“Wow. That’s a big change. Is it really what you want?”
“What I really want doesn’t seem possible.”
Margo handed Mikaela a tissue and reached over and gave her hand a squeeze. “Hey, don’t cry.”
“Sorry,” Mikaela apologized. She wiped her eyes and straightened her shoulders. “Yes, this is what I want. You know me. Big scary change is what I crave,” she smiled through watery eyes.
Margo chuckled quietly. “Yup, you to a tee,” she smiled sympathetically.
“Winmarket is only about an hour away from here so we’d still see each other.”
“I’m counting on it,” Margo agreed. “When do you have to let them know?”
“Early January, so I have a couple of weeks.”
Margo nodded silently. A lot could happen in a couple of weeks. “And Christmas in the meantime. Do you have time off?”
“I’m working the twenty-fourth then taking off between the twenty-fifth and the twenty-ninth.”
“Nice. Are you visiting your folks?”
“Yes, I’ll head there for dinner on the twenty-fifth for a couple of days. I’ll see how it goes. Maybe longer.”
“They’ll like that,” Margo said.
“Yeah. You’re welcome to come, you know. They always love to see you.”
“Thanks, I know. Trace has time off and we’ll spend time with his family and my mom. I hope to have some time alone with him, too.” She wiggled her eyebrows.
Mikaela smiled. “Hiking? Snowshoeing?”
“Of course. I’m all about the physical activity.”
“Well, I thoroughly enjoyed the après-snowshoeing activity,” Mikaela agreed.
“It was a good day. Tomorrow I’m back at work. Are you staying here or heading back to Emerson?”
“I’ll probably go back tomorrow afternoon.”
Margo nodded and covered a yawn. “Well, I should head home and get some sleep. I’m glad you came today.”
“Me, too. Thanks for dragging me along.”
Mikaela stood and followed Margo to the front door. Margo slipped her coat on and Mikaela caught her in a close hug.
“Keep me posted,” Margo said.
“I will.”
“And talk to Sam.”
Mikaela sighed. “I will.”
Chapter 32
Zodiac Zach—Don’t leave home without him.
ARIES (March 21-April 19) Persevere and the challenge will be within your reach. Dialogue is important but actions speak louder than words. Do your own thing to ensure your happiness and satisfaction.
The next morning Mikaela sat at her kitchen table with a steaming cup of coffee at her elbow, flipping through the operating room files and making notes on her computer. She took another sip of coffee and tried to see this from Sam’s perspective.
If you just looked at the statistics, laid out in black and white, the allotment of time did look unfair. However, there was no mention of hers being a new department or one with the potential to grow in the next year. Nor were there any remarks about her utilization being one hundred percent. She noted that the Ear, Nose and Throat specialists gave up operating time and worse, released it too late to be used. She played with the numbers, considered the options, and wondered if there was a compromise that would work. Mikaela tapped a pencil rhythmically on the table and chewed her lip as she studied it. Finally, she shoved her pencil absentmindedly behind her ear and hunched over her computer.
If she gave up 2.3 units and the ENT specialists gave up 1.7, which was their average underutilization, ophthalmology could gain a full day. That would still leave 5.7 for her department, which she felt she could use now and share later with a new obstetrician. If she left in July, it was plenty of operating time for the new obstetrician, with enough wiggle room if they wanted to entice a partner to the hospital. It seemed fair. Mikaela tried to look at it objectively. ENT would have to agree to the plan, but looking at the numbers, it wouldn’t change the essence of what they were using now. Maybe the numbers alone didn’t tell the whole story, but she hoped it would work.
She typed it up, explained her reasoning, included the statistics, and fancied up the language. Content that she had created a strong argument for a compromise, she saved it and shut down her computer.
Mikaela stood and stretched, rolled her neck, and grimaced at the stiffness in her thigh and calf muscles.
She wanted a swim.
She needed to talk with Sam. Butterflies churned in her stomach. Nerves? Hunger? Mikaela wasn’t sure, but it was one o’clock, and she hadn’t eaten lunch, so she could start with that.
She ate a quick sandwich and tidied the condo, ready to leave. She packed her overnight case and briefcase and locked the door behind her.
It was a cloudy day, but the roads were clear for her drive back. Sunday drivers slowed traffic on one stretch of highway through the country. A car in front of her had customized license plates that read RYLFLUSH. Royal Flush, she thought. What’s the story behind that? Did they own a bath store specializing in toilets? Buy their car from poker money? Menopausal hot flashes? Maybe it was better not to know, she chuckled.
Mikaela pulled up beside Sam’s car in the driveway, her hope that he wasn’t going to be home just yet, dashed. Gathering her belongings, she went to the front door and let herself in.
Sam heard the front door close. She came back. A wave of relief coursed through him. Don’t blow it this time, he told himself sternly.
He stood back and studied the Scotch pine tree that towered above him. It hadn’t seemed that tall when he cut it down the day before. He bent down and adjusted the stand.
“Oh, that looks lovely! What a great tree! And the smell of fresh pine is wonderful,” Mikaela said as she walked into the room.
Sam looked over and smiled. “Thanks. My mom sent some Christmas decorations, so I thought I’d better get a tree. I wasn’t sure if you’d want to help choose it, but I figured we could decorate it together.”
Mikaela flushed with pleasure. “I’d love to help. Did you get any lights?”
Sam nodded at a bag on the sofa. “In there. I’m just about done if you want to open them.”
Mikaela pulled out three packages of multicolored lights.
“I hope you’re not a white light kinda person.”
“Not at all.” Mikaela ripped open the packaging and unwound the string of lights. She plugged them in to check they worked and laid them out over the sofa ready to go on the tree.
Sam wandered into the kitchen and pressed a remote. The cheerful notes of a Christmas song filled the room. “Would you like a drink? Wine or eggnog?” he asked from the kitchen.
“Eggnog, please,” Mikaela answered.
Sam walked over and handed her a glass. “Cheers,” he said as he clinked his glass against hers.
“Cheers.” Mikaela smiled and sipped her drink. “Mmmm … delicious,” she said. “I can taste the rum.”
Sam eyed the lights. “Think there’ll be enough? I wasn’t sure how many we’d need.”
“Two hundred lights per string. Looks like a lot.” She grinned. She set down her glass and picked up the first string, weaving them into the depth of the tree in different layers. Sam followed, handing her the lights and keeping them from getting tangled. When the last of the string was nestled in the branches, they plugged it in and stood back to admire it.
“There are a lot of lights,” Mikaela said.
Sam laughed. “It looks great though.”
“I love it. Where are the decorations?”
Sam handed her a box, brushing his hand against hers. Mikaela lifted the lid and looked inside. The box was filled with crystal stars, little beaded elves, and glass Santas holding an array of colorful presents. And of course, a little Aries ram with a Santa hat and a scorpion with lights.
“These are adorable.” She carefully lifted each one out, fastened a hook, and handed them to Sam to hang.
When the box was em
pty, Sam picked up his drink and sat down on the sofa and eyed the tree. “Needs tinsel,” he observed.
Mikaela sat beside him on the sofa and groaned. “No. No tinsel. It’ll ruin it.”
“What? You gotta have tinsel. It makes it all sparkly.”
“There are six hundred lights. There’s plenty of sparkle.”
“Obviously you’re an amateur tree decorator. All the pros add tinsel.”
Mikaela laughed. “I haven’t decorated a tree in years. I was either working or visiting my parents, and their tree was always decorated by the time I arrived. I love it.” She sipped her eggnog. “Speaking of my parents, my mom was asking if we could visit over the holiday.”
“Sure, it shouldn’t be a problem.” Sam kept his tone even and worked at being nonchalant. Mikaela hadn’t mentioned introducing him to her parents in all the time they’d been together. Normally a ‘meet my parents’ request was his sign to dodge. He couldn’t run fast enough or far enough away. But with a tug of anxiety, he realized this time was different. He wanted a life together and a real engagement. He had no idea what she wanted, but meeting her parents was a step in the right direction. “I have the week around Christmas off.”
“Maybe we could go there for dinner on Christmas day and stay for a couple of days?”
Sam nodded. “That would work.” He sipped his eggnog. They needed to talk about Friday. He didn’t like it, didn’t want to rock the boat, but it had to be said. Just rip the Band-Aid off, he told himself. “Look, about Friday … I didn’t mean to cause a problem with your job when I requested more OR time. Or with us. If I don’t make any noise, nothing ever changes. I thought I needed to start making waves early, but I certainly didn’t expect it to create the ripple effect it did. I’m really sorry it affected you.”
Mikaela looked down at her hands. “I’m sorry that I reacted the way I did on Friday. I was frustrated and tired, but I shouldn’t have blamed you.”
“Why did you?”
Mikaela sighed. “They told me ophthalmology was taking my time. I knew you were asking for more, so I figured you were using your connection with me to get it.”
“And that made you mad?”
Mikaela tried to explain. “I was more sad than mad. Sad that you didn’t talk to me about it. Sad that my position was being undermined. Sad that the committee didn’t even involve me in the discussion.”
“I didn’t know it would involve you.”
“I know. I know that now. I’m sorry.”
“I’ve heard nothing but positive things about the job you’re doing. I don’t think anyone would question your commitment or your authority.”
“Thanks.” Mikaela looked at him. “But frankly, I don’t know if I’m cut out for this job. I like the clinical work,” she said quickly. “But the administrative stuff …” She shrugged.
“Really? I think you’re great at it. It takes a lot of patience and skill to make everyone feel like they’re heard and their opinions matter. And you’ve done that. You’ve weathered a lot of change in the past three months. I’ve heard you listen to nursing staff, patients, admin, everyone, and come up with creative solutions that work. It’s a gift.”
Tears welled in Mikaela’s eyes. Sam smiled gently and pulled Mikaela close.
Mikaela closed her eyes and then moved restlessly. “Winmarket is looking for an obstetrician, and they’ve invited me for an interview.”
“Winmarket?”
She nodded. “I applied when I finished my residency and forgot about it. But a few days ago, I received a letter from them.”
“You’ve got a job here.”
“I know. But this would be a clinical position. I wouldn’t have to be the department head.”
“Really? And you’d want that?” he asked. “Are there any openings for ophthalmology?”
“Ophthalmology? I don’t know. Why?”
“For me.”
“For you?”
She sounded so surprised. Sam paused. “This is just for you,” he said finally.
“Well, I thought it would give us a fresh start. You could stay here. We wouldn’t have to pretend we’re engaged and live in a pack of lies.”
Sam pulled his arm away. “I see. So you would just leave.”
“Well, the position starts in July. By then we were going to break up anyway, right?”
“Right,” Sam said slowly.
“This way I could leave, and you could stay. Live here. You’ll be settled into the hospital.”
“Right.”
“I could start a new job in a new hospital without all this deception.”
Sam was silent. “Sounds like you’ve thought this through.”
“Some. I spent this weekend writing the proposal to adjust the OR time. I realized I’m not cut out for this. I can’t be cutthroat and aggressive and demanding. It’s just not me. But I can’t sit back and do nothing.” She sighed. “It takes too much energy trying to fit in between.”
“Maybe that’s the point,” Sam said quietly. “Maybe you should just be yourself. You don’t have to be aggressive, but you don’t have to be passive either. Just be you. Seems to have worked pretty well for the past three months.”
“I haven’t had any major problems to deal with though.”
Sam shrugged. “Designing and implementing a new suite, working with hospital administrators, contractors and architects all while keeping the nursing staff, patients and other docs happy. Seems like a tall order to me.” Sam glanced at Mikaela’s unhappy face. He leaned his head back. “But what the hell do I know? I left the General because I couldn’t stand all the extra administrative crap.” He took a swig of his drink. “You should do what makes you happy.” Disappointment coursed through Sam as Mikaela sat silently. “Well, sounds like that’s the plan. We continue this charade for another six months, then you bail,” he said, trying to keep the anger and frustration out of his voice.
Mikaela started to argue, but stopped.
“Fine. I’m going for a swim.” Sam got up, banged his empty glass down on the counter in the kitchen, and strode out of the room.
Sam cut threw the water angrily. That went well, he thought sarcastically. Great discussion. He couldn’t believe that while he plotted to make the engagement real, she was plotting out how to end it and move away. Great. Now he knew how she felt. What a fiasco. At least he kept his mouth shut and didn’t make a fool of himself. Sam cut through the water, flipped at the wall, and pushed off with a powerful kick. He didn’t want her to take another job. He didn’t want her to move out. He wanted her to love him like he loved her. Pain seared his chest. He pounded the water until his arms ached and his breath caught. So now what? He has to pretend he’s fine with the whole stupid plan? Every day, he has to sit with her and be happy for her? Live out this fake engagement knowing that in the end, she’s leaving? It was going to be a long six months.
Mikaela sat quietly, blinking away tears. Guilt clawed at her. She could have made him happy, she felt like screaming. She had the chance to make his life easier, to make his job better, but did she? No, she put her job first. What did that say about her? About them? It’s for the best, she told herself as her eyes filled. She focused on the Christmas tree, the pretty lights, and the sparkle of the ornaments. She wanted to curl up beside Sam and start Christmas traditions together. Staring at the tree just made her sadder. Mikaela got up restlessly. She picked up her bag in the front hall. As she walked through the kitchen and past the exercise room, she saw Sam swimming lengths in the pool. She watched him cut gracefully through the water with powerful strokes, his skin gleaming in the low lights. Oh Sam, she thought, I’m so sorry. She turned away and made her way down the hall. She hesitated outside the guest room. Guest room? Master bedroom? She walked into the guest room and dumped her bags on the floor. It was going to be a long six months.
Chapter 33
happenstance horoscope
ARIES (March 21-April 19) Your ideas are solid �
� now all you have to do is make them work. It’s best to be honest to put an end to a difficult situation. Consider another person’s viewpoint. Love is yours.
By Thursday, Mikaela’s nerves were wrung so tight she was surprised her hair wasn’t curling spontaneously. She had dropped off the proposal on Monday and hadn’t yet heard back from the committee. She had operated all day Tuesday and had a fully booked clinic on Wednesday. She’d slept fitfully all week and missed the easy camaraderie she had had with Sam. He worked, swam, slept, and avoided her like the plague. Maybe he’d had a chance to think about how she treated him and decided she was as unlikable as she felt.
And worst of all, the Department of Surgery’s Christmas dinner and dance started in one hour. She dreaded it. They had hardly spoken to each other since Sunday, and tonight they would have to pretend they were a happily engaged couple.
Mikaela dragged herself into the shower and let the warm water soothe her tired muscles. She stood under the stream and wished her problems could be washed away. If only she could rewind the clock and start with the truth. The whole truth. It would be so simple. She could tell Sam she loved him. He would tell her … well, she wasn’t really sure what he would tell her. Mikaela sighed. She wanted to hear that she was the love of his life, and he couldn’t live without her. That he wanted to marry her and spend a lifetime of Christmases with her. And their children. Cute little Sams and Mikaelas.
She turned off the shower and wrapped herself in a fluffy towel. She rubbed her hair dry and combed it out. Or at least, she wished, they could go back to being friends. Eating together, spending the evenings together. She missed that. Since Sunday, they had barely seen each other. Sam suddenly got extremely busy.
Mikaela pulled the red velvet dress over her head and smoothed it over her hips. The material clung to her curves and draped softly to her thighs. She fastened a single teardrop necklace and pulled her hair up, leaving soft tendrils to hide the jewels that sparkled at her ears. She fussed with her make-up and took extra care to hide the dark circles under her eyes. Dabbing her favorite perfume behind her ears, she slipped into her heels and headed out to the living room.
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