“I think that’s a question that’s easier for me to answer than it is for you to accept.”
I turned and looked at Tyr. He rose to his substantial height and looked down at me. “You stand to lose the most you’ve ever lost, Madeleine: your heart. And you’re too much a coward yet to face the reality that in losing the most you’ve ever lost, you stand to gain more than can be measured and weighed.”
“I’m not a coward!” I slapped my hand over my thundering heart and turned my back on him so he wouldn’t see how close to home the blow had struck.
“What has Hellion ever done to you, Maddy, that wasn’t fair or just?”
“He tried to kill me.”
“He came to you to tell you he’d discovered that Gretta was having an affair and to find out if it changed your version of events. Wouldn’t you expect to be avenged by him if Bahlin killed you?” Tyr asked.
As the Voice of Reason he was really pissing me off. My back still to him, I shrugged.
“Before that, or even since, has he done anything to you? Anything at all?”
I thought about it. If I was going to be fair, he never had. Gretta had attempted to kill me, but she’d been in league with Tarrek. Hellion hadn’t had anything to do with it. Huh. “He…he…”
“Yes? He what, Maddy?” Tyr asked, pushing harder for me to justify my answers.
“Just shut up, Tyr,” I sighed. I refused to turn around and watch him gloat since he’d made his point so effectively.
There was no response from behind me, not even the sound of his breathing.
Without turning around I said, “Look, maybe we should just stick to the case. I’d like to know if the gold coins are all from the same lot.”
When Tyr still didn’t comment, I turned around prepared to have it out with him, but it was pointless. He was gone.
Chapter Twenty
I woke up still feeling sick to my stomach and angry with Tyr. “He doesn’t know shit about what I’m going through,” I muttered, getting up and wandering into the bathroom to see about digging up some antacids of some sort. I wasn’t picky. Anything would help at this point. I heard voices coming from the hall, and I wandered out to the bedroom before finding anything, curiosity more important than my sour stomach. I was almost to the bedroom door when it opened and Hellion walked in, followed closely by his butler, his driver and a well-dressed gentleman who could only be Ben Raines.
Hellion looked horrible, with dark circles under his eyes, eyes that were…what the hell? They were a beautiful light brown. I stared at him, arrested mid-step. He shook his head and rolled it on his shoulders as if stretching his muscles but I recognized his nod toward Ben. So instead of commenting, I walked forward and hugged Hellion, my eyes shut tight against the room’s other occupants. For the moment, I just needed Hellion.
As if he’d read my thoughts, he said, “Give us a moment, gentlemen.”
I heard the shuffling of feet and the quiet click of the door, and I started to lean back to ask him how he really was, but he wouldn’t let me go. He clung to me, his breathing harsh, and never spoke a word. Finally relaxing his grip, he took my shoulders and leaned me back so he could kiss me gently. “I need a quick shower. Will you let the men know I’ll meet them downstairs? Then I’d appreciate it very much if you’d come keep me company.”
“Sure.” I trotted downstairs and into the parlor where Mark was fixing drinks for everyone. Approaching Ben, I held out my hand and said, “Ben Raines?”
He nodded.
“I didn’t get a chance to introduce myself. I’m Madeleine Niteclif.”
He grasped my hand and said, “But you strongly prefer to go by Maddy.”
My grin was grim, but I thought I should get points for effort. “I do. Thank you for getting him out so fast.”
“It wasn’t cheap or neat, but it’s done. He’ll probably be watched carefully, but he’s aware of that. He should—”
“Probably be here for this conversation,” I said, interrupting him. “But he’s grabbing a quick shower and clean clothes. I’ll be down with him within a half an hour. Please, make yourself at home while we’re gone.” Before anyone could argue or question me, I turned and power-walked out of the room, breaking into a trot the minute I cleared the doors. Making it back to the room, I went straight to the linen closet and got Hellion a clean towel and then headed for the shower. He was just turning it off as I rounded the corner. I stopped, swaying slightly from my halted momentum. It was times like this, when I came on him unaware, that I was struck by his sheer size and attractiveness.
Water dripped down his muscled frame. With his back to me, I watched as the water found its way down the column of his spine and disappeared between his butt cheeks. He reached back to squeeze out his hair, and his shoulders bunched under the effort, the globes of his ass tightening as he kept his balance. Tyr had asked what Hellion had ever done to me, and maybe the answer was nothing. But maybe the better answer was what I faced here and now—he’d made me want him with abandon, respond to him without thought and care for him before I was ready. He’d wormed his way into my life by being kind, caring and just frustrating enough to be attractive. He’d loved me without compromise, and I didn’t know how to deal with that. I had always said it’s what I’d wanted from Bahlin, but was it? Really? I wasn’t sure anymore.
Hellion turned around and saw me holding the clean towel. He smiled, and I was lost to him all over again, my conversation with Tyr forgotten.
“I, um…here.” I shoved the towel around the corner of the glass shower door, and Hellion took it.
“Thanks, mo síorghrá. Is something wrong?” He toweled off slowly, watching me watch him. Concern gathered at the corners of his eyes in the way of little lines, and I was touched. The man just got out of jail, and he was asking about me?
“I’m good. Much better now that you’re home.” Home. I blanched. I’d made myself comfortable and, well, at home during his absence. “Does it bother you that I’m living here?”
His brows shot halfway to his hairline. “Bother me? Why in the world would it bother me?” He stepped out of the shower and pulled me into his arms so that I snuggled into the damp heat of his skin and sighed. “Maddy, mo chroí, knowing you’d be here when I got here was what made coming home a bonus. Otherwise I’d be out looking for Bahlin right now.” He ground his teeth together, and I cringed at the sound as it reverberated through his chest. “That bastard will pay for what he did to Amaly.”
“What if it’s not him?” I asked.
Hellion stepped back from me, his movements slow and deliberate. “You’re not going to do this again, are you?” When I didn’t answer him, his face locked up and his eyes began to pulse. “Madeleine, if you are still in love with Bahlin I need to know, because you and I can’t build our own relationship on your broken foundation. It’s all or nothing. I’ve said that before.”
“I know about your ultimatums, Hellion. And I’ve told you I don’t respond well to them. Do I still love Bahlin? It’s not something I could just turn off like he did, any more than I could turn off what I feel for you if you left me tomorrow.” Turning away from him, I wrapped my arms around my center. Was this what Tyr had been talking about? This fear of losing everything—my control, heart, life, individuality, even my clear sense of self? Because that’s what it felt like Hellion wanted—all of it. Before I could work through the thought, Hellion sighed and gently pushed past me as he headed to the closet to get dressed.
“Do you want me to move out, or do you want to?” he asked from the recesses of his giant clothes vault.
“What?” I squeaked. “I don’t think we need to—”
“Because I won’t do this, Maddy. I know I promised to wait, but I won’t continue to wait on a maybe that you tie all your terms to, I won’t continue to put myself out there for you unconditionally and I won’t continue to risk the lives of my coven when you’re afraid to commit to even me. They swore fealty to you, and any one of the
m would lay down their life for you. In fact, one has.” Pain etched his features like a rime formation, and was just as cold when he walked out of his closet. He stopped in front of me and stepped out of my reach when I tried to take his hand, shaking his head. “I won’t ask you to choose to stay or leave your new home, to love or not love me, or to attack or defend your former fiancé. But I won’t stand by and let your indecision cause anyone other than me any harm. I love you, Madeleine. I’m absolutely crazy about you, but you need to work out your issues before someone else gets hurt, or worse.” He walked toward the door, leaving me standing in the middle of the room.
“Amaly was killed because of her connection to you,” I murmured, hating that I defended myself with such a lack of compassion, but he needed to know.
“What did you just say?” His voice had taken on a volatile edge, and I knew I had moments to salvage this conversation, maybe even this relationship, before things were said and done that could never be taken back.
I turned to faced him slowly, staring at his knees. “Tyr visited before you got home. He and I discussed the crimes and, well, other stuff, but we talked about Amaly in particular. He said she was killed because of her relationship with you. The women who died because they looked like me. They were all strangers. The only connection Amaly had to us was you.”
“Oh. Oh shit,” Hellion gasped, running for the bathroom. The sound of his retching nearly made me lose the contents of my stomach but, for the first time ever, his well-being trumped my status as a sympathetic vomiter. I walked into the bathroom, scared to say what I knew had to be said. I grabbed a washrag, wet it with cold water and carried it over as a peace offering, meager as it was.
Hellion reached back and took it, scrubbing his face, and I bent down to hold his hair back as he spit into the toilet.
“I’m sorry. I thought it was important to be honest about the why of things, particularly if you were thinking I’d been the cause of her death.” I loosened my hold on his hair as he nodded and I stroked his head. “Hellion, you didn’t cause her death. The killer is the responsible party. Whoever it is, they’ll be brought to justice. Period. If it’s Bahlin, I’ll accept that. But I don’t want you hunting him down and killing him, or running the risk of him killing you, when there’s a chance he may be innocent.”
Hellion moved away from me and I released his hair. He turned and sat on the marble floor, his knees bent and his hands dangling between them. His head fell forward, and his shoulders relaxed some before beginning to shake. “I’ll ask the Council to allow me to mete out justice, Maddy. I don’t care who’s found guilty. Their head is mine.” He looked up and, for the first time, I saw the warlock in him. The whites of his eyes had given way completely to the black, making his eyes emotional pits of rage. I could feel the malevolence rolling off him in waves, and it made my stomach clench in fear. I didn’t believe he’d strike out at me, but I knew with an indescribable clarity that he was more powerful, more deadly, than I’d given him credit for being. And my hurt over Bahlin’s actions seemed paltry when compared to Hellion’s seething fury. Bahlin had wounded me, making me want to curl up and die. But whoever had wounded Hellion, whoever this killer was, had made Hellion want to retaliate in kind. I wasn’t dismissing my feelings toward Bahlin, but rather was looking at them in a new light.
I sank to the floor where I stood, leaving several feet between us. “I don’t want you to leave, Hellion.”
“I won’t.” He closed his eyes and rubbed his brow, his lips turning down at the corners. “I’ll just move to another bedroom. I won’t leave you, Maddy, especially now when you need me the most.”
And there, there was the rub. “When you need me the most,” he’d said. I did need him. And where the hell was Bahlin? He’d left me in order to either sulk somewhere out of site or to have the freedom to kill me for not falling back into line.
Hellion was a good man, and I’d treated him with a lack of respect and consideration. Sure, I’d taken him to bed several times, but that was truly more the result of my late-blooming sexuality and the fierce physical attraction between us. But sex wasn’t enough to sustain him. He needed, even demanded, more.
I thought about what Tyr had said. Hellion hadn’t done anything to hurt me, even when he’d come to the hotel. Sure, he’d freaked me out, but he was still pissed. He wanted me scared so I might slip up and change my story, but he’d recognized the truth for what it was once he’d calmed down enough to see it.
Hellion had given me unconditional love, with no power plays or political maneuvering. My fear was that it had come as a result of the prophecy. But even when I’d wept for Bahlin, Hellion had held me. He’d shown me nothing but compassion until moments ago when he’d basically said he’d had enough.
Hellion had asked me to give it a chance, to love him in return. And what had I done? Balked. Screwed his brains out. Treated him like a bedroom commodity to be used and exchanged in the event Bahlin came back. But he’d not complained. He’d made it clear what he wanted, and I dismissed it all as if it, and maybe he, was inconsequential.
The longer I sat here, the more I realized what a royal bitch I’d been. I’d treated Hellion no better than Bahlin had treated me, though for different reasons. Bahlin’s reasons had been personal, and I had begun to convince myself that a power play was at the center of his manipulation of me. I’d used my neuroses as layered excuses, claiming I couldn’t love or trust Hellion for a number of reasons. None of the reasons was good enough. It was time to stop being a coward. Oh yeah. Tyr had been right. I was a chicken shit.
I’d sat immobile during this whole internal revelation. Hellion, however, had begun to shift as if to get up.
“They’ll be waiting for us downstairs, and I need to get my power under control so I can cloak my eyes for Ben’s sake. No need to scare the poor fellow.” He used the wall to push himself to standing. As angry as he was at me, he still offered me a hand to stand.
I accepted it and refused to let go.
“Maddy,” he said, his voice laced with a warm warning.
“No, Hellion. I need five minutes of your time. Give me five minutes, and then if you want to walk out that door, I’ll not say another word.” I hated pleading with him, but I would do what I had to do.
“Five minutes, but then I need to go see to my guest.” He purposefully removed his hand from mine though I tried to hold on. “No, Maddy. Say what you need to say and let’s get it over with.”
I swallowed hard. “Can we sit on the bed?”
“I think it’s best we have this conversation somewhere other than the bedroom, don’t you?”
I realized then that he expected the worst from me. What else had I taught him, though? He expected me to balk because it was getting difficult and I wasn’t getting my way. Well, this time he was wrong. “Fine, if you want to stand here next to the toilet and talk, we’ll stand here.”
He sighed and dropped his chin to his chest. Crossing his arms and leaning back against the wall he said, “Just get it over with.”
I took a deep breath in through my nose and exhaled slowly through my mouth, trying to gain control over my stampeding pulse. “I’m sorry.” I paused, and Hellion quirked an eyebrow at me.
“Okay.” He stood and began to walk by me and I grabbed his arm.
“No! It’s not okay,” I snapped, pulling his arm hard enough to force him to either turn around or drag me along with him.
He stopped.
“Don’t you get it? It’s not okay. None of this is okay. But it’s my new life, and one I’ve got to master. I’ve been given a really crappy deal in the form of the prophecy, because I feel like it doesn’t give me any choice.” I scrubbed my hands through my hair, making it stand on end. I grabbed it and pulled, groaning. “I hate the idea of destiny. I don’t want to believe everything is preordained and nothing I do matters. Don’t you see?”
“No,” he whispered. “I don’t see, Madeleine. What I see is that you’ve been gi
ven some amazing opportunities as well as a strong, guaranteed love, and all you’ve done is bitch. And what of me? What of my destiny that the prophecy has touched? Have you wondered how I feel? Have you ever even asked what I wanted before meeting you? No. Most people would give anything for the opportunities you’ve been given, but all you can see is the heartache dealt you. Instead of embracing the man standing in front of you, the proud man you’ve reduced to nearly begging for your affection, you mourn for and rage against the man who abandoned you and left you to essentially die.”
As far as blows to the heart, his was a direct hit I was sure I’d feel for a while.
Hellion closed his eyes and shook his head in apparent disgust. “In addition to finding your killer, you need to find some happiness, Maddy. That’s really what I want for you. Because while you’ll fade if you don’t solve the crimes, you won’t ever live, really live, if you don’t figure out how to be happy.”
The back of my throat got tight and I nodded quickly, trying desperately to hold on to my composure. “You’re right,” I choked out. “I know you’re right.”
“Your five minutes is up,” he said gently, and he turned to walk away.
“Wait!” I cried. “Please wait. I…” I paused, unsure how to get around the lump in my throat and the bands of terror wrapped around my chest. I was a historical failure at love, yet here I was, willing to try again if it meant not losing this man.
“Yes?” he said patiently, his back still toward me.
“Just answer me this. Do you truly want me? I mean want want. As in can’t-live-without-me want. Because I’ll not settle for anything less than that.” I couldn’t believe I was doing this. I felt giddy and sick.
He turned and looked at me, his face so serious it looked as if it might never smile again. For a moment I worried I’d misjudged this situation as badly as I’d misjudged Bahlin. Then Hellion spoke. “I cannot imagine a day without you in it. And while I would miss you horribly in such an event, it’s the small things that would haunt me.” He stepped up to me and tenderly took me by the shoulders, his face softening almost imperceptibly. “The texture of your lips”—he bent and grazed them with his own—“the timbre of your laugh”—he stroked my throat—“the dip in your lower back”—he caressed it with his hands—“the sweet spot behind your knee that makes you whimper when kissed”—he bent and touched it with his fingertips and took the opportunity to kiss my collar bone—“your generous smiles”—he traced my lips with his thumbs—“and the look in your eyes when you first wake up and see me watching you.” He looked at me so earnestly. “I’d grieve you, Maddy. It’s part of what being in love truly is, and I never thought to feel this way about anyone, particularly you. It’s terrifying and exhilarating and maddening all at once.”
Wrath: The Niteclif Evolutions, Book 2 Page 24