by Zina Abbott
“Most of the non-coms think highly of you, Annie. We always drew straws to see who would get to have you as their washerwoman. We knew you did fine work getting clothes clean. They don’t hold Daniel against you.”
“I thank you for your kind words, Isaiah.” What Annie didn’t say was that even if the sergeants didn’t hold Daniel being her husband against her, she worried about how they regarded her son, Samuel. He had been such a terror at the fort, and it was often the non-commissioned officers who were tasked with dealing with him.
“Truth be known, Annie, most of them men can’t dance, neither, so don’t you worry none about stepping on their feet. You need to worry about your own feet. Mostly, they just want to hold a woman in their arms and step in circles in time to the music.”
Annie couldn’t hold back her giggle. Instinctively, she covered her mouth in embarrassment.
“So, you’ll come with me, Annie? After you get Miss Clayton all fixed up for the lieutenant and you do your part in the kitchen, will you come with me to the Sergeant’s Ball?”
Isaiah bit the inside of his lip while he watched Annie consider his invitation. He knew he had persuaded her when slowly, a shy smile spread across her face.
“I’d be right proud to go to the Sergeant’s Ball with you, Isaiah.”
Annie’s next thought concerned the length of gray wool Thea had given her for a new dress. Thea had offered the fabric on the pretext of it being a gift in consideration for Annie agreeing to chaperone Victoria. Annie had worried that it was charity. Yet, there was no denying that neither of the two winter dresses she had brought from the fort were suitable for someone chaperoning a young woman of Victoria Clayton’s station.
But, now the prospect of wearing that new dress for Isaiah while attending a party with him excited her. She wondered if she had enough white cotton left to make a nice collar and cuffs. Maybe for an edging, Thea might still have some lace left over that Annie could borrow until the next time they went to town and she could buy a length to replace it.
“What are you thinking about, Annie?” Isaiah’s teasing voice brought Annie back to the present.
“Wool-gatherin’, I reckon.”
A comfortable silence settled between them as they stood and studied each other’s face. As usual, except for the hint of a smile, Annie refused to allow her face to show much of how she felt. But, she was able to read Isaiah’s face just fine. His smile was wider and his eyes danced as they studied her. She found it slightly unnerving, because she knew she was not a particularly attractive woman and she felt big as an ox. Yet, he did not seem to be discouraged by her looks. She could tell he was happy to be in her presence, and that pleased her to no end. His face wore the expression that was often worn by the Isaiah Jenkins that regularly turned up in her dreams.
“Annie, you got a warm shawl or cape or something? I’d like us to step out on the back stoop a spell, maybe look at the moon on the snow. I got another reason why I come here tonight. There’s something else I’ve been hankering to talk with you about. But, I don’t want to be caught off guard if the youngsters finish up their caroling early before I get it all said.”
“My shawl will be fine if we’re not out too long.”
Annie could tell that Isaiah was nervous about whatever it was that he wanted to say to her. When he reached for his buffalo coat, she stopped him.
“Let that stay and dry, Isaiah. Mr. Clayton’s got a barn coat he leaves hung on a hook on the back porch. It’s behind the stovepipe, so it don’t get too cold even a-hangin’ outside. I’ll bring it in and warm it over the stove a mite. He won’t mind.”
Annie did as she suggested and Isaiah slipped his arms into the jacket. Even though Virgil Clayton was only a few inches taller than his wife, he was a taller man than Isaiah. The cuffs and bottom hem fit long on Isaiah. However, the jacket advertised its owner’s build in the shoulders because there it fit Isaiah only slightly loose.
With a hand at the back of Annie’s waist, Isaiah guided her through the door to the back porch and quietly closed the door behind him. He nudged her toward the edge so they could see the moonlight reflecting off the snowy yard. He stopped at the first hint of breeze beyond the windbreak created by the partial enclosure of the porch. For a moment they stood side by side gazing out at the winter wonderland. Annie didn’t know which she enjoyed more: the scene before her or the feel of Isaiah’s arm around her waist.
“Annie, you know when I come here last fall I told you somewhat of what I got planned for my future. I’m still moving in that direction. Lt. Preston asked me was I going to re-up another hitch and I told him I didn’t reckon so, but I’d see as time went on. Don’t want to shoot myself in the foot, so to speak.”
“That sounds best, Isaiah,” Annie ventured to fill the silence as Isaiah paused. But, she sensed it was best not to say anything else. Isaiah would tell her what he had to say in his own time.
“I still want to get out of the Army, Annie. I figure I need to learn how to work with livestock on a ranch, not just what takes place once cattle gets to the fort. Please don’t say nothing, but that’s what I hope to talk to Mr. Clayton about come the day after Christmas. I don’t muster out until August, and I don’t figure he can promise me anything this far ahead. But I decided to sound him out, maybe put the thought in his head for him to think on between now and then.”
“He’s a good man, Isaiah. If he has need of another ranch hand then, I’m sure he’ll hire you on.”
Annie didn’t dare say anything else to either encourage or discourage Isaiah. She didn’t know all the details, but she had heard enough spoken by the Claytons to know that earlier that year in September, about two months after Annie had been hired, the financial depression that had struck the nation further depressed the prices Mr. Clayton could get for his beef. Annie suspected that his contract with Fort Laramie was one of the few things that had saved him. The cowhands who already worked for Mr. Clayton gave him a good day’s work for their day’s pay, probably sensing that if he cut them loose, they would end up on the grub line and find it hard to get on with another brand.
“I’m hoping he’ll consider it, even if it’s only for a short spell,” Isaiah continued. “Like I told you before, Annie, with the Homestead Act and all, I’m hoping to get my own place, especially if I can find one close to government grazing land, start my own little ranch. I want to get settled to a point I can get a family started, Annie, live like a whole man. If I can find me a wife who’ll marry an old codger like me, that is.”
“I’ll marry you, Isaiah. I’d be right proud to give you a family.”
At her words, Isaiah turned to face Annie.
Horrified by what she had just said, Annie pulled away from Isaiah. She sucked in her breath and clamped a hand over her mouth. Speechless with embarrassment, she stared at him.
How could she have said that? How could she have been so bold and impulsive? What must Isaiah think of her, speaking so brazenly?
The worst part of it was, she knew better.
Annie had learned from bitter experience not to be impulsive with her feelings toward a man. That was what had happened with Daniel. She had been terribly young, just barely sixteen. In spite her father’s warning that the Murdocks were a rotten bunch and ignoring his demand that she stay away from them, especially Daniel, she, with her quiet, shy ways, had felt drawn to Daniel Murdock. Daniel, with his frequent laughter and outgoing, playful manner had appealed to her. Back then, she fancied herself in love with him.
As soon as she learned he had enlisted as a Union soldier, she started pining for him before he was even gone. She had thrown caution and her father’s warning to the wind that last Sunday afternoon before he left. She agreed to meet Daniel alone in the woods between their two houses to see him in his uniform and to say good-bye to him.
Annie had met Daniel in the secluded glade as he had asked her to. They had talked a short while before he started to coax her, begging for a good-bye kiss be
fore he went off to war.
With the same kind of thoughtless, brazen impulse she had just shown when she said what she just said to Isaiah, Annie had thrown her arms around Daniel’s neck and given him her heartfelt kiss. For only a moment, she had felt the joy and wonder of their romantic embrace. Then, he began to press his lips hard against her mouth. The pressure of him pushing her lips against her teeth sent darts of pain along the inside of her mouth. She had tried to pull her face away from his, but he refused to allow it. Instead, he acted like he was trying to force her mouth open so he could stick his tongue inside.
Annie had not been prepared for that. She had suspected that kind of physical expression of affection was not acceptable until after a man and a woman had stood before the preacher and said their marriage vows. Or, at least not until they were promised to each other. Annie had twisted her face to the side and begged Daniel to stop. He had responded by laughing. Then he had grabbed her chin and forced her head back. He resumed the assault on her mouth.
Then, Annie had grown truly frightened. She knew this was not how it was supposed to be between a man and a woman in love. She had pulled her arms from his neck and pressed her palms against his shoulders in an attempt to push him away. He refused to let her go. As big as she was, she had not been strong enough to break his hold on her. When she had managed to turn her head to the side a second time, she had begged him to stop and let her go. Without a word he had bullied her to the ground, tugged her skirt up, and forced himself upon her. That was how she had gotten Samuel.
Later, when she had asked him why, he had told her it was her fault. She had thrown herself at him with her kiss.
Yes, Annie had learned the hard way not to act impulsively with a man just because he behaved as though he thought well of her. And here she had gone and made the same kind of mistake with Isaiah Jenkins. Granted, he was a different man—a better man—than Daniel. But what he must think of her being so forward! Now, he would probably want nothing to do with her. Either that, or he would feel honor-bound to ask for her hand.
What if he ended up spending the rest of his life resenting being stuck with her for a wife the same way Daniel had felt about having her for a wife? She could not bear it if that were to happen again.
Isaiah dropped his arm that had been about Annie’s waist. A look of puzzlement flitted across his face as he tried to figure out what had upset her. Did she not realize how much her words had thrilled him? He had worried himself almost to the point of distraction the last several months wondering when the time would be right for him to ask her to marry him. Her words told him she was ready. But, her actions left him thinking there was something wrong. But, what?
“Annie?” Isaiah tentatively reached toward her.
“I’m so sorry,” Annie said with a hoarse whisper. “I spoke out of turn. I had no right to presume...”
“No, Annie, no. Don’t feel bad.” Carefully, Isaiah moved his hand toward her as if coaxing a frightened, injured animal to trust him. He kept his voice soft. “You didn’t say nothing wrong. You got no idea how happy you saying that makes me.” Isaiah continued his slow approach until once more his arm circled her back at the waist. He carefully stepped closer to her and tightened his grip.
“Truly?” Annie whispered. “I had no call a-throwin’ myself at you like that. I’m sorry.”
“Annie.” Isaiah rested his forehead against hers. “I love you. Have for years. It makes me feel proud that you’re willing to be my wife. With Daniel not being gone a year, yet, I been debating about when to speak to you about us marrying.. I just didn’t know if you was ready for me to chance bringing it up.”
His words intensified Annie’s sense of guilt. She was expected to observe a year of mourning. Yet, she knew that in her heart she did not mourn the passing of Daniel Murdock. Not even for the sake of her children had she grieved for him.
Noting her hesitation, Isaiah continued, “I’m more than willing to take on your youngsters, Annie, so don’t go worrying on that account. I’d like having one or two of my own, but, if that’s not going to happen, I’m happy with your two.”
“I reckon I could give you your own babies, Isaiah.”
“I wasn’t so sure, what with Arletta getting on in years and she’s your last.”
“I started two after her. One, Daniel left us to report for duty without a-bringin’ us along. Things got real bad for us for a spell, and, well, I lost the baby. The second time was after I got on as a laundress. I lost that one when Daniel was drunk and mad. He kicked me just right, and...” Annie shook her head. “After that, I wasn’t willing to have no more youngsters. It was too hard to take care of the two I had.
“Then, when the, ah, you know—the diseases that went around the fort from the men who were a-visitin’ the hog ranch and such—well, I knew Daniel was a-keepin’ company with some of them women. I got afeared, Isaiah. I got afeard that if he brung something home to me and I got too sick to work, there’d be no one a-takin’ care of Samuel and Arletta. I’m not proud to say it, but when he did show up at my door at night, I did my best to refuse Daniel his husbandly rights. That’s why there’s no youngsters after Arletta.”
Annie shuddered as she thought back on those times Daniel had come to her when he wasn’t on duty and didn’t find a willing bed partner anywhere else. Each time she refused him, it had earned her a beating. But, as her pain gradually subsided and her bruises faded, she had reconciled herself with the belief that she could heal from a split lip and a black eye more easily than from the French pox.
“You need to know this, Isaiah. I’m no one special to be put on some pedestal because I didn’t leave Daniel. If there’d been anywhere I could’ve gone and made it with my youngsters, I’d of done it. If the Army had transferred him somewhere else, I’d of stayed on at the fort as a laundress rather than follow him again.”
As soon as she said that, Annie shivered. She had tried to stay at the fort when Daniel left her by dying, but the Army hadn’t let her stay for long.
Isaiah struggled to suppress the fury he felt toward Daniel Murdock. Even though the man was dead, Isaiah hated him for the neglect and abuse he had piled upon this woman he loved, his sweet Annie. He hoped there was a special kind of hell for a man like that. For now, though, he wanted to focus on claiming for himself the woman he had longed for over the past years, the woman of his dreams.
“I swear to you, Annie, I won’t never do you like that. I’ve been waiting too long, searching for years for the right woman to be my wife. It’s you, Annie Murdock.”
“Truly, Isaiah? You’d truly think on a-marryin’ me, a-knowin’ what you know?”
“Truly, Annie. I want to marry you more than anything, if you’ll have me. I promise I’ll take care of you and your youngsters, never treat you the way Daniel done. We’ll build us a good life together, you and me. I know I’m not much, but I’m asking you to marry me, Annie. I just hope one day you’ll learn to love me, too, as much as I love you.”
“Oh, Isaiah!” Annie sobbed. “I already love you. I’ve loved you far longer than what I had a right to.” Annie buried her face in her hands, ashamed at her admission.
“No, no, Annie, don’t feel that way. It’s all right. Come here.”
Isaiah pulled Annie into his arms. He held her as close as he could with her arms pressed tight to her front and her hands covering her face. “A body can’t always control what they feel, only what they do about it. I’m not proud I’ve been in love with another man’s wife all these years. But, I done my best to not bring you no dishonor because of it. And you always behaved seemly, Annie. From all I’ve heard and seen, you always acted proper.”
“Sometimes I just knew folks were a-lookin’ at me and a-seein’ nothin’ but a fool for a-marryin’ him.”
And that had been exactly how she had felt most of the time, from the time she had stood before the preacher and said “I do.”
By the time Daniel had come home after his first six months�
�� enlistment was up, she had realized she no longer loved him. It had shamed her to know her father had been right about Daniel all along, and she had been foolish to ignore his warning. But, at least her father had done right by her no matter his disappointment in her. It was her father who found Daniel when he mustered out. It was her father, shotgun in hand, who had seen to it Daniel stood before the preacher with her and make an honest woman of her. It was her father who had wrangled away the enlistment bonus Daniel had earned for joining up to fight another three years. That little bit of money had given her something to live on while Daniel, and then later her father, were gone to war.
By then, Annie had not wanted to marry him. But, at the time she had decided she preferred the embarrassment and discouragement of having chosen a husband poorly over the humiliation her and Daniel’s child would have faced being born illegitimate.
“Some may think you could’ve done better,” Isaiah admitted. “Some felt you didn’t owe your husband a thing considering the way he done you. But, most felt you were an honorable woman who done what was right, no matter what. They respect you for that, Annie.”
Annie looked up, searching his face.
“Truly, Isaiah? They don’t think all that poorly of me?”
“That’s how I see it, and I’m not alone. It’s one of the reasons I fell in love with you years ago. I wouldn’t of showed you no disrespect by acting on my feelings, Annie, but I can’t deny I had them. I felt right proud that the woman I loved chose to honor her obligation, even to a worthless husband like Private Murdock.”
Annie turned her head and stared out at the snow-covered yard. Her hands relaxed as she considered Isaiah’s words.
“It wasn’t him I owed the obligation to as much as to God, once I spoke the vows before the preacher. Besides, I had Samuel and Arletta to consider. I had to do my part to raise them up the best I could. It wouldn’t have done Samuel good for me to make his pa out to be less of a man than he already made himself out to be.”
“Annie, come to me,” Isaiah coaxed. He wrapped his hands around her wrists and gently pulled them toward his shoulders. He let go only when she, of her own volition, slid her arms forward and draped them around his neck. With one hand, he gently pressed her cheek next to the side of his face before he circled her back with his arms and pulled her tight against him.