A serious expression came over Nic and his smile disappeared. Confusion and hurt coated his eyes, making the color darker. “Obviously, I don’t understand what you are thinking, my lovely. Why would you want a blacksmith when you can have me?” He moved closer. “Tabitha, why can’t you see that you already have me? You need not look for another man at all. The last we had spoken on this subject, you were very much aware of my feelings for you. In fact, you had given me the impression that you returned them…quite eagerly, if I remember correctly.”
Her heart sank, and her chest tightened. It had become hard to breathe. This time it had nothing to do with Nic’s nearness. It was the catch in his voice that let her know she’d just hurt him.
Now was not the time to explain in full detail why she couldn’t love him—why it was impossible for him to love her. But she must say something.
“Tabitha?” he asked again when she hadn’t spoken for a few minutes. “Please tell me.”
She heaved a heavy and difficult sigh. “Oh, Nic. It’s true that I led you to believe I had wanted to be with you, but since then I have done a lot of thinking.” She took a quick glance over her shoulder to see if the others were coming. Thankfully, they still stood in the same spot, chatting away. She walked closer to the ball she’d just thrown. “I have come to realize that there is no way we can ever be together.”
Nic kept in step beside her. “I’m not going to play the clergyman role forever, you know. You and I can—and will—be together soon.”
“No, Nic.” She faced him and stared deep into his eyes. “A marquis and a servant woman can never be together. Not the right way.”
“But, for some reason which you haven’t quite explained, you’re not a servant any longer.”
“That doesn’t matter. Because I’ve been a servant all my life, my status is different than yours. We come from two different worlds—worlds that will never allow a servant to love a marquis. The decision is out of our hands. As much as it pains me to say this, I know I must look for another man. I must find one more to my class, just as you should find a woman closer to yours.”
The voices from the others grew louder, and Tabitha blinked back the tears that were going to make their debut very soon. Out of the corner of her eyes, she saw Mr. Jacobs walking toward her—without Sally. Taking a deep breath to refresh her emotions, she turned just in time as he stopped beside her.
“I see you are doing very well in this game.”
She forced herself to smile. “But of course. I have played this sport many times, and just like my aunt, this is one of my favorites.”
She peeked over her shoulder at Nic. He wasn’t smiling as he’d been doing since arriving for the luncheon. Pain was evident on his face, especially in his deep frown. It hurt to know she was the cause. But really, there wasn’t anything she could do to change it. She was who she was, and he would always be a marquis. Neither of them could change their stations in life.
Sally came closer and Tabitha turned her attention toward her friend. The maid’s smile was much brighter than Tabitha had seen before. Another pain sliced through her heart. How could she have been so jealous of her friend when Sally deserved happiness just as much as the next woman?
Tabitha would happily surrender Mr. Jacobs over to Sally. As much as she liked the man and thought him a pleasant fellow, he couldn’t take her mind off Nic, and after all, that was one of the reasons she searched for a man. Now she was beginning to believe there was no such man out there. Nic would be a hard person to forget.
As the others continued to play, helplessness grew heavy within Tabitha. Was she destined to be the only one who would never find happiness? Although it was within grasp, she couldn’t snatch it. The ton dictated what class of person was allowed to marry a servant, and Nic was definitely not in that category.
Tabitha hurried the others in the game, mainly because she couldn’t wait for this luncheon to end. She needed to be by herself. Seeing how much Nic appeared wounded by her confession, it nearly destroyed her. She couldn’t take it anymore.
Finally, the luncheon came to an end. Nic was actually the first one to leave. He talked to Aunt Clara and Mrs. Stiles, but not once did he look Tabitha’s way. That injured her heart more than she was prepared for. Tears stung her eyes, but she blinked quickly, refusing to shed them.
Soon afterwards, Mr. Jacobs made his excuse to leave, and within minutes, he was gone. Sally appeared much too happy, and even though Tabitha should be elated over her friend’s joy, that emotion just was not there.
“Sally, I would stay to help you clean up the dishes, but I fear I have a terrible headache, and I need to lie down.”
Sally shook her head. “You don’t need to help me. I can do this myself.”
Mrs. Stiles and Aunt Clara didn’t say anything to Tabitha as she made her way back inside the house. Of course, they didn’t hide the sadness in their eyes as they watched her depart, but thankfully, they didn’t comment about it, either.
When she reached her room and closed the door, the tears she’d been holding back rushed forth. None of this was fair. As much as she wanted to change things, she couldn’t. Frustration built inside of her, making her want to lash out at something—or someone.
She paced the small space in her room, but that only aggravated her more. Outside was where she needed to be—outside breathing in the fresh ocean air that had brought comfort to her since her arrival here.
She grabbed her shawl and flung open her bedroom door. She flew down the stairs in a whirlwind of confusion and rage, and left the house as if the devil himself were on her heels.
Before reaching the gate, someone called her name from over by the shade tree. Her heart sped faster, recognizing the sound of his voice before she was able to see his face. Nic leaned against the tree with his arms folded over his chest. Sadness encased his face, tearing at her heart even more.
She clutched her hands against her middle and walked to him. The tall hedges around the fence would help block anyone passing by on the street from seeing and becoming curious. When she reached him, she stopped.
“I have just one thing to ask,” he said softly.
She nodded, but didn’t dare speak for fear her voice would crack with emotion.
“Do you love me?”
She sucked in a quick breath of air. Love? Why would he ask such a question? “My lord, I don’t understand why you need to know that. After all, you have not confessed to me anything of the sort. True, I know you care about me, as I care about you, but…love?”
His expression didn’t change; he only blinked a couple of times. “Tabitha, you didn’t answer the question. Do you love me?”
“I—I—um, I don’t know.” Confusion strummed through her, making her want to cry. Although she might love him, she didn’t want to. Loving him would only break her heart. “Oh, Nic, I just don’t know what I feel anymore. I know you think I don’t know my own mind, and maybe I don’t.” She rubbed her forehead. “Perhaps all I need is to just get away from you for a few days to think—” She shook her head, knowing that wasn’t the answer. “But really, I don’t hear you confessing words of love toward me.” She took a deep breath and quickly continued, “And do you know why you don’t? It’s because deep down inside, you know loving me is impossible. We are from two different worlds and we can never be together.”
His jaw hardened and he nodded once. “That’s all I need to know.” He moved away from her, his feet tearing up the grass as if he couldn’t wait to put distance between the two of them. Soon he was out of the yard and storming down the street toward his cousin’s house.
Agony wrenched her heart, and tears came once again. Sobs escaped her throat as her legs took her in the opposite direction toward the ocean. A small wind blew, but the coolness against her skin refreshed her slightly. Tears streamed down her face in buckets by the time she reached the beach, but she didn’t care if anyone saw. Thankfully, the only people out for a stroll this afternoon were
farther up the beach and wouldn’t disturb her.
She found a sawed off tree trunk by the grassy cliff and sat, gazing out across the ocean. Closing her eyes, she took deep breaths and literally felt herself becoming calmer. The sound of the rushing water and the waves of the ocean did that to her. This morning’s accident had scared her and her life did flash before her eyes, but she was glad it didn’t take away her love for the soothing waters.
Thinking back about her days here, she realized she really loved this place, but if Nic remained close by, it would be impossible to stay here. She prayed he’d help his cousin find their thief so that the marquis could return to his own home in Mayfair.
“Oh, Nic,” she muttered. “Why are you doing this to me?”
She covered her hands over her face and sobbed, body-shaking, heart-wrenching cries. Resting her elbows on her knees, she continued to let her grief out the only way she knew. Yet, no matter how hard she cried, grief still stayed inside her. She would never be able to remove Nic from her thoughts or her heart. She’d always remember his endearing words. Her mind would never forget the way his eyes lit up when he smiled and winked at her. And his kiss was permanently branded on her mouth. Life as she knew it would be miserable from this day forward.
Behind her, the leaves of the bushes rustled, startling her. Within an instant, her sobbing stopped as she spun around to see what had made the noise. Through her teary vision, an older woman came toward her, brushing her sand-covered hands against the skirt of her dress.
“Miss Paget? Is that you?”
Inwardly, Tabitha groaned. She didn’t want to speak to anyone, especially the meddlesome Miss Talbot. Quickly, Tabitha turned her head to wipe the tears off her cheeks and in her eyes.
“Oh, dear. You are crying.”
Tabitha didn’t look at the other woman, but continued to fight her emotions from boiling over again. She must stop this madness. Crying wouldn’t do her any good at all. “I shall be fine, I assure you.” Her voice squeaked.
Miss Talbot placed a soothing hand on Tabitha’s shoulder. “Now, my dear, it’ll help you more if you let it out. You can talk to me. Everyone knows I’m a good listener.”
Tabitha wanted to chuckle, but she stopped herself. She wondered where the older woman had gotten that bit of information. Not once had Tabitha heard that Miss Talbot was a good listener.
“I really appreciate the offer,” Tabitha said, “but I don’t wish to talk about it.”
“Now, Miss Paget,” Miss Talbot grasped one of Tabitha’s hands and squeezed, “you can tell me anything. In fact, by the forlorn look on your face, I think you have had your heart crushed by a man. Am I correct?”
Surprise washed through Tabitha that the maiden woman would know such a thing. But instead of being too stunned to speak, the tears fell freely once more and she couldn’t stop them. She covered her face and sobbed into her hands. Miss Talbot’s arms circled around her shoulders as a hand coaxed Tabitha’s head toward the other woman’s bosom—which seemed to have beads of sand on the material of her dress.
“There, there, my dear. Just let it all out now,” Miss Talbot cooed.
Tabitha didn’t know why she felt this way. Perhaps she just needed the comfort an older woman could bring—even if she didn’t think Miss Talbot had ever experienced this kind of helplessness.
“Am I correct?” the lady asked. “Is this all because of a man?”
Sniffling, Tabitha pulled away and gazed up into the caring eyes of the older woman. “I shouldn’t bother you with my problems.” She skimmed over the woman’s dress. “Were you digging in the sand? I don’t wish to disturb you.”
“Do not worry about me.” She flipped her hand in the air. “One of the things I enjoy doing is collecting seashells. But I’m here for you now. Please tell me what is wrong. Did a man break your heart?”
“In a way, but it’s really more than that. I’m very upset with how unfair life can be at times.”
Nodding, Miss Talbot stroked a palm down Tabitha’s arm. “I feel your frustration. Indeed, life is not fair. But we must continue on. We must pick ourselves up, lift our chin, straighten our shoulders, and keep looking for that one person who will love us forever.”
“But I think I’ve found him. It’s just…” Tabitha took a deep breath. “It’s just that society won’t approve.”
The older woman arched an eyebrow. “And why not, may I ask?”
“Because Nic is a marquis, and I’m but…a servant.”
“You’re not a servant.” Miss Talbot looked her over once.
“Not now, but I grew up as one. It hasn’t been until recently that I discovered a family I never knew would accept me. This family gives me a yearly income so I don’t have to work as a servant anymore.”
The woman pursed her lips together and nodded. “I see. So you are worried about what the ton will say if you fall in love with a marquis?”
“I already know what they’ll say.” Sadness clenched Tabitha’s chest so tight she could scarcely breathe. “They won’t approve. Nic deserves a noble wife. He doesn’t deserve a woman who was the by-product of an affair, and then worked as a servant all of her life.”
“Oh, my dear, dear, girl.” Miss Talbot shook her head. “Do you know what you need? You need to come with me and let me fix you some relaxing tea. We could sit in a room without anyone bothering us, and talk over tea and treats.”
Tabitha tried to smile, but failed miserably. “I appreciate your hospitality, but I really don’t wish to bother you, nor your sister. I’m sure Mrs. Smythe is there and I don’t want anyone else knowing about my problems.”
“Not to worry.” Miss Talbot slid her arm around Tabitha’s shoulders and urged her to walk away from the beach. “My sister is out visiting friends this afternoon. We shall have the house to ourselves."
Tabitha glanced up the beach, but didn’t immediately recognize anyone. Of course, through her teary gaze, she was certain she couldn’t see that well, anyway. As much as she wanted to stay right here, the older woman was right. Out on the beach Tabitha would risk the chance of running into someone—even Nic. All she wanted to do was be alone, but at least Miss Talbot offered her an afternoon to do nothing but talk out her problems. Tabitha would have to be careful not to let the other woman know about the role Nic played right now, but perhaps talking to another woman would help her feel better. The way it appeared right now; Miss Talbot was the means of an escape, both mentally and physically.
“All right, I shall come with you.” Tabitha tried to smile again, and finally managed a weak one.
“Splendid. Just this morning, our cook made a batch of the most delicious cookies you have ever tasted. We shall munch on those and sip our tea, and you will feel much better within a few hours, I assure you.”
“Thank you, Miss Talbot.”
Taking a deep breath, Tabitha wiped her eyes again. She prayed that this heartache would soon leave so that she could return to her life once again.
* * * *
Nic wanted to leave this place. Now! Unfortunately, Frederick wasn’t here, and so Nic must wait for his cousin’s return before packing up and leaving North Devon. At this point, he didn’t care to help his cousin catch the thief. He was certain that one day the sinner would make a mistake and get caught.
Impatient for Frederick’s appearance, Nic rushed up the stairs to his room and started packing his trunks. It didn’t take long before the afternoon ended and night crept upon the land. With nothing to do now, Nic was beside himself. He was ready to leave, yet where was his cousin?
Threading his fingers through his hair, he left his bedroom and wandered downstairs, hoping to find a flask or bottle of whiskey—or anything that could be used to dull his mind. The only strong drink that Frederick had in his house was wine. That would certainly not do!
He was tempted to dress in his own clothes and go to the local tavern. He paused in thought, and then growled, scrubbing his hands over his bearded face. Unfortunate
ly, he wasn’t able to shave off this bothersome facial hair, and because of that, everyone would think he was the clergyman. And men of God definitely didn’t get drunk…in front of others and in a local establishment, anyway.
He stopped near the window. Shadows gradually grew on the ground as the sun slowly disappeared on the horizon. His mind wouldn’t stop reliving the conversations with Tabitha this afternoon. Why had he given his heart to the woman in the first place? Hadn’t he learned years ago that loving a woman made men vulnerable? Obviously, Nic had forgotten that hard lesson in life and decided to try his luck at love once more.
Groaning, he closed his eyes and pressed his head against the window frame. Tabitha had hinted not once, but a couple of times, that he hadn’t confessed to loving her. Yet, deep in his heart, he had definitely reached that point. So why hadn’t he said those three important words to her? Had she been correct to assume the reason he didn’t voice his feelings was because deep down he realized their love could never be? A marquis and a servant could never marry.
As much as his mind wanted to argue the point, he knew she had been correct.
He cursed fate for handing him a raw deal. He’d watched his friends fall in love and marry the perfect woman, so why couldn’t Nic? Perhaps he was destined to be a rogue forever. He glanced down at his clergyman clothes and plucked at the black jacket. If he was meant to be a rogue, then why was he still dressed like this?
Suddenly, a knock pounded on the front door, breaking the stillness of the evening and jarring Nic away from his thoughts. He cleared his throat and went to the door to open it. Sally stood on the porch, wringing her hands against her middle.
“My lord,” she said softly, “forgive me for coming to see you, but I’m wondering…do you know where Tabitha is?”
His mind jumped back to the last time he’d seen Tabitha by the tree in front of her aunt’s house. She’d been so very lovely wearing that gold and white gown with her hair done up beautifully, making her look like a regal woman. The emotions he’d experienced while gazing upon her during that time also returned. It had been so hard not to take her into his arms and hold her the way he’d wanted…and to kiss her with so much passion.
The Sweetest Secret Page 19