by L. A. Witt
After a moment, Daniel said, “I am curious—what was it like dating while you were in porn? Not the abusive ex, just . . .”
“I know what you mean.” And God bless you for not pushing the other stuff. “It’s not much different from normal dating, to be honest. We still had sex. Just . . . not after I’d been on set all day. They knew when I came home, I didn’t even want to be touched, let alone fucked.” He smiled as he added some detail to Athena’s hair. “One of them was a saint about it. He’d have me text him when I was on my way home, and by the time I got there, he’d have a hot bath waiting with a bottle of wine next to it. He’d kiss me hello, then leave me to it while he went and cooked something for dinner.”
“Aww. That’s kind of cute, actually.”
“It really was. And he knew I wouldn’t want to fool around for at least a day or two, so he was fine with kicking back and watching TV.” With a laugh, he added, “Of course I made it up to him every time.”
Daniel chuckled. “I’ll bet you did.” He sobered slightly. “If you don’t mind my asking . . . what happened with him?”
“Why’d we split?”
“Yeah.”
“He got a job in Chicago, and we were both miserable with the long distance thing. So we decided to call it off, but we’ve stayed good friends. Hell, I went to his wedding a couple of years ago, and it turned out his husband was a fan of mine.”
“No shit?” Daniel laughed. “And that wasn’t awkward?”
“It almost was because my ex’s mom was standing right there, but . . .”
“Wow.” Daniel shook his head. “I can’t even imagine. I mean . . . Jesus. Relationships are foreign to me. Being friends with exes? No idea. Finding out your ex’s new partner has seen you in a porno?” He blew out a breath. “It’s like a whole different world.”
“Well, you’re getting into that world, little by little. Maybe not that last part, but you know what I mean.” He wheeled his chair to the side so he could see Daniel’s face better. “And to be clear, because this always seems to come up when I start seeing someone—working in porn didn’t cheapen sex for me. It’s not a job or a chore.”
“I know.” Daniel twisted around enough to meet his gaze. “I can tell.”
“The baggage, it’s . . .” Colin shook his head. “Let’s just say that if there’s one silver lining to you missing out on relationships until now, it’s that you haven’t been through that kind of hell.”
“I’ve been through my own kind of hell, though. And I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.” Daniel reached back and rested a hand on Colin’s knee. “But it’s over now.”
Colin leaned forward and kissed Daniel’s cheek. “It’s over if I have anything to do with it.”
“What a coincidence.” Daniel smiled. “You totally do have something to do with it.”
Chapter 20
Sleep. I need to sleep. Why can’t I sleep?
Daniel mouthed a silent curse into the darkness, and rubbed his eyes.
Fucking duty.
He was used to his overnight duty days, but they were getting less bearable by the week. Long hours? Fine. Spending time away from Colin? They could text.
It was when he tried to sleep that they made him crazy.
Lately, he’d been spending nearly every night at Colin’s. It meant hurrying out at five o’clock without waking him up, and hopefully getting to the ship in time to shave, put on his uniform, and muster in his shop on time, but the nights were well worth the rushed, bleary-eyed mornings.
He was just beginning to hate the nights when he had to sleep in his rack. Tonight, it was well after 0100, and he was still wide awake. He tried not to toss and turn because he’d keep everyone else awake in the berthing, but damn if he could get comfortable, and not just because his tattoo was still itchy.
He stared up at the bottom of the rack above his. There was a reason they called these things coffin racks, and it wasn’t much of an exaggeration. The damn thing was tight on all sides. Some of his buddies were claustrophobic, and Daniel didn’t know how they handled it—sleeping with your buddy’s rack so close to your face you could flatten your palm against it? Fuck this shit.
Daniel sighed, rubbing his tired eyes. Sleeping on the boat while they’d been at sea had been easier. He’d been working longer shifts, for one thing—fourteen-hour shifts, six or seven days a week. And there’d been the gentle rocking motion. The same motion that’d had some of the guys hurling in the head for the first week or two had been soothing for him. He’d had his share of seasickness when he’d tried to work—reading and concentrating on small details in an enclosed space had been hell for a while—but sleeping? Easy. It was like being rocked to sleep by the boat.
Here in Norfolk, they were moored inside a protected harbor near the mouth of the Chesapeake Bay. The water was about as calm as it could get. Nothing like out in the middle of the open sea.
But a lack of motion hadn’t kept him awake before. Maybe movement would’ve helped this time, but he doubted it.
He pulled his phone out from where it was charging between the bulkhead and the hard mattress and checked the time: 0147.
“Fuck.” He buried the phone again. Muster was at 0630. He needed to sleep, for fuck’s sake.
I’d be dead to the world if I was in Colin’s bed right now.
Goose bumps prickled his skin. For all he’d imagined what it would be like to have sex, this part had never crossed his mind—how much he’d enjoy literally sleeping with someone. It was one of those things pornos didn’t show and fantasies didn’t touch. In a way, he supposed he’d always assumed couples shared beds out of convenience. So they were already there if they wanted to have sex, and didn’t have to go anywhere afterward. It hadn’t occurred to him what it would be like to lie next to someone and listen to him breathe.
Or what it would be like to try to sleep without that person.
It wasn’t like he was alone. He was surrounded by other guys, several of whom were snoring loud enough to rattle the whole ship. In the rack above his, Reuben wasn’t snoring, but his breathing was audible.
It wasn’t the same, though.
The first time they’d shared Colin’s bed, Daniel had been overwhelmed by the warmth of skin touching skin and the weight of Colin’s arm draped across his waist. Eventually, though, they must’ve separated. He didn’t know who’d rolled away, only that he’d woken up at some point on his back with Colin a few inches away, face buried in the pillow.
Even like that, without touching, Colin’s presence had been undeniable. And comforting. And just . . . nice. The sound of his slow, steady breathing was relaxing, and the warmth radiating off him had reminded Daniel that they were still close together.
Alone in the crowded berthing, trying to sleep in his narrow coffin rack, Daniel was more aware than ever of Colin’s absence. Now he understood why some of the married guys were so restless and twitchy on deployments. They were used to sharing a bed at home. Then for months on end, they slept alone in cramped racks.
If he and Colin kept seeing each other, a deployment was inevitable. Though Daniel could spend his entire career stationed in Norfolk, he still had a couple of years left on this ship. They were going to the shipyard soon for the post-deployment overhaul, but chances were good that before he transferred to shore duty or another boat, he’d go on cruise again. Which meant six months apart. And before that, shorter workups—a few weeks at sea here and there to make sure the ship was functioning and the squadrons had some practice with carrier landings.
What would Colin think of the separations? A lot of wives and partners jumped ship—so to speak—after the first deployment.
He exhaled and rubbed his eyes. It wasn’t something to sweat over now because it was at least a year away. Possibly longer. For all he knew, he and Colin wouldn’t even last that long, though . . . he hoped. A lot.
Right now, he just wanted to be in bed with Colin again. Tomorrow night.
Tomorrow night
, I’ll be at his place, and I can sleep.
Just need to make it ’til then . . .
* * *
Daniel’s shift had ended an hour ago, but Colin was going to be out of the shop for a couple of hours before Daniel’s appointment. He wouldn’t be back until at least six, so Daniel hung around the base. Since there was a McDonald’s not far from the pier, he joined some of his buddies there to kill some time. They all agreed their trainer would kill them if he saw them eating there, but they made a vow of silence and ordered anyway.
As Daniel munched on some fries, his phone vibrated in his pocket. For a split second, he was afraid it was Colin canceling, but the chirpy ringtone sent the hair on his neck prickling to attention. Custom ringtones were a double-edged sword—he didn’t have to look to know the caller ID said Mom. He loved his parents, but just talking to them made his blood pressure soar. Especially when he was a few minutes away from heading up to Virginia Beach to see his boyfriend. And make progress on his tattoo.
Shit.
“Guys, I gotta take this.” He stood and pushed the remaining fries toward his buddies. “Help yourselves.”
Hands shot across the table, and the fries vanished. Typical.
While they devoured the last of his food, Daniel stepped outside, swiped to answer, and gulped. “Hey, Mom.”
“Hey, honey. Listen, your dad and I have been talking about when we’re going to come to visit you out there,” she said. “So I thought I’d call and get some details from you.”
His gut turned to lead. “Okay. Sure. What details?”
“When would be good, for one thing.”
“Anytime is fine. The ship’s not going anywhere for at least a few more months. After October or so, it could get a little dicey.”
“Oh, I’m sure it’ll be before that. And that’s enough time for you to get leave?”
“Yeah.” He rubbed the back of his neck. The prospect of taking leave usually meant a nice little stress-free oasis on the horizon. Today, it made his gut clench. “I only need a few days’ notice.”
While he and his mom ran through a few more travel thoughts—like what there was to do in the area and what airport they should fly into—Daniel tried to ignore that uneasiness in his gut.
It wasn’t like this was the first time his folks had come to see him since he’d enlisted. The whole family—including all four of his younger siblings—had come to Illinois for his boot camp graduation, and ever since, his parents had always made a point of coming to visit him at least once a year and seeing wherever he was stationed. Both times he’d come back from the Middle East, they’d been there to greet him.
But his grandma had been having some health problems, and they hadn’t been able to come when his ship came back from deployment. Now that Grandma was on the mend, they wanted to come see him in Norfolk.
Soon.
Now.
While he was quite happily dating a man for the first time in his life.
Gulp.
This was going to be the most stressful leave he’d ever taken.
“Well, I think that’s all the questions I had.” Mom’s smile was palpable all the way from Idaho. “I’ll talk to your father and make sure he can get the time off work, but I’m so excited. We can’t wait to see you, sweetheart.”
Daniel’s stomach tried to fold in on itself. “Same here. Looking forward to it.” Sort of. Not . . . not really.
After he’d hung up, he covered his face with both hands in the McDonald’s parking lot and swore. Talking to his parents through the closet door had always been stressful. Anytime he spoke to them, he was irrationally—he thought—afraid that the words “I’m gay” would slip out.
And now it was even worse because . . . Colin.
Just thinking about Colin usually made his stomach flutter. Now, after talking to his mom, those butterflies were dead.
Of course he was still excited to see Colin, and couldn’t imagine feeling anything less than giddy at the sight of him. But the thought of hiding him was weird. Uncomfortable. Depressing.
It was one thing to realize he’d probably never be able to tell his parents he was gay. He’d made an uneasy peace with that a long time ago—though it still bothered him, he no longer tried to convince himself it was going to change.
It was another thing entirely to accept that he’d probably never be able to tell them about Colin. About the man who’d been so distracting, so overwhelming, that Daniel had a hard time believing there’d ever been a time in his life when he hadn’t known him.
And they’ll never understand.
His heart sank.
Maybe there was hope. After all, if they met him and saw what an amazing person he was, then maybe they would understand when Daniel told them how he felt about him. After all, who wouldn’t fall for someone like Colin?
“What those people do,” his father’s voice echoed in his mind, “is perversion. Calling it love is sickening.”
You’d understand if you met him, Dad.
No. No, you wouldn’t.
And no, you won’t.
He sighed. When they finally did come to town, it was going to be one long, long visit.
* * *
That heavy, depressed feeling in his gut lightened the instant he walked into Skin Deep, Inc.
One look at Colin, and Daniel couldn’t help smiling. No, his parents wouldn’t understand, but he did, and he decided then and there that it was their loss, not his. The apprehension wasn’t gone. Not by a long shot. But it was suddenly . . . bearable.
When Colin was ready for him, Daniel peeled off his shirt and assumed the position that was becoming very familiar—straddling the chair, arms folded over the back.
As Colin put the stencil on his back, he said, “You’re quiet today. Just nerves?”
Daniel chewed his lip. “Not really.”
“What’s up, then?”
Well, if there was anyone in the world he could open up to about this . . .
“I talked to my mom before I came.” Daniel scrubbed a hand over his face and sighed. “They’re coming to visit soon.”
“Is that . . . a good thing?”
“Yes and no.” Daniel played with a seam on the fake leather cushion he was leaning on. “I want to see them. I miss my family, you know?” He paused while Colin peeled off the stencil, then continued. “But they’re homophobic. And I’m more out now than I’ve ever been.”
“Oh. Yeah, I could see that being stressful. Hang on, before I start . . .” Colin held out his hand. “Here, give me your phone real quick and I’ll get a picture of this for you to check.”
Daniel handed it over. Colin snapped the shot and handed it back, and Daniel did manage a smile at the sight of his continuing tattoo. Today, Loki was joining the growing group of mythological figures. It was a pretty intricate addition; Colin had warned him ahead of time they might not finish this part today. Fine by him.
He nodded as he shut off the phone. “Looks great.”
“Excellent. Anyway.” Colin sat down, and the needle started buzzing. Before it had even touched Daniel’s skin, he said, “So do you think your parents suspect anything?”
“No way. If they did—” He winced as needle met skin, and gritted his teeth. “If they knew, they’d already be here and trying to drag my ass to church.”
“So if they don’t suspect anything, what are you worried about?”
Daniel rubbed his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. “I don’t know. I . . . hell, I really don’t know. I guess I’m just scared my parents are going to find out sooner or later.”
Colin dipped the needle and continued burning his way along Daniel’s spine. “That’s such a shame. You’d think they could see past the dogma enough to accept their own son.”
“I wish they would.” Daniel closed his eyes and exhaled. “But I know for a fact they’ll take it badly. Like, ‘disown me’ badly. My younger brother was getting into some music or whatever a few years ago that made the
m think he was gay, and they grilled him up one side and down the other for months. Told him in no uncertain terms he’d be out of the house if he was gay.”
“Oh for fuck’s sake. How old was he?”
“Sixteen.”
Colin exhaled sharply. “Parents of the year, right there.”
“Right? Ugh. To be honest, sometimes I wonder if it wouldn’t be easier to just tell them I’m gay and let them deal with it. It’d be less stressful, that’s for damn sure.”
“Maybe, maybe not.” Colin paused, probably putting more ink on the needle. “You wouldn’t have to hide it anymore, but if they really flip out, that’d be a whole new kind of stress. It’s easy to flippantly say you’re okay with being disowned, but when it really happens . . .”
“Yeah. True.” He squeezed his eyes shut as the needle burned along his skin. “It’s just . . . I mean . . . What do I do, you know? Sooner or later, I’m not going to be able to hide it. And the longer I keep it a secret, the longer—Ow!”
“Sorry.” Colin didn’t lift the needle away, and kept working on the incredibly sensitive spot on Daniel’s lowest rib.
Daniel closed his eyes. The pain was intense, but this was nothing like the tattoo on his chest had been. He just tried not to think about how much it was going to suck when he tried to sleep.
He breathed through the intense pain, and when it came down to a bearable level, he went on. “I guess I’m worried it’ll be harder. Like if I’m thirty-five and have been in the closet the whole time, it’ll be . . .” He sighed. “I don’t know. It sounded better in my head.”
“No, I get it. Kind of like when you’re in a new relationship and there’s something you want to tell the other person. It’s a lot easier to get it out of the way early on instead of doing it later and having shit hit the fan after you’ve gotten attached to the person.”
Daniel turned his head enough to bring Colin into his peripheral vision. “Speaking from experience?”
“I have to tell every man I date that I used to have sex in front of cameras for a living.” Colin leaned slightly to the side so they could see each other. “I am definitely speaking from experience.”