by Dan Gutman
That’s when I got the greatest idea in the history of the world.
“Will you be in our class picture, Miss Suki?” I asked.
“Please? Please? Please?” everybody begged. We said please about a million hundred times. If you ever want to get something from a grown-up, just say please over and over again. The more times you say it, the better chance they will say yes. That’s the first rule of being a kid.
“Well, okay,” said Miss Suki.
“YAY!”
See? It’s amazing. All you have to do is say one dumb word and you can get whatever you want. What a scam!
10
Say Cheese!
We walked Miss Suki to the gym. Mrs. Roopy brought along the Blueberry Award.
“Miss Suki, I’ve read all your books,” said Andrea, who never misses the chance to brownnose a grown-up, “and I have a question.”
“What is it?”
“Well, in The Reluctant Rhino, you wrote that Ricky the Rhino ate a fish for lunch. But I looked it up in my encyclopedia, and rhinos are vegetarians.”
“They’re animal doctors?” I asked.
“No, dumbhead,” Andrea said. “That’s a veterinarian. A vegetarian doesn’t eat meat. Rhinos are vegetarians, so a rhino wouldn’t eat a fish.”
“It would too,” I said.
“It would not,” Andrea said.
We went back and forth like that for a while. Then I came up with a genius idea to win the argument.
“A rhino that went to medical school could be a veterinarian,” I said. “And veterinarians can eat meat. So there!”
Nah-nah-nah boo-boo on Andrea. In her face! No wonder they put me in the gifted and talented program.
“Is that true?” Miss Suki asked. She looked all upset. “Rhinos are vegetarians? That ruins my whole story!”
Then Miss Suki started crying again. Man, what is her problem? That lady cries more than Emily.
When we got to the gym, the photographer lined us up in ABC order. The girls were frantically combing their hair and putting on bracelets and necklaces and earrings and all kinds of other girly stuff. I can’t believe girls poke holes in their ears and hang gold things all over themselves like they’re Christmas trees. What’s up with that?
“My mother said she would put my picture on our refrigerator,” Andrea told us.
“So, does she put food on her camera?” I asked.
“Oh, snap!” said Ryan.
Me and the guys made funny faces when our pictures were taken. But the photographer got mad and made us do them over again.
Finally it was time to take a picture of the whole class. The photographer lined us up in three rows on the bleachers. I had to stand next to Emily. Miss Daisy stood in the back row on the left side, and Miss Suki stood on the right side.
“Hey, can Rappy be in the picture, too?” I asked. “That would be cool.”
“Rappy’s had a long day,” Miss Suki replied. “I think he needs to rest.”
“Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please?”
“Well, okay,” said Miss Suki.
I tell you, it works every time.
Miss Suki took Rappy out of the mystery box and put him on her finger. Rappy turned his head around slowly to look at everybody. It was cool, but a little scary, too. He looked like he was searching for something—or someone—to eat. I’m glad we didn’t have any pigeons or ducks in the gym.
“Don’t worry,” Miss Suki said. “Rappy wouldn’t hurt a fly.”
Emily pulled out her little mirror to fix her hair one last time.
“Okay,” said the photographer. “Is everybody ready? Say ‘cheese’!”
That’s when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened. Rappy must have seen his reflection in Emily’s mirror, because the next thing we knew, he flew off Miss Suki’s finger at two hundred miles an hour! And he was heading straight for Emily!
11
Just a Minor Problem
Emily was looking in her mirror. She didn’t see Rappy flying at her.
“Watch out!” everybody screamed. But it was too late. Rappy rammed right into Emily! She fell off the bleachers! She was freaking out!
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKK!” she screamed. “The raptor attacked me!”
Rappy freaked out too. He took off and went flying crazily around the gym. Everybody started screaming and covering their heads.
“The raptor is loose!” shouted Ryan.
“We need a doctor!” shouted the photographer.
“How about Dr. Seuss?” I suggested.
“Emily, go to Mrs. Cooney’s office!” shouted Miss Daisy. “Now!”
Rappy was swooping around like he was out of his mind. Emily was crying, and for once I couldn’t blame her. I’d cry too if some nutty raptor attacked me. She crawled out of the gym on her hands and knees so Rappy couldn’t dive-bomb her.
“He’s wild!” shouted Michael. “He’ll use his razor-sharp talons and beak to tear into our flesh!”
“He’s just frightened!” shouted Miss Suki. “Rappy wouldn’t hurt a fly.”
“He hurt Emily!” yelled Andrea.
“Don’t provoke him!” Miss Suki yelled, even though none of us knew what that meant. (Well, maybe Andrea did.)
“Call Miss Lazar!” shouted Miss Daisy. Miss Lazar is the school custodian, and she can solve any problem. She must have been right down the hall, because about a second later she burst into the gym. She was holding a toilet bowl plunger.
“We have a wild raptor on our hands,” Miss Daisy said.
“Do you want me to kill it?” asked Miss Lazar. She got into a batting stance like she was going to hit Rappy with the toilet bowl plunger.
“NO!” yelled Miss Suki. “He’s endangered!”
“I have an idea,” said Miss Lazar. “I could build a cage out of toilet bowl plungers and we could trap him inside. He’ll never escape.”
Miss Lazar is bizarre. She has a museum filled with toilet bowl plungers in her secret storage room down in the basement.
Mr. Klutz came running into the gym with his bald head.
“What seems to be the problem?” he asked.
“The raptor attacked Emily!” Miss Daisy said.
“Everyone calm down,” said Mr. Klutz. “I’ll take care of this. I know how to handle animals. In my younger days I used to work in a zoo.”
“Please don’t hurt Rappy,” begged Miss Suki. “He’s my baby!”
“Leave it to me,” said Mr. Klutz. “Where is he?”
“UP THERE!” we all shouted.
Mr. Klutz looked up. When he saw Rappy flying around near the ceiling, he screamed.
“Quick!” he yelled. “Get me a towel!”
“Are you going to trap the raptor in a towel?” Miss Daisy asked, running into the locker room to get one.
“No,” said Mr. Klutz. “I’m going to wrap the towel around my head so the raptor doesn’t peck me.”
That was smart. After all, Mr. Klutz’s bald head is so shiny, Rappy might see his reflection—and attack!
Miss Daisy came running back with a towel. Mr. Klutz wrapped it around his bald head. Then our gym teacher, Miss Small, came racing in. She was carrying a catcher’s mitt, chest protector, and shin guards.
“Here,” she said. “Put these on!”
“Good idea!” Mr. Klutz said. After he put the stuff on, he looked like a real catcher. That is, if catchers wore towels on their heads.
“How will you get the raptor down from the ceiling?” asked Miss Small.
“Hand me that mirror!” ordered Mr. Klutz. “I’ll put it in the mitt. The raptor will see his reflection in the mirror and think it’s his enemy. Then he’ll fly right into the mitt, and I’ll catch him.”
Boy, Mr. Klutz should get the No Bell Prize for that genius idea. If he was a kid, he’d be in the gifted and talented program for sure.
Miss Small picked up Emily’s mirror and gave it to Mr. Klutz.
> “What if Rappy misses the mitt?” asked Andrea. “Raptors have four-inch-long, razor-sharp talons they use to tear into flesh. He could kill a lion!”
Mr. Klutz grabbed Miss Suki’s Blueberry Award and held it in front of him like a shield.
“This will protect me,” he said.
At that moment, guess who ran through the door? Nobody, because running through a door would hurt. But guess who ran through the doorway?
It was Dr. Carbles, the president of the Board of Education!
12
Author Visits Are Fun!
“Sorry I missed the assembly,” he said. “What’s going on here, Klutz? Why are you dressed up in that weird costume? Why is it that every time I visit this school, there’s a disturbance?”
“No reason to be alarmed, sir,” said Mr. Klutz. “Just a minor problem with a raptor.”
“Raptor?!” exclaimed Dr. Carbles. “Didn’t one of them rip some guy’s head off in Jurassic Park?”
“Be careful!” begged Miss Suki. “He’s my baby!”
“You gave birth to a raptor?” asked Dr. Carbles.
Just then, Rappy came down from the ceiling and started swooping around the gym again. Everyone was ducking and screaming.
“Stand back!” shouted Mr. Klutz, as he waved the catcher’s mitt around to attract Rappy’s attention. “Come on, Rappy. Be a good boy. Come to Papa!”
I think Mr. Klutz was waving the catcher’s mitt around a little too fast. Because while he was waving it, Emily’s mirror fell out. It hit the floor and broke into a million hundred little pieces.
“Oh, no!” everybody yelled.
Mr. Klutz looked at Miss Suki. Miss Suki looked at Miss Daisy. Miss Daisy looked at Mrs. Roopy. Mrs. Roopy looked at the photographer. Everybody was looking at everybody else.
Suddenly Rappy went really crazy and started flying even faster around the gym. Then he must have spotted the shiny letters on the Blueberry Award, because he dive-bombed straight toward Mr. Klutz!
Mr. Klutz didn’t know what to say! He didn’t know what to do! He had to think fast!
Just before Rappy would have rammed into him, Mr. Klutz held up the Blueberry Award.
Wham!
Rappy slammed right into it and broke it in half! Oooooh, that had to hurt! Rappy got it right on the kisser!
It was awesome. A real Kodak moment. Luckily the photographer was snapping pictures the whole time.
“Hooray for Mr. Klutz!” we all shouted.
Everybody was cheering. Well, everybody except for Miss Suki, who was on her knees, sobbing. Rappy didn’t look too happy either. In fact, it looked like he might be dead. He was on the floor with his legs in the air, twitching.
“Is that what Mr. Klutz meant by killing two birds with one stone?” Ryan asked.
“He’s dead!” Miss Suki cried. “You killed my baby!”
“He’s not dead,” Mr. Klutz assured her. “He’s just…resting.”
“Does this mean that Rappy is still endangered?” asked Michael. “Or is he extinct now?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “He smells fine to me.”
“You’re a bunch of monsters!” Miss Suki shouted as she scooped Rappy off the floor. “This is the worst day of my life!”
Then she ran out of the gym crying. She didn’t even take the shattered pieces of her Blueberry Award with her.
“Does this mean you won’t be signing any more autographs?” I asked Miss Suki. But I don’t think she heard me. She was long gone.
All in all, I thought Miss Suki’s visit was really cool, especially when Rappy went berserk and attacked Emily. I mean, we got to meet a famous author, and we got to see Mr. Klutz dress up like a catcher with a towel around his head. But best of all, we got to miss math.
I was thinking about it. Miss Suki won the Blueberry Award by writing about a raptor that flew into a window and nearly died. And then the same raptor flew into the Blueberry Award and nearly died! I guess the moral of the story is that you should never bring a raptor to school. Or a Blueberry Award.
Maybe Miss Suki will be able to nurse Rappy back to health again. Maybe Mrs. Cooney will be able to nurse Emily back to health again. Maybe Miss Lazar will be able to fix the Blueberry Award. Maybe Emily and Andrea will stop looking at themselves in the mirror all the time because you never know when you might be attacked by a crazed raptor. Maybe we’ll be able to talk Mr. Klutz into inviting another author to our school next year.
But it won’t be easy!
About the Author and the Illustrator
DAN GUTMAN has written many weird books for kids. He lives in New Jersey (a very weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. You can visit him on his weird website at www.dangutman.com
JIM PAILLOT lives in Arizona (another weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. Isn’t that weird? You can visit him on his weird website at www.jimpaillot.com
Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins author.
Credits
Cover art © 2007 by Jim Paillot
Copyright
MY WEIRD SCHOOL #17: MISS SUKI IS KOOKY!. Text copyright © 2007 by Dan Gutman. Illustrations copyright © 2007 by Jim Paillot. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
EPub © Edition NOVEMBER 2008 ISBN: 9780061973376
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*If you ever see one of these things in a book, it means you’re supposed to look down.
**Ha-ha-ha! Made you look down! Man, you’ll fall for anything!
***But she was not the same kind of drawer you put stuff in. That would be weird.
****Boys can’t be beautiful. Boys can be handsome. Girls are beautiful. Especially girls like Mrs. Cooney, our school nurse. But not girls like Andrea.