by Dan Gutman
Dedication
Special thanks to
Tommy Gemma and Terry Sirrell
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Dedication
1.Big News!
2.Lunch Is My Life
3.Mystery Meat and Nofu
4.My Name Is A.J. and I Hate Veggies
5.Nice Try, Ms. Hall
6.Ms. Hall Is in a Pickle
7.Ugh, Gross! Disgusting!
8.You Should Have Been There!
9.A Surprise Visitor
10.Pepper Poppers and Turbo Tomatoes
11.Rebel without a Cause
About the Author and Illustrator
Back Ads
Copyright
About the Publisher
My name is A.J. and I hate current events.
Do you know what current events are? In Mr. Cooper’s class, once a week we have to bring in an article we cut out of the newspaper. Then we have to stand in front of the class and talk about it.
So the other day, we had current events, and I forgot to bring in an article. Everybody got up and talked about their current event.
Andrea Young, this annoying girl with curly brown hair, talked about some furry animals that might go extinct.
Michael, who never ties his shoes, talked about last week’s pro football games.
Ryan, who will eat anything, talked about some new food that nobody ever heard of.
Alexia, this girl who rides a skateboard all the time, talked about a new skate park that’s opening up.
Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes, talked about the Statue of Liberty. It has a poem on it that says, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.”*
I was hoping Mr. Cooper wouldn’t call on me. So instead of looking at him, I looked at the floor. If you don’t want the teacher to call on you, always look at the floor. That’s the first rule of being a kid.
“Your turn, A.J.,” said Mr. Cooper.
Bummer in the summer! I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. I had to think fast.
“My dog ate my current event,” I said.
“A.J.,” Mr. Cooper replied, “you don’t have a dog.”
Oh, yeah.
“That’s the third time in a row that you forgot to bring in a current event, A.J.”
“Well,” I told Mr. Cooper, “it doesn’t make sense that we have to do current events anyway. Current events are happening right now, and you can’t bring them in because they’re too busy happening. If you ask me, they shouldn’t be called current events because once they’re in the newspaper, they’re not current anymore. They should be called old events.”
Mr. Cooper started rubbing his forehead with his fingers. Grown-ups do that all the time. Nobody knows why. Maybe they need a head massage.
Speaking of heads, you’ll never believe who poked his head into the door at that moment.
Nobody! Doors are made of wood. Why would you poke your head into a piece of wood?
But you’ll never believe who poked his head into the doorway.
It was Mr. Klutz, our principal! He has no hair at all. I mean none. He would be taller if he had some hair on top of his head.
“Did I hear somebody say current events aren’t current?” he said. “Well, I have some news, and it just happened a minute ago.”
“What is it?” we all asked.
“Ms. LaGrange is leaving us.”
“Noooooooooo!” we all shouted.
Ms. LaGrange is our lunch lady. She’s from France, and she always says weird words like bonjour, whatever that means. She also writes secret messages in the mashed potatoes. Ms. LaGrange is strange.
When they heard that she was leaving, everybody started yelling and screaming and shrieking and hooting and hollering and freaking out.
Mr. Klutz held up his hand and made a peace sign with his fingers, which means “shut up!”
“Ms. LaGrange is going back to France,” he told us. “She’s being deported.”
Nobody knew what that meant, so Little Miss I-Know-Everything looked it up on her smartphone. Deported is when they take some of those tired, poor people who can’t breathe and send them back where they came from.
“Gotta run,” said Mr. Klutz. “I have to go find a new lunch lady!”
After all the excitement was over, Mr. Cooper told us to turn to page twenty-three in our math books. But nobody could pay attention to math. We were all sad about Ms. LaGrange. She was nice.
“How is Mr. Klutz going to find a new lunch lady?” asked Emily, who is Andrea’s crybaby friend.
“He’ll probably go to Rent-A-Lunch Lady,” I replied. “You can rent anything.”
Mr. Cooper told us to stop chatting and turn back to page twenty-three in our math books. But you’ll never believe who poked his head into the door at that moment.
Nobody! It would hurt if you poked your head into a door. I thought we went over that in Chapter One.
But you’ll never believe who poked his head into the doorway.
It was Mr. Klutz again!
“Guess what?” he asked.
“Your butt?” I replied. Any time anybody asks what’s up, you should always reply “your butt.” That’s the first rule of being a kid.
“I found our new lunch lady!” Mr. Klutz said excitedly.
Wow, that was fast!
At that moment, the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. Some lady came roller-skating into the room. She was wearing a white uniform with an apron over it and yellow rubber gloves. Her hair looked like it was gray, but it was almost blue. And she was wearing a net over her hair, like she needed to catch some fish or something.
“Hi everybody!” the lady said. “I’m Ms. Hall!”
Mr. Klutz told us that when he went outside to look for a new lunch lady, Ms. Hall happened to be roller-skating down the street. So he hired her on the spot. Huh! How often does that happen?
“I’m so excited to be your new lunch lady,” Ms. Hall told us. “Lunch is my life. You know how everybody says breakfast is the most important meal of the day? Well, I think that’s wrong. Breakfast is way overrated. I say lunch is the most important meal of the day.”
Wow, she’s really passionate about ranking the meals of the day.
“Welcome to Ella Mentry School, Ms. Hall,” said Mr. Klutz. “What will you be making us for lunch today?”
“Veggies,” she replied. “Lots of veggies!”
Oh no! Not veggies! People who eat veggies are plant eaters. I’m not going to eat plants.
“I love veggies!” shouted Andrea, who loves everything I hate.
“Me too!” shouted Emily, who loves everything Andrea loves.
“That’s great!” said Ms. Hall. “Veggies are very important for good health. Did you know that obesity rates have more than tripled since the 1970s? I think the solution to the problem is to get kids eating more veggies.”
“Obesity?” I asked. “What’s obesity?”
“That’s when beasts come to the city,” said Michael.
“Stop trying to scare Emily,” said Andrea.
“There are beasts in the city?” asked Emily. “I’m scared.”
“Help!” hollered Neil. “The beasts are coming! Call 911!”
“Run for your lives!” yelled Ryan.
Everybody started yelling and screaming and shrieking and hooting and hollering and freaking out.
“We’ve got to do something!” shouted Emily. Then she went running out of the room.
Sheesh, get a grip! That girl will fall for anything.
After that, we had to go to science class.
“Pringle up, everybod
y!” said Mr. Cooper.
We lined up in single file and walked a million hundred miles to the science room.
Our science teacher is Mr. Docker. But when we got to the science room, Mr. Docker was talking with the computer teacher, Mrs. Yonkers; the new lunch lady, Ms. Hall; and Mr. Harrison, the guy who fixes the copy machines and stuff when it breaks.
“Good morning,” said Mr. Docker. “In honor of our new lunch lady, Ms. Hall, today we’re going to talk about some exciting new developments in food technology. Mr. Harrison, would you like to start things off?”
Mr. Harrison went up to the front of the room. He had a little white thing in his hand, but I couldn’t tell what it was.
“I’ve been working in my workshop on this new tool that you kids will be able to use in the lunchroom,” he explained.
“What is that thing?” asked Mr. Docker.
“You know what a spork is, right?” said Mr. Harrison. “It’s a spoon and a fork all in one. Well, I’ve developed a new utensil. It’s a fork, knife, and spoon all in one.”
“That’s very interesting,” said Mr. Docker. “What do you call it?”
“I call it a knoof,” said Mr. Harrison. “Knife, spoon, and fork.”
“How do you spell ‘knoof’?” asked Andrea, who always cares about how words are spelled just in case they’ll be on a spelling test someday. What is her problem?
“K-N-O-O-F,” he replied. “The K is silent.”*
“That’s a great idea!” said Ms. Hall. “I can’t wait to try out a knoof at lunch today.”
We all clapped our hands in circles to give Mr. Harrison a round of applause.
“Okay, Ms. Hall, you have the floor,” said Mr. Docker.
That was weird. What does she need the floor for? Who wants a floor anyway?
Ms. Hall held up a plate full of cupcakes. Yum!
“Thank you,” she said. “I wanted to give the kids a sneak peek at my new recipe: meatball cupcakes with mashed potato icing!”
“That sounds yummy!” said Andrea.
“I agree,” said Emily, who agrees with everything Andrea says.
“Gross!” I said. “What kind of meat is in a meatball cupcake?”
“Mystery meat,” said Ms. Hall.
“What’s mystery meat?” we all asked.
“If I told you, it wouldn’t be a mystery,” said Ms. Hall.
That was weird. We all clapped our hands in circles to give Ms. Hall a round of applause.
Next it was Mrs. Yonkers’s turn. She picked up a few plates that were on the windowsill.
“As you know, it’s important for kids to eat veggies,” said Mrs. Yonkers. “So Mr. Docker and I have been working in the lab. We came up with a few ideas.”
Mr. Docker held up a box of Twinkies.
“Now you’re talking my language!” I said. “I love Twinkies!”
“Oh, these aren’t Twinkies,” Mr. Docker said. “They’re Vinkies. We took regular Twinkies, scooped out the cream filling, and put veggies in there instead. You’re gonna love ’em!”
“That’s a great idea!” said Ms. Hall.
Ugh, gross! Veggie-filled Twinkies? I thought I was gonna throw up.
Next Mrs. Yonkers held up a big green pepper.
“It looks like a regular pepper, right?” she said, cutting it open with a knife. “But it’s not a regular pepper. There’s a little toy inside. See? We can grow the pepper right around the toy!”
“Amazing!” said Ms. Hall. “So it’s sort of like a Happy Meal.”
More like a Sad Meal, if you ask me.
“And this is our masterpiece,” Mr. Docker said, holding up some white thing. “You’ve heard of tofu, right?”
“I love tofu!” said Andrea and a few other kids.
Ugh, gross! I’m not eating food made out of toes. Why can’t a truck full of tofu fall on Andrea’s head?
“For many people, tofu is an alternative to meat,” said Mr. Docker. “But some people don’t like tofu. That’s why we’ve developed this new food—nofu.”
Nofu?
“Yes, nofu is an alternative to tofu,” explained Mrs. Yonkers. “It’s tofu with no tofu in it, for people who don’t like tofu.”
“So it’s tofu free,” said Mr. Docker. “You’re gonna love it!”
“I love it already!” said Ms. Hall.
“Not only that,” continued Mrs. Yonkers. “Our sense of smell is connected to our sense of taste, so we’ve developed a new product that you spray on veggies to make them taste and smell like meat.”
Mr. Docker took a can of something and sprayed it on a piece of nofu.
“See?” he said. “It’s canned meat spray!”
“It’s like portable meat in a can!” said Mrs. Yonkers.
Ms. Hall picked up the piece of nofu with meat spray on it and took a bite.
“Mmmm!” she said. “Veggie meat! It’s delicious! I love it!”
Portable meat spray in a can? Ugh. All that stuff sounded horrible.
And those teachers are weird.
I wasn’t all that excited for lunch the next day as we walked a million hundred miles to the vomitorium.* I was the line leader. Ms. Hall greeted us at the door.
“Hi dollface!” she said to me.
“Dollface?” I asked. “Why are you calling me dollface?”
“No reason,” she said. “Hey, look! I installed an all-you-can-eat salad bar!”
“What if all I want to eat is no salad?” I asked. “The only bar I like is a candy bar. You should have an all-you-can-eat candy bar.”
“Hmm,” Ms. Hall replied. “What if I sprayed the salad with some portable meat?”
“No thank you,” I told her. “I brought my lunch from home. Can I just have a bunch of straws? I always carry extra straws with me.”
“Sure, dollface,” she said. “Why do you carry straws with you?”
“Because whenever I do something,” I told her, “grown-ups are always saying that’s the last straw.”
I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. So did Ryan, Michael, Neil, and Alexia. You have to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch every day. That’s the law.
Andrea and Emily, of course, went to the all-you-can-eat salad bar.
“I love veggies,” Andrea said when she came back to the table.
“Me too,” said Emily.
“My favorite veggie is cauliflower,” Andrea said.
“Mine too,” said Emily.
Ugh. I’m not going to eat any kind of a flower.
“What’s your favorite vegetable, Arlo?” asked Andrea, who calls me by my real name because she knows I don’t like it.
“Twinkies,” I said.
“Twinkies aren’t a vegetable!” Andrea told me.
“Well, they should be,” I replied.
We all started eating our lunches.
“I don’t think I’m going to like Ms. Hall,” said Alexia. “I hate veggies.”
“Me too,” said Michael.
“Me three,” I said.
My favorite thing to do at lunch is annoy Emily.
“Hey Emily,” I said. “Do you like seafood?”
“Sure!” she said. “I love seafood!”
I took a bite of my peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Then I chewed it a little. Then I opened my mouth wide so Emily could look inside.
“See?” I said. “Food!”
“Ewwww, gross!” Emily said.
“Stop trying to scare Emily,” Andrea told me.
“Hey, maybe Ms. Hall isn’t a real lunch lady,” I said. “Did you ever think of that?”
“What do you mean?” asked Alexia.
“Well,” I said, “maybe Ms. LaGrange wasn’t really sent back to France. Maybe Ms. Hall kidnapped her.”
“I’m scared,” said Emily.
“Yeah,” said Ryan. “Maybe Ms. Hall locked Ms. LaGrange up in the freezer. Stuff like that happens all the time, you know.”
“We’ve got to do something!” Emily shout
ed. And then she went running out of the room.
Sheesh! That girl will fall for just about anything.
“That wasn’t nice, Arlo!” Andrea told me.
“Well, she started it,” I replied. “She said she liked seafood.”
Actually I like seafood too. One time, Ryan and I were at his house playing video games, and we decided we were hungry for shrimp lo mein. So we decided to dig a hole to China so we could get Chinese food. We got a couple of feet down before we got tired and decided to go inside and play video games again. Ryan’s mom said we worked really hard, so she took us out for shrimp lo mein.
Yum! I love Chinese food. And the best part is, you don’t have to dig a hole to China to eat it.
While we were eating, Ms. Hall came over to our table. She was holding a big zucchini. It looked like a baseball bat.
“I just wanted to see how you kids were making out,” she said.
“Eww, gross!” we all shouted. “We’re not making out.”
“I wish I could convince you to eat healthier,” Ms. Hall told us. “You know, thousands of years ago, people didn’t have junk food. Cavemen actually had a very healthy diet.”
“And look what happened to them,” I told her. “They all died. Maybe if those cavemen ate some Twinkies, they’d still be around today.”
Why do grown-ups like veggies so much? We used to have a health teacher named Ms. Leakey. She opened up a restaurant called McLeakey’s that had nothing but apples. But then she was fired when she was caught sitting in a Dumpster eating junk food.
“How about tasting zucchini, dollface?” Ms. Hall said to me. “It’s delicious, and it’s good for you. Here, I’ll cut you a slice.”
Ms. Hall started cutting the zucchini into little pieces and passing them around. Only Andrea ate some.
I don’t get it. Why would a sliced zucchini taste any different than an unsliced zucchini? It’s still zucchini, any way you slice it.
“No thanks,” I said. “I’m sticking with junk food.”
“I’ll convince you, dollface,” she said. “I’m really good at that. But for now, I need to go run the dishwasher.”
What? A dishwasher can’t run. It doesn’t even have legs. And even if it did, why would you want it to run? I say dishwashers should stay in one place, like refrigerators.