by T. K. Chapin
I leaped off the bed and embraced her with a hug. She began laughing. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m just excited to go back to work. And if you’re wondering about my happiness levels still, it’s pretty high right now!”
She grinned. “I know you’re excited; just be careful.”
Unable to contain my excitement, I called Megan on the way out of the doctor’s office. I knew she’d be happy for me to get back to work. She ignored my call, then sent a text saying she’d call me later in the evening with the boys like she said earlier on the phone.
CHAPTER 10
Megan never called that evening, so I called her the next day. This time in the morning in the hopes of catching her before her day began.
“I’m kind of busy right now,” Megan said answering her phone. Her tone set the mood to a dismal one. Glancing at my freed arm, I elected not to give her the good news.
“Oh, well you never called last night.”
“We’re going to be late to church if we don’t leave, Cole. I gotta go.”
“Can you please follow through and call back this time?” I asked.
“I will,” she replied. “Last night got crazy and then they were all doing this big-” she began to say, but I interrupted her because I could care less about the excuses and reasons she had for not calling.
“Thank you,” I replied quickly and hung up. That woman was obtuse to the fact she hurt me by the continual excuses and reasoning why our boys weren’t talking to their father.
My heart longed for my boys more than ever, and I missed them like crazy. I went in their bedroom and sat there looking at a few of their toys. Closing my eyes, I imagined them there playing and even screaming. I smiled as I reminisced about the things that once annoyed me.
Megan didn’t care about how I felt or what was going on this side of reality. She didn’t understand nor care about anything other than herself and what was going on in her own world. And to think I once thought she was perfect. She was nothing but a selfish and inconsiderate brat who wooed me with her eyes and body when I was a kid.
I hated what the separation was creating inside of me. Layer by layer, moment by moment my reality was being stripped away and discarded like a banana peel.
Leaving the boys’ room, I walked into my bedroom and glanced over at the clock on the night stand. I thought for a moment about getting ready and going to church, but then I pushed the thought away. I told myself that I needed to relax and I was in no shape spiritually to go to church.
Later that day, after a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with chips, I was on my way from the kitchen to the stairs when suddenly I sneezed. Catching my sneeze in my hands, I opened my eyes and a Bible caught my attention over on the bookcase. Glancing up at the ceiling, as if God sent the sneeze, a grin came out of the corner of my lip. I looked at the bookcase again. The Bible that caught my eye had been handed down from generation to generation in the Taylor family. It started out as my great grandfather’s Bible, and then it became my grandpa’s, then my dad’s and then four years ago —when my dad passed— it became mine. I had always looked forward to having the Bible on my bookcase some day, but I never contemplated what it would mean to have it.
Noticing the dust that encased all the Bibles that were lined up on the shelf, I felt guilty. Between never reading the Bible, barely going to Church and frequently forgetting to pray, I began to wonder why God would let me into Heaven to be with Him forever when I couldn’t be with Him for a mere five minutes here on earth.
I grabbed that Bible from the bookcase faster than a person on their last breaths grabbing for a life preserver at sea. Making myself comfortable on the couch, I cracked open the dust ridden pages. The Bible flipped open to Proverbs where I found a folded piece of paper from some distant time long ago. The paper had that smell of oldness to it. Kind of like the smell of old letters. Unfolding the paper, I immediately noticed my father’s handwriting. All it said was Proverbs 3:7 – Live by it. Looking up the verse, it read, ‘Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil.’ Was I being wise in my own eyes? Part of me justified my angst towards Megan. She was being horrible! Then, a small and quiet part of me –that abided in the depths of my soul— told me I was wrong.
I felt torn and needed to talk to someone. I knew just the guy to call: Micah. Peering at the clock on my cell phone, I knew he’d be home from church by now. My muscles tensed as I waited for him to pick up. I had pretty much kicked him out of my house the other day at the mention of God. I wasn’t worried he would talk to me. I was worried he’d make me feel stupid about what I said.
“Missed ya at church today, Taylor.” he answered his phone saying.
“Yeah… it just didn’t work out,” I replied. I noticed he had no resentment in his tone. “About yesterday…”
“Forget it. What’s up, Brother?” he asked.
Relief came over me and the building tension inside of me subsided. “I’m doing some reading in my Bible and I came across Proverbs three verse seven.”
“Let me grab my own Bible,” he insisted. Setting his phone down only to return a moment later, I could hear him begin to flip through the pages.
“The Doc cleared me, I’ll be back in action on Monday,” I said as I waited for him to look up the verse.
“That’s great. We’re all excited for you to get back. We need ya out there.”
“It’ll be good to get back.”
“Okay, I found the verse…” he mumbled a little and then read it out loud. “Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil.”
“Yeah, that first half of the verse…”
“What about it?” he asked.
“Well, basically… I felt conviction over it. But I know I’m right about Megan and how what she is doing isn’t right. So does that mean-”
He interrupted me. “Let me stop you right there.”
“Okay.”
“Megan’s actions are not what this verse is speaking about. It’s talking directly to you, Cole. So, if you think you are right and justified in your thinking… You are not letting God be your God.”
“God be my God?” I asked, confused by the statement.
“Yeah, check it out. Let’s say you think you are right about Megan. You just tell yourself definitive statements over and over again about how this isn’t right, that’s wrong, and so on… But you, Cole Taylor, are not seeking God in the process… Are you in the right or the wrong?”
“Well, I don’t need to seek God, because I know I’m right.”
“Wrong. You do need to seek God in EVERYTHING! Not just when you’re searching for a solution to a problem you can’t figure out. Even if you swear you are in the right over a matter, you need God. Every single thing you come across in life should be funneled through God first and foremost. He’s the life source, Brother!” I could hear a smile in his voice and excitement in his tone.
“So I am in the wrong with Megan. Even though she stepped out, took my family-”
He interrupted me again. “You are re-enforcing your own wisdom with what you are saying right now! You gotta stop that backwards thinking and let God be your God! He is in control, Cole, and when you let him rule over your life fully and completely, you will see how much He can do. It’s HE who can make a difference in your marriage, not you.”
“You’re a smart man, Freeman. What you’re saying makes sense. Thank you. You’ve given me a lot to think about.”
Micah smiled. “Marriage is just like a fire. Each one is different and when you’re up there amongst the flames and things are heating up, you better have faith in God if you hope to keep the fire under control.”
After hanging up with Micah, I took some more time to continue reading my Bible and praying. Through reading the passage, praying and talk with Micah, God revealed to me that I was in the wrong with Megan. Not that she was right, but I was wrong in how I was handling it through myself instead of God.
Our marriage was perfect
from the outside looking in, but it lacked closeness and depth that I never noticed was missing. Recalling Micah yesterday at my house, he asked me what I did to show how I loved Megan. And the truth was I wasn’t doing as much as I could. I was on auto-pilot, just getting by with what little I needed to do.
At the end of that revealing afternoon, I bowed my head and lowered myself to my knees. I recommitted myself to God. Fully and wholeheartedly this time, I surrendered my will to His, once again. Hopefully this time it sticks, I thought as I began to pray.
Dear Heavenly Father, I come to you as a broken and desperate man. My marriage and life thus far has been lacking in ways I had never seen before today. Please help me to have patience, understanding and love for my wife, no matter what circumstances come my and her way. Help me be there for her as much as I can. My flesh is weak, but my spirit is willing.
I pray in Your Name, Amen.
When Megan video-called that evening, my face lit up like a child on Christmas morning as I saw her and the boys. I was overwhelmed with excitement to start repairing the brokenness that I knew existed between not only my wife and I, but between my own children and I.
“Hey babe,” I said.
“Umm… What?” she replied stone-faced.
“Sorry.”
“We’re separated, Cole. You can’t call me babe or say things like that.”
A prick from those familiar thorns of my rose sliced through my heart like a sharpened knife through a freshly cut piece of fruit. I needed to remember she was hurting. It is not easy to walk out on your husband and father of your children. I pushed my own pain to the side and prayed for God to help me in my moment of weakness. “Sorry, can we talk?” I glanced over at the boys as I continued, “Alone?”
“I called to let the boys talk to you. That’s what you said it was about earlier today…” Her words were strained and the bags under her eyes led me to believe she was exhausted.
“Yeah, it was but I got to thinking-”
Interrupting us, Justin and Brad shouted, “Da-da!”
Megan looked to be disinterested in our talk as she eyeballed the boys, so I dropped it for the moment. “Hey boys, whatcha doing?” I asked.
“Um… park and get owie and yogurt,” Justin said.
“You went to the park today Bud?”
Justin showed me his elbow, pushing it up towards the screen. “Owie,” he said, looking at me from behind his elbow.
Megan gently pulled him back from the screen. “He fell off the platform on the playground and hit the bark pretty hard.”
“Ouch!” I replied.
“Yeah… owie,” Justin said as he continued to show me his elbow.
“Wuv you,” Bradley said from beside Justin. He leaned in and pushed by Justin to kiss the screen.
My eyes instantly started to shed a few tears as I saw my two boys missing their dad. “I miss you boys,” I said. Looking over at Megan, I continued, “I miss you Megan. Can’t you just come home? And end this?”
She shook her head. “Cole, you don’t understand…” her words trailed off again, this time I saw her wipe a tear from the corner of her eye.
“I do, though. I’ve been in the wrong with the way I’ve treated you. And for that I’m so… sorry.”
“Why’d you hesitate to say sorry?” she asked.
“It just doesn’t feel like sorry is enough…”
She began crying and told the boys, “Go play.” She brought the phone closer to her face as Bradley and Justin went off to join their cousins elsewhere. “Cole… Honestly, I’ve missed you.”
Finally, warmth, I thought to myself. “I’ve missed you so much,” I replied, adjusting in my seat to lean in closer. “Our house isn’t a home without you and the boys in it… It’s just empty, and so am I.”
“What’s different? You seem… different,” she asked as she searched my eyes.
“I was reading my Bible earlier today and I got real with God and myself. I need Him. We need Him. He needs to be in our life and our marriage in a big way.”
She cupped her hand over her eyes as she shook her head. “You were reading your Bible… so you think I’ll just come home and everything will be fixed?”
“No… it’s not a magical fix-it. It’ll take some work on both our parts, but I think if we both try…”
“Cole… that’s what you don’t get. I’m tired of trying. I am worn out…” More tears began running down her cheeks, and seeing the hurt in her eyes tore me to pieces. I felt so bad for the pain she had in her. The worst part of it was knowing it was my fault.
“I had no idea how much you’ve been hurting… I want to make it better.”
She sniffled. “I don’t need you to fix me. I need you to accept me.”
“Accept what?”
“That I’m unhappy.”
My jaw clenched as my flesh pushed its way through to the top. It began whispering in my ear, ‘this is the first time she’s ever said anything about being unhappy; tell her she’s stupid!’ I wasn’t able to escape my own selfish thoughts, and I spoke. “If you actually tried to fix things instead of running away from your problems, you might not feel like such a victim! You’re the one who left me!”
Her sad expression and tears shifted to one of anger and defensiveness as her eyebrows furrowed and her tears stopped rolling down her cheeks. “There’s that Cole that I know so well! It’s my problem, my issue and all my fault because I walked out the door, right? There cannot possibly be underlying issues in our marriage that led us to this point. It’s just my fault! Like always! This is why it’ll never work, Cole!” She hung up the video call abruptly, and I threw my phone across the living room. The phone accidently hit the picture frame that held a picture of our family over on the bookcase. The frame went tumbling to the floor and the glass shattered instantly on impact.
“Ugh!” I shouted as I walked over to the shattered glass. Looking down at the frame, the smiles we had as a family were masked by broken shards of glass. Picking the mess all up, I paused for a moment and looked up to the ceiling. “Why God? Why is this happening to me? What are you doing to me and why?” Walking over to the coffee table, I set the picture frame down and went upstairs to my room to lie down.
Megan wasn’t willing to fight for our marriage anymore, and it was up to me to somehow figure out how to piece the broken pieces of our family back together. The fire was growing more intense by the moment.
CHAPTER 11
The following morning, on Monday, the drive to the fire station was both terrifying and exciting. Part of me worried about my injured arm getting in my way. It was healed, but I still worried. What if there was some sort of underlying scar tissue left behind that could cause me to not swing my axe as hard as I used to? Or what if the lack of strength in my body from being out of shape caused me to move a little slower? Either scenario could end up killing someone who would have been saved. But I had to get that fear out of my head, so I gave it to God in the form of a prayer on the way into work. Whether it was my marriage problems with Megan or my fears of returning to work, I was dead set on giving it all over to God.
“You owe me twenty,” Rick said to Ted on my entry into the multi-purpose room that had the computers and TV.
“What was the bet on?” I asked, as I took a seat in one of the recliners in near the couch they were both sitting on.
“That’d you show up with a sling on today,” Ted said as he pulled out his wallet and fished out a twenty dollar bill for Rick.
“I couldn’t come back until my doctor signed off on it. That was a bad bet, Sherman,” I said with a laugh, looking over at Ted. He just shrugged.
Rick took the twenty from Ted’s hand and nodded. “Easy money for me.” He put the cash away and adjusted his seat back onto the couch. “So, you okay now, Taylor?”
“Yeah. I’m good. That was the longest six weeks of my life though. I’m glad to be back in the saddle. Where’s Freeman?”
“I think he’s in the
kitchen doing dishes,” Gus said from over at one of the computers on the other side of the room.
“Thanks, Vance. You been doing alright?” I asked.
“Yeah, got first place and the two grand on those sausages,” he replied.
“Nice. Congratulations, man.”
“Thanks,” he replied, turning back to the computer.
Heading into the kitchen, I found Micah doing the dishes. I smiled as I patted him on the shoulder and asked, “Want some help with those?”
“Sure,” he said as he gave me the towel that was draped over his shoulder. “Glad to have you back, Taylor. This place hasn’t been the same without you keeping everyone in line. Sherwood tries to keep an eye on the guys, but everyone knows you’re the one that keeps the order around here.”
“Good to be back.” I grabbed a plate from the second sink and began drying it. “I did some more reading in my Bible last night and talked to Megan a little bit.”
Stopping from washing the plate he had in his hand, Micah said, “That’s great to hear!”
Shaking my head as I put a plate in the cupboard, I said, “Yeah, the reading might have been good, but she seems pretty confident that she’s done with us.”
He continued washing the dishes. “You just gotta keep fighting that fight. This is your marriage, Taylor.”
“I don’t think it’s like that. She said she’s done trying to make this marriage work.”
“Has she filed for divorce?” he asked.
“I don’t think so.”
“Then you still have time.” He smiled. “Women need us dudes to lead them and our families. Even if they come across as not wanting it… they need us to be strong and lead.”
“It just seems so impossible now…” I sighed.