"He thinks I'm a great dad." Alex sighed. "I really snowed him, didn't I?"
He was so hard on himself, so afraid to admit he might actually like being a father, not to mention the fact that he might even be good at it if he gave it a try.
"You didn't snow anyone, Alex, except maybe yourself. Jessie told me what happened at the Coliseum. You were pretty cool."
"I didn't have much choice."
"Sure you did. You made the right choice, and I'm glad to hear Elijah did the same. Congratulations."
"Thanks. It -- it's nice to share it with someone, someone whose paycheck doesn't depend on being nice to me."
"Hey, I'm just hoping for a good dinner."
Alex laughed. "I'll see you at six, Faith."
"See ya."
Faith hung up the phone with a smile. It faded at the sight of Nancy standing in the doorway, looking extremely put out.
"I don't understand. You're going out with another man when you're engaged to Ben? What's going on, Faith?"
Oh, dear. This was getting more complicated by the moment. Faith wanted to tell Nancy the truth, but she'd promised Ben.
"It's not what you think," she said. "I'm helping Alex's grandfather locate his long-lost love. That's it."
"I don't understand you, Faith. Why are you spending so much time with these people?"
"Because they need my help." Faith knew her excuse was weak. But what else could she say?
"Maybe Ben would like to help, too. Why don't you call him and see?"
It was a dare, plain and simple.
"Ben is busy tonight," Faith said, hoping it wasn't a total lie. Ben better be busy -- busy thinking up a way to get them both out of this mess without hurting Nancy or Chuck or Kim any more than they had to. "And speaking of busy, we should get back to work."
"If you're smart, you'll call Mr. Carrigan back and say no," Nancy said on her way out the door. "Those Carrigans are nothing but trouble."
* * *
Alex Carrigan was not only trouble, he was also late. Faith paced restlessly around her living room, knowing she should not be this impatient to see the man. He was all wrong for her. Yet in many ways he seemed so right. He was charming, handsome, sexy. But that was just the surface, the guy everyone saw. She had had glimpses of another man, one with a core of kindness and compassion, one who'd obviously fought his own demons of loneliness, and one who needed family as much as she did -- even though he wouldn't admit it. Or maybe she just wouldn't accept that anyone could turn their back on love that was there for the taking.
Faith pulled her necklace out of the collar of her soft knit sweater. The St. Christopher's medal calmed her the way it always did, but it also reminded her that she had played it safe for a very long time. She hadn't taken many chances in the past two years. Instead, she'd stayed wrapped in the warm cocoon of Porter love, protected, sheltered, in hiding from the outside world.
It had taken Alex Carrigan and his grandfather and Jessie to shake her up, to make her realize she'd fallen into a rut. She could see now that it would have been a terrible mistake to marry Ben -- and to think she'd actually considered that option. Thankfully, she'd realized in time that she didn't want to settle for pleasant and caring. She wanted love and passion. She wanted to feel the butterflies in her stomach, the shivers of anticipation. She wanted to have it all, not just a friendship, but the sensual pleasures of love between a man and a woman.
Faith walked over to the mantel and picked up the photograph of Gary. She'd taken the shot on a sailing trip, and she smiled as she realized how happy and carefree Gary looked with the wind sweeping through his hair. The photograph was only three years old, but it seemed a lifetime ago. She would have been happy with Gary. But it wasn't meant to be. So she'd gone on alone. The story of her life.
Marrying Ben would have meant the end to being alone. But she would have still been missing something, something important, love -- deep, soul-searching, body-aching, heartbreaking love. That was what she wanted.
She knew she wouldn't find that love if she stayed tucked away in her cocoon. She had to let the Porters go the same way she'd let Gary go. It was time to leave the nest, to try to fly on her own.
"You can't steal second with your foot still on first," one of her foster dads used to say. And he was right. It was time she took her foot off the base. It was time she took a risk.
The doorbell rang, and she jumped. So much for being ready. Faith wasn't sure she could open the door, much less give in to her other desires. The doorbell rang again. Patience was not Alex's middle name.
She moved to the door and opened it. "Hello, Alex."
"Hello, Faith." He smiled at her, that slow, dangerously sexy smile that lit up his eyes and face and made her heart melt. How did he do it? One look and she could barely remember her own name.
"Come in," she murmured. "Unless you think we should get going?"
"Not yet. I want to talk to you alone." He stepped into her apartment and looked around with a curious smile. "Nice."
"Thank you. I just got home, so it's kind of messy."
"Everyone always says that."
"I bet you don't. It would take an earthquake to mess up your apartment, not that you have much to fall or break."
He made a face. "Are you implying my apartment is empty?"
"Sterile would be a better word. You could perform surgery in your living room."
"And what would we do here in your apartment -- hold a flea market perhaps?"
Faith couldn't help but grin. She was a pack rat and proud of it. "At least my place looks lived in."
"No kidding." Alex paused by the mantel to pick up a wood carving of a ship. "Where did you get this?"
"Africa."
"Really? Were you on safari?"
"No, my -- a friend brought it back." Her smile faded away as she remembered the pride in Gary's eyes when he'd shown it to her. He'd always loved ships, and this one was special. He hadn't really given it to her. He'd simply left it at her apartment. A few weeks later, he was dead, and she became the owner of one of his dreams.
"Your fiancé?" Alex questioned gently, his gaze probing hers with quiet speculation.
"Yes. Gary loved to sail. His big dream was to buy a sailboat, but he never did."
"Too bad."
"Do you think we should go?"
"In a minute." Alex moved on to the photographs, and Faith tensed. He didn't look at them casually the way most people had, the way Gary had, the way Ben had. "Who are all these people, Faith?"
"Friends," she lied.
"You sure have a lot of friends." He picked up a photo and studied it carefully, then set it down. He knew; she could see it in his eyes.
"Okay, that picture came with the frame," she confessed. "A lot of them did. I just like the way they look. And, I don't have many of my own to put up."
"Except this one. Gary?" He tipped his head toward the photo she'd so recently studied.
"Yes."
"Good-looking guy."
"Alex, what did you want to talk about?"
He shrugged and moved over to the credenza where she had a display of miniature teacups. Then his gaze moved to the round lamp tables, the potpourri holders, the set of ceramic owls, the ancient radio, and the dried flower arrangements decorating the walls. He didn't miss a thing.
"You sure have a lot of stuff, Faith."
"Do you mean junk?"
"I wasn't criticizing."
"Weren't you?" She crossed her arms in front of her waist. She didn't care what he thought. This was her home, her haven, her nest. Maybe she wasn't quite ready to leave it after all.
"I like it," Alex said. "It's you. This room is filled with color, emotion, and life, all the things you wanted to have growing up, I'll bet."
It was a lucky guess. He couldn't be that perceptive. "I didn't have much as a child. I was always moving and usually had to share a bedroom with someone. My foster moms used to tell me that I couldn't take things with me, beca
use they'd need it for the next kid. When I finally grew up, I vowed that someday I would have a home filled to the brim with everything." Faith paused, a bit unsettled by his intense gaze. He was far too interested in her for a man who just wanted a one-night stand. So what did he want? And why? "Would you like a drink?" she asked, instead of the questions she really wanted to pursue.
"It's not a sin to be an orphan, you know."
"It's not a blessing either."
Alex walked over and took her hand. He pulled her to the couch and sat down next to her. "What happened to your parents, Faith?"
Faith stared at him for a long moment. "Are you sure you want to know that much about me?"
"I find myself wanting to know everything about you."
"And that surprises you?"
"Scares the hell out of me."
She let out a breath. "Me, too."
"So tell me about yourself."
"It's a pretty short story. When I was six days old, I was left on a church pew, wrapped in a blanket, with a St. Christopher's medal around my neck. A nun found me. She's the one who gave me my name. The police tried to locate my parents, but no one ever stepped forward, and I became a ward of the state."
"I'm sorry."
"It wasn't so bad. You can't miss what you've never had, right?" She leaned back against the couch. "Actually, that's not true. I did miss it, or at least what I imagined family life would be, the world I saw on television." She smiled. "I used to sit in my bedroom or wherever I could find a quiet spot, and I'd write down names on pieces of paper of all my imaginary brothers and sisters. I always made up big families, with parents who spent all their time playing with their kids. It's silly. I know that now. And believe it or not, I try not to wallow in self-pity, at least most of the time."
She offered him a wary smile, not sure how he was taking her confession, since his gaze remained so guarded. After a moment, Alex reached out and took the St. Christopher's medal in his hand. "So this is all you have?"
"No. I have all this." She waved her hand around her crowded apartment.
"Now I understand the decorating scheme."
And she had a feeling he really did understand. "Sorry you asked?"
He shook his head, a small smile playing at the corner of his lips. "No."
"Really?"
"I wasn't an orphan, Faith, but I spent a lot of time alone, especially after my parents divorced. I used to wish for a brother."
"You? The man who wants no family?"
"I didn't always feel that way. I grew up on sitcom television, too, you know. It reminded me of what I didn't have."
"Because your parents divorced."
"Because they didn't give a damn about me."
"I'm sorry, Alex."
"Like you said, it wasn't so bad. I wasn't abused, just ignored. Hardly a crime by anyone's standards."
"Except a small boy wanting a loving family."
"The only real loving families are the sitcom families. They're good for a half hour. If they had to go any longer, they'd end up like the rest of us."
"The Porters are a pretty wonderful family, supportive of each other, caring, loving."
Alex stared at her for a long moment, and she suddenly wished she hadn't brought up the Porters, because she knew what the next question would be.
"So, any update on the engagement?"
"It's over," she confessed, not sure it wouldn't have been better to lie when she saw the pleased look in his eyes.
"That's the best news I've heard all day."
"Is it?" She turned sideways on the couch, wanting him to see that she was serious in what she was about to tell him. "I believe in marriage, Alex. I want a husband, babies, grandchildren. It's all I've ever wanted."
"You're a little young for grandchildren."
"You know what I mean."
"I do," Alex agreed. He played with her fingers, studying the empty spot on her left third finger. "You want a ring."
"I want a commitment."
His eyes met hers. "Then why didn't you say yes?"
She took a deep breath, feeling like she was about to step out on the high wire. But for better or worse, she was ready to make that move. "He wasn't the right man."
"Don't say it," Alex warned, reading so easily between the lines.
"He doesn't make me feel the way you do. It's the truth. Why should I lie?"
"I want to be honest with you, Faith. The husband, kids, grandkids routine isn't for me."
"I know."
"I shouldn't have come here tonight."
"Probably not. Why did you?"
He gave a rueful shake of his head. "Because I couldn't stop thinking about you, about the way you felt in my arms." His voice grew thicker. "I wanted to know if it was as good as I remembered."
"It couldn't have been that good," she said with a sigh.
"Shall we find out?"
It would have been safer to say no. But she was tired of playing it safe.
When he leaned forward, she met him halfway, as eager as he was to know the truth. Was he as good as she remembered?
His mouth pressed against hers, gently at first, then more forcefully as the warmth between them exploded into a hot, hot fire. She moved her mouth under his, restlessly, impatiently, wanting him to open up, so she could slide her tongue inside, so she could really taste him.
Finally he complied with a groan, and she found herself taking the initiative, cupping his face with her hands, holding him to her as if he were a lifeline and she were drowning. And she was drowning, hopelessly, madly, foolishly...
He broke the kiss, his breathing ragged, his blue eyes glittering with passion, with need. "Damn, Faith. You sure as hell can kiss." He tangled her hair in his fingers as he placed his mouth against hers once more, sliding his tongue along her lips, teasing, tantalizing.
"It's not enough," she murmured, pulling back slightly.
"What do you want from me?"
"Everything." It was the truth, the simple basic truth. She didn't just want his kiss; she wanted his touch, his taste, his body, his soul. She'd never wanted so much from a man and never dared to ask for it.
"I can't. You know I can't."
"You won't."
"It's the same thing."
"It's not. You have a choice."
Alex stared at her. "Did you break up with your boyfriend because of me?"
Faith shook her head, wanting there to be no misunderstanding. "I broke up with him because of me, because I couldn't love him the way I should, the way I could love--"
"Don't say it, Faith. You'll regret it."
"Will I? Or will you?"
"I can't change who I am. I can't be who you want me to be." His gaze met hers with brutal honesty. "I would very much like to make love to you right now, but I won't marry you, and I won't pretend otherwise."
His words cut deeply, reminding her that she wasn't good enough to be loved, to be wanted, to be married. Alex suddenly seemed like all the people in her life who'd looked at her and said, She's pretty, but we can't keep her forever, you know. She's not right for us.
Faith pulled away from him and jumped to her feet.
Alex followed suit. "I didn't mean to hurt you." He reached for her, but she stepped away.
"You didn't hurt me. You told me the truth. I appreciate that."
"It's not because of you. It's me. We both know it's me."
Faith smiled, her heart filled with sadness and the self-pity she'd so recently denied feeling. "Oh, Alex, we both know it's me. I'm the little orphan girl who nobody wanted. Why should you be any different?"
"You are so wrong, Faith."
"Am I? Do you know how many times I hoped someone would adopt me? Do you know how many times I listened at the keyhole, desperately wanting to hear someone say, 'We love Faith, we have to have her. She would be perfect for our family'?"
"Faith--"
"About twenty times," she answered for him. "And every time I'd think, this is the one wh
o will love me. And every damn time I was wrong. You'd think I would have learned by now."
"You should have learned by now. As I have. I can't believe you're willing to take a chance on loving anyone after everything you've been through."
"Because I still want love. And I still have hope that one day I'll find the right man, who will love me back."
He stared into her eyes for the longest time. "Do you know the definition of faith? It's an illogical belief in the impossible -- like you or me believing we could fall in love and marry and live happily ever after. It can't happen."
Faith felt some of the tension and anger dissipate at the hopeless note in his voice. Suddenly it became clear how hard he was fighting to stay away from her, and it was that knowledge that made her soften.
"You are so scared to let me in, and I can't seem to keep you out. I know you're wrong for me, but that doesn't seem to stop my stomach from taking a dive every time I see you."
"And you think I don't feel the same way? I want you so much it hurts. Why the hell do you think I came here tonight?" His eyes blazed. "I'll tell you why. Because I can't stop thinking about you. Because you've gotten under my skin and turned everything upside down and sideways. Because you made me start thinking that maybe there could be a happy ending. Dammit, Faith. I don't want to believe in you. I don't want to buy in to this love story, only to hear you say 'gotcha' at the end. I've been a sucker too many times."
"That wouldn't happen."
"It happens to me more than you think."
"I'm not your grandfather."
"Thank God for that."
A tiny seed of hope blossomed within her. "You really can't stop thinking about me?"
"I can't. And I'm not just saying that because I want to go to bed with you." He smiled. "Although I do very much want to go to bed with you. The way you kiss. Hell, Faith, you have a very wicked mouth."
Her stomach took another tumble. A shiver shot down her spine. She couldn't have him for a lifetime, but she could have him now. Why not?
Because he'll hurt you. Because you'll fall in love with him. Because one night won't be enough.
She couldn't argue with her conscience. She also couldn't argue with her desire.
Faith very slowly and very deliberately raised her hands to his chest. She slipped open the first button of his shirt, then the second. She heard him catch his breath, felt his hands tighten on her waist. She moved on to the next button and the next, letting her fingers graze for just a moment against the warm skin of his chest, his stomach, his abdomen.
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