“Oh, yeah? That’s great news.”
“It is. I decided to do the selfless thing and auction myself off.”
“But I thought you said you had too many things to do.”
“I excel at multitasking. Besides, I figured having me a part of the dating auction would give it a special edge that it didn’t have before.”
“Ah,” I said with one big nod. She didn’t sound conceited at all, did she?
“Let’s get started,” Molly said and reached down to a stack of notepads she had sitting beside her rocking chair. In the middle of grabbing one of them, her eyes drifted to the window to my left and then very casually back at me. It felt like she was waiting for someone. Owen, I imagined.
“What kind of questions are these, exactly? Like where I went to school?”
“No, nothing like that. Fun things.”
“I was my school’s mascot. Did you want to write that down?”
She gritted her teeth. “Ick, no.”
I sunk back into my seat, and under my breath muttered, “I thought it was pretty cool.”
“Why don’t you start by telling me some things about yourself?”
“Is this the part where I tell you I like long walks on the beach?”
“Do you like long walks on the beach?”
“I’m not sure. How much time would it have to be to be considered a long walk? Half hour? Two hours? Because I can’t say I’ve ever walked on the beach for two hours.”
The look on her face was that of someone who had run into the dumbest human being on the planet. “How about I ask the questions?”
“That’s a good idea,” I responded quickly like a good little girl. We hadn’t even formally begun the interview and already Molly thought I was stupid.
“Let’s do the basics. What do you look for in a guy?”
“A good sense of humor.”
Her eyes flipped to the back of her head. “Boring. Everybody says that.”
“Because it’s true. Have you ever tried dating a guy with no funny bone?”
“It’s a dull answer.”
“Maybe I’m a dull person. Write it down.”
Begrudgingly, she doodled down in her notebook. “How about first dates? Are you a candlelight dinner kind of girl or a rock concert kind of girl?”
“Can I say both?”
“Yes, you can. Having a blend of answers may actually get you more attention. That’s what some of the other girls did,” she said and tapped her finger on her pile of notepads.
“Can I see what they wrote?”
She flung her hands onto the pile and scolded me. “Absolutely not.”
“I’m not trying to steal answers. I’m just looking for some tips.”
“Their privacy must be protected at all costs.”
“It’s going to be read out loud, anyway.”
“No.”
“What is this, a competition? I’ve never done this before and I want to make sure I don’t sound like an idiot. Some girls could be talking about their beauty queen reigns and how they were valedictorian, and all anyone is going to read off my sheet is that I butter my toast horizontally instead of vertically.”
“Doesn’t everyone?”
“No, my grandma does it on her head,” I responded sarcastically.
Her eyes shrunk like she was trying to figure out if I was kidding. “Moving on. Any achievement you have to speak of?”
“I thought you weren’t going to ask stuff like that.”
“It doesn’t have to be about school.”
“You could write down that I’m a photographer.”
That actually got her excited as she wrote. “You get anything published in a magazine?”
What a buzzkill. “No.”
Her pen abruptly stopped moving across the paper, and her eyes went still. “How about we put that to the side for now?” She didn’t say it, but I could tell she didn’t think I was a real photographer. Worse yet, she didn’t even feel like she was fully present in our conversation because she kept looking out the window.
“Is there something I should know?” I asked.
“What?”
“You keep looking out the window. Are my answers really that boring?”
“I wasn’t looking out the window.”
“Liar, liar, pants on fire.”
“Well, excuse me. You were supposed to be here two hours ago and now it’s getting dark. You completely threw off my schedule.”
“I have my grandmother to take care of. Jeez.”
She flipped her hair and groaned. “Moving on.” If she said that one more time… “Any talents?”
“I guess you could say I’m artsy. I can play the clarinet and flute. I’m decent at drawing, and, of course, photography.” I swear she was snickering as she wrote this all down, like all my talents were too dorky for her auction. “You may as well throw in that I’m a vegetarian as well.”
“No offense, Cora, but these all make you sound really boring.”
“I’m sorry I haven’t walked away from any explosions in slow motion recently,” I responded, completely taking offense to what she said. “You’re asking me really basic questions. This is why I wanted a cheat sheet. I don’t know how to sell myself.”
“What is it that guys like about you?”
“If I knew that, I wouldn’t be such a crappy saleslady.”
“Maybe we’ll just play up your looks. How big are your boobs?”
“Whoa,” I blurted out, shocked. “I thought this was for charity.”
“I really need that leaky roof patched up.”
“I won’t whore myself out. Not even for the G.O.D.”
“Fine then,” she said and puffed out her chest. “So far, we have that you are a clarinet playing vegetarian who may or may not like long walks on the beach.”
“God, what a dweeb,” I joked, and involuntarily snorted. The irony was not lost on me there.
“I can do it. I can twist this into something good,” she spoke to herself. She sounded like an athlete gearing up for a big tournament. I wasn’t sure if I should be offended.
“Just play up my love of animals. If a guy treats his cat or dog the way he would his mother, we’re square.”
“You may want to not lay it so thick with the animal lover bit.”
“Why?”
“Because men don’t like crazy cat ladies.”
“Because I like cats, I’m now an old biddy in a rocking chair with fifteen of them sprawled around her? That doesn’t seem exactly fair.”
“I don’t make the rules.”
“And who does exactly?”
“God.”
I chortled, but Molly’s face was like stone and I cleared my throat quietly and uncomfortably. Molly was all over the place that I didn’t know if she was being sarcastic, or if her answer was serious. Owen did say Molly had found religion after their parents passed. It was a topic I mostly found awkward, and I could see how my uncomfortable laugh through the nose would look disrespectful when I didn’t mean it to. I’m about the last person to judge someone for their beliefs. I’m a vegetarian, for crying out loud.
“Well,” I said quietly and my voice sort of trailed off. How do you rebuttal a God response? It felt like one of those yes times infinity responses my cousin did when we were kids. The little twit. “I don’t think being an animal lover is a bad thing,” I finished.
“I never said it was, but being an animal lover is only ever really attractive when a guy says it.”
“What? No way.”
“It’s true. Women see images of men with golden retrievers on the beach playing catch, while men see lonely, single girls lying in bed with their cat and eating brownies.”
“I’ve only ever done that, like, five times.”
“I’m just saying.”
“Well, maybe I want a guy who is okay with my bed brownie eating.”
She didn’t look happy about it, but she wrote it down.
Sudd
enly, Molly’s eyes looked toward me very blankly, and then out of the blue she said, “You need to go.” It was so random that I couldn’t even blame myself for it. I couldn’t possibly have said something to make her want me gone.
“Uh, what just happened?”
A big false smile stretched along her face. “It’s late and I’m getting tired.”
“I just got here. We haven’t even come up with enough details to make me sound like a person, let alone an interesting one.”
“I can do it.”
“Are you a magician now?”
She tore out of her chair and pulled me off the couch. “It’s fine, really,” she said with such positivity, and a big glowing smile took over her face as she scooted me down the hallway. Molly was, suddenly, a ray of sunshine and even though she was talking to me covered in grins, there was no denying that she was throwing me out. “Thank you so much for your help. The answers you gave were good.” Molly pulled open the door and gestured with her hands for me to walk out. Now that she wanted me gone, my answers were, suddenly, great. I was going to get whiplash from how quickly she jerked me around.
As the front door slammed behind me and I stood there on the porch, I realized I had, in fact, just been kicked out of Molly’s house. Huh, what an interview that was. Molly took the lingering threads of my self-confidence, sliced them up with a knife and then threw them into a shredder for good measure.
“I’m awesome,” I said to myself to maintain my good mood, and then immediately had to look around and make sure no one heard me. No one was there, thankfully.
The sun was down and it was dark out within minutes. I knew the walk was going to be killer because the bugs came out in herds at night, but a really morbid part of me sort of enjoyed having mosquitoes biting me so I had something to scratch in the morning. I realize how disgusting that sounds, but I guess you could say it was the kid in me refusing to grow up.
“Ouch!” I yelped as one bit me hard. Boy, that wasn’t a normal mosquito bite at all. I think this thing wanted more than my blood; I think it was trying to devour my soul.
Other than that, the walk was surprisingly beautiful. The road was illuminated by the full moon and the weeds in the ditches on each side of me were filled with lightning bugs and noisy crickets. A walk this quiet would never happen in the city, that’s for sure. There was something charming about the only prominent noise in the area being the crunching of road stones rolling beneath my shoes.
And God, that full moon. It sure was a beauty. I don’t think I had ever seen one so big in my life. I felt like I could reach up and grab it if I so desired. How dumb was I, wasting my time taking pictures of common birds when there was this magnificent view of the moon between the trees. It was gorgeous.
The air around me was so quiet, I could have shouted up to the sky and been delusional enough to think my voice would make it to the moon. That’s how peaceful everything was.
Nature must have heard me complimenting its serenity, because before I could even finish that thought, I heard a ruckus going on behind me. I glanced over my shoulder and saw a dark figure standing in the center of the road. It was so dim that all I could see was the outline that the light of the moon created. It was tall enough for me to figure it was a person going out for a late night walk, or perhaps returning to his home from the store. Running into a stranger in the dead of night was a creepy scenario, I wasn’t gonna lie, but considering this was a nice neighborhood, I let my natural fears I had from living in the city slip into the back of my mind so I could continue my walk. From what I had gathered, everybody walked in these parts, either to the grocery store or to a neighbor’s for a visit, so it was pretty common. I didn’t think I was in danger of getting knifed.
I heard a loud, breathy puff like a horse was exhaling through its mouth and I ripped my head back around to see the cause. I had to adjust my eyes in the dark because I swore the figure was now on all fours when it had been standing upright just a mere second prior. That’s when this shadow made this strange barking noise that was short and deep. I stopped breathing when I realized this wasn’t a person out for a late night stroll, but an animal, and a very large one at that. I feared it was some kind of bear that was going to chase me down and have me for dinner, but something about the shape didn’t click with that thought. Even though I couldn’t see clearly, I could tell its fur was long like a shaggy dog, but its size was not consistent with some household pet. I wanted to know what it was, but I was also not in the mood to be this thing’s supper.
What the hell was it?
I panicked and tried to search my memory bank for any tips I had learned about dealing with wild animals. The only thing that sprang to my mind was not to run, as the second you do, it’s practically an invite for them to chase you. I took that to mind and stepped backward, hoping my discrete and slow movements wouldn’t alert the animal to my presence.
But it did.
I was in absolute shock as this animal rose to its hind legs and stood upright like it were a person. It threw its head back and began howling at the moon with this long whaling call that sounded so eerily familiar to what I had heard many nights ago. The moonlight poured down onto this figure, and for the first time, I was able to get a clear image of it, and it scared the living daylights out of me. Sharp, long fangs protruded from its open mouth, the tips dripping with thick saliva. Its ears were tall and pointed with wisps of gray fur peeking out from his ear canal like some kind of demented rabbit. Its arms were able to rise to its midsection, but not any higher, with dagger-like claws and black draping fur that took over its entire body. I had never seen a creature like this before in my life. The shape of its face was that of a wolf, but the sheer size of it was like a bear. This was not normal. Not normal at all.
It dropped back on its front paws and in a predatory fashion, turned its neck real slow till it was facing me directly. Its face was black as coal except for a pair of blue eyes peering out from behind the mass of darkened fur. These eyes gazed for a long period of time, staring in both an inquisitive fashion and that of primal dedication. The strangest feeling in the world is having an animal size you up, all the while giving you a look as though it understands your complete and utter helplessness. It was like it was acknowledging what I already knew; I was beyond screwed.
I was paralyzed with fear. If I ran, surely it would chase me, but standing here frozen like an idiot didn’t feel like an option, either. The ludicrousness of this animal’s existence didn’t have time to sink into my brain because I was too petrified to process it. Getting out of here in one piece was at the top of my priorities list. Nothing else.
That’s when I heard another howl. It was high and sharp like a whistle, and it echoed from a distance of maybe a few miles. There was another.
There was no way I was about to have a handicap match with these two animals. As scared as I was over one of these things, the last thing I needed was its wife joining in on the fun. I swallowed deeply, trying to muster up the courage, and then I booked it out of there as fast as I could—the consequences could kiss my ass. I tried my damnedest to run faster than I had ever in my life, but within seconds, I heard that beast growling and coming after me. Realizing this thing was now charging, my legs turned to jelly and I felt like a toddler taking their first steps. I ran and ran and ran, all while the animal snarled and hissed like it was frustrated it hadn’t caught me right away. I was far too fearful to even humor looking back at it. The only thing keeping me going was the delusion that I could lose this beast at any moment.
Oh, God, I was going to die. This thing was going to crawl onto my back, knock me to the ground, and then devour me. And no one would know. No one would hear.
“Help!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. There weren’t a lot of people in this area, but damn it, someone had to hear me. The snarling got louder in my ear and I swear I could hear its teeth chomping like it was attempting to bite at the back of my legs. I was so frightened, I thought I was goi
ng to keel over and die right then and there. The animal wouldn’t even get the satisfaction of getting my last breath as it punctured my lungs. The chase alone was going to be the end of me.
But then, as though a light from the heavens shined down upon me, a tiny log cabin appeared, lit up like a candle in the darkness of the forest. If my breath wasn’t already cut short from the running, the sight of this would most definitely have taken it away. It truly was a saving grace.
“Help me!” I yelled toward the house as though it were a person capable of responding to me. “Somebody open the door!” I leapt through the bushes and completely tore up my legs from the jagged branches, and then jumped onto the porch and desperately pounded on the front door. I didn’t know who lived here or if they were a serial killer, even. I just knew I didn’t want to be eaten alive. My adrenaline was out of control as I beat the living crap out of that door. The animal that had been on my tail the whole time somehow wasn’t on that porch with me, but I was too afraid to jinx it by looking back to see if it was still there.
Suddenly, the door opened and a burst of inside light hit my retinas. I practically flew into the home and shoved the man at the door further inside so I could slam the door shut behind me. I couldn’t believe it. I had made it. I was alive.
“What the hell is going on?” he called. At first, I was in too much of a panic to notice it was Max from the woods. Normally, that would have been a disappointment, but I was so happy to be alive that I could have proposed to him right on the spot. “What do you think you’re doing?” he continued on. It was obvious the look of horrific fear in my eyes was not registering to him. I couldn’t be sure how I looked, but I definitely knew how I felt. I was petrified.
“Some animal just tried to kill me!” I screamed.
“Animal?”
“Yes!”
“What kind of animal?”
“A wolf or… oh, God, I don’t know what the hell that was!”
“Calm down, all right?”
“Calm down?! I almost died back there! That wolf tried to kill me!”
He cocked his head to the side. “Wolves don’t attack people.”
Lunar Rampage Page 8