eyes fill. “But that’s great, isn’t it? Maybe your engagement will become real, and your conscience will be clear.”

  Mikaela grimaced. “Sure. If Sam loved me back and if he wanted to get married that would be perfect.” She rolled the edge of the napkin. “He’s had quite the parade of women, apparently, and I’m not sure he wants to settle for just one. Just me.” She unrolled the napkin and rolled it again.

  “You need to talk to him. Tell him how you feel.”

  “I can’t. What if he doesn’t? What if he has no intention of continuing this past one year?” Mikaela raised sad eyes to Margo.

  “Well then, you have to let it go and move on,” Margo said with a shrug. “But if he does, then it could be the start of something beautiful.”

  “I’m more worried that if he doesn’t, it will be the start of something ugly. And I’ll be even unhappier. With nine months left to go sharing a living space.” Mikaela took a gulp of wine.

  Margo finished the last bite of her pizza and wiped her hands on
a napkin. “Has he given you any impression one way or another about how he feels?”

  “I don’t know. I wondered whether he was disappointed when I left for the weekend, but that could just be my imagination. I think he still wants me,” Mikaela said, looking in the distance, a faint flush on her cheeks, “but I don’t believe he loves me.”

  “Wanting you isn’t enough?”

  “Not without love,” Mikaela said quietly.

  “I don’t like to see you so unhappy,” Margo said, shaking her head.

  “I know. I’m sorry. I’ll straighten it out. I will talk to him.” Mikaela moved the napkin to the other side of her plate.

  “That’s good,” Margo encouraged.

  “When the year is up, I’ll sit down with him and have a heart to heart. My heart,” she said with a grimace, “I’m not sure about his.”

  “But that’s nine months away,” Margo argued.

  “I know. But look how quickly the first three months went by,” Mikaela said. “Look, I’m sorry I dragged you into this. I just want to be with you and enjoy an evening when I don’t have to think about all this.” She waved her glass of wine in the air.

  “Well, then, we shall,” Margo said with a nod. “We can finish this bottle of wine and the pizza and eat all four of the éclairs I’m hoping are in that box.” She pointed to the baker’s box on the kitchen table. “We can do whatever you want.”

  Mikaela reached over and hugged her. “Thanks Margo. You’re the best.”

  Margo squeezed her back and smiled. “I am, aren’t I?”

  Chapter 20

  Zodiac Zach—Don’t leave home without him.

  ARIES (March 21-April 19) Be strong as others look to you for support. Don’t limit what you can do or question your worth because of an emotional situation. You will gain respect through your actions.

  Mikaela waited until Monday morning to drive back to Emerson. Her clinic didn’t start until nine o’clock in the morning, the forecast was clear so the roads would be dry, and it meant she could avoid any possible awkwardness for another night. Just in case. She knew she was being a chicken, but convinced herself that it was cautious, even wise. Mikaela texted Sam to let him know she wouldn’t be back on Sunday night and then spent the night tidying her condominium in case it was another month before she returned.

  At seven a.m., Mikaela wrote a quick note of thanks to the neighbor who brought in her mail, lowered the thermostat, and with a sigh of regret, locked the door behind her.

  The sun was shining and glistened off the snow-covered trees that lined the highway. Traffic was light and the roads dry, so she cranked up the radio and sang along, out of tune, making the time pass quickly. She drove directly to the hospital and made it there in under an hour.

  Mikaela looked forward to the day. She had prenatal clinics booked all day, and with the nurse running two patients ahead of her, it usually went smoothly. There was a good chance the clinic would finish on time, maybe even with a break for lunch.

  The day passed quickly. Only one patient left and she could head home to Sam. Mikaela pressed a hand to her stomach to settle the butterflies fluttering at the thought of being alone with Sam again. It had only been four days, but she missed him. He usually had dinner waiting for her on Mondays and she wanted to sit down, share a bottle of wine, and hear about his day.

  Would she move back into her own room? Did she want to? She thought fleetingly of his hard body pressed against her and the soft kisses that made her knees go weak. He took her breath away and stole her heart.

  But until the butterflies settled, she preferred to keep things as they were. He didn’t need to know how he affected her. All she had to do was keep the picture of a naked Sam out of her mind, and she would be fine. She just wished that wasn’t getting harder to do.

  Mikaela reviewed her notes for the last patient. Joanne Sycamore. Age thirty-six. First pregnancy. Expecting twins. Joanne was thirty-four weeks along and had been coming in every two weeks for prenatal care, usually accompanied by her husband, Rob.

  At the most recent visit, one week ago, Mikaela had raised concerns about the size of one of the twins, and Joanne had broken down in tears. She’d lost her twin brother at the age of twelve in a motor vehicle accident.

  The brother and sister had been inseparable, and twenty-four years later, Joanne still grieved his death. She had a deep-rooted fear of the same thing happening to her babies and was very particular, almost obsessed, with doing everything she could to ensure a healthy outcome.

  Paula, Mikaela’s nurse, came out of the examining room. The worried frown on her face was not encouraging. “Her urine screen and blood pressure are fine, but her weight is down two pounds, and I can only get one fetal heartbeat.” She pressed her lips together. “Joanne is … upset.”

  Mikaela nodded. “I’ll go and examine her. Bring the ultrasound in, and we’ll take a quick look. Maybe you should give the OR a heads up, too.”

  Paula nodded and headed off as Mikaela entered the room.

  Joanne looked up with damp eyes. “The nurse said she could only hear one baby’s heartbeat. For the last two days, they haven’t been as active,” she said as she wiped tears from her cheeks. “I thought maybe it was just getting crowded in there. I didn’t think to come in.” She covered her face with her hands.

  “Joanne, try to stay calm,” Mikaela put her hand on Joanne’s shoulder and spoke in a low voice. “Let me examine you, and we’ll do another ultrasound and see what’s happening.”

  Mikaela examined and measured the size of Joanne’s uterus and then picked up the Doppler to listen to the heartbeat. She moved the probe from one quadrant to another and caught and counted one fetal heartbeat. It was a strong one hundred and forty-two beats a minute. Mikaela’s heart sank as she moved the probe around and heard only silence. Paula knocked on the door and pushed the ultrasound machine in.

  “Let’s do another ultrasound, Joanne,” Mikaela said.

  Mikaela set up the screen, adjusted the image, and scanned Joanne’s abdomen. She focused on the healthy twin first, measuring its size and noting the strong heartbeat. She paused as she found the second twin. Its size was unchanged from a week ago, and even scanning from a different angle, Mikaela could not see a heart beat. The baby had died in utero.

  Mikaela set the probe down and pushed the machine to the side. She wiped the gel from Joanne’s abdomen and lowered her gown.

  She watched tears stream down Joanne’s face, as she looked her in the eye. “I’m so very sorry, Joanne. I can only find one heartbeat. The smaller twin has died.”

  “No,” Joanne cried, covering her ears. “I don’t want to hear that. I don’t want it to be true. No. No,” she pleaded.

  Mikaela looked at her helplessly. “I’m sorry.”

  Joanne covered her face as she sobbed.

  There was a quiet knock on the door, and Paula poked her head in. “Her husband is here.”

  Mikaela motioned for her to let him in.

  A tall man with a rumpled suit, loosened tie, and harried expression hurried into the room. He glanced at Mikaela and gathered his wife in his arms.

  “I’m sorry, Rob, one of the twins has died,” Mikaela said quietly.

  “Oh.” Rob sighed heavily and with a look of utter sadness, closed his eyes and kissed the top of his wife’s head. “I’m so sorry, honey,” he whispered.

  Joanne buried her head in his shoulder as her small frame wracked with sobs.

  “I’ll give you a few minutes alone,” Mikaela said to them.

  Rob nodded as he held his wife.

  Joanne would need an urgent Cesarean section to deliver the other twin. Mikaela wrote the orders and reviewed the chart. She flipped to the clinic notes from the last visit and, with a frown, wondered why there was no record of the babies’ heart rates. She made a mental note to review the chart more closely after the surgery. More pressing was breaking the news to Joanne about the C-section. The operating room was read
y and the pediatric team on hand. Things had to move quickly.

  Mikaela pulled off her surgical gown and threw it in the linen hamper. She peeled off her gloves and tossed her mask and surgical cap in the bin outside the surgery. One baby had been sent to the morgue, and the other was in the neonatal intensive care unit. He was six weeks premature but was a good size and had a good prognosis. Joanne was already in recovery with her husband by her side. Mikaela needed to check on her one more time before she left for the evening, but technically everything had gone well.

  Wearily, Mikaela sat to write the post-op orders. Just the basics tonight. Tomorrow when she did rounds, she would talk to Joanne about counseling and see what would be helpful. But tonight Joanne needed to rest and start to heal.

  It was late and the hospital was quiet as Mikaela made her way to her office. She glanced at the stack of papers in her inbox, but couldn’t summon up the energy to go through them. That could wait another day. She shrugged into her coat, tugged on her boots, and made her way slowly to her car.

  Sending a tiny little person to the morgue was heartbreaking. It happened, Mikaela knew. Even when they did everything right, with all the technology at their fingertips, it happened. Was it genetics? A virus? She sighed. Shitty luck? Who the hell knew? It didn’t make any difference to the mother. Once they felt the flutter of life inside them, the death was devastating. And when she had to write ‘development incompatible with life’ on the death certificate, her heart broke as well.

  Mikaela felt her eyes fill as she pulled into the driveway. She knew she couldn’t get wrapped up in it and had managed to hold it together for Joanne and Rob. But now, alone, in the silence of the night, she could shed a tear for the little life that she had to pronounce dead at its birth. She would never get used to it.

  Mikaela wiped her eyes, gathered her briefcase, and stepped out of the car. Damn. She had forgotten to text Sam to let him know she’d be late. She had remembered as she closed the incision, but had forgotten again by the time the surgery finished. Sighing, she went inside.