"My God, Faith. Your mouth..." Alex drew in a ragged breath. "Come here." He pulled her into his arms and kissed her, giving her everything she wanted, because hadn't she just given him the most generous gift of all, loving a part of him that had never been loved by anyone, not even himself?
When he finally lifted his head, he could barely breathe without inhaling her scent. He could barely look at her mouth without wanting to kiss her. She'd gotten under his skin, into every pore, every nerve ending, until she'd become a part of him. How had he let it happen? How could he ever let her go?
"I want you, Alex, every part of you," she said.
"You picked a hell of a time to show me."
She smiled somewhat sadly. "It's always the wrong time, the wrong place, the wrong people. I never get it right."
"We could go to your house," he said impulsively. "It would only take a few minutes. Let's go."
"We can't. Tomorrow is Easter."
"A reason to celebrate."
"You should be here with Jessie and Julian. It's a family day. I better go."
"Let's just sit for a while," he said, unwilling to let her go just yet.
"Well, all right." She snuggled into his arms and closed her eyes. "But just for a few more minutes." Had she said that before? Oh, well, she was too comfortable to move. She'd leave in a while.
* * *
"Wake up, Faith. Wake up."
Faith jolted awake at the sound of Jessie's voice. It took her a moment to rub the sleep out of her eyes, to realize that she was not at home in bed, but still on Alex's couch, still wrapped in his arms. And Jessie -- Jessie was staring at both of them with an excited look in her eyes.
Faith scrambled out of Alex's arms as he yawned and stretched. She tried to straighten her clothing, to calm down her flyaway hair, so she wouldn't look like she'd spent the night making love to Alex. Although sleeping with him was bad enough. It was hardly the appropriate message she wanted to send Jessie, but Jessie didn't seem to care about them at all.
She held out the basket in her hands. "Look, Faith. An Easter basket. I found this at the end of my bed."
"Imagine that," Faith said, enjoying the look of pure childish pleasure on Jessie's face. "You know, when the Easter Bunny comes, he usually hides candy around the house, too. Sometimes he even takes the eggs and spreads them around, just to be naughty."
Jessie dove under the couch, her gaze catching on a chocolate kiss. "I found one. And there's another one." She raced around the living room in delight, squealing at each new find.
"You made our girl very happy," Alex muttered, exchanging a poignant look with Faith.
Faith just wished she could make him happy, too. But it would take more than a few Easter eggs and chocolate candies to make Alex believe in anything, especially love.
"What's going on out here?" Julian asked, as he walked into the living room in his bathrobe. "Did I hear word of an Easter Bunny?"
"He came, Julian, he came!" Jessie danced over to him and showed him one of the eggs they had colored. "Look, he hid my egg. Can you believe it?"
"Actually, I'm having a lot of trouble believing it," Julian said with a pointed look at Alex. Then his gaze moved over to Faith, and he nodded. "Ah, now I understand. Good morning, my dear."
"Good morning," Faith replied, feeling awkward and embarrassed. She should not have spent the night in Alex's apartment. What on earth would Julian think?
Actually, Julian didn't look particularly distressed. He just murmured something about getting dressed and disappeared from the room.
"Relax, Faith," Alex said quietly. "We didn't do anything wrong."
"Maybe I did. I stayed all night." She darted a quick look to see if Jessie was listening, but she was oblivious to anything but her hunt. "You don't like to wake up with a woman, remember?"
"I remember. It wasn't so bad." But he jumped to his feet rather quickly, making a mockery of his words. "I'll make coffee. Jess -- don't eat all that candy before breakfast, okay?"
"Okay." Jess popped a chocolate egg into her mouth.
Faith tried to smile. She would not let Alex's insecurities ruin the morning. "It's Easter, Alex, a good day to gorge on chocolate."
"Will you stay for breakfast?"
She wanted to stay for breakfast and lunch and dinner and anything else she could get, but slowly she remembered her commitments. Easter was important to the Porters, and she'd said she was coming. She couldn't disappoint them. "I -- I can't."
Alex's voice turned even cooler. "That's right. You have somewhere to go."
"I promised."
He shrugged his shoulders. "It's no big deal."
She felt the wall go up between them. Last night she'd gotten through to him. But now the stranger was back. Damn him. Damn the Porters. And damned if she wasn't caught in the middle. "I could come back," she offered impulsively, taking a chance that he wouldn't reject her idea outright. "For dinner."
Alex hesitated, then shook his head. "I'm not good at holidays. You're better off staying with your friends."
She got to her feet. "Don't do this, Alex. Don't shut me out."
"You're the one who's leaving."
"But I want to come back."
"Then come back."
"Okay, I will." She reached for her purse on the end table. "I'll see you later."
"If you change your mind and want to stay..."
"I won't change my mind."
"Fine."
"Fine."
Faith turned to Jessie. "I have to go. Happy Easter."
Jessie came over and gave Faith an awkward hug. "Thanks for being the Easter Bunny."
Faith smiled. "I had help."
"Alex?" Jessie's eyes widened.
"Yes."
"Wow."
"Wow," Faith echoed as she watched Jessie run to Alex.
Alex opened his arms and Jessie fit right into them as if she'd always belonged there. Alex looked at Faith over Jessie's head, his expression a mix of longing and pain. She didn't know how Alex could bear to let Jessie go. Real father or not, he loved Jessie. He just didn't believe in forever. Faith wished she could prove him wrong.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Faith drove home, changed her clothes, then got back into the car to drive to the Porters' house. She'd prepared a special bunny cake as well as a tray of mixed pastries and a lemon torte. Since her first Easter celebration at the Porters' three years earlier, Faith had come to love their traditions, the family unity that spilled out of every corner of their home during the holidays.
She would have felt better if she could have come as she'd come the year before, as a friend of the family, not as a possible wife for Ben. As she stepped out of her car and shut the door, she prayed that Ben had finally told his parents the truth.
"Faith." Kim waved from the porch, then ran down the walkway to help her with the desserts. "I saw the cutest bridesmaid's dress. It's a pearl pink, and although I don't normally like pink, this was gorgeous. And best of all, it wasn't that expensive. I know I'm getting ahead of myself. You haven't officially asked me, and if you'd rather have a friend, that's okay, too. But I still think you should look at the dress. Maybe tomorrow we could go at lunchtime. It's not far from the bakery."
Faith was saved from replying as Nancy met her at the door with a kiss on the cheek. "I'm so glad you're here, Faith, and so sorry I let you down this week, but I finally kicked that horrible cold."
"I'm glad."
Nancy took the other tray from Faith's hands. "Ben will be here any second. He just called, and I asked him to pick up a carton of ice cream from the store. It turns out Chuck had a midnight snack."
Faith smiled. She loved the give and take of this family, the way they scolded each other with love shining out of their eyes.
"Would you mind giving me a hand in the kitchen?" Nancy asked. "I made a pesto dip to go with French bread, and I'd love to have you take some into the backyard. Chuck's brother and his wife are already out there with the
kids."
"Sure."
The doorbell rang again and Nancy yelled, "Come in."
Chuck's sister and husband and their oldest daughter with her three young kids came into the house, exchanging hellos and hugs with Nancy, Faith, and Kim. Then the bell rang again.
Faith slipped into the kitchen with a laugh. If she was going to serve appetizers, she'd better get started before the next crew arrived.
Ben arrived fifteen minutes later. He greeted his mother with a kiss, and Faith with a pleading smile to stay quiet. She nodded her head, knowing this was not the time or the place to tell the Porters they were not getting married. Instead, she allowed herself to be cornered by Ben's grandmother, who wanted to tell her all about Ben as a little boy. Their conversation lasted throughout the lavish buffet and well into dessert.
"That's enough, Grannie," Ben said an hour later, as his grandmother was preparing to bring out the family scrapbooks. "The Easter egg hunt is about to begin."
"Thanks," Faith said, as she followed Ben into the backyard where his parents had set up an Easter egg hunt. "I love your grandmother, but she was getting ready to name our children."
"Sorry."
Faith sat down in a lawn chair, pleased to feel the sun on her face. It relieved some of the tension racing through her body. The Easter egg hunt was another Porter family tradition, and one Faith had watched with much pleasure for the past couple of years. She'd often fantasized about a time when she and Gary would have a toddler to throw into the fray, but sadly, that hadn't happened.
"How are you, Faith?" Esther Porter asked. She was one of Ben's aunts, a lovely woman who'd stitched a beautiful sampler for Faith at the time of her first engagement to Gary.
"I'm fine," Faith replied. "How about you?"
"Arthritis is making my fingers ache, but Nancy tells me it may be time to start my stitchery again. You'll have to tell me your color scheme, dear."
"I haven't decided yet."
"Well, I've always been partial to blues. So restful and soothing, the way a home should be."
"I'll keep that in mind."
Ben pulled up a chair next to her as Esther wandered away with one of her grandchildren. Dressed in casual beige slacks and an ivory-colored, long-sleeve shirt, he looked fresh and well rested, not at all the way she felt, she thought resentfully. Ben didn't look like he had a care in the world. But then, he was awfully good at pretending.
"Still mad at me?" he asked.
"Yes."
"Well, thanks for being a sport." Ben leaned forward, lacing his hands together as they both watched the children scamper for treasure. "I didn't want to ruin Easter. That's one reason why I haven't said anything."
"I hate lying to your parents."
"I know you do."
Faith breathed in the scent of spring flowers and tried to relax. It was a beautiful day, not too warm, not too cool. The birds were singing, the children laughing. It was a perfect day for Easter, for rebirth, for renewal. And time to move on. Way past time, she realized.
"I wish it would have been me," Ben said heavily, interrupting her thoughts. "The one who died."
Faith turned to him in shock. "Don't ever say that."
"My parents would have been happier if Gary had lived."
"No. They love you, Ben. I know you think they loved Gary more, but it's not true. Your father used to argue with Gary all the time."
"Are you kidding?" Ben looked at her with amazement and disbelief. "Gary and my father agreed on everything."
"They didn't. For example, Chuck didn't want Gary to invest in the bakery, but Gary did it anyway -- for me. Chuck didn't speak to him for three days."
Ben looked at her in astonishment. "I never knew that."
"You didn't know a lot of things. Gary respected your parents, but he made his own decisions and he lived his own life. You should do the same."
"Gary wasn't -- abnormal."
"Oh, Ben." Faith sighed with heartfelt compassion. "I can't imagine what it must be like to be you. I'll be honest. But your sexuality is only one part of your personality."
"A big part. Too big for my parents to accept."
"I hope you're wrong. Because they need you, and you need them, but not this way, not with so many lies."
"I'm terrified of losing my parents, Faith. I can't be all alone. I'm not as strong as you."
"Sometimes you have no choice but to be strong."
"But I do have a choice."
She looked into his warm, worried brown eyes. "Do you, Ben? I think you've been fighting this for a long time." She paused. "Do you care about that man, the one you were with?"
"I don't know."
"Lying to yourself now?"
"Okay. I like him -- very much."
"Are you going to give him up for your parents?"
Ben let out a breath. "How can I have both? It's hopeless."
"What's hopeless, dear?" Nancy asked, coming up behind them, her round face reflecting a happy weariness. "Good heavens. The two of you look positively depressed. What's happened?"
"I didn't get any candy," Ben said, standing up to kiss his mother on the cheek.
"Oh, you. As if you don't know there's an Easter basket with your name on it in the living room."
"Mother, I'm a little old for Easter baskets."
"You're my baby boy, you're never too old to spoil." She gave Ben a hug, then smiled at Faith. "I have one for you, too."
"You shouldn't have."
"You're part of the family, Faith."
"Aunt Nancy, can I have some lemonade?" one of the children asked.
"I'll get it for you, Robert," Faith said quickly. She couldn't stand to look into Nancy's generous, loving eyes for one second longer.
The kitchen was filled with relatives, but Faith found some lemonade and poured Robert a glass. Rather than return to the Easter egg hunt, she made her way into the living room and up the stairs. Eventually she found herself outside of Gary's bedroom door. She hadn't made a conscious decision to come to his room, but now that she was here, she knew she had to go inside.
Faith hadn't been in Gary's room since the day of the funeral. She'd always stayed away, too afraid of the painful memories. But somehow, today, she needed to see his room, his things.
Taking a deep breath, she pushed open the door and saw -- a boy's room. There was a double-sized bed with a cherry frame and matching desk and dresser. Gary's stereo stood on a table in one corner along with his collection of records. Everything was exactly the way he'd left it at eighteen years old when he'd gone to college. Even then Nancy had kept his room ready for him to come home. Here it was, still the same, decades later.
Faith went in and sat on the bed. She picked up a raggedy old tiger and held it in her arms. "Lucky," she whispered, tracing the tiger's worn-out nose. She remembered Gary telling her that Lucky had been his "lovey," the animal he'd slept with every night of his life until he turned eight and his father had decided he was too old to need a 'lovey'.
Gary said he'd stuffed Lucky into a drawer, but sometimes late at night he'd get up and take it out. Then in the morning he'd put him back. What was it about the Porters that made their boys want to hide their true selves from their parents? She knew Nancy and Chuck loved their children.
Maybe that was just the way families were. What did she know?
She hugged the tiger to her chest, thinking of all the toys she'd tried to hang on to. She'd had a doll once, Emma Lou, she'd call her. But Emma Lou had been left at the house for the next foster kid. And she'd had a bear once. She'd just called him "Bear," afraid to give him a name for fear he'd disappear as well. He had.
Just like Alex, she thought. She'd loved and lost, over and over again. But unlike Alex, she still kept hoping for that miracle, that once in a lifetime that would last forever.
Tears gathered in the corners of her eyes. She hadn't cried since the funeral, but today she couldn't stop the emotion from spilling out. She cried for everyone and everything s
he had lost. And she cried for the Porters, because she knew that she would soon be leaving. After they learned the wedding was off, nothing would be the same. They'd be done with her. And her last link to Gary would be broken.
She squeezed her eyes shut and saw Gary's image. She felt his smile, warm and tender, wash over her like a soft rain. And then he was gone.
Faith didn't realize Nancy had come into the room until the door shut. Hastily she wiped her eyes and set the tiger down on the bed.
Nancy looked at her with concern. "Are you all right?"
"Fine."
"You don't have to pretend with me." Nancy sat on the edge of the bed. "I've cried in here many times, wishing I could have just a few more minutes with Gary, one last chance to tell him how much I love him."
"He knew. He always knew."
"I hope so. He loved you, too. He told me so many times. In fact, I was a little jealous at first, hearing the way he said your name with so much longing that I knew he'd found his true love."
Faith had to swallow hard to keep the tears from coming back. "Why are the good things in life so short?"
"I don't know. But there are more good things waiting just around the corner for you -- with Ben."
Faith stared at Nancy, feeling the truth rushing to her lips. She bit down hard, tasting blood.
"It will be a different love with Ben, I suspect, but just as good. Just as sweet."
Faith couldn't stand it. She tried not to say the words, but they poured out of her like a tidal wave intent on destruction. "I'm not going to marry Ben."
"What?" Nancy's mouth dropped open. Her eyes looked shocked as if she'd just seen a horrible accident.
Now that she'd said it, Faith had to explain. There was no point in hiding, no point in wishing she hadn't told the truth on Easter Sunday. It was done. "I'm not going to marry Ben."
"I -- I don't understand. Of course you're going to marry Ben. He loves you. You love him. It's all so perfect."
"I can't marry Ben," Faith said gently. "I love him very much as a friend, but not as a husband. I'm sorry."
"Sorry? You're breaking my son's heart, and all you can say is you're sorry?"
The Sweetest Thing Page 25