Waiting for Grace

by Oakes, Hayley

  “Look, I’ve got to get to work,” I said remembering myself, and curbing my emotions before they seeped onto the table between us.

  “Yes,” he jumped up, “I shouldn’t keep you, as I said, I just wanted to check in.” He looked at me solemnly.

  “Look, I finish at six and perhaps …”

  “Yes,” he nodded.

  I smiled, “A drink?”

  “Or dinner?” he said. “A catch up?”

  “Long overdue.” I nodded.

  “I’d love to.” He smiled; it spread over his face into a grin. I was captivated by his face; the face that had surprised me in long grass all those years ago. His face was more rugged. He had laughter lines these days and he had filled out a bit, but those blue eyes still shone through. I nodded and watched as he left, I sighed and Lyndsey appeared at my side.

  “Damn, that looked intense.”

  “Yep.” I nodded.

  “He likes you a lot!” She emphasised the last part and nodded manically grinning.

  “Well, I have some stuff to tell him later that he might not like at all,” I said, and she gasped.

  “Oh, Grace, your life’s like a bloody roller coaster. I love it!” She laughed. I felt dizzy from his presence and giddy like he had always made me feel as a teenager. Suddenly, that fight, those words, they were all forgotten. His smile erased it all and his words played over and over again in my head. I never meant to keep Devon a secret. I never meant to not contact him again but things happened. Words were spoken that kept me from doing the right and reasonable thing. Time passed and the opportunity to own up and speak the truth was missed. I could have told him so many times; I could have written, phoned, visited, but I chose to disappear instead. I believed the things he said and desperately tried to move on and let him live his life without me dragging him down. I thought I was doing the right thing, but with the eyes of a twenty-four year old woman, I now knew that missing out on your daughter’s life is unforgivable no matter what.

  ***

  At three, I was able to take my break and I walked to the corner shop to get a drink and some chocolate. I didn’t have much of an appetite for lunch because I was nervous about the evening ahead. It had been so long since I had seen Robert that our plans later still seemed like a dream. I had texted Maria and asked if she would mind me going out after work. She always picked the kids up from their after school club, anyway. They had usually done their homework by the time she got there and so she would just get them home, give them tea, and I would either get home for us to eat with the kids or we would eat later. Our routine was rarely interrupted and so she knew something was unusual.

  Her return text said it all: Of course, no problems, call me on your break, what’s going on? I have no meetings this afternoon x

  I decided to get my snack first and then call her to explain when I had relaxed somewhere. As I strode to the corner shop in the bleak weather, I couldn’t believe how far I had come. I was a London native; I lived in the big city and was exposed daily to the sights and sounds of city life. I hardly noticed these days, but it was far cry from the small town upbringing I had endured. I was a faceless name in this sea of people, but the rush of living here and of my independence still surged inside me. I was so much different from the girl who arrived here seven years ago with a dream and an idealistic view of life. Then again, nowhere else on Earth made me feel so alive and so together. I smiled as I walked towards the shop and gained some confidence to see Robert.

  The day he left, the day we went our separate ways, played in my mind over and over again. I had loved him so hard and so strong that I had never, until that moment, had to face living without him. Watching him walk away tore me in two. Part of me left with him. My life hadn’t been terrible, it hadn’t been without money and my father’s garage still churned out an income for my mother, but it was without emotional connection and without love. Robert filled that void for me, and so opened a hole that needed to be filled where it never had before. Thank God for Devon, Maria, and Max as they helped me feel whole and normal after feeling dead inside when Robert left.

  Today I would try to explain; today I would try to make him understand. I didn’t know the day that he left that I was pregnant or for another three months, but there it was. I was having our baby, and it was definitely not in my plans. I wanted to stay here, I wanted us both to stay in London and never go back to that town where I couldn’t make memories like I could in the big city. I was a dreamer and I wanted to live a cosmopolitan life and find my sister. I didn’t want to stay there and live an ordinary existence like everyone else. I wanted my freedom, I wanted the life I should have lived, surrounded by people who cared about me, but Robert just wanted his family. It was understandable, but they weren’t mine.

  After three months apart and words that were hard to swallow, I couldn’t tell him, I was too proud. This was my burden, my cross to bear, and I didn’t want to interrupt his promising life with an unplanned teenage pregnancy. I struggled financially before I found out I was pregnant, a teenage girl alone in the big city and the day I found out I sat crying in the waiting room, wondering how I would cope. Then I met Jackie, and ultimately Maria who helped me. Still, the weight of my decision never became apparent until I fell deeply in love with my daughter. The years have shown me every little miracle that he has missed out on and as I have grown older and wiser, it has allowed me to see that this was never my decision to make. I should have told him. I should have made him aware. I could have stayed in London, but he should have known. I know that now, but over the years I have never been brave enough to face the music even though Devon has asked, and I have provided stories and pictures. I couldn’t face what I had to do.

  Robert was here. I had to tell him and I felt ashamed. I wanted us to catch up and giggle like teenagers, stare into each other’s eyes and smile goofily whilst we recalled our awesome times together. That wasn’t going to happen because once I told him about beautiful Devon everything would be ruined.

  ***

  I picked my mobile out of my pocket, ripped the wrapper off my chocolate bar, and called Maria on my walk back to the diner. “Hi,” she said.

  “Hi,” I sighed.

  “What’s going on, then?” she asked. “You sound upset.”

  “Well, I just went from hero to zero in five minutes, happy and then sad, I’m going mad.”

  “What? Slow down, what are you talking about?” she asked. “Deep breaths, has this got something to do with Owen and Robert?”

  “Bingo,” I said. “Robert was here.”

  “What?” she gasped, “He turned up at work?”

  “Yep.” I nodded and took a seat on the bench outside of the diner. “I came in this morning and he was waiting for me.”

  “Wow, I … what did he say?”

  “He lives here,” I whispered, conscious that people moved around me as I poured my heart out through the phone. “He’s been in London for years and when Owen told him he saw me he just … turned up.”

  “She was speechless. We stayed in silence for a second. “Do you think he still loves you?” she asked.

  “No, no.” I shook my head, “He’s probably happily married.”

  “Happily married men don’t trace ex girlfriends and take them out after work.”

  “Hey, I didn’t say I was going out with him.”

  “Oh, who are you going out with then?” she asked sarcastically.

  “Him,” I whispered. “I must be mad … it’s gonna be awful. I’ll tell him about Devon and he’ll shout at me and …” tears filled my eyes and I continued, “… he’s gonna hate me, and I don’t think I can live with that.”

  “Grace, come on, we’ve been through this so many times. You were a girl, a kid, hell, we both were. We made decisions that were right for us at the time and not anyone else. We didn’t know how to think about anyone else till we had those kids.”

  I sighed, “I lost him once and seeing him today reminded me how muc
h that killed me.” I shook my head.

  “Grace, one step at a time. If he’s any sort of decent human being he’ll understand and if he’s a decent man he’ll want to be a part of his little girl’s life. You won’t lose him, but you might be stuck with him forever.”

  “Maria, I’m not ready for this. I thought I’d have time to make a plan and choose my words.”

  “Don’t pretend you haven’t run this scenario through your head a million times.” She laughed. “Just do it quick, rip it off like a plaster.”

  I nodded, silent again. “I was just thinking how much I loved this city and my life.” I sniffed.

  “Too bloody right, we are awesome, independent women with glistening careers ahead of us amounting to more than any of our loser families thought we would.”

  “Then I think of Robert and I crumble.”

  “Look, Grace, sod him, sod this ‘little girl lost’ routine. He walked away from YOU! You were pregnant. You have loved and brought up his daughter. So you were too embarrassed to ask for help? Sod him! See him tonight as the confident woman who loves her city and is a bloody phoenix from the ashes. Don’t be anyone’s bloody victim.”

  “Yeah!” I shouted, and then realised where I was and looked around laughing.

  “Yeah!” Maria shouted.

  ***

  The afternoon disappeared in a blur of activity. Anna arrived during my break and Lyndsey went home. I went to the bathroom at 5:30 and touched up my make up. I always carried something in my bag, luckily, for emergencies, usually involving walking from the bus in the rain. I applied more foundation, blusher, and mascara and retied my hair into a high bun. I raked my hands through my fringe and headed back out for the last half hour of my shift.

  “Shit,” Groucher said as I went to pick up some orders he had shouted. “You going out or something?”

  I smirked. “Do I usually look like death or something?”

  “No.” He laughed. “But you’re looking good, who’s the lucky man?”

  “It’s not like that.” I smiled.

  “Well he better treat you right,” he called after me, and I laughed as I made my way out of the two-way door into the restaurant. I walked forward, plates held high when I saw him by the door. He was early. Anna bounded over to him. I saw her from behind as she cocked her head to the side and talked to him, but he continued to look at me. I tore my gaze away and placed the meals at table four.

  “Any sauces?” I asked breezily, my voice a lot steadier than I felt.

  “No, thanks.”

  “Grace!” Anna shouted to me. I glanced back over to meet Robert’s eyes again, and Anna tipped her head towards him, calling me over.

  “A friend for you,” she whispered leaning towards me when I approached. “Full of surprises this week.” She grinned.

  “Hi,” I said, grinning sheepishly when I saw Robert. He wore the same dark woollen coat over a pinstriped suit with a purple tie. He smiled easily and Anna walked away watching us through narrowed eyes as she made her way to the kitchen. No doubt she was going to spread the word that a man was here to meet me; it was unheard of.

  “Hi,” Robert said. “Sorry I’m early, I had a meeting nearby and it finished early. Should I go for a walk and come back?”

  “Oh God no, don’t be silly, take a seat at the bar, I’ll get you a drink and see if I can finish early. God knows I’ve stayed late enough times.” He smiled and followed me to the bar. I was conscious that he could watch me from behind, because I was heavier than when he knew me. Not to mention our uniforms consisted of a stretchy, black skirt that stopped mid thigh and a fitted, white collared shirt, leaving our bottoms exposed to ogling. “Take a seat,” I said, patting a red upholstered stool.

  “Thanks,” he said.

  Five

  Eight Years Earlier

  School had finished for the summer. I had taken my GCSEs and was fairly confident that I would get into college with the results I was expecting. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, but I was pretty sure there was more to life than this town and my depressing mother. After bumping into Robert that day, I had walked Jess past his house as usual for the past three weeks, but hadn’t seen him since. The summer heat was becoming more intense, and I was used to lying around in bed most of the morning and then sunbathing in the afternoon with my friends, Rachel and Jane. Then I would head home, walk Jess, and either sit with Mrs Jones for a few hours, or read a book in the garden.

  Rachel’s dad lived in Chicago, and so she was going there for six weeks. Jane’s parents were taking her and her brother to Florida for three weeks. I had other friends from school, but none that I could be bothered to spend the summer with. They were all obsessed with boys … kissing boys, chasing boys and parties where they could pull boys. I liked boys, had kissed a few boys at parties, but the incessant chatter hurt my ears. Rachel, Jane, and I had more to talk about, and we had no interest in the childish, boring boys that we knew from school. Instead, we planned holidays, designed our own clothes from old stuff we had at the back of the wardrobe, and smoked cigarettes on my back porch, after Irene was safely in bed.

  I decided that if I was going to be alone for half the summer then I had best get a job, and so I trawled town for a place that would take me. I managed to get a job as a waitress at a local café, and it couldn’t have been better. I did four hours in the afternoon and got £15 a day.

  It was Friday and I had done two shifts. I walked home in the sun and listened to my latest obsession, Beyonce. I strode into the house and mum was sitting in the dark watching television. She stared blankly ahead when I entered, and so I ran straight upstairs. I changed out of my work clothes and released my hair to fall down my back. I grabbed a pair of denim shorts, a white flowing top, and some flip flops. I ran back downstairs before mum noticed I had even come in and went next door to get Jess.

  “No friends today?” Mrs Jones asked, referring to Rachel and Jane, who sometimes accompanied me.

  “No,” I said as I shook my head. “They’ve both gone on holiday.” I smiled.

  “Never mind,” she said. “You got the weather here, no need to go abroad.”

  “True,” I said. “I’ll take her for a nice long walk today, tire her out.”

  “Good girl,” she nodded, “Now I’ve made some apple puff pastries today.”

  “Great.” I grinned. This woman was determined to make me eat sugar, and I wasn’t sure if I had actually eaten all day, so perhaps it would be all right.

  I headed the other way from my usual route out of our long, leafy street. Jess strode ahead sniffing as she went, and I basked in the late afternoon sunshine with a spring in my step from my music. I rounded the corner and headed through the centre of town, passed the local park and walked past my primary school. We reached full circle after an hour and I decided to cut back through the large grassy area that we usually run around on, to get home.

  Tonight would be another night of mindless television or reading a good book around the house. Perhaps I’d organise my wardrobe or re-vamp some of Diane’s old stuff. I was just making my way to the entrance of the field from the pavement when I heard my name. It must have been loud if I heard it over my music, and as I turned, Robert stood directly next to me laughing, sitting on his bike. I took my earphones out.

  “What have I told you about this field?” he asked and smiled. “It’s dangerous.”

  I smiled back and looked across the field. “I can’t see a single psycho, now back off.”

  He hopped off his bike and reached down to pat Jess, “Not seen you about.” He shrugged and asked, “You been avoiding these parts?”

  “No,” I shook my head. “I’ve been doing my usual route, you just obviously haven’t been looking hard enough.”

  “Hmm,” he said, putting one of his hands in his pocket. “I must remember to ramp up watching out the window from 20 hours a day to 24.”

  I rolled my eyes and muttered, “Well, I better get Jess back.” I
nodded to the field. “You going this way?”

  “She got a curfew?”

  “What?”

  “The dog, why’s she gotta get back?”

  “Oh …” I said walking into the field, him behind wheeling his bike. “She’s not my dog; I walk her for my neighbour. She’s an old lady and can’t get out anymore, so I can’t get her back too late.” I patted Jess affectionately as I let her off the lead to run ahead.

  “That’s sweet,” he said.

  I scrunched my nose and looked at him. “Sweet?”

  “Yeah … a nice thing to do.”

  “I’m not twelve.” I laughed. “I do it because I want to, not because it’s sweet.”

  “Okay.” He held his hands up. “You’re not sweet, you’re a cold-hearted bitch who likes dogs. I get it.” I laughed and he did, too.

  We reached the end of the field and Jess was waiting patiently, his house was looming again. “How about this time you let me walk you home? We can drop Jess off and I’ll treat you to an ice cream in town?”

  “Oo tempting.” I smiled.

  “Well?”

  “How about I drop Jess off and meet you in town?”

  He looked at me through narrowed eyes. “How about I walk you home, we drop Jess off, and you treat me to an ice cream?”

  “Hey, that’s a worse deal.”

  “My first offer is always the best.” He grinned, winking at me.

  “Fine.” I nodded. “But I get the first deal.”

  “Done,” he said, “Come inside a minute, I’ll just tell my mum.” Before I could protest he led us up his driveway and let himself in the front door. I hooked Jess back on to the lead. “Come in,” he said as he motioned. I shook my head.

  “I don’t know you … this is weird,” I said. He smiled thinly and disappeared inside. I could see a floral hallway that was decorated tastefully in creams and lilacs and a mahogany telephone table facing the door with a large bunch of fresh flowers in a vase. He re-appeared, closely followed by a plump woman, with dark shoulder length hair and square rimmed glasses.