What was that about?
Unable to look away, Neve watched as the man seemed to tighten in front of her, muscles bunching, his jaw tense. He turned toward her, and for the first time, she saw his eyes—deep brown and focused intently on her. He seemed to vibrate in his seat, his gaze penetrating, pinning her in place. His lips parted, as if to speak, but his teeth were clenched tightly together in a painful grimace.
The woman said something sharply in his ear—something Neve couldn’t hear－and the man looked away, back at the table. His body relaxed and Neve took in a shaky breath, unsure what had just happened, or if she’d imagined the strange, intensity of the man’s gaze.
“You gonna eat that?” Lily asked, breaking her out of her daze.
“What?”
Lily pointed at Neve’s roll. “You want your roll?”
“Oh, no.” She pushed her entire tray across the table. “Help yourself.”
“Awesome!” Lily gave a little dance and ripped into Neve’s roll.
The couple across the room got up and walked toward the hall, not looking in her direction.
“Lily, who’s that?” she asked in a low voice.
“Huh?”
Neve pointed with her chin toward the couple walking out.
Lily darted a glance their way, then piled some potatoes onto the remainder of the roll. “Oh, that’s Torbin and Tala,” she said.
“Do you know anything about them?”
Lily swallowed before responding. “Not really. Everyone around here kind of keeps to themselves, you know? Well, except me.” She gave Neve an unsettling grin, all teeth. “I like people.”
For a split second, Neve wasn’t sure exactly how she meant that statement.
“I do know that Torbin doesn’t talk,” she said, starting on Neve’s salad.
Neve leaned back in her chair, rubbing a finger along the edge of the cracked Formica tabletop. “The strong, silent type?”
“I guess,” Lily said. “But I mean he doesn’t talk. Like at all. I don’t think he can.” The lights flickered and Lily got to her feet.
“That’s our cue,” she said. “Gotta head back to our rooms for quiet time before lights out.”
They lined up to bus their trays then walked out into the hallway. Neve still felt lost, untethered, and unsure what to do.
“I’m this way,” Lily said, hitching a thumb over her shoulder. “You remember how to get back to your room?”
Neve looked down the hallway. “Yeah, I think so.”
Lily nodded. “Cool. See you at breakfast?”
“Okay.”
The girl took off down the hallway at a near run and Neve decided that Calum the nurse had no idea what he was talking about. Lily seemed harmless. At least she’d been friendly toward Neve, and even if it was only because she wanted her dinner, she’d made no move to bite her.
Neve preferred to give her the benefit of the doubt.
She turned and retraced her steps toward her room and flicked on the lights, unsure how to fill the quiet time she had before her. She explored a little, opening the closet to find more sweatpants and T-shirts, underwear, bras, and socks in the drawers. That was it. No books, magazine, photographs . . . nothing to indicate she’d been living in this room for more than a decade. Neve was relieved the room had an adjoining bathroom, and that it was stocked with soap, shampoo, and towels, as well as a toothbrush.
She crossed the room to look out the barred windows at the grounds beyond, dully lit by lamp posts spaced evenly around the green on the edge of a forest. Neve tried to let her mind wander, hoping some lost memory would jump to the forefront if she weren’t actively trying to push it forward.
But . . . nothing.
She had no idea how long she stood there, but eventually, there was a knock at the door and the red-haired nurse, Angelica, entered with a glass of water and a small paper cup.
“Time for your meds,” she said, holding out the cup.
Neve held out her hand, more out of reflex than anything else, and the nurse tipped its contents into her palm. Neve examined the two white tablets, and a larger yellow one. “What is it?”
“The usual,” Angelica replied, offering the water as she glanced at her watch impatiently. “Vitamins and Clozapine for your delu－” She pressed her lips together. “For your condition,” she said. “Doctor’s orders.”
Neve took the glass and swallowed the pills, choking a little before she took another long drink. “Thanks,” she said.
Angelica tipped her head in response. “Fifteen minutes until lights out,” she said. “Better get ready for bed.”
Neve brushed her teeth and washed her face. Then, unable to find pajamas or anything else that appeared to be sleepwear, she shucked her sweatpants and climbed into bed in her T-shirt. She lay staring at the ceiling long after the lights flicked off, searching the shadows cast by the outside lights. She was just drifting off when she sat up suddenly, uncertain what had alerted her. She had no idea what time it was—there was no clock in the room, no phone to check—but it was still fully dark outside, the lamp posts now out, the only light coming from the crescent moon overhead.
She slipped out of bed, the linoleum cold against her bare feet, and walked toward the windows, uncertain of what she was looking for. She pressed her hands to the glass, her breath steaming a circle between her palms.
All was still. The lawn lay empty save for the shadows of a few shrubs and scattered benches. The forest loomed dark and foreboding along the edge of the grass, an impenetrable wall in the darkness. Neve stood frozen, the hair standing up on the back of her neck with a frisson of awareness. Almost like someone was watching her.
What is it?
She narrowed her eyes, scanning the edge of the forest, looking for . . . what? She had no idea. Her gaze swept along the trees from left to right, then slowly back again, but there was nothing—wait.
Did something move?
Neve focused on the spot, willing the darkness to pull back, let her see whatever it was she was searching for.
Then, she saw it. A pair of golden eyes, glowing in the night. And there . . . the looming shape of an animal, barely lit by the moonlight.
A bear.
It stepped forward out of the shadows, locking eyes with her, and Neve gasped, her hand flying up to her mouth.
But as suddenly as it appeared, it was gone. She searched the area frantically, but saw no sign of the animal, no movement. Nothing.
Had she imagined it?
She stood there for a long while, waiting for it to reappear, but it never did. Eventually, she slid back between her now-cold sheets, and finally fell asleep.
Somewhere in the darkness, he watched.
Lily was waiting at the same table when Neve walked into the common room for breakfast. She waved wildly and pushed out a chair as soon as Neve grabbed her tray of limp french toast and sausage. With a nervous smile, she joined the girl, spreading a paper napkin on her lap.
“Morning,” Lily chirped. “How’d you sleep?”
Neve opened the little packet of syrup and drizzled it over her toast. “Pretty good, I think. I don’t remember waking up, anyway.”
“Well, not that you would,” Lily joked with a waggle of her eyebrows. “You know, the amnesia?”
Neve shook her head a little, smiling despite herself. “Yeah, I get it.”
“Anyway, sleep’s not usually a problem around here,” Lily said as she chewed on the straw in her orange juice. “The meds, you know?”
Neve didn’t know, but it didn’t really surprise her. She supposed most of the patients were medicated, if not all.
“I guess,” she said, not knowing what else to say. She chewed on a piece of sausage as she surreptitiously glanced around the room. It looked pretty much the same as the night before, although there were fewer patients in the room. Other than Lily and herself, only the man and woman she’d noticed at dinner were there. What did Lily say their names were? Torbin and—she
searched her thoughts, relieved when the memory came up easily.
Tala. Torbin and Tala.
“－don’t you think?”
Neve realized she’d missed whatever Lily had been talking about. “I’m sorry, what?”
Lily rolled her eyes good naturedly. “I asked if you like group or solo better.” At Neve’s blank look, she added, “Therapy?”
“Oh!” Neve took a sip of her juice and considered. “I don’t really know, actually. I don’t remember.”
Lily smacked her forehead. “Oh man, I’m so stupid,” she said, smacking herself a few more times. “Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!”
“No, it’s okay!” Neve reached out to pull her hand away, but stopped short and tucked her own hands under the table. “It’s easy to forget.” She gave the girl a little smile. “I should know.”
Lily stared at her blankly for a moment, then burst out laughing. “Right.” She giggled again. “Anyway, I should tell you then that after breakfast we have like an hour to ourselves for showers or exercise or whatever, then it’s time for group.” She leaned in, wrinkling her nose, the freckles standing out against her pale skin. “They won’t make you talk too much at first, if you don’t want to, but when you’re in one-on-one with Doctor Alberich? He’ll get all up in your business.” She rolled a sausage up into a piece of toast and stuffed the whole thing in her mouth, not bothering to swallow before adding, “It’s better to let him think he’s helping.”
“What do you mean?” Neve asked.
Lily swallowed down the mess of food with a gulp of orange juice. “Just go along with whatever he says,” she replied. “It’s way easier. A positive mental attitude is essential to recovery.” She said the last in a mimicking type of voice, as if she’d heard it many times before.
“I don’t－” Neve pushed away her tray, no longer hungry. “I really do want to get better,” she said. “That’s the goal, right?”
“Sure,” Lily replied, wadding up her napkin and stuffing it into her plastic juice glass. “That’s the goal.”
Neve nodded, her gaze drawn when Torbin and Tala stood, bussed their trays, and walked toward the hallway. Torbin stiffened, as if feeling her eyes on him and turned to look at her. His own gaze darkened, a tick in his jaw pulsed and his hands curled into fists. He froze, staring at her, not moving toward her or away, just . . . looking. Neve felt pulled, somehow. Tied or locked in place. She couldn’t look away and her breath caught, her own palms growing damp.
Tala grabbed his arm and hissed something into his ear. He nodded, finally breaking the weird connection between them and they walked quickly out of the room without looking back.
“What in the world?” Neve said on a shaky breath.
“Hmm?” Lily hadn’t been paying attention, picking at a hangnail on her thumb.
“You didn’t see that?” Neve asked. “That man. Torbin? He was staring at me.” And I was staring at him. Why?
“Oh yeah?” Lily looked toward the empty doorway. “Well, he is kind of intense.”
“I don’t think he likes me.”
“He doesn’t really like anyone.”
Neve swallowed thickly. “He looked like he hates me.”
Lily tipped back in her chair precariously, fingertips on the table barely keeping her balance. “Listen, if there’s one thing you’ll learn while you’re here, it’s that people’s moods are—what’s the word?” She pursed her lips, thinking. “Mercurial. That’s it. We’re all a little on edge, you know? I mean, we’re mental patients. I wouldn’t take it too personally. Tomorrow, everything could be completely different and you and Torbin could be best friends.”
Neve doubted that, but Lily’s words did ease her concern a bit.
“You gonna eat that?” Lily pointed to Neve’s second piece of toast.
“Help yourself.” She sipped her juice. “Hey, Lily, have you ever seen any animals around here?”
“Animals?” She peeled the crust off the toast, rolled it up and popped it into her mouth. “I think Angelica has a cat.”
“No, I mean wild animals,” Neve said, uncertain why she lowered her voice. “I could have sworn I saw a bear outside my window last night.”
“A bear?” Lily’s eyes widened. “I don’t know. I haven’t heard of that before, but we are on the edge of a forest, so I guess it’s possible. You should mention it to Doctor Alberich. He might want to have animal control come out and take a look or something.”
Neve nodded. It was probably nothing. And it couldn’t have been as big as she’d imagined it, right?
And it hadn’t looked right at her with glowing golden eyes. That was just paranoia. Sleep deprivation. An active imagination.
She refused to entertain the thought that she might actually be crazy.
“It’s probably nothing,” she said with a shrug as she got to her feet to bus her tray. “My eyes playing tricks on me maybe. Or－”
The room spun in a vicious spiral, walls, tables, and chairs blurring into a wash of color, and suddenly, Neve stood in a forest clearing. She gasped, stumbling slightly as she took in the towering trees, barren limbs reaching into the pale sky. The ground beneath her was soft, layered with needles and leaves, the scent of petrichor thick and sweet around her. Neve’s hands trembled as she pressed them to her face. What had happened? Where was she? Had she lost more memories?
“Neve,” a voice said from behind her.
She whirled around to see a woman standing there, dressed in a long, white gown, her feet bare against the forest floor. She was the same height as Neve, with pale skin and dark eyes, her hair a red so dark it was almost black. She held out a hand, palm up, and Neve saw a tattoo on her inner arm of a deep, red rose. It glinted in the shadows, nearly glowing, and the woman smiled at her.
There was something familiar about her, but Neve couldn’t put her finger on exactly what it was.
“Who are you?” she asked.
“I’m Rose,” the woman replied. “There’s not much time. You’re in danger, Neve. We’re looking for you, but it’s not easy.”
“What? Who is looking for me?” Neve shook her head, confused. “What are you talking about?”
“Be careful,” she said. “Don’t trust him.”
Neve’s head swam with dizziness and she struggled to stay on her feet. “What? Trust who?”
The woman opened her mouth to speak, but the forest began to swim, black and white and red blurring in a spiral of color until the blackness bloomed, coating everything like a splash of thick paint running over the world, and Neve fell to the ground, overcome by it.
“Neve?”
She inhaled sharply, the scent of leaves and dirt replaced by disinfectant and greasy sausage.
“Neve, can you open your eyes?”
Her eyelids fluttered, and the room slowly came into focus. Neve realized she was lying on the common room floor, with Doctor Alberich kneeling next to her, a penlight in his hand.
“Don’t move,” he said when she tried to get up. “You may have hit your head.”
He shone the light into her eyes, and she tried to follow his directions to look this way and that. Lily’s pink head appeared next to his.
“Wow, you went down like a tree,” she said.
A tree? There was a tree, wasn’t there?
“Lily, that’s quite enough,” Doctor Alberich said, still focused on Neve’s eyes. “You better go get ready for group.”
Lily frowned but didn’t argue and left the room.
“I don’t think you have a concussion,” he said. “Can you sit up?”
Slowly, she did, embarrassed to see that the kitchen staff, and Calum and Angelica were all gathered around, watching her. “I’m fine,” she said. “I just—got a little dizzy?”
“Hmm,” the doctor said, still eyeing her critically. “Are you sure that’s all?”
Neve hesitated and the doctor frowned.
“Calum, can you help Neve up, please?”
“I’m fine,” sh
e said quickly. She got up and sat back down at the table. “Really.” Neve’s face burned and she was on the verge of tears. She may not have remembered much about her life, but she was certain at that moment that she hated to be the center of attention. “Please,” she whispered.
The doctor took in a deep breath and studied her closely. “Could you all excuse us, please,” he said to the people gathered around. As Lily had, they left without argument, and Doctor Alberich sat across the table from her. She studied the table, embarrassed and nervous, afraid to look him in the eye.
“Neve, it’s imperative to your recovery that you are always honest with me,” he said. “I cannot help you if you keep secrets.”
Neve’s shoulders hunched and she toyed with the frayed cuff of her sweatshirt. “It’s nothing,” she said finally. “I’m sure it’s nothing.”
“Why don’t you let me be the judge of that,” he said, leaning forward, his elbows on the table. “Tell me exactly what happened.”
She bit her lip for a moment, then nodded. “I was sitting here, eating with Lily,” she said. “And when I stood up, I got dizzy and everything kind of spun around, and then I was in this forest.” She shot a glance at him, trying to judge his shock. Would he deem her insane? Wrap her in a straitjacket?
But Doctor Alberich simply steepled his fingers and tapped them against his lips. “Go on.”
“I saw a woman.” Neve crossed her legs and wrapped her arms around her torso, as if to protect herself. “She said her name was Rose.”
At this, one eyebrow shot up, but the doctor gave no other reaction. “Did she say anything else?”
Neve frowned as she tried to remember the woman’s exact words. “She said, ‘We’re looking for you.’ And she said, ‘Don’t trust him.’“
“Trust who?”
“I don’t know,” she said through sudden tears clogging her throat. “I don’t understand anything that’s happening. I was there, then I was here. And it’s. It’s－” Neve scrubbed her hands over her face. “Am I crazy, Doctor? Hallucinating?”
Of Snow and Roses Page 2