by T. K. Chapin
“Okay. Be there in an hour. I need to shower.”
I hung up the phone and headed for the bathroom.
When I arrived to the hospital an hour later, I saw her sitting on the white stone bench in the courtyard out front. After parking, I got out and put my shades on top of my head as I slammed the door.
“Kane…” she said softly with tears in her eyes as she rose to her feet. Her hands were clasped together and she had her doctor’s coat on.
“How dare you, Ems!” I shouted as I approached her through the grass.
“You don’t understand,” she pleaded as she rose a hand and held it out.
Scoffing, I shook my head. “You don’t get it. That girl doesn’t know anything about me and you just gave her my whole past.”
“Kane,” Emily said softly.
“No. I’m sick of you thinking you know everything! I was at Mom’s yesterday, she was fine. I took her up on the old trail up along the mountain. She loved it.”
“Kane.” She grabbed onto my arm and I swatted it away.
“You know what, Emily? This whole thing,” I said, pointing back to the hospital. “Has gotten up in your head and you think you’re God because you walk around with that white coat.”
She shook her head as she began crying.
“Go ahead, turn on the water works. I don’t care, Ems. You seriously need to get over yourself.”
“Mom’s dead,” she said bluntly, looking up at me with red, swollen eyes.
“What? No. I just saw her,” I retorted, relaxing my posture as confusion began to cloud my train of thought.
She came closer to me, touching my arm again. This time I didn’t swat it away. “I just saw her twenty minutes ago, Kane, before she passed. She was life flighted from Colville.”
My lips pursed together creating a thin line. Fighting back my tears I shook my head. “No… That’s not true. I’d know if Mom was dead.”
She erupted in tears again and clung onto me. Crying into my chest, she said, “I didn’t have time to call you… it all happened so quickly.”
Tears trickled down my cheeks as I wrapped my arms around my sister. “This was my fault…” I said, letting go of Emily.
She shook her head and said, “No, Kane. It was just her time to go.”
“But I took her hiking…”
“It wasn’t that.”
I turned and began walking away from Emily.
“Kane, where are you going?” she yelled as she stayed behind at the white bench in the courtyard.
“I don’t know…” I replied as I lowered my shades over my eyes. My chest felt as if it were collapsing into itself from the pain of never seeing my mother again.
Getting into my car, I didn’t even look the direction of Emily in the courtyard. I just turned the key over and peeled out of the hospital parking lot.
I drove to a nearby liquor store and then headed north towards Colville. Inside some sort of weird daze, I felt no meaning to my existence. My mother had died, my job was most likely gone and the one girl I had partially been interested in loathed me. All within a few hours of each other. When it rains, it pours, I thought to myself as I mulled over the events.
Twenty minutes outside of Colville, I began to lay my foot on the gas pedal. The speed made me feel fear as I topped over a hundred miles an hour, and it gave me a shot of adrenaline. Suddenly, my phone rang. It was Jensen. I didn’t care, I grabbed my phone and turned it off. Tossing the phone in the back seat, I reached over into the passenger seat of my car and grabbed the bottle of whiskey I picked up at the liquor store. I needed to fix this pain that was wedging itself into my existence. Whiskey was a quick solution to the problem. Coming up on my exit towards my mom’s house, I saw cop lights up ahead, which caused me to slow down. No way was I going to jail.
Arriving at my mother’s, I saw Roofus outside lying on the front porch. I parked my car and stumbled up to him. Looking down at Roofus, I tilted my head back and took a swig of the bottle in my hand. Setting the bottle of whiskey down on the porch, I laid down next to Roofus and began to pet him. “You missin’ Momma, aren’t ya?” I asked.
He said nothing in reply.
Sighing, I stood back up and picked up my bottle. Looking at the front door, I hated she wasn’t on the other side. No chocolate milk, no coffee, just an empty house full of memories. Opening the door, I let it swing freely open. All the smells of her remained, forcing memories to push against my mind and sorrows to fill my heart. The whiskey wasn’t doing a very good job at managing the pain. Looking back at Roofus out on the steps, I said, “Come on in.” Roofus and I went inside to the living room and I took a seat on the couch. I let out a long, drawn out sigh as I relaxed, and Roofus curled up on the floor near my feet.
Closing my eyes, I could feel my mom sitting in her chair just a few paces away from me. I smiled and then opened my eyes. The chair was empty and my smile fell away with the realization that only in my dreams would I be able to see her. She’s really gone, I thought to myself as I took another drink from the bottle.
Looking down at Roofus, I asked him, “Why don’t dogs cry?”
He didn’t respond.
“Hmmm… Not much for words, are ya, boy?” Standing up, I went back to the front door to leave and noticed Roofus tailing right behind me. I nodded to him and grabbed the leash that hung on the wall near the front door. Bending a knee, I said, “You don’t want to stay here alone here, do you?” I latched the leash to his collar and led him out the front door. Walking down the front steps of my mother’s house, I looked towards the mountain and thought of the walk we had just yesterday. It was the last thing I ever had done with her. Shaking my head, I continued on my way out to my car.
I leaned the driver’s seat forward and let Roofus into the back. I told him, “Don’t you dare ruin that leather back there.” Putting the driver’s seat back into position, I climbed in and shut the door.
Adjusting my mirror, I looked Roofus in the eyes. “You have to be my best friend now. And that means I’m going to trust you not to pee, poop or do anything else when you are in my car.”
He yawned and made a strange sound. Suddenly a whiff of dog smell filled my nose and I shook my head at the smell. Disgusting, I thought.
I put the car in reverse and left my mom’s house. Heading down the road, I saw the turn off for Tod Road and headed that way.
Stepping out of the car, I grabbed Roofus’ leash and got him out of the back. I glanced over to where the trail started. I began walking through the gravel towards the entrance. I paused at the tree with all four of our names engraved. I reached up to run my fingers over the grooves and thought back to that day we marked the tree.
Kyle was a teenager and overly excited by the pocket knife that our neighbor gave him for his birthday the day of our walk. He begged Mom the entire walk to be allowed to engrave one of the trees. She finally gave in, but it wasn’t until we came back down the trail and we were at the last tree. He was so excited she said yes, that he jumped up about a foot in the air and landed funny when he came back down, spraining his ankle. He had to limp over to the tree to do the carving.
Roofus jerked on the leash, breaking me out of my reverie. We continued on our way up the trail for a few minutes until Roofus felt the need to pull me off the path. “C’mon!” I shouted as I tried yanking him back onto the trail. When he began to squat, I realized he needed to do some business. Turning around so I didn’t face him, I said jokingly, “You could have done this before we left.”
A lady and her daughter walked past me on the trail as I was still waiting on Roofus.
“Hi,” said the little girl that couldn’t have been more than six years old.
I hid the bottle of whiskey behind my back and nodded. “Hi.”
The two looked at me strangely as they continued on the path. I laughed a little and looked over my shoulder to see Roofus trying to cover up his business with dirt. The ground wasn’t soft enough and the result was rathe
r ineffective. “Enough of that,” I said, pulling on the leash to lead him away and back to the trail.
As we walked, I looked up at the sunshine that was shining through the tops of the trees and wondered how God could do this to me and my sister. My mother was a devout Christian. She didn’t need to die.
Finding a place to stop and rest, I sat down on the log my mother sat on less than twenty-four hours ago. Shaking my head as I looked down at the grass and dirt between my feet, I began falling asleep. The heartache and turmoil inside of me was dulled to a small roar. The liquor had fulfilled its purpose. Suddenly, Roofus barked, startling me back awake.
I jumped up from my seat and looked around. There was nothing. Just Roofus, an empty forest, and me. As Roofus and I began to continue on the path, something further up the trail caught a ray of sunshine beaming down through the trees and reflected a bright light. Almost immediately I grinned as I thought God had sent me some sort of sign. I darted up the trail and climbed over logs and bushes to get to the mysterious item. Coming to the item, I bent down on both my knees. Roofus was right there by my side, sniffing and doing his own investigation. I sighed with disappointment as the item was merely a wrapper. I grabbed it and shoved it into my pocket as I stood up. “People shouldn’t litter,” I said to Roofus on the way back to the trail. “I hope you're not a litterer. You know, besides the fertilizer you left back there.”
Making our way further up the mountain, I found a garbage can and threw the wrapper away. Taking the last swig of my whiskey, I tossed the bottle into the trash can and said, “Hate to see a good thing end. But I guess all good things end. Right, Mom?” I looked up to the tops of the trees.
Roofus and I arrived at the summit as the sun was setting. Taking a load off on an old hand carved bench, I unlatched Roofus’ leash to let him run around. As Roofus ran around in circles chasing his tail, I looked off into the sunset and admired the beauty that was quickly fading on the horizon. What’s the point of all this? I wondered as I watched Roofus.
Suddenly Roofus fell off an incline and out of sight. “Roofus!” I shouted, leaping out of my seat and scrambling to the edge. Looking over, I saw he had fallen into a ravine. It was steep, but I wasn’t going to leave him there. “Hold on, buddy!” I shouted down at him. I stepped forward and began trying to make my way down the incline. Then suddenly, my foot hit something, I went tumbling down, and everything went black.
CHAPTER 9
Blinking my eyes open, they adjusted to the bright light from above the trees. My whole body hurt as I tried to move.
“Hey,” Cole said, towering over me and blocking the sunshine.
I moved a hand up and shielded my eyes to get a better look at him. “Cole? What are you doing out here?” I asked as I sat up and leaned against a log.
“I came looking for you after I talked to Emily. I was worried. And I had good reason! I found you lying in this ravine last night. I would have woken you, but you looked peaceful.”
I scoffed. “Had about a fifth of whiskey, that’s why I looked peaceful.” I moved the blue blanket that Cole must have laid over me and looked around.
Cole shook his head as he sat down beside me. “For the record, I did try waking you up later into the night, but you wouldn’t budge.” Roofus walked over to Cole just then, and Cole patted his head. “Alcohol isn’t the solution for the pain you have inside of you right now, Kane.”
I laughed as I tried moving. “My body is killing me, and I’m pretty sure a drink would ease that pain.” I glanced over at the incline that I had tumbled down. “Dang… at least I can move. There’s some pretty nasty looking rocks there I could have hit.”
Cole looked up at the incline and nodded. “Yep. And you’re lucky I found the dog leash sitting on the bench up there… I would have never looked over that ledge for you.”
“It’s a miracle,” I said with a wry smile, looking over at Cole. I spotted a bandaid on the corner of his eyebrow and I recalled the altercation back at the firehouse. “Why’d you even come? After what happened at the station?”
Cole smiled at me. “You can call me names, hate me, or even punch me, but that won’t change the bond we have. We’re brothers for life.” He reached over, grabbed a backpack, and pulled out a water bottle. Handing it to me, he said, “Don’t get me wrong. I don’t like being punched… but I knew you were struggling, and I wanted to come find you regardless.”
I took a drink and wiped my mouth. “Thanks. How’d Emily even know where I was?” I asked.
“She said you came up here when Kyle passed. I guess you have a history of kinda going off the grid when these kind of things happen.”
I laughed. “I kind of do… I just like to be alone with my thoughts. Try to figure it all out.”
“Or avoid it,” Cole replied. “Don’t you dare try to punch me again,” he said, holding up a hand to block me. We both laughed. “But honestly, drinking and running away from everything isn’t really dealing with it, man. I mean that in the nicest way possible.”
I nodded. “I know.”
“Why not choose God? You do believe in Him,” Cole said. “I’m not trying to offend you…” Cole paused and shook his head. “You know what? I am offending you, and I don’t care, man. You gotta buck up and pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Drinking and driving, Kane? Seriously? What needs to happen for you to wake up to God’s truth?”
“Tell me how you really feel…” I replied, laughing slightly.
“Sorry. It’s just confusing…” Cole said.
“It’s alright.” I knew Cole was concerned about me. He was here for me when nobody else had shown up. “Whiskey is something I can see. Something I can taste. Whiskey therapy can kick in pretty quick. A matter of minutes… ya know? It’s just quick.”
Cole nodded. “God’s work does take more of a time investment, but it's everlasting.”
“Yeah…” I replied.
Cole put his hand on my shoulder and shook it lightly. “God loves you, Kane. And you do believe in Jesus.”
“I do,” I replied.
“You will see your mom again. In Heaven. You don’t have to grieve like this world does. You grieve with hope. And really… a bottle isn’t going to fix anything. It’s not therapy. It’s avoidance. Instead of that, you gotta dig deep into God and find that joy that only He can bring you.”
“It’s just easier to go for the bottle…”
“Yeah. But we both know easy doesn’t translate into good. Especially when it comes to the heart,” Cole replied.
My sister came to my mind just then. I knew our mother’s passing would be traumatic and that she needed hope. “You know what?” I asked.
“What?”
“Drinking isn’t ever going to help my sister believe in God. And I want her to believe…”
“That’s true…” Cole replied. “If you want her to end up at the foot of the cross, you gotta show her a reason why. Sure, you can talk about Heaven, but so can the unsaved people of this world. We have to be different. We have to be set apart from the world, Kane. And show that.”
“I know…” I replied softly with my head lowered.
“Don’t be discouraged. Just repent and turn away from this life. Instead of trying to have one foot in the world and one foot in God, just go all-in with Him.”
“I agree. I need to go all in. I don’t feel any happier by drinking… but something like this talk… it energizes me.”
“That’s the power of God. He won’t stop you from being sad, but He can give you hope. And He can give you joy.”
“Thank you, Cole.”
“You’re welcome,” he replied.
I took another drink of my water and rubbed behind Roofus’ ears. “We should get out of here, I said."
“Alright,” Cole replied. Standing up, he asked, “Can you walk?” he asked.
I glanced down at my legs and saw one leg was bloodied and pretty banged up. “I didn’t notice that… uh, I don’t know.” I set the wat
er bottle down and began to pull myself up onto the log. Putting pressure on the messed up leg caused spikes of pain to shoot up through my ankle. “Ahh!” I shouted.
“Yeah… I don’t know about that,” Cole replied, looking down at my leg.
“I don’t know either…” I replied. Cole came closer to me, and I wrapped an arm around his neck for support. He helped me up out of the ravine and back down the trail to my car.
“Luckily, it’s the left foot,” I said as I opened my door and let Roofus jump in the back. “I’ll still be able to drive.”
Cole nodded. “That’s good. What’s your plan?”
“I’m going to go back to my mom’s house to take care of this wound and relax.”
“Stay off the bottle,” Cole said, worried.
I smiled. “I will.”
“Alright. I’m going to head back to Spokane. Let me know if you need anything.”
“Oh, hey,” I said.
Cole stopped and looked over at me from his truck. “Yeah?”
“So I guess Jensen canned me?”
Cole shook his head. “Nah… I got everyone to agree nothing ever happened, and you left because of your mom.”
“Really?” Remembering the phone call from the Chief, I asked, “But Jensen called last night.”
“Probably to offer condolences. I’d call him back.”
“Ahh, that makes sense. I will give him a buzz. Thanks for everything, Cole.”
“No problem.” He smiled. “Take it easy, McCormick.”
Getting into my car, I was overwhelmed with thankfulness. Cole was not only my comrade and captain down at fire station 9, he was my best friend. Watching in my rearview mirror as Cole pulled out onto Tod Road, I thanked God for him being in my life.
After I arrived back at my mother’s house, I managed to get myself showered and my leg wounds cleaned up. They were all surface wounds. Luckily my ankle didn’t seem to be broken, just sprained, and Roofus seemed to be fine too. As I limped out of the bathroom and into the living room, I saw my mother’s Bible sitting on the coffee table. Thinking about what Cole said, I knew I needed to turn more to God.