by T. K. Chapin
“You have a lot going on… I’m trying to be understanding. Losing a parent is rough.” I rubbed her back.
“Thanks…”
“You truly do amaze me.” She looked over at me. “I don’t get how you did it for so long with no help… I could barely handle just bath time.”
She smiled at me. “That means a lot that you can see that now…” She kissed my cheek and wrapped her arms around me. Gently pulling away, she got up and went over to the bookcase. She grabbed her Bible and brought it over to the couch. “I want to change with you.”
I smiled. “It’ll be good for you. My thinking has been transformed through reading Scriptures and praying daily.”
“I know,” she said. “I’m going to start reading my Bible and getting back into God. I need Him so badly right now.”
I nodded. “We need God to make this marriage work,” I said.
“I agree,” she replied.
I went and grabbed our laptop from the bedroom and found a Bible study guide online for couples. As we began working through the first session, answering questions and discussing passages, I could feel our marriage begin on the journey of healing with this single step forward.
CHAPTER 18
A week later and it was time to head back to work. I woke up that morning –like every morning that followed my wife’s return home— with a smile on my face knowing she was right there next to me. I still couldn’t get over the fact she was back home. Leaning over the covers, I pulled the comforter back and planted a kiss on her cheek. She came out of her sleep enough to smile over at me before rolling over and submerging deep under the covers. She had time until the boys would be up.
Placing my feet firmly beside my bed on the carpet, I stretched out my arms and got out of bed. I found myself wondering what my wife would be doing while I was gone for the next solid twenty-four hour stretch of time. I was going to miss her while I was on my shift.
After I got ready for work, I went back into the bedroom for another kiss. I put a knee on the bed and leaned over the covers again. “I love you,” I whispered into her ear as I kissed her cheek and her neck.
She kept her eyes closed as she turned her head back towards me and kissed my lips while she smiled. “I love you too. Have a good shift.”
Shutting the front door behind me, I was down the porch and out to my truck in the driveway. Climbing inside, I turned my eyes back to the house for a second as I thought about calling in sick. I can’t do that, I thought to myself as I turned the key over. That wouldn’t be right.
“How’s it going, Brother?” Micah asked, greeting me as he shut the door to his little white sedan in the parking lot at the station.
“I’m okay…” I said, walking up beside him on the way inside.
“You seem troubled.”
I nodded. “Just a little apprehensive about leaving Megan at home. I want to be with her.”
He patted my shoulder, “Takes time to build that trust up.”
“I don’t trust her?”
He nodded. “There’s been a break in the trust. It has to be repaired before you can move forward.”
“I see… What do I do with this lack of trust until it’s fixed?”
He shook his head as he smiled and said, “You gotta just-”
I interrupted. “Keep praying and reading my Bible,” I said, finishing his sentence. “That’s your answer for everything. You know that, right?” I laughed as we climbed the stairs up to the second level of the station.
He nodded “It’s simple advice and logical, but everything in the Bible is that way. God doesn’t make it complicated.”
I smiled over at him. “Yeah… I noticed Jasmine’s boyfriend was at the funeral.”
Micah nodded. “She insisted on bringing him… I’m coming around to being okay with the kid.”
“That’s good,” I replied.
“I think our seeds of faith are being reaped,” Micah said with a grin. “He’s been over a few times and seems like a good kid.”
“Awesome.”
Walking into the multi-purpose room, we found the rookie passed out on the sofa. Leaning into Micah’s ear, I whispered, “We should get him with the shaving cream.”
Micah had a giant grin come over his face as he nodded. We left the room and headed down the hallway to the showers. “He’s going to regret falling asleep on the couch,” Micah said, laughing as he grabbed the can from underneath the mirror. “Grab the feather from the kitchen, Taylor.”
I headed back down the hallway and grabbed the feather that hung in the kitchen near the sink. We used the over-sized feather to dust around the station, but also for the shaving cream and feather prank we pulled on the guys who accidently fell asleep on the couch instead of in their bunk.
Getting back into the multi-purpose room, Micah was loading the rookie’s hand with shaving cream and I got into position to tickle his face. My laughter was hard to contain, and I almost blew the whole prank, but I was able to rein it back in and keep my cool.
Quietly, I tickled Brian’s face with the feather as Micah stood a few paces back with his cell phone ready to take a picture. Rookie shifted on the couch and up came his hand, smothering his own face in the shaving cream. Rubbing it into his eyes, hair and neck before finally waking up, he looked like a three year old that got into their dad’s bathroom drawer. “What the heck…” he said, blinking his eyes open with a thick coat of white cream on his face.
Micah snapped the picture.
Then we both erupted in laughter as the rest of the guys from the bunks came wandering in. Everyone began laughing. Besides Brian, that is. He smiled to be a good sport, but we all knew he was mad. Standing up from the couch, he said, “Fellas, well played.” Then he proceeded out of the room quickly and down the hall towards the showers.
I spotted Kane walking out onto the balcony a few minutes later and joined him. As I shut the sliding door behind me, he looked up at me and asked, “How’s Megan?”
“She’s okay,” I replied, joining him at the table. “How’s your mom doing?”
Kane smiled at me. “She’s doing great, man. A lot of her pain is gone and she’s got a lot of life ahead of her.”
“That’s great, McCormick. How are you and the bakery gal doing?”
“Ashley. And we are good.”
“That’s good. Curious, how’d you figure out her name?” I asked, leaning across the table as I took a sip of my coffee.
He smiled and laughed. “It’s genius. I took her to a coffee shop and gave her a twenty and told her what I wanted. Went to the bathroom and waited a few minutes to make sure she ordered…”
I began laughing. “So when they called her name… you knew.”
“Yep! Problem solved!” Kane said. “She’s a really neat gal. I might hold on to this one for a while if she doesn’t move.”
“Where’s she moving?”
“Florida. She got accepted into a college down there and might be heading there in the fall.”
“That’s a bummer. Long distance?”
Kane shook his head. “Neither of us wants to do long distance.”
I nodded.
“It’s just not that serious of a thing between us,” Kane added. “How are you and Megan?”
“We’re alright… working through things… ya know?”
“Yeah. Oh hey. I started going to church in the Valley. Starting to attend regularly and get involved.”
“That’s good to hear, McCormick.”
“Yeah… lots of babes go there, you know, back-up plan if Ashley moves,” he replied smiling.
I shook my head and laughed.
After an uneventful shift outside of the prank, I headed out to my truck to drive home for a two-day break. I loved being a firefighter for many reasons, but one of the biggest ones was the schedule. Twenty four hours on followed by forty eight hours off. It was a dream, until now when all I wanted to do was be at home. That shift felt like molasses. Time dragged by, and
I worried about Megan almost the whole time. Micah’s words rang true about my lack of trust in her and I hated it.
Pulling back into the driveway at home, I was a bit surprised to see an unfamiliar car in the driveway. Who’s this? I wondered as I put my truck into park and got out. I slammed my truck door as I quickly made my way up to my front door. Why’s the front door locked? My heart started pounding as I glanced back at the car. I was freaking out. Fumbling with my keys to open the door, I dropped them onto the porch. When I bent down to pick them up the deadbolt shifted and the door opened.
“Hey there,” Megan said, shielding her eyes with the sleeve of her bathrobe. When my eyes fell onto hers, I knew my worry was nothing.
“Who’s car is that?” I asked coming inside.
“Cindy’s… she got it with some of the life insurance from my dad dying… She stayed over last night because it was my first night alone with you back at work. Why are you sweating, Cole?”
I wiped my forehead and shrugged. Then I shook my head. “I don’t know…”
Megan realized what I had accused her of the next moment as her eyebrows furrowed and her lip tightened. “Oh.”
Shaking my head, I approached her softly, “I’m sorry babe… I just saw the car outside I didn’t recognize and-”
She began crying into her palms. Shaking her head as she sniffled, she said, “You forgave me. You wanted this to work. But this can’t work if you’re going to think I am cheating on you every time you go to the station!”
“No, it’s not like that…” I said. I wrapped my arms around her in the attempts to comfort her. “This will work, we will work! Stuff happens… ya know? We’ll get through this. My trust in you has to build back up.”
Her tears and crying stopped as she pushed herself back from me. “You think your forty two text messages and phone calls this morning was helping you build trust back up?”
I turned red in embarrassment. “I’m sorry about that… I’m just trying the best that I can.”
“Trying is failing, Cole. You either trust me or you don’t. If you don’t, it’s time for you to go.” Her eyes shifted past me to the front door. “I can’t do this…” She sniffled as she wiped more tears from her eyes. “I know it hasn’t been very long, but I just need you to trust me at a very basic level or it’s not going to work. Especially with you working twenty four hour shifts…”
I panicked and offered something I knew she’d like. “I’ll quit and I can take that job with MyTech. I’ll have a normal job… normal hours… and we can start fresh in California.”
Megan came up to me and put her arms around me as she laid the side of her head against my chest and cried a little more.
“What did I say?” I asked.
“Nothing… I just don’t deserve all this love you are showing me… I feel so undeserving and inadequate.”
A verse immediately came to mind. It was one from what I had read earlier that morning during my Bible reading. It was from Ephesians chapter two, verses four and five.
But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.
I placed my hands on Megan’s shoulders and kissed her forehead as I said, “God showed us mercy and gave us salvation through his son Jesus. It’s only natural that the Holy Spirit within me is equipped to show you mercy and love.”
She smiled as her eyes looked up and met mine. “I love you so much, Cole… and I know you love being a firefighter more than anything. I could never let you give it up. The fire station needs you... and the guys… so many people depend on you there.”
“I don’t care about the fire station, the guys or anything else more than I care about you. You’re my world.” I held her cheeks in between my hands as I looked deep into her eyes and I felt my soul touch hers. “I love you.”
She smiled again before dipping her chin to her chest. “I don’t know, Cole…” She looked up at me and said, “I don’t want to run away from our problems, I already did that when I took off to Seattle. I want to stay in Spokane and make it work here, and with you doing what you love.”
“It’s going to be tough,” I said, brushing her hair behind her ear.
“It’ll be nearly impossible,” she replied.
“But nothing is impossible with God,” I said right before I kissed her lips. I pulled her in close to me and held her in my arms.
CHAPTER 19
I won’t lie. I was skeptical of the change in Megan after she arrived back home. I was helping with the boys around the house on my days off and spending time with my family instead of my friends. But something still felt off about our relationship. There was something missing. I wasn’t sure what it was. We were going to church three times a week and I had cut all the excess time out of my life with friends, but a couple rare occasions when I’d get together with them for golf or poker. Not because Megan asked me to, but because I felt my priorities had changed.
One afternoon a few months after Megan had came back, we found ourselves deep in a sticky and hot August heat wave. The kind of heat that hits you like a brick wall when you walk out into it and all your clothing instantly sticks to every part of your body. Megan was out with the boys at a friend’s house that had air conditioning while I was at home waiting for the repair guy to fix ours. Plopping onto the couch to relax after helping Megan into the car with the boys, I took a deep breath in as the box fan blew the warm air about the room. I spotted my Bible on the bookcase across the room. I hadn’t been reading as much as I was previously. I had fallen off track a little.
Flipping the Bible open as I stood there at the bookcase, I spotted out of the corner of my eye a notebook sticking out from underneath the bottom of the bookcase. That’s strange, I thought to myself as I bent down to investigate. I hadn’t ever seen the notebook before.
Pulling it out from underneath, I opened the notebook to find it was a journal of Megan’s. It was a detailed account of our relationship. Flipping to the beginning, I took my seat back on the couch to read, setting my Bible aside.
July 2, 1998
Today, I met the man I will marry. He’s a firefighter, and while he’s not Hank Hillman, he’s downright gorgeous! A smile like one I haven’t ever seen before and the kindest eyes I have ever looked into! His muscles bulge from the sleeves of his tee shirt and he was so sweet to me... But Daddy said I can’t date him, but the look Cole gave me today made me think it doesn’t matter what Daddy says. My heart wants Cole Taylor.
Xoxo
Megan
Smiling, I flipped through the dates and entries until I saw one marked during our time of separation. My heart about stopped as I flipped backwards to avoid reading it. Do I read them? I wondered. Do I need to? Should I? I have a right to know, I told myself. She is my wife and we were married during that time! I stared long and hard at the journal entry of when she packed up and left and debated on turning the page to see what really happened in Seattle. Just a little peek won’t be bad… Or would it? Glancing over at my Bible, I saw the little folded piece of paper sticking out from the edge of the papers. It reminded me of talking to Micah. Everything must be funneled through God, I thought to myself.
Suddenly the phone rang, breaking my concentration. It was Micah.
“Hey Brother, you and the family want to come to a barbecue this evening? About six?”
“Sounds great,” I replied. “What should we bring?”
“Just your smiles and your appetites!”
I grinned as I closed the journal. “Would you read a secret diary if you found one that your wife wrote?”
Silence came from the other end of the phone as I heard Micah move about on the other end. Hearing a door close on the other end of the phone, Micah asked, “What’d you find?”
Glancing over at the notebook, I said, “Some kind of journal I didn’t know about of Megan’s… it details everything about what happened in Seattle
… I just want to know what really happened and I have a feeling that journal will tell me what I want to know.”
“Don’t read it,” Micah insisted. I could hear his wife come inside the room he was hiding in. She beckoned him to come to the store with her. “We’ll talk later, Cole, just don’t read it.”
“Okay,” I replied with a nod as I kept my eyes glued to the mysterious journal.
After I hung up with Micah, I returned the notebook to the spot underneath the bookcase in which I had found it. Returning to the couch, I wiped the sweat from my brow and cracked my Bible open.
As I was unbuckling Justin from his car seat in the back of the truck, I could hear Micah’s screen door open and Denise call out to us. “Micah’s just around back, Cole. Megan, you can bring that macaroni salad right into the kitchen, babe.”
Megan had Bradley in one arm and the salad in the other as she walked up the sidewalk to meet Denise at the doorway. “Cole said we didn’t need to bring anything, but I wanted to anyway… hope that’s okay?”
“Of course it is,” Denise said, smiling as she held open the door for her and Bradley to come through.
“Og!” Justin shouted as I put him down on the gravel. Turning to see where he was pointing, I spotted Lucy, Micah’s golden retriever.
I nodded, “Yep, that’s a dog,” I said, latching my hand to his. We came around the side of the house and to the back where Micah was firing up the barbeque on the back porch a few paces away from a picnic table that sat under a big oak tree.
“Hey, Brother,” Micah said.
“How’s it going?” I replied as I released Justin’s hand to let him go play in the yard.
“Good.” Micah grabbed the scraper to clean the grill and glanced back at the closed sliding glass door off the porch. “You didn’t read the journal, did you?” he asked.
I shook my head. “No… but I sure wanted to.”