by L. A. Witt
In practice, though, it wasn’t that simple. These were the people who’d raised him. They obviously loved him. And he obviously loved them. Colin totally understood. He’d been convinced his family would reject him, too, and even to this day, the thought of his nightmare scenario—“not under our roof”—could still get him choked up. The thought of losing his own family had kept him in the closet longer than he cared to admit.
So no wonder Daniel kept mum now. Coming out would be liberating, but would it be worth the fallout? As Colin watched Daniel interact with his parents, he honestly didn’t know what advice he’d offer if Daniel asked his opinion.
Colin made himself continue toward the bottom of his soup cup, but it took some serious effort. Anxiety was giving way to a different demon—depression. Something tightened behind his ribs, and his stomach was heavier and heavier. As he looked around the table at Daniel and his family, a deeper, more painful truth made itself known.
The fact was, Daniel’s relationship with him was a wedge just waiting to split this family apart. Any relationship he had with a man would have the same effect. Or even if he came out to them as gay, with or without a boyfriend. Once the closet doors opened, this family—this well-intentioned, loving, if deeply misguided family—would never be the same.
Daniel had to know that more than anyone. And having a boyfriend, physically being in the same room as both his family and that boyfriend, couldn’t have been doing good things to his anxiety.
Colin’s guilty conscience gnawed at him. Daniel obviously loved his family even if they stressed him out and kept him in the closet. He wouldn’t go to the lengths he did to hide his identity and their relationship if it wasn’t important to him to stay on good terms with his family.
Eventually, Daniel was going to reach a breaking point. He’d have to make a choice—stay in the closet or come out? Colin or the family? Because he sure as shit couldn’t have it all. Not with this family. Sooner or later, something would have to give.
And do I have any right to think you’ll choose me over them?
Colin’s heart sank. Of course he didn’t. He didn’t want Daniel to choose him over his family. A semi-functional boyfriend of a few short months wasn’t something anyone in their right mind picked over the people who’d raised him, loved him, and would’ve been perfect if not for their homophobia. Sure, he and Daniel could probably weather a deployment when the time came, but when this thing came to a crossroads . . .
He knew it. In a way, he could almost accept it and make peace with it. Denial, maybe. Something. But as he gazed across the table at Daniel, the same thought kept ricocheting around in his head:
How badly are you going to get hurt because of me?
Chapter 28
By the time his parents were heading out, Daniel was about to come unglued. Everything and everyone was packed into the car, and all he had to do now was drop them off at the airport and wish them a safe trip home. Then he could go back to seeing Colin almost daily, not to mention having as much sex as they wanted. He could go back to his tattoo sessions. He could go back to his life.
Just a little bit longer. He could do this.
“Well,” his mother said from the passenger seat as they headed for the airport. “It was so nice to see you, Daniel. And thank you for showing us around Norfolk.”
He smiled. Just a little bit longer. “You’re welcome.”
“Your friends were certainly, uh, interesting,” Dad said.
Daniel glanced in the rearview. Something told him Dad didn’t mean the guys they’d met on the ship. “You didn’t like them?”
“Well,” Dad hesitated. “Colin was . . . not what I expected.”
“He seems nice enough,” Mom said. “I don’t like the tattoos, though.”
Daniel forced himself not to squirm in the driver’s seat. His own tattoos suddenly felt conspicuous under his clothes. Like they had the day he’d gotten them, they itched mercilessly. In his mind’s eye, they glowed like buzzing neon lights, threatening to burn right through his clothes for his parents’ disapproval.
“I don’t know,” Dad grumbled. “He seemed kind of off.”
“Off?” Daniel swallowed. “What do you mean?”
“Well, he’s . . .” Dad huffed like he couldn’t quite articulate what he meant. “I couldn’t put my finger on it, but—”
“It was pretty obvious,” Mom muttered. “He was quite obviously a homosexual.”
Daniel nearly choked, but focused on not running off the road.
“That would explain it,” Dad said.
Daniel eyed him. “Explain what?”
“He just seemed . . .” Dad shrugged. “I don’t know. Something about that guy was not right.”
Fury swelled in Daniel’s chest, but he tamped it down. “There’s nothing wrong with him.”
“Unless he really is a homosexual,” Dad said. “Then I’d say there’s plenty wrong with him.”
Daniel clenched his jaw so hard his teeth hurt.
Mom touched his arm. “Honey, you know how we feel about people like him.”
You just don’t know I am people like him.
“I know.” He tightened his grip on the wheel. “But he’s my friend, okay?”
“Well, then maybe he needs you to help him see the light,” she said. “You know what the Bible says. Maybe he doesn’t.”
A sick feeling swelled behind Daniel’s ribs, but he said nothing. And thank God, the airport was just a few more silent, awkward minutes up the road.
At the curb in front of departures, Daniel helped his dad unload the suitcases from the back of the car. Once they were done, he hugged each of his family members in turn.
“Love you guys.” Please go now. “Fly safe.” Don’t come back.
“We will.” Dad hoisted one of the suitcases up off the ground. “We’ll text you when we get home.”
“Sounds good.”
“And don’t forget to talk to your friend,” Mom said. “He’ll thank you for it.”
He’s more likely to thank me for the blowjob he’s going to get in about twenty minutes.
“She’s right, Daniel.” Dad shook his head. “He needs to know. Between being one of them and being covered in tattoos, it’s a wonder he hasn’t died of AIDS yet.”
Daniel’s stomach flipped, and he had to clench his jaw to force back the nausea. “I won’t forget.”
“Okay.” Mom smiled as if Dad hadn’t just been disgustingly crass. “We’ll talk to you soon. Love you, sweetheart!”
“Love you, too, Mom.”
Christina scowled at their parents, then turned to him. “Guess I’ll see you at Christmas or something.”
Or not. Probably not.
But he managed to smile. “Yeah. See you then.”
A hint of a smile broke through her perma-scowl, and she hugged him. In a whisper so soft, he barely heard it over the idling engine, she said, “You and Colin are adorable together.”
Daniel froze. When she pulled back, she winked. Then she grabbed her suitcase and started after their parents into the airport. She didn’t look back.
For a moment, he just stared at their backs. She knew? And she . . . thought they were cute together? Though he was still queasy over his parents’ comments, Christina’s parting words gave him a glimmer of hope he hadn’t had before. Maybe he wasn’t the only one who’d questioned some of the shit they’d all grown up on.
And she has to go home with them. Poor kid.
He couldn’t stay parked here much longer, and cars were starting to line up, so he dropped into the driver’s seat. With a long sigh, he let his head fall back against the seat. “Fucking finally.” He loved them to death, but he was exhausted. He was no longer used to keeping up the pious heterosexual front. Now that he was out of practice, pretending to be Straight Daniel had worn thin real quick.
Thin enough, apparently, that his sister had seen right through it.
Well, he’d get in touch with her later. For n
ow, there was someone else he desperately needed to see.
He swung by the base to give the car back to Potter and get his truck. Then he drove like a bat out of hell toward Virginia Beach. On the way, he started to relax, and he felt like it was the first time he’d done that since his folks had arrived. Even the night he’d spent with Colin had been tense and frustrating in its own way. Scorching hot and desperately needed, but stressful.
Now, they didn’t have to sneak around anymore. No more feeling like he was sixteen, worrying about getting caught in bed with his boyfriend. Hopefully Shane was working tonight because Daniel had every intention of taking Colin to bed and knocking some plaster off the walls.
He drove just a little bit faster.
* * *
Daniel walked into Skin Deep, Inc., and the second he met Colin’s eyes . . .
Oh fuck.
Colin looked away. His jaw was tight, and so were his lips.
Something isn’t right.
“Hey.” Daniel leaned on the counter. “What’s up?”
Colin smiled, but it seemed forced. Really forced. “Your parents are on their way home?”
“Yep.” Daniel checked his watch. “They should be boarding right about now.”
“Good. Good.” No relief whatsoever. Not a trace of anything except something Daniel couldn’t put his finger on. Whatever it was, it wasn’t good.
He cleared his throat. “Is, uh, everything okay?”
Colin kept his eyes down.
Daniel’s heart thumped. “Colin?”
“Listen, um . . .” Colin drummed his fingers on the counter. Funny how there was this narrow space between them, and Daniel swore Colin had never felt so far away. Just like when he was sitting in that pew with his family last Sunday.
Finally, Colin sighed. Rubbing the back of his neck, he said, “I’ve been thinking about things. And I . . . I can’t do this, Daniel. I’m sorry.”
Daniel’s heart dropped into his feet. “What? What do you mean?”
“This.” Colin gestured at himself, then Daniel. “I . . . I just can’t.”
Panic surged through Daniel’s veins. “You’re breaking this off?”
Colin nodded. “I don’t know what else to do.”
“But why? Did I . . . what did I do?”
“Nothing. You did nothing. You’re . . .” Colin exhaled, shoulders sagging. “God, you’re perfect.” He swallowed hard. “But I can’t be your secret. I could see how much it stressed you out, having me there with your parents. How long are you going to put up with that before you start resenting me?”
“Resenting you?” Daniel shook his head. “For what? It’s their shit, not yours.”
“No, but I saw how much it was killing you when I was there.”
“Because of them, not—”
“But also because of me.” Colin shifted his weight, fidgeting like his skin was crawling just from talking about this. “And eventually you’re going to get tired of that. Every time you talk to them, you’re going to have to choose between telling them about us, and chaining yourself in the closet. Every. Time.”
Daniel’s stomach flipped. He would, wouldn’t he?
“It kills me to put you in that position, Daniel. And I have to . . .” Colin took a deep breath and looked Daniel square in the eyes. “The thing is, I have to protect myself, too. My mental health is already fucked up. I’ve worked my ass off to get my life as close to normal as it’ll ever be again.” He dropped his gaze and swallowed again, with what seemed like a lot more effort this time. “I know you love your family. I would never tell you to choose them over me. But I have to take care of me, too. I just . . . I can’t do this.”
Daniel wanted to protest, but he had nothing. Even if he’d known what to say, there wasn’t enough air for him to speak.
Colin must’ve thought the silence meant he needed to go on, so he did. “I’m not going to be the wedge between you and your family, and I’m also not going to compromise my own mental health for their homophobia.” He kept his gaze down as he rubbed the back of his neck. “You’re either going to be stressed as hell about keeping me a secret, or you’re going to come out to them and resent me for the fallout.”
Anger finally cut through the shock and confusion, and Daniel threw up his hands. “Do you hear yourself? You’re making all these decisions for me. Telling me how I’m going to feel and what I’m going to do. Don’t I get a say? In any of this?”
“I’ve seen this shit too many times.” He sighed as he lowered his hand, and when he met Daniel’s gaze, his expression was taut with pain and exhaustion. “No matter how much we tell ourselves otherwise, this kind of thing always plays out the same way.” He shook his head. “I can’t do it. I just can’t put myself in this position. I’m sorry.”
“So that’s . . .” Daniel swallowed. “That’s it?”
Colin nodded. “It has to be. I wish it wasn’t, but . . .”
There was nothing left to say, was there? Or if it wasn’t, well, Daniel had never even had a boyfriend before, so he’d sure as hell never been dumped. He didn’t know what to say. Do. Think. Feel.
All he knew was that for the first time ever, this was the last place he wanted to be.
“I’m, uh, gonna go.”
Colin kept his gaze down and nodded again, but he said nothing.
Walking away after that first parking lot blowjob had been awkward, but not nearly as uncomfortable as this.
Numbly, Daniel started the truck and left the parking lot. He didn’t look back, though. On autopilot, he drove far enough to be out of sight, and then pulled over.
Engine idling, he closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.
What the hell just happened?
The last week and a half had been tough, and the day they’d spent together with his family hadn’t been easy, but that was over now. His family was well on their way back to Idaho. Now he and Colin should’ve been able to go back to trying to break Colin’s bed.
But . . . this.
The worst part was he couldn’t even argue. Staying in the closet had always been excruciating. Keeping a lid on the fact that he was dating Colin? So much worse. He’d never truly understood until this past week how hard it could be just to keep his hands off the man he’d gotten so used to sleeping next to. Or what it would be like to have sex while being constantly afraid of being caught. Or when they went out with his folks, how much he’d have to make a concerted effort to not even look in Colin’s direction for more than a few seconds. Like how he’d been constantly tugging at his shirt and fussing with his collar just to make sure a tattoo didn’t accidentally show.
So how long would it take before he got tired of that shit? And could he really convince himself he’d choose Colin over his family? Maybe if they’d been together five, ten, fifteen years and knew their relationship had some staying power. But after a couple of months of fucking each other senseless? When Daniel had never even been in a relationship before? Not a chance.
Sure, their homophobia drove him crazy. He’d resented it from the first time he’d realized why he enjoyed the swimming, diving, and gymnastics events at the Olympics so much, and when he’d realized his parents were chanting at him at those protests.
But . . . they’re my parents. What am I supposed to do?
His throat ached and tears welled up in his eyes. Maybe Colin was right. Maybe this was just as well. Maybe he was saving them both some serious pain down the line.
But what am I supposed to do about the pain right now?
Chapter 29
Colin could barely move. His head alternated between spinning and throbbing as he sat in the swivel chair in the back of the tattoo shop. His client had just left, freshly inked and bandaged, and Colin was more wrung out than he’d been in ages.
It had been a simple piece—yet another rose with a stem no longer than his index finger on the shoulder of yet another college freshman—and somehow it had left him feeling like he’d just
done a marathon session on an elaborate back piece. Thank God he had no more appointments today, but a walk-in could show up at any moment.
Skull pounding, he downed most of a bottle of water. Maybe that would help. Probably not. He wasn’t dehydrated. Just exhausted. His blood sugar was probably in the toilet, too. That would explain why he was so lethargic and couldn’t concentrate.
Or you could try putting some food in your face and see what happens.
Just thinking about eating made his stomach lurch, so he banished the thought. There probably was some truth to it. After all, he couldn’t remember when he’d last eaten. He didn’t dare look at his food log, and dreaded showing it to Amanda. Had he even remember to update it? Because for the past few days, ever since he’d called it off with Daniel, he’d been in a fog. He couldn’t remember the name of his last client, whether or not she’d paid him, or if he’d cleaned off his workstation.
Shit. Did I clean everything up?
He pushed himself up out of the chair and paused to give his head a chance to stop spinning. Or at least slow down. When he was sure he wouldn’t pass out, he stepped out of the back and craned his neck to check his workstation.
Spotless. Of course.
He felt like an idiot for even second-guessing himself. Matt and Pete were out here working, and neither of them would ever have missed the opportunity to give him shit for not sanitizing his work area. After all, he was the one who usually got on their cases for it.
“Hey, boss.” Matt’s voice turned his head. “You staying tonight?”
God. Just the thought of staying late exhausted him. Everything exhausted him. He had nothing left and no reserves to tap into.
He sighed. “I don’t know. Don’t have any appointments. You need the night off?”
“Actually, I’ve got a client who wants to come in tonight. If you’re just here for walk-ins and need to take off, I can hold down the fort.”
“That’d be great. Thanks.”
“Don’t mention it.”
Now all he had to do was get out of here early and try to get some sleep. Then he could handle staying late tomorrow.