Storage unit: You can fit 600,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 atoms in a thimble.
STAGECOACHES
Stagecoach travel has been glamorized by Hollywood: a handsome hero in an immaculate white shirt and string necktie, and a neatly coiffured heroine swaying gently as the stage races across the prairie. Romantic? Yes. Truthful? No. Stagecoaches didn’t race—good drivers averaged 5 mph. And passengers arrived covered with dust and aching from the bone-rattling journey. These rigorous conditions created discord, so at every station, Wells Fargo posted this list.
Stagecoach Riders’ Nine Commandments
1. Abstinence from liquor is requested. If you must drink, share your bottle; otherwise you will appear to be selfish and unneighborly.
2. If ladies are present, gentlemen are urged to forego smoking pipes or cigars, as the odor is repugnant to the gentle sex. Chewing tobacco is permitted, but spit with the wind, not against it.
3. Gentlemen must refrain from using rough language in the presence of ladies and children.
4. Buffalo robes are provided for your comfort during cold weather. Hogging robes will not be tolerated and the offender will be made to ride with the driver.
5. Don’t snore loudly while sleeping or use your fellow passenger’s shoulder for a pillow. He (or she) may not understand and friction may result.
6. Firearms may be kept on your person for use in emergencies. Do not fire them for pleasure or shoot at wild animals as the sound riles the horses.
7. In the event of runaway horses, remain calm. Leaping from the coach in panic will leave you injured, at the mercy of the elements, hostile Indians, and hungry coyotes.
8. Forbidden topics of discussion are stagecoach robberies and Indian uprisings.
9. Gents guilty of unchivalrous behavior toward lady passengers will be put off the stage. It’s a long walk back. A word to the wise is sufficient.
What’s an onychophagiac? Someone who habitually bites their nails.
WEIRD CANADA
Canada: land of beautiful mountains, clear lakes, bustling cities...and some really weird news reports. Here are some of the oddest entries in the BRI news files.
DON’T EAT THE YELLOW SNOW—IT’S ART
In 1991 British artist Helen Chadwick came to Canada to create a series of 12 artworks: bronzed “urine flowers.” She formed round piles of densely packed, fresh snow, and peed on them (to turn them yellow). Then she had a male friend “draw” (pee) a circular pattern on it. The combined result looked something like a daisy. Then, before it could melt, Chadwick made a bronze casting of the snow, to create a lasting, one-of-a-kind sculpture. (She sold all 12 for $2,000 each.)
STICKY SUBJECT
Jason Kronenwald of Toronto makes busts of celebrities for a living. He doesn’t use stone or clay—his artworks are made out of chewing gum. (Kronenwald actually hates to chew gum, so he has a friend chew it for him.) His most recent works: portraits of “Gum Blondes,” including Britney Spears and Pamela Anderson.
DIRT DU JOUR
Canadian research scientists have developed a program called Instrumental Neutron Activation Analysis, used to determine the nutritional value of rural Ontario dirt. Their finding: the average scoop of soil contains many essential vitamins and minerals needed for a healthy body, including iron, calcium, magnesium, and potassium. But if the thought of eating dirt makes you sick, don’t worry—it also contains the mineral kaolinite, which can soothe an upset stomach.
MISFORTUNE BAY?
Fishermen in Fortune Bay, Newfoundland, recently found something washed up on the beach: a “sea monster” measuring 22 feet long and smelling so foul that even seagulls would not go near it. Locals think it’s the body of the St. Bernard’s Monster, a mythical creature that supposedly inhabited Fortune Bay. Marine biologists say it’s more likely the decomposed remains of a basking shark or an oarfish.
Ouch! Hawaiians once used coconut husks for toilet paper.
GOAL!
Corey Hirsch, goalie for the 1994 Canadian Olympic hockey team, threatened to sue the Swedish government in 1995. Sweden planned to issue a postage stamp commemorating the Swedish hockey team’s come-from-behind defeat of Canada to win the gold medal at the 1994 Winter Olympics. Hirsch’s objection: The stamp would depict Peter Forsberg scoring the game-winning goal—against Hirsch. That, said Hirsch, is “not the way I want to be remembered.” (Sweden issued the stamp anyway.)
EAT MY SHORTS
Alberta police stopped David Zurfluh for driving erratically, suspicious that the teenager was drunk. But before he could be given a breath analysis, Zurfluh, who was sitting in the back of the squad car, ate his own underwear. Questioned in court, Zurfluh later admitted that his intention was to eat enough cotton so that it would absorb the alcohol in his system. Amazingly, it may have worked: the breath test showed his blood alcohol level to be at the legal limit. Zurfluh was acquitted of all charges.
DRILLED TO MEET YOU
Donald Wright was installing a sliding glass door in his Toronto apartment building when he fell off a stepladder and knocked himself unconscious. When he woke up, he discovered that he’d fallen head first onto a power drill, which had bored three inches into his right temple. He tried to pull the drill out, but it wouldn’t budge, so he set it on reverse, turned it on...and removed it from his head. (Doctors later removed bone fragments from Wright’s brain.)
BUT OFFICER, IT WAS A MOOSEUNDERSTANDING
Police in Bonavista-Clarenville, Newfoundland, stopped a driver and gave him a ticket for having an illegal radar detector. His explanation: the black box on his dashboard wasn’t a radar detector—it was a moose detector.
NIZE GUYZ FINISH LAZT
By adding another “z” to his last name, Zeke Zzzyzus (formerly Zzyzus) regained his status as the last name in the Montreal phone book. His competition for the honor: “Pol Zzyzzo” and “Zzzap Distribution.”
Charles Dickens accurately described dyslexia 40 years before it was officially recognized.
THE WHO?
Ever wonder how bands and recording artists get their names? After some digging around, we found the stories behind these famous names.
CHEAP TRICK. While fooling around with a Ouija board, the band asked it what they’d be having for dinner. The board spelled, “cheap trick.”
BREAD. The group picked the name when they got struck in traffic behind a Wonder Bread truck.
MARILYN MANSON. A combination of Marilyn Monroe and Charles Manson.
ALICE IN CHAINS. One day band members were watching an episode of The Honeymooners. Ralph Kramden said he’d like to see his wife, Alice, in chains.
SOUNDGARDEN. In the band’s hometown of Seattle, there’s a modern art structure called A Sound Garden that creates a low hum when the wind blows through its many pipes and hollows.
RIGHTEOUS BROTHERS. The duo got their name when an audience member shouted, “Hey, that’s really righteous, brothers!”
DEEP PURPLE. Named for the favorite song of guitarist Richie Blackmore’s grandmother, the 1963 hit “Deep Purple” by April Stevens and Nino Tempo.
HOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH. Singer Darius Rucker had two friends in his college choir with odd nicknames: Hootie (he had wide eyes like an owl) and Blowfish (he had puffy cheeks). Neither of them is in the band.
FLEETWOOD MAC. A combination of the last names of the band’s founding members, Mick Fleetwood and John McVie.
MOBY. The singer sometimes claims to be a descendant of Herman Melville, author of Moby Dick, but other times insists Moby is an acronym for “master of beats, y’all.”
Forest fires move faster uphill than downhill.
DOBBYLOOM CHAINPEGGER
Ever heard of the Dictionary of Occupational Titles? It’s a product of the U.S. Department of Labor, listing more than 25,000 real job titles. In search of a new trade? Uncle Sam’s got some suggestions:
Flocculator Operator
Ripening-Room Attendant
Milk-of-Lime Slaker
Round-up-Ring Hand
Kier Dryer
Bed Rubber
Bologna Lacer
Bosom Presser
Bottom Buffer
Crown Pounder
Egg Smeller
Frickerton Checker
Nibbler Operator
Dog-Food Dough Mixer
Pickle Pumper
Retort Forker
Mutton Puncher
Queen Producer
Human Projectile
Subassembly Assembler
Animal Impersonator
Lap Checker
Hand Former Helper
Pantyhose-Crotch-Closing Machine Operator
Blind Hooker
Dead Header
Gore Inserter
Fish Flipper
Road-Hogger Operator
Dobbyloom Chainpegger
Cheese Cutter
Easter Bunny
Automatic Lump-Making Machine Tender
Boring Machine Setup Operator
Upsetter Setter-Up
Brain Picker
Fur Beater
Soiled Linen Distributor
Buzzle Buffer
Head Chiseler
Jawbone Breaker
End-Touching Machine Operator
Toe Puller
Tumor Registrar
Muck Boss
Guillotine Operator
Take-Down Inspector
Bean Dumper
Slubber Doffer
Gas Dispatcher
Largest fruit crop on Earth: Grapes (bananas are second).
THE MAN INSIDE THE TERMINAL
Need proof that truth is stranger than fiction? It’s still sitting on a red bench in Terminal One of France’s Charles de Gaulle Airport.
STUCK AT THE AIRPORT
In 1974 an Iranian student named Merhan Karimi Nasseri went to Great Britain to attend graduate school. There he demonstrated against the shah of Iran, and when he returned to Iran in 1977, he was thrown in jail. Later that year he was expelled from the country and told never to return. He bounced around Europe until 1981, when he was granted permanent refugee status by the United Nations High Commission for Refugees. After that he settled in Belgium.
Nasseri made his first big mistake in 1986, when he inexplicably mailed his refugee card (similar to a passport) back to the United Nations, thinking he didn’t need it anymore. He made his second mistake two years later, when, following a mugging on a Paris subway during which the rest of his travel documents were stolen, he decided to fly to London, even though he no longer had papers to prove who he was or that he had a right to travel in Europe.
Somehow Nasseri managed to talk his way onto a plane, but as soon as he arrived in London, British immigration officials sent him back to Paris. Police at Charles de Gaulle Airport arrested him for entering the country illegally. They couldn’t let him in the country, but since Nasseri didn’t have any papers, they couldn’t deport him, either. What could they do? Here’s what they decided to do: nothing. So Nasseri’s been at Charles de Gaulle airport ever since. His story is the inspiration for the film The Terminal.
KING OF THE FOOD COURT
For more than 15 years, Nasseri has made his home on a red plastic bench near the fast food restaurants and retail shops in the underground level of De Gaulle’s Terminal One. In some ways he looks like any other traveler—he dresses neatly and has his clothes dry-cleaned once a week. But he’s thin, his skin is pale, his eyes are sunken, and his cheeks are hollow. He looks like what he is: a guy who never gets any sunlight and has been living on airport food for years. In fact, the closest Nasseri ever gets to the great outdoors is when he stands next to the entrance, breathing in fresh air as the automatic doors open and close. He never steps beyond the doors.
In six moon missions, American astronauts brought home 843 pounds of lunar rock and soil.
RED TAPE
For the first few years in the airport, Nasseri was at the mercy of forces largely beyond his control. He couldn’t leave the airport and didn’t speak French—how was he going to replace his papers? A famous French human rights lawyer named Christian Bourget eventually took up his case, and in 1992 got a French court to rule that since Nasseri had entered the airport legally as a refugee, the French government couldn’t expel him from it. But the court didn’t have the power to force the government to let Nasseri step outside onto French soil, so he was still stuck.
That year Bourget also got U.N. officials in Brussels to issue Nasseri a new refugee card. But there was a hitch—the officials wanted Nasseri to appear in person to collect his card, so they could verify that he was who he said he was. But he couldn’t. For whatever reason, the Belgian government refused to let him in.
HIS OWN WORST ENEMY
In 1995 Belgian authorities finally relented and agreed to allow Nasseri to enter the country to pick up his documents from the United Nations, but it set two conditions: 1) Nasseri had to agree to move back to Belgium, where he’d lived in the 1980s, and 2) he had to agree to regular supervision by a Belgian social worker. After seven long years, Nasseri finally had a way out of the airport. So did he go to Belgium? No, he refused: he wanted to live in Great Britain, he explained, and no place else.
Four years later, the U.N. officials in Brussels bowed to the inevitable and mailed Nasseri’s new refugee card to him. That year the French also issued him identity papers, which gave him the right to live in France (or at least to step out of the airport). Again, Nasseri refused. He wouldn’t even sign his French papers, let alone use them. Why? For one thing, the papers listed his nationality as Iranian (and he had disowned his country for throwing him out). For another, they identified him as Merhan Nasseri (and he had adopted the nickname given him by the airport staff—Alfred Sir).
California alone has the fifth largest economy in the world.
Why is Nasseri being so stubborn when his freedom is so near? His years at the airport have taken their toll on his mental health. Bourget says Nasseri is “extremely paranoid and confused,” and the airport’s medical chief, Dr. Phillipe Bargain, agrees. “He has a fragile psychological balance,” Bargain reports. Both men predict that Nasseri will live at the airport until he dies.
HOME SWEET HOME
Nasseri’s schedule hasn’t changed much over the years. He rises at about 8:00 a.m. and showers, shaves, and brushes his teeth in the men’s room. Then he goes to McDonald’s or one of the other restaurants and has breakfast. Afterward he sits on his red plastic bench, reading, smoking cigarettes, and listening to his radio (he’s picked up a little French by listening to announcements over the airport’s public address system).
Nasseri visits with anyone who wants to talk to him and records each encounter in his journal, now more than 8,000 pages long. He either has fast food for dinner or buys his own food at the airport minimart. “I suppose it’s not very healthy to live on burgers, pizzas, and sandwiches all the time,” he says. At 9:00 p.m. he curls up on his plastic bench and goes to sleep.
BIG MAN ON CAMPUS
Nasseri used to rely on the kindness of airport staff and strangers for clothing, meal vouchers, and pocket change. Now that Dream-Works—producers of The Terminal—has paid him for his story (a rumored $275,000), he can buy things himself. He has been the subject of countless articles, two documentaries, and two feature films over the years. Maybe that’s why he stays. “After 15 years, with financial success, I’m happy,” he told Premiere magazine in 2004. “This is my dream world. I don’t have any worries.”
“Better to be alone than in bad company.”
—Thomas Fuller
Camels have three eyelids.
BASKETBALL 101
College athletes have to pass their classes or they’re not allowed to play sports. In 2001 the University of Georgia devised a course to ensure that their basketball players got at least one A: “Coaching Principles and Strategies of Basketball,” taught by Assistant Coach Jim Harrick, Jr. The following questions are from
the actual final exam.
1. How many goals are on a basketball court?
a) 1
b) 2
c) 3
d) 4
2. How many players are allowed to play on a team at one time?
a) 2
b) 3
c) 4
d) 5
3. How many halves are in a basketball game?
a) 1
b) 2
c) 3
d) 4
4. How many quarters?
a) 1
b) 2
c) 3
d) 4
5. How many points does a 3-point field goal account for in a basketball game?
a) 1
b) 2
c) 3
d) 4
6. Draw the half-court line.
7. What is the name of the exam which all Georgia high school seniors must pass?
a) Eye Exam
b) How Do the Grits Taste Exam
c) Bug Control Exam
d) Georgia Exit Exam
8. If you go on to become a huge coaching success, to whom will you tribute the credit?
a) Mike Krzyzewski
b) Bobby Knight
c) John Wooden
d) Jim Harrick, Jr.
9. Who is the best assistant coach in the country?
a) Ron Jursa
b) John Pelphrey
c) Jim Harrick, Jr.
d) Steve Wojciechowski
10. Draw the 3-point line.
Answers (if you really need them) are on page 513.
When the Irish say “Top of the mornin’ to you,” answer “and the rest of the day to you.”
IRREGULAR NEWS
More proof that truth really is stranger than fiction.
SORRY ABOUT THE PAPER
“A tree has been sent a letter—to reassure it that it is safe from being cut down. The two-page message, headed ‘Dear The Tree,’ was stuck to its trunk. It followed concerns from environmental campaigners that the 60-year-old lime on University Road, Southampton, was about to be cut down. It assures the tree that there is a six-month temporary preservation order on it and goes on to say that if the tree would like to make further comments, it should make them in writing to the local council. A spokesman for Southampton City Council said addressing the tree was a ‘standard legal device.’”
Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader Page 11