Kipa stretched out his hands, opening them up to me. “Raven, it wasn’t your fault. So you let down your guard? You were just trying to help someone that you thought was caught in a predicament. You were being a good person. We shouldn’t have to live in a world where we’re constantly wondering if someone’s going to kill us. We shouldn’t have to pause when we meet someone because we don’t know if they’re going to turn out to be a psycho. You’re not the one with the problem.”
I took his hands in mine, squeezing hard. “The world has always been like this. And it probably will always be like this. But I’ve changed. My mother didn’t like the fact that I wanted to hang around humans so much, that I’m an Exosan. She warned me and she cautioned my father when she realized that I liked people more than she thought appropriate. Now I understand why.” I worried my lip as I looked up to meet his gaze. The warmth in his eyes flooded my heart, making me feel even more torn.
“That’s why you’ve backed away, isn’t it? You’re afraid we’ll get too close, and being close means being vulnerable.”
I nodded, tears streaking down my cheek. “I care about you more than I’ve ever cared about anybody except for Ulstair and Raj. But I loved Ulstair and he died. And I almost died in the same way. I don’t understand what’s going on.”
Kipa paused. “For one thing, no, for most people it’s not normal to run into two serial killers in a lifetime. But think about it. You’re friends with Herne and Ember, and their business specializes with murderers and monsters and things that go bump in the night. And then, you’re a bone witch, so of course you’re steeped in the world of spirits. You’re bound to find yourself dealing with people who’ve been murdered.”
“Good point,” I said, letting his words sink in.
“You live in a shadow world, Raven. There’s no mysterious curse on your head, there’s no hex binding you to a life filled with the Ted Bundys of the world. Your world surrounds death and ghosts, and where there’s death, there will be murder and accidents and terrible things that caused people to lose their lives.” He paused, looking frustrated. “I don’t know if I’m saying this the best way, or if I’m making any sense.”
He wouldn’t let go of my hands, keeping me focused on him. I took a few deep breaths, thinking about what he said.
“Yeah, I do see that. I didn’t think about it in those terms,” I said.
“At the core of it, though, I think you’re afraid. Pandora caught you and had you under her control. Until then, you had tremendous self-confidence. Unfortunately, the gods are stronger than the Ante-Fae. There’s always going to be someone stronger than you, and there’s always going to be someone weaker. Even among the gods, we have to face that. We may not be mortal, but we aren’t all-powerful. Right now, Annwn is buzzing as the gods try to figure out how to deal with Typhon. All of us together aren’t as powerful as he is. And Mielikki’s Arrow, and Odin’s Chase, and Diana’s Hounds, and dozens of other organizations and groups in the divine community are facing the same thing. Typhon is one of the ancient Titans. He’s the Father of Dragons. Together, the gods can’t defeat him. Not yet. And even then, we’ll only be able to drive him back into stasis. He’s one of the Immortals. So you see, there’s always somebody bigger and badder. And that’s scary when you’ve run into them and seen firsthand what they can—and will—do.”
I glanced to the side, making sure Raj was still within sight. Then, I slowly turned back to Kipa. “A question. The gods are immortal, so doesn’t that give you some peace of mind? I mean, I know I might as well be immortal compared to a human, but… When I was lying there on that table I felt my life slipping away. And I realized that I can and will die someday. And it was a shock.”
He thought about it for a moment, then shook his head. “I think it goes beyond that. I think you’ve always understood your mortality. But isn’t it possible that a deeper fear crept in—the fear and realization that you had no control? That somebody had power over you? As long as I’ve known you, you’ve never let anyone dictate what you do, what you wear, who you choose as friends. The moment that Pandora captured you, she stripped all of your autonomy away, and you were entirely in her power. You were totally vulnerable.”
I stared at him, feeling short of breath. The panic rose, coursing through my veins. Everything began to spin as the world spiraled out from beneath my feet. Even though we were outside, I felt as though everything was closing in. I pulled my hands away from Kipa, stumbling over the bench as I tried to back away.
“No, I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to remember!”
I grabbed the sides of my head, falling to my knees as the world spun around me.
I was back in the cavern with Pandora standing over me and her laugh echoed from every side of the chamber. I began to whimper as I realized she’d stripped away my ability to withstand pain. And I heard myself screaming, begging my mother to help me, begging my father to rescue me. And then I was begging for Kipa to save me, but no one was there. No one except for Pandora and me, locked in a dark little world where she could do anything she wanted and there was nothing I could do to stop her.
“Raven! Raven, are you all right? Raven, speak to me!”
Kipa’s voice echoed through the fog in my head, cutting through the mist like a lifeline. I grabbed hold of it, and he pulled me out.
Terrified, I leaned into his embrace as he held me, murmuring gently.
“Raven? Is Raven okay?” Raj’s voice echoed and I opened my eyes to find him leaning against me. I turned, throwing my arms around his neck, leaning my head against his back as I sobbed. I couldn’t talk, couldn’t even think, but at least I could smell the grass and the trees around me, and I was breathing freely again.
“Oh my love, I’m so sorry.” Kipa’s voice was gentle, as he stroked the hair back from my face. “I didn’t mean to trigger you.”
“I know you didn’t. I know you were just trying to help.”
I could barely catch my voice, but as I glanced up at him I saw the worry and the love in his eyes and even though we hadn’t said those words, I could feel that he cared about me, and that he loved me.
“I’m sorry. Maybe you’re right, maybe it’s time I talked to someone about this. I can’t believe she did this to me,” I said, still crying angry tears. “I hate that she lives in my head. It would be different if we had been able to kill her. She’d be gone. But she’s still out there.”
“I know, and we’ll do everything we can to make sure she never comes back. Herne suggested that Ferosyn could find you a therapist.” He said the latter gingerly, as though I were going to bite his head off. I didn’t blame him. I had done a lot of biting lately.
I kissed Raj again, then brushed my hands over my eyes, trying to wipe away the tears. “Yeah. Would you call him for me? Ask him if he could contact Ferosyn? I know that he helped Rafé after his ordeal.”
“And you didn’t look down on Rafé for asking for help, did you?” Kipa extended his hand, helping me stand. Raj stuck close to my feet, keeping just out of the way.
I shook my head. “No, in fact I suggested he ask for help. I guess I just never thought I would be in the position to need to do the same.” I paused, then turned to Kipa. “Trinity is just a friend. Please don’t feel insecure or jealous. I don’t want to push you away, even though I know that I’ve been hard to live with the past few weeks. I want you in my life.”
Kipa stared at me for a moment, and I wasn’t sure what he was going to say. Part of me was afraid that it was too late, that I had been too difficult to handle.
But when he spoke, his voice was soft—not angry. “When Herne and I were looking for you, I told him something. I was going to tell you when we found you, but everything was so mixed up and you were so hurt. So I put it on the back burner, hoping for the right time. I think now is that time.”
A chill raced across my heart. Barely able to breathe, I asked, “What is it?”
“I love you, Raven. I loved yo
u for a while now, but I thought it was too early to say so.”
I closed my eyes, reeling with the words. “You aren’t going to leave me? I haven’t driven you away?”
He shook his head, a smile widening across his face. “No, babe. I don’t promise forever, I don’t think any of the gods or the Ante-Fae can do that. But I’m here, and I love you, and I’ll stay as long as you want me.”
With those words, he broke through the wall and I burst into tears again, crying for the pain I had endured, crying for Pandora’s other victims, crying for the darkness the world was facing, and crying because I had lost my heart to a god and I knew that I couldn’t pretend otherwise anymore.
“I love you too, Kipa.”
And with that, we walked back to the house and shut out the night, safely behind locked doors.
Chapter Five
I woke up the next morning, squinting as sunlight filtered between the drapes. I glanced over my shoulder to see Kipa snoring away, the covers half-sprawled over his torso. We hadn’t made love, but that was okay. It was going to take me a while to get back in the groove, and I was grateful that he hadn’t pushed me. I could tell he was more than ready—his cock was peeking out from behind the covers, fully erect and ready—but last night he had simply given me a long back massage, not pushing and not trying to rush me. Then he brought me pizza and milk in bed, and rubbed my feet while I ate. I slept better than I had in weeks.
I yawned and stretched. The exhaustion I had felt every morning since I had gotten home from Annwn seemed to have lifted. I knew it was too good to last, at least for now, but it was a welcome respite. Heading over to the window, I opened the sash, leaning on the sill as the fresh breeze wafted through. A nice tall fence separated me from the neighbors, so they couldn’t see in, and the breeze felt good against my naked body.
“Good morning,” Kipa said.
I turned around, smiling as he pushed himself up against the headboard so he was sitting up. I opened the door and Raj came in, lumbering over to crawl on the bed. Kipa rubbed him on the back, and Raj let out a little grunt of enjoyment. He liked being petted, even though the leathery skin was about as far from fur as you could get.
“I need to take a shower and then tend to the ferrets.” I turned to Kipa. “Would you feed Raj and start breakfast for us?”
He nodded. “Sure thing. Angel taught me how to make French toast the other day. Would you like that?”
“That sounds good, and bacon. Lots of bacon.” I looked at Raj. “And don’t you try to wheedle Kipa into giving you cat food this morning. I think you need something a bit more nutritious.” It wasn’t that cat food was bad for him; but it was an expensive treat and I had been giving it to him to make up for feeling emotionally distant. While I felt good, it was time to start breaking some bad habits I’d let myself fall into. “If you’d make Raj some oatmeal and some eggs, that would be good. Meanwhile, I’m going to get my ass in the shower and have a good wash.”
As I padded into the bathroom, I heard Kipa getting up and dressing. I closed the door softly behind me, staring at myself in the mirror.
The tattoos covering my body—well, they were actually birthmarks, although they looked like tattoos—seemed more vivid than they had been in weeks. When I was feeling subpar, they seemed to mute, though they never left me entirely. Today, they seemed to sparkle more.
The patterns were from my parents. The wings swirling on my back were a mark that my mother was one of the Bean Sidhe—the Queen, actually. Some of the others that worked their way down my arms and across my chest and torso I had inherited from my father, the Black Dog of Hanging Hills. Curikan was his name.
I shook my hair. It now reached to my lower back and I was trying to decide whether to have a few inches cut off or not. It was black with purple streaks that run through it—another natural coloration.
I headed to the shower, turning the water to a pleasantly warm setting. As I slipped in under the spray, I caught my breath and closed my eyes as I relaxed. I lathered up, suddenly realizing that I was aroused as I brushed the loofah over my nipples. I hadn’t felt sexual in weeks, either. I thought about calling Kipa in, but then decided that I didn’t want to start something I might not be able to finish. I didn’t want to disappoint him, or myself. I turned the water to cold, blasting myself with an icy rinse, and stepped out of the stall.
I finished washing my hair, then quickly dried off. As I pulled out my blow dryer, I couldn’t get my mind off the spirit who had screamed for help. My normal inclination would be to check out the situation and help if I could. And right there, I decided that I wouldn’t let my fear stop me from doing the right thing. I made a decision to go check out the building and see what I could find out. Llew was right. I couldn’t lock myself away forever. It was time to ask for help and reclaim my life. But I’d learned my lesson. Never trust strangers, and don’t make friends so fast.
I dressed and headed for the ferrets’ room.
Gordon and Templeton were still snoozing, but Elise was awake and waiting for me. They weren’t really ferrets—or rather they were, but they were more than ferrets. I had discovered three spirits cursed and trapped in a tree up on Mount Rainier years before, and in trying to free them, I had ended up turning them into ferrets. Now, they were trapped in their ferret bodies, living far beyond the average lifespan of the creatures.
Gordon, pure white and slinky, had practically turned into a ferret, and Templeton, all black, was headed that way, though he was still able to resist the temptation to give in and let the animal nature take over. But Elise, who was sable brown and lovely, had managed to keep her sense of self. She stood up to the cage as I came in, her nose moving a mile a minute.
“Good morning, Elise. How are you doing?” I hadn’t spent much time with them the past few weeks, though I always made sure their cages were cleaned and they were taken care of.
Elise stared at me for a moment, then—as I unlocked the cage door so they could have a run around the room—she cocked her head.
I was wondering the same thing. How are you, Raven? I’m not quite sure what happened, but you’ve been acting distant lately, and nervous.
Elise’s thoughts came through quite clearly to me. I wasn’t sure how we managed to communicate, but I just appreciated that we could. I pressed my lips together for a moment, then sat at the table, picking her up so she could sit on my lap. Although Elise remembered her days when she had been alive, she still liked to be petted and groomed, like most pets.
“I know, and I’m sorry. I haven’t really wanted to talk about everything that’s happened. I had… I was…” I paused, not wanting to distress her. But she could tell when I was covering up something, and she had become a good friend over the years. I felt I owed her the truth.
“I was caught by an emissary for Typhon. Remember, I told you about him?”
Yes, the Father of Dragons.
“That’s right. He’s broken out of his slumber and he’s hiding somewhere in the Phantom Kingdom right now. But he’s sent emissaries to pave the way, and he’s also unlocked the gates for his children to return. So in December, I ended up being captured by one of his emissaries. Remember when I was gone for a couple weeks?”
Yes, Kipa took care of us during that time.
“Right. I was healing up over in Annwn. Pandora, Zeus’s daughter, is working for Typhon and she caught me. I was tortured and almost didn’t make it. I’ve been having flashbacks since then. I really haven’t been myself. But I am going to talk to Herne’s friend Ferosyn, the healer who patched me up, and see if he can recommend a good therapist. I seem to be having trouble getting over some of the trauma.” I paused, wondering how much to tell her. Elise was a gentle soul, though resilient, and while I counted her a friend, I didn’t like wounding her sensitive nature.
Oh Raven, I’m so sorry. I knew something was wrong, but I had no clue it was anything like that. Is there anything we can do? I know we’re just ferrets now, but…you can alw
ays talk to me if you need to. Elise pressed her front paws against my chest, staring into my face. She nuzzled me with a soft chook-chook.
“Thank you, Elise. You’re sweet and I’m grateful for the offer, but I don’t want to burden you. Seeing a therapist will help more than anything.” Actually, what would help more than anything was to see Pandora dead, but she was a goddess and that wasn’t possible. Next best thing? Mental health therapy.
I stroked her back, smiling as she wriggled in delight. I had promised the ferrets I would search for a curse-breaker to the hex that bound them in ferret form, but I had come up empty time and again. I was starting to think we’d never find anything to help. If that was the case, then eventually even Elise would lose herself into her ferret nature, and they’d live out their days in the quiet world of being pets, returning to the spirits of their former selves after their bodies gave out. But at least they weren’t trapped in a tree anymore.
Witching Moon Page 5