Rocky Mountain Mayhem

by Joan Rylen

  “What a whirlwind, Viv,” Wendy said. “You almost go down for murder in Mexico, get divorced, he gets married, you get a hookup, and you drop the hookup for a jackass.”

  “That’s my life.”

  “Yet you’re still smiling. Amazing,” Kate said, patting Vivian’s shoulder.

  “That’s just me.”

  It started snowing again as they passed a 6 percent grade sign and then one indicating a runaway truck ramp ahead.

  “Oh-oh, maybe we’ll see a ramp in use!” Lucy said.

  “What are you talking about?” Kate asked.

  “You’ll see one in a few miles. They’re only on the downhill and are for 18-wheelers that have burned up their brakes. I’ve always wanted to see a truck plow into one. I’ll stay behind trucks when I smell their brakes burning.”

  “You’re so weird sometimes,” Vivian said. “Wanting to see a truck in trouble.”

  “Not in total trouble. They’d be saved! I just know the snow would fly everywhere as they barrel into it. It’d be awesome!”

  Snow swirled in the wind and it was difficult to see 10 feet in front of them.

  “Where are we?” Wendy asked.

  “Close to Independence Pass.” Lucy slowed to five miles an hour and put the SUV in four-wheel drive.

  “Do I need to pull out my camera and get footage for I Shouldn’t Be Alive?” Vivian asked nervously.

  “No, I’ll get us there in one piece. It just may take longer than we expected.”

  It was now almost a total whiteout and although Vivian couldn’t see anything, she could feel the tires loose traction a time or two. Dear Lord, I hope so. I don’t want the SPS raising my children.

  “Let me tell y’all about my babies,” Kate said sweetly.

  “Babies!” Vivian said, happy for the diversion.

  “Shaun and I adopted two standard poodles, Max and Bear.” Kate pulled out her phone and showed Wendy and Vivian pictures.

  “They look like cute, cuddly teddy bears,” Wendy said. “I bet they’re smart.”

  “They can do lots of tricks already. My favorite is putting a treat on their nose and making them wait to eat it.”

  “Torture,” Vivian said, then she asked Lucy, “So how ya doing with the driving and seeing the road, because I can’t see a damn thing.” That wasn’t entirely true. She could see the faint brake lights of a vehicle in front of them, but she couldn’t tell how far in front of them.

  “Ah, it’s lightening up a bit. I’m okay. I promise not to go careening off the side of this mountain just yet.”

  “Beer me, please,” Vivian said to Wendy in the back, handing her the empty.

  “Maybe we should go ahead and break out the champagne,” Wendy said. “If we’re not going to make it, we might as well go out in style.”

  “No!” Lucy insisted. “We’re saving that for the room.”

  The tension in the SUV built — Lucy concentrating, Vivian drinking, Kate praying and Wendy cursing — as they descended a thousand feet and finally made it out of the blizzard-like conditions. The snow eventually stopped altogether and Lucy took an abrupt turn onto a two lane road.

  “What’s with the turn?” Vivian asked, bracing herself on the console and door handle. “Another road sneak up on you?”

  Lucy gave her a grin. “No, I just had an idea and we’re making a detour.”

  “Exciting!” Wendy clapped.

  Kate leaned forward in her seat. “Where are you taking us?”

  “You’ll see, we’ll be there soon,” Lucy said and clicked on her right blinker.

  Soon was an understatement, as the Blue Spruce Winery came into sight. Lucy pulled in and threw the SUV in park. “Winter weather treachery equals wine-tasting debauchery!”

  The log cabin tasting room nestled among the spruce trees was a great surprise to Vivian and she was ready to be out of the car. She opened her door. “I can’t wait.”

  “It is kinda tucked away,” Wendy said, shutting her door. “But it’s a welcome sight after that harrowing mountain drive.”

  “I second that,” Kate said, then had Lucy, Vivian and Wendy pose beside a wine bottle-shaped entrance sign. “Say wine and cheese!” Snap!

  The crackling flames from a tall, generous fireplace greeted the four as they stepped through a pair of heavy wooden doors, trimmed in cast bronze door knobs. A middle aged woman dressed in a tweedy blazer poured wine for a couple. Delicate displays of expensive looking bottles lined the stone-clad walls, and medals adorned several magnums.

  An older gentleman sporting a gray beard and burgundy ascot greeted the girls. He suggested they take a tour, personally guided by him, before tasting. He explained as he walked that the winery grew grapes on the estate, but they brought in several varietals from southwestern Colorado. He led them past the sorting area where the grapes were brought in at fall harvest, and he continued on past five stainless steel tanks where the award-winning Sauvignon Blanc aged. The air temperature dropped in conjunction with the low ceilings, and the walls closed in more and more until they stood in the middle of a damp room stacked floor to ceiling with oak barrels, aging varietals of red wine for a minimum of three years.

  “This is awesome,” Kate said, studying the structural integrity of the load-bearing rose-red, granite walls.

  “The cave is cool, but having this as part of the winery, even better,” Wendy said, clearly impressed with the operation.

  “I’m ready to do some tasting,” Lucy said, rubbing her hands together in anticipation.

  “Me, too!” Vivian said.

  Ascot escorted them to the tasting room and poured the Sauvignon Blanc first.

  Wendy picked up the glass and swirled it around, took a big whiff, then sipped it while sucking in air.

  “What’s up with all the suckin’ goin’ on over there?” Vivian asked.

  “I’m just appreciating the craft of wine making and the products thereof,” Wendy explained.

  “Do I need to suck in air?” Kate asked, swirling her wine like Wendy had.

  “Yes,” Wendy said. “The air opens up the bouquet, and you get a fuller taste. It will please your palette more exquisitely.”

  “Who are you and when did you turn into such a wine snob?” Vivian asked before taking a big gulp sans sucking.

  “Hey, I made an A in wine appreciation in college. It was the best class. Ever.”

  Vivian turned to Kate. “I’m surprised you’re partaking, Mrs. Might Be Prego.”

  “Just a sip of each,” Kate said with a wink.

  Ascot served four more varietals, describing them along the way. Each girl bought a bottle of her favorite. On their way out they took a short trail that led to a scenic overlook.

  “Ahhhh! Help!” Vivian joked, clinging onto a large boulder that dropped to another, just a few feet down, but from the other girls’ viewpoint it looked much more dangerous, as if she could fall to her death.

  “Oh my gosh, that’s a Kodak moment!” Lucy yelled, looking around for something stationary to set her camera on. She found a downed tree that allowed the camera angle to perfectly project the death and destruction she was shooting for.

  “This is going to be so funny!” Kate giggled, fake clinging to the boulder next to Vivian.

  Wendy fake-clung, too, and Lucy set the timer for 10 seconds.

  “Hurry, it’s blinking!” Kate yelled as Lucy ran into place.

  She posed just in time for the flash, then jumped back up and checked the preview. “It’s perfect. We’re one-shot wonders!”

  They took turns snapping a few more funny pictures and ‘falling’ off the cliff, then they returned to the car and piled in.

  Vivian opened the door to the passenger’s seat, but changed her mind. “I’m sittin’ next to the bar backseat. Oops, I mean the backseat bar!”

  Lucy, who had kept the tastes to a minimum, said, “Altitude ladies! You’ll get drunk faster, you gotta be careful.”

  “Ha!” Vivian opened the cooler lid.
“Little late for that.”

  5

  THE snow returned in earnest on the drive into Aspen. They slipped and slid a little but made it to The Yellow Aspen Hotel without plummeting, spiraling or bringing injury to themselves, others or the SUV.

  Lucy handed over the keys to the valet who ushered them inside and then unloaded their luggage, including their backseat bar. The century-old building was boxy on the outside, but stunningly elegant inside.

  Kate, being an architect, pointed out structural and design details to Vivian and Wendy while Lucy checked them in.

  “You know I’ll never remember what you just told me, right?” Vivian said and giggled.

  Kate shrugged her shoulders. “This is a cool old place.”

  The bellman held the door to the elevator open for the girls before getting in with the excess of luggage.

  “We’re in 607,” Lucy announced, pushing the 6, then she passed a keycard to each girl.

  The corner room was flanked with tall, divided windows that showcased views of the mountains in two directions. The blue and white patterned bedspreads reminded Vivian of her grandmother’s China. Same Blue Willow pattern almost exactly.

  The bellman unloaded the luggage cart and asked if they’d like anything else. Wendy handed him a tip and said no thanks, as Vivian made a beeline for the bathroom.

  When she emerged, Lucy was inspecting all of the furniture in the room. As an interior designer, she was always checking out other people’s designs. She stopped at the antique desk and ran her fingers along the top then said, “Look, they even have fresh flowers in the room.”

  “We’re high-falutin’ now!” Wendy said, unpacking her suitcase.

  Kate pulled one of the flowers out of the vase. “Nice touch with the tulips.”

  Vivian wasn’t all that excited about the tulips. Unfortunately, the once favorite flower now reminded her of something she’d rather forget.

  “Came with the room,” Lucy said, taking the tulip from Kate and putting it in her mouth, then snapping her fingers. “Olé!”

  Vivian laughed and opened the cooler and pulled out the champagne. She unwrapped the foil liner and loosened the cage. Pop! The cork flew across the room smacked into the window with a thud.

  “Thank goodness that didn’t break the antique glass,” Kate said.

  “That would have been unfortunate, but what about my eyeballs? Hello!” Lucy said. “I would have to wear an eye patch and live my life like a pirate! Arrggggh!”

  “You’re not a professional champagne popper like me,” Wendy said.

  “Yeah, but at least there wasn’t a hot Mexican diving into my boobs like last time,” Vivian said with a laugh, then handed the bottle to Lucy who held the glasses.

  “Have you heard from Arturo at all?” Kate asked.

  “Nah,” Vivian answered. “I doubt I ever will. That’s okay with me, honestly. I’d prefer to leave what happened in Mexico, in Mexico.”

  Lucy filled their rocks glasses with champagne. Vivian watched the bubbles float to the top, then pop back down, revealing the glass to be only a quarter full.

  “Let’s have a toast,” Kate said.

  They held up their glasses.

  “To our second girls’ getaway. Mountains, mi amigas and many memories.”

  The girls finished off their post-check-in champagne, freshened up and then decided to do a little shopping before dinner. They headed down the main drag in Aspen.

  Some of the stores were closed because it was, as Lucy reminded them, “mud season.” Vivian could tell by window-shopping that the stores that were open would be expensive. The first was a foofy-la-la boutique with clothing, a large glass jewelry case and wall display of sequined and bejeweled purses.

  “Heyzoos Kristo,” Vivian said, looking at the price tag on a purse, then dropping it promptly. “Where’s the sales rack?”

  Kate flitted around the store with a saleslady who placed several items into a dressing room for her. The other girls sat in the comfy chairs placed around the dressing area and waited while she changed.

  Kate emerged in a flowy Maxi dress. The halter accentuated her long neck and slender shoulders. The white dress and purple flowers looked great against her skin. Vivian knew it was a keeper.

  “Kate, that looks beautiful on you. You have to get it!”

  “It would hide a baby bump,” Wendy said and gave her a smile.

  “I don’t know, it’s pretty expensive,” Kate said.

  “When has that ever stopped you?” Lucy teased.

  Kate tried on a few more dresses, but none was as spectacular as the first. She bought it and added a lovely silver necklace.

  Along the way to the next store, Vivian stopped to throw away a piece of gum. She pushed on the trash can lid but it didn’t open. She looked at the contraption and pushed on it again.

  “How the hell does this work?”

  Lucy laughed at her. “It’s bear-proof. You’re not in Texas anymore, ladies.”

  Lucy pushed a secret lever and the lid opened. Vivian tossed her gum in, then tried the lever herself.

  “Hmmm, okay,” she said. “They really need instructions on these things.”

  Wendy stepped into a t-shirt shop on the corner and poked her head back out. “Y’all come in here, they have all kinds of stuff that’s more in our price range.”

  Vivian followed Lucy and Kate into the store with its t-shirts, mugs, magnets, etc. A full-grown, taxidermied black bear stood in a corner and Vivian walked over to him. “Let’s take a picture with him, he’s cute!”

  “He’s not cute, he looks like he wants to rip your head off,” Wendy said, but she walked over anyway.

  Lucy and Kate joined them, too, and Vivian asked another shopper to take their picture.

  Instead of saying cheese, they threw up their hands and growled, doing their best “imbearination.”

  “Thanks so much,” Lucy said to the impromptu photographer.

  Photo-op out of the way, the girls got to shopping. “Oh, look,” Vivian said. “I can afford stuff in here.” She picked out stuffed animals for Audrey, Lauren, Olivia and Ben and took them to the counter. She noticed Wendy reading the label on a can of bear spray.

  “Who’s afraid of the big bad bear?” Vivian joked.

  Wendy abruptly put the bear spray down. “I was just checkin’ it out. Trash cans got me thinking.”

  “Uhhh huh.”

  “I’ve got to find something for Lizzie.”

  “Well that ain’t it,” Vivian smirked. “Might I recommend one of these silky smooth stuffed animals?” She opened her bag to reveal the moose, porcupine, otter and fox she had just purchased.

  “Cute. I’ll go check it out.”

  “Okay, we’ll meet you next door at the art gallery.”

  Wendy caught up with Vivian, Kate and Lucy a few minutes later and showed off her purchase of a baby bear stuffed animal. “Found it fitting,” she said.

  “Check out the naked Indian,” Vivian giggled as Wendy put away the bear.

  “He’s not naked,” she replied. “He has a little bitty square covering his ding-a-ling.”

  “Well, I imagine there’s something interesting going on under there. Who sculpted this? A man or a woman?”

  Lucy read the bronze nameplate. “William Neff. I’m guessing that’s a man.”

  “It’s gotta be big then. Men tend to exaggerate.”

  Kate laughed. “If Shaun was sculpted, they wouldn’t allow kids in.”

  “Oh, really,” Wendy said with a butt bump. “No wonder you’re almost two years in and not complaining.”

  Kate just smiled and turned to a painting of aspen trees.

  The girls admired more of the paintings and Mr. Neff’s various (semi) naked sculptures before heading back to the hotel to freshen up for dinner.

  Lucy sprinted ahead and reached the hotel elevator first. She frantically pushed the button. “I gotta use el bathroom-ola.”

  “You know, hitting the butt
on does not make the elevator come any faster,” Vivian said.

  “It makes me feel better!” Lucy said, as she pushed the button three more times.

  After letting Lucy into the room Vivian threw her purse onto the bed and took a deep breath. “Y’all smell that?”

  “Smell what?” Kate asked. “My sinuses are stopped up. I need to use my neti pot.” She then explained the saline-up-the-nose device.

  “That’s disgusting,” Vivian said.

  “It works,” Kate responded. “My allergies are practically nonexistent now. And you know they used to be horrific.”

  “Probably from growing up in the Get-Down and being around those nasty, germy cockroaches,” Lucy yelled from behind the closed door.

  “First, my mom kept a very clean house. Second, I’m allergic to way more than cockroaches. However, on my skin test those came up as mega-allergic.”

  “You can get a brain-eating amoeba from flushing your nose out like that,” Vivian said.

  “Y’all are grossing me out,” Wendy shivered. “Enough!”

  Vivian ran her fingers up Wendy’s arm in an insect-like motion. “My mom broke her toe running from a cockroach. Those suckers can fly.”

  Wendy swatted at her. “I like to stomp ’em and smush ’em. Pop.”

  “Enough insect talk, ladies,” Lucy said, coming out of the restroom and throwing her hands up. “What am I supposed to be smelling?” She took a long sniff of the air. “Cuz all I smell are cleaning products, which is my favorite scent.”

  “It smelled like men’s cologne to me when I first walked in the door, like the kind Craig wears,” Vivian said. “I don’t smell it anymore. I must be imagining things.”

  “I don’t smell anything, and my sniffer works just fine,” Wendy said.

  “Let’s get ready to go out. Layer up, ladies,” Lucy said. “It’ll get chilly tonight.” She set out a tank top, dark purple cashmere sweater and gray wool coat.

  Vivian pulled a red, short-sleeved shirt out of her suitcase. “I’m not a layer girl. I’m going to have to find something else to warm me up tonight.”

  “Did you see the bartender downstairs?” Wendy asked as she put on a black, turtleneck sweater.

  “He looked like he could heat things up,” Kate said, tugging on her Uggs.