Dave shot up another quick prayer, but no answer came.
He glanced at Diane, who offered a smile. Joleen scowled at him and shook her head. Should he show Leanne compassion?
“I’m not sure. But I think Joey could make room in his heart for her if . . . ” He hesitated. “If someone could ease him into it.”
“If someone could help ease him into it? What do you mean by that?”
“Well, he’s a very sensitive child and doesn’t handle stress or change very well. He gets physically ill. He needs someone with him to facilitate.”
The gleam in Mr. Hixon’s eyes brightened. “Someone like you, Mr. Passel?”
Dave cringed. “Yes.”
Glancing over at Leanne, he noted her shocked expression. Mr. Hixon noticed as well.
“Could I have a moment with my client, Your Honor?”
“You may.”
“Thank you, Your Honor.” Mr. Hixon moved over to Leanne’s chair, bent down, and whispered something in her ear.
She shook her head and growled, “No.”
Mr. Hixon sat down next to his client, and she turned her back to Dave while they spoke so he could no longer see her expression. However, he heard the growl in her voice.
She finally muttered, “I’ll agree. But I don’t like it. I don’t trust him.”
“Very well, then.” Mr. Hixon stood and faced the judge. “I’m ready Your Honor.”
“You may proceed, Mr. Hixon.”
“Thank you, Your Honor.”
Leanne’s attorney paced before the witness stand, and then stopped. Dave’s heart clenched. Leanne didn’t seem to like whatever she had agreed to. He could only imagine the terms as he looked over at Joleen, who pursed her lips in disapproval. When he glanced at Diane, she smiled and nodded at him.
His heart swelled. At least Diane had liked his answer.
Mr. Hixon coughed and smoothed down the few loose hairs on top of his nearly bald head. “Mr. Passel, I think we can end this dispute today.” He stared intently at Dave. “Would you be willing to accompany Joey to all future visits with his birth mother?”
Dave stiffened and glanced over at Diane, who offered a slight nod. Joleen shook her head no.
“I’m sorry. Could you repeat that?”
He had to trust someone. Since God gave him no clear direction, he followed Diane’s advice.
“Um, yes, I would.” He nodded. “Be willing to go with Joey, that is.”
Mr. Hixon faced the judge. “Your Honor, my client is willing to allow Little J to continue to reside with Mr. Passel as long as he accompanies the child on visits and facilitates them to make things easier for the child.”
The judge addressed Diane. “Is this acceptable, Ms. Simmons?”
“Yes, Your Honor. But I do have one request. As long as Joey lives with Mr. Passel, I request that the court insist the child only be called Joey, since that’s what he’s used to. And drop the name Jack . . . for now, anyway.”
“That sounds like a reasonable request. Is the mother’s counsel in agreement?”
“We are, Your Honor.”
“What about the State? Are you in agreement with the foster-adoptive father accompanying the child to visits with the birth mother?”
The caseworker’s supervisor and State’s attorney consulted. “We are in agreement, Your Honor.”
“And the child’s attorney? Ms. Proctor, what say you?”
Joleen sighed and gave a reluctant nod. “Yes.”
“Well, then. I’m glad we were able to finally agree. From this day forward I order that visits take place with the birth mother and child in a public place, such as a park or restaurant. I order the foster father to attend all visits with the child’s attorney present. After two months of consecutive weekly visits, this court shall reconvene and discuss this matter further. In the meantime, the mother will submit to urinalysis testing three days every week, to be randomly selected by the State agency.”
He hit his gavel on the bench. “Court dismissed.”
Everyone stood as the judge exited the room. Leanne gasped, “Three days a week? How can he do that? You never told me that was part of the deal.”
Mr. Hixon laid his hand on Leanne’s back and guided her to the door. “This is really not the place to discuss this.”
The door shut behind them. Dave turned to where Joleen had been sitting and noticed she had slipped out the side door. Dave approached Mrs. Vela’s supervisor.
The man extended his hand. “My name is Ron Smith.”
“It’s nice to meet you.”
Mr. Smith nodded.
“Is there any chance of filing another request for termination of Leanne’s parental rights?”
“Not at this time. No.”
Dave’s throat tightened. “So I could still lose Joey?”
“That’s correct. We’ll have to wait and see how she does for the next two months.”
Dave’s shoulders sagged. The war was not even close to being over.
“I apologize for not listening to your concerns before, Mr. Passel,” Mr. Smith said. “As it turns out, Mrs. Vela did have personal reasons for wanting to remove Joey from your home. She won’t be working on the case anymore. You have nothing more to be concerned with there.”
Dave offered his hand. “Thanks for your help.”
“It was my pleasure, Mr. Passel.” He shook Dave’s hand firmly. “At CPS, our goal is to do what’s best for the child, contrary to what the media might have you believe. We don’t always have perfect judgment or employees who follow all the rules, but then again, what company does?”
After he left, Diane came over to Dave. They were the only people left in the courtroom. She leaned toward him. A faint trace of her perfume teased his nostrils. How he wished she wouldn’t get so close. Not when he couldn’t love her the way he wanted to.
“I’m proud of you, Dave. You did the right thing. I think you’re finally trusting God and not trying to win this by yourself.”
Dave inclined his head toward her. “Thanks for your encouragement. I really needed it. I don’t know what’s come over me lately. I haven’t been myself.”
“No matter. What counts is how you’re dealing with today. And I’d say you’re doing a wonderful job.” Her eyes sparkled as she gazed at him, her full lips beckoning
He wanted to kiss her, but refrained. “I’m sorry for hurting you. There isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do to make things work out between us.”
Her eyes teared up. “Don’t ask. You don’t know how much it hurts . . . how what you’re saying tempts me to change my mind.” She pulled away and ran her fingers through her hair.
“Then listen to your heart.”
“No.”
Dave wanted to touch her face, but held back. “Oh, honey,” he whispered. “Why can’t you trust me? I won’t hurt you, I promise.”
She shook her head, “I can’t.”
“But you don’t even know what I’m going to say. I love—”
She jumped up and hurried to the door. “I can’t talk about this anymore. I’m sorry.” Holding her hand over her mouth, she glanced back.
He took a step toward her. “But—”
“We’ll talk later. Please don’t call me. Let me call you.”
And with that, she left. But it felt more as if she’d stepped completely out of his life.
His heart squeezed and a chill raced up his spine. He knew deep down that she wanted him. If only she’d let him hold her one more time. If he could just kiss her and tell her how much he loved her, maybe she’d let her guard down and allow herself to love him too.
Remembering the heat of her kisses, his flesh warmed. But a moment later a strange coldness settled in his chest, chilling him to the core.
Was this what a relationship with her would be like? Him longing for her love, pursuing her, and Diane never quite trusting him. Never letting go of her fear, or worse, pushing him away as Merilee had.
If she couldn’t comm
it her heart to him, what would keep her from wanting to eventually leave him or threatening to divorce him, just as Merilee had?
Did he dare risk finding out? His heart grieved over the decision.
Oh, Diane. I love you so much. I wish you would love me too.
Chapter 21
Dave met up with his friend Scott, who worked at the hospital, and they zipped across the street for a quick game of racquetball at the gym. His goal this afternoon was to burn off his frustration over his dilemma with Diane. Afterward he planned to stop and see if Mrs. Vela was still in the hospital so he could apologize for giving her such a hard time.
On the way to the gym he realized he had forgotten to pack his cologne, so after a hearty workout and a hot shower, he borrowed some from Scott. Then he headed over to the side entrance of the hospital.
The sun cast a dusky glow around him, making it a bit difficult to see. He squinted at a woman kneeling in the grassy area near the side entrance. She reminded him of Diane, and he wondered what she’d be doing at the hospital. But before he called out her name, he wanted to make sure he had the right person.
The woman squatted, apparently looking for something in the grassy area over by the bench in the courtyard. The closer he got to her, the more certain he was that it was Diane.
My word, but she looked gorgeous. Her blonde hair hung over the side of her face as she hunched over, then partially straightened. A surge of attraction shot through him. If only she’d let him into her heart. If he could hold her just one more time. Then if she still insisted that he leave her alone, he’d give her the space she needed.
He smiled when he thought about spending time with her again. And kissing her. Maybe she’d agree to have coffee with him. It couldn’t hurt to ask.
When she stood up straight, he heard her mutter, “Stupid earring.”
Standing several feet behind her, he murmured, “Hey, gorgeous.”
Without warning she turned quickly and kneed him in the groin. “Get away from me!”
Dave reeled backwards, searing heat shooting through his middle. He buckled onto one knee, groaning deeply, gasping for breath. The excruciating pain in his body yanked all reason from his brain.
“Dave?” She slapped her hand over her mouth. “I’m so sorry. I thought you were my father. You smelled just like him.”
Dave lifted his head and raised his arm to keep her back. “It’s okay,” he gasped, straightening with an effort. “I shouldn’t have come up behind you without saying something.”
“Please don’t sneak up on me! Don’t ever do that again!”
“Don’t worry,” he groaned. “I won’t. I promise.”
He glanced around and saw that they were alone. Thank goodness nobody had witnessed their altercation or they might have called the police, thinking he was a rapist. That would’ve been embarrassing.
She was trembling and looking a bit shell shocked. Still aching, he hesitated to get anywhere near her.
“What did you mean about thinking I was your father? I thought he was dead.”
“He is.”
“I don’t get it. Why’d you freak out on me? I know I surprised you, but come on.”
She shook her head. “I smelled your cologne. That’s what set me off, not your voice. You’ve never smelled like him.”
“I borrowed Scott’s cologne after our workout. I still don’t get it, Di.”
She exhaled with a loud sigh. “You want to know? Okay, I’ll tell you. I . . . ” Tears poured from her eyes, but no sound came out.
Suddenly Dave’s stomach roiled at the implication of what she said. Lord, it can’t be true. Not Diane. She’s too wonderful. Please let me be wrong.
“Are you sure you want to know the sick truth?”
His stomach cramped over what he suspected she was going to say, but he nodded.
“I thought you were my father because you smelled like him.” She shuddered. “My father molested me, Dave. Okay? Now you know why I can’t be with you.”
His eyes burned as he reached for her. “I’m so sorry, I—”
Stepping away from him, she cried softly, “See why I can’t love you? I can’t handle it. I started remembering things from my past right before we met.”
“I want to help you.”
“Please, just leave me alone.” She turned and ran.
He let her go, staring after her as she tore across the parking lot. His heart hurt so much he could barely breathe.
I love you, Diane. Please let me love you.
As she drove off, the rays of the early evening sunset flashed off her car windows and blinded him. Shading his eyes with his hand to block the glare, he watched her car grow smaller until it disappeared around the corner.
Lord, how can I help her? Gradually he calmed, and peace invaded his soul. Okay, Lord. I know you have a plan, and I’ll trust you. But could you work a bit faster?
* * *
“Diane, this is Dave. If you’re home, could you please pick up the phone? Please? Okay, well I guess you aren’t home. Can you call me when you get this message, then? I know it’s early, but we need to talk. Maybe you’re in the shower and you can’t hear me . . . ”
Diane rolled onto her back, preferring to stare at the ceiling rather than get out of bed. Her arms folded behind her head, she listened to Dave’s husky voice. The smooth sound of her name as it rolled off his tongue warmed her heart. She rolled over and buried the side of her face in her comforter.
“Okay, maybe you’re not in the shower. Di, I need you to do me a favor, and I’ll even pay you extra for your time. I’m begging you, please come with me to the first visit Joey has with Leanne at McDonald’s. I don’t want to be there alone tonight with Joleen and Joey’s birth mom at the first meeting. I need all the support I can get, at least for now. If you can’t do it for me, will you do it for Joey? Call me and let me know if you can make it. We’re supposed to meet at six. Oh, and Joey misses you a lot. I’m still praying for you. I hope you feel it. Bye.”
She stared across the room at the machine and watched the flashing red light while she mulled over all of the reasons she should decline to help him. The court had ordered Joleen to be there. Diane’s attendance was optional. She wasn’t even on the case anymore unless it was necessary.
Joey’s innocent, cherubic face appeared in her mind’s eye. “Mommy,” he’d sighed as he laid his head on her shoulder. She remembered the other time when he felt her hair with his chubby little hands. “So sof’.”
She couldn’t let Joey down. He needed her to watch out for him.
In one swift motion, she ripped the blankets off her bed and sped to the bathroom. Right after stepping into the shower, she heard the phone ring again. Whoever was calling would just have to leave a message or call back later. She couldn’t afford to be late for work. Her secretary had scheduled Diane for an important meeting this morning with a new client. They’d be very unhappy if she left them waiting.
* * *
Today Joey hadn’t cried and begged to see Diane. Dave hoped and prayed things would stay that way. At first Joey had harped on him so much that he’d snapped at him, something he rarely did.
When Joey had looked at him yesterday with rounded eyes, his lower lip trembling, and tears rolling down his cheeks, Dave knew he had to do something about the mounting stress in his life.
“I’m sorry for yelling. I’m just frustrated because you keep asking me to talk to Diane, and I can’t get hold of her. I promise you’ll see her just as soon as I can get her to call us back. Please don’t ask me again.”
“But Daddy, want Mommy pway with me. Want Mommy . . . ”He started crying again and shoved his thumb in his mouth, rubbing the tip of his nose.
Dave scooped his son into his arms. “It’s okay, Joey. I want her too. You can’t always get what you want, buddy. Even if you try real hard. Sometimes it’s not meant to be.”
His son ripped his thumb out of his mouth with a pop. With a serious expression he
stared into Dave’s eyes. “Me want to be.”
Dave sighed, patted Joey on the back, and held him close. “I know, son. I know.” He grabbed Joey’s diaper bag and slung it over his shoulder, then adjusted Joey on his hip.
“Ready to go to the park, and then to McDonald’s for dinner?”
“Oooh, yay, park! Mickie Dee’s!”
Before pulling his car out of his garage, Dave popped in a CD. Electric guitars blared and Joey bounced in his car seat to the rhythm of the beat.
Dave mouthed the lyrics while he pulled out of the garage, then paused and played the song again, thinking of Diane. The lyrics he sang day after day revealed something to his heart he hadn’t realized before.
She pushed him away because of her inability to trust men.
Well, she wasn’t going to get rid of him that easily. He wouldn’t let her rejection bring him down. He wouldn’t quit pursuing her until she knew that he loved her. If she ran away from him again, he’d go after her. Then if she rejected him, well, that would be her choice. But at least he would have been true to himself and would know that he’d done everything in his power to win her heart.
* * *
Diane laughed. “I’m okay, Rachel, really. No need to worry about me. I plan to see Dr. Rhiner again tomorrow. And, boy, do we have a lot to talk about after that incident with Dave at the hospital. I hope I didn’t bruise him. I feel so bad.”
“Dave told Scott he saw Joey’s caseworker. Said they had a nice chat.”
“Really? He saw her?”
“Yeah. He told Scott he apologized to her, and it wasn’t nearly as hard as he thought it would be.”
A lump formed in her throat. “So he forgave her, huh?”
“Yeah. Scott said he thinks Dave is glad he did it for his peace of mind. I agree with him. Nothing feels better than forgiving someone who doesn’t deserve it.”
“Wow, I can’t believe he did that.”
“Why is that hard to imagine?”
“Because he really hated her. Or, at least, it seemed like he did.”
Letting Go (Healing Hearts) Page 22