“No, I’m fine.” I didn’t want him to move. I wanted him to stay right where he was and just keep on holding me.
Cindy sighed. “Honestly, Jillian. I hardly thought you were the type to wilt in the face of fame and fortune.”
“What the hell is she talking about?’ Brendan grumbled.
“Didn’t you know? Joyce Reid wants Jillian on her talk show. Rising therapist to the stars. Jillian is the hottest thing right now, and everyone wants a shot at introducing her to the world. Personally, I think that Jillian can do better than Joyce Reid. Sure, she has a popular morning talk show, but she could totally get into one of those prime time shows.”
Brendan’s whole body tensed, and he slowly pulled away. “Is that true? You’re going to be on a talk show?”
I cleared my throat. “I haven’t decided yet.”
“Good,” he snapped. “The answer is no. You’re here to be my wife, not be some famous therapist.”
The air crackled with tension as I slowly straightened. Even Cindy took a step back. “Excuse me?” I said softly. “I didn’t come here to play little ranch wifey. I came here because you blackmailed me into it, remember? Our agreement is over in a few weeks, and I can accept anything that I want after that.”
“A few weeks?” Cindy dared to toe the line in the middle of the confrontation. “You’ll be old news by then. You need to do it now. Next week at the latest. Grab the bull by the horns. This is your opportunity to show them how good you are.”
“How good she is?” Brendan laughed. “You showed up on my doorstep in tears because you didn’t win some stupid award. You think that’s an example of Jillian being a good therapist? She buried her entire past, remade herself, and refuses to deal with her own grief.”
“Don’t you dare,” I hissed.
I had so much more to say, but Cindy burst into tears. As she raced from the stable, I hesitated between my two choices. Set things right with my friend or continue to fight with my husband.
“You’re a bastard,” I growled as I started off to soothe my friend.
“Sure, run away like you always do.”
“I didn’t run away, Brendan.” My voice was cold as I turned back toward him. “I asked for space. You asked for a divorce. You want to know why we didn’t work out? Take a good hard look in the mirror.”
By the time I caught up with Cindy, the anger that was churning inside me was turning into something else. Fear. Was this always how it was going to be with Brendan and me? Great in bed but walled off by the ghost of the things that could have been?
Cindy was sobbing in Hoss’s lap in the guest room. He looked uncomfortable but made no move to remove the weeping actress.
“Can you give us a minute,” I asked quietly. The guard nodded and easily lifted Cindy to the bed. When he closed the door behind him, I took a deep breath. “Cindy, what Brendan said was uncalled for, but he wasn’t really lashing out at you. He’s lashing out at me.”
“He’s right, though,” she whispered. “I’m pathetic.”
“You’re not pathetic.” I wanted to shake the woman. “You live in a different world than we do. A world with different pressure points. All eyes are on you all the time. When you don’t win that award, it’s not just a personal failure. It’s a public one, and it’s difficult to deal with. It takes time to grow a thick skin in Hollywood. It takes time to grow a thick skin anywhere.”
Wiping her tears, she sniffed. “I know that I’m a people pleaser. My parents used to tell me that when I was a teenager, but it’s just who I am. I take everything personally.”
“Therapy isn’t about changing who you are, Cindy. I would never do that. It’s about taking what’s happening to you and dealing with it in a healthy way. When you and Steven broke up, I wanted you to learn what you deserved. When the tabloids gossip about you, I want you to remember it’s because you have power. When you lose an award, I want it to motivate you to do better. And when someone like Brendan is a jackass to you—”
“You want me to grow stronger.”
“As your therapist, yes. But as your friend, I wanted you to slap him.” Happy that she was feeling better, I smiled. “Brendan and I made mistakes when we were married, and it drove us apart. We’re still dealing with those mistakes, and rather than dealing with each other, we’re taking it out on other people.”
“As a therapist, you would know that it’s not healthy,” Cindy said primly.
“That’s very true.” I sighed. “But as a person, I know how hard that is, and it’s why I think I’m going to make a good therapist. A patient one.”
“You’re not going to make a good therapist. You are one. You already have your M.S. Clinical, Practitioner degree, right?”
I nodded. “Yes. That’s true.”
She smiled. “So, see? You might not have finished your doctorate, but you already have a ton of education and experience under your belt. You need to take that interview, Jillian. It’s really going to launch your career.” Leaning over, she gave me a big hug. “And I think it’s time for me to go.”
“Go? I thought you were going to stay a few days.”
“I was, but I don’t need to be here as much as you and your husband need some alone time. I think you need to focus on your problems rather than dealing with mine.”
Part of me didn’t want her to leave. She was an easy shield to hide behind, but I also knew that was wrong. “You can handle anything,” I said as I stood. “You just need to believe in yourself.”
She beamed at me, and I left her to finish packing. It took her almost two hours before she actually pulled out. She had to say goodbye to everyone at the ranch, and even gave Brendan, who was still in his office, a curt goodbye and a thanks for his hospitality.
He apologized for his behavior, but his gaze never left mine.
Finally, we were alone. “She’s not the only one that you owe an apology to.”
“For what? Forbidding you to go on some ridiculous talk show or for leaving you?” he snapped. “Which, I might add, is a bunch of bullshit. You checked out of our relationship long before I brought up divorce.”
My temper spiked. So much for an adult conversation. “I was right there with you, Brendan.”
“The hell you were.” His eyes blazed with anger as he stood. “You needed space, and I gave it to you, but when I tried to touch you again, you flinched. When I tried to get you back out into the world, you dug a deeper hole for yourself.”
Stiffening, I shook my head. “I’m not going to let you do this. I’m not going to let you blame me all over again,” I whispered as I turned and hurried from the office.
He followed me. “You wanted to talk, so we’re going to talk. You left me, Jillian.”
“I really didn’t.” Ranch hands stopped and stared as I hurried by. I would have broken into a full run, but I didn’t want to give Brendan the satisfaction. I wasn’t going to put up with this. I was going to pack and leave. The deal be damned.
When I finally reached the house, I wrenched the door open. I wanted the satisfaction of slamming it in his face, but he was too close and caught it. Pissed, I turned and marched to my room. Pulling out my luggage, I unzipped it and opened it only to have him slam it closed and toss it on the floor.
“What do you want from me?” I hissed. “I was grieving, damn it!”
“And I never got the chance to!”
With his admission, my mouth dropped open. “What?”
Briefly closing his eyes, he ran his hands through his hair and shook his head. “We lost a child, Jillian, but I was so worried about losing my wife that I never got the chance to grieve for the baby. And then I lost you anyway. I let you pull away too far out of my reach, and then I couldn’t get you back. When I said the words divorce, I thought it might snap you back. Make you feel something again, but you just pulled away even further.” He visibly deflated. “You even looked relieved.”
“I thought you blamed me for the baby,” I whispered. “I thoug
ht you hated me.”
“Never.” His arms were around me, and he pulled me toward him. “You blamed yourself. You hated yourself. I could see it in your eyes, but I just couldn’t reach you. I didn’t know what to do or how to help. I thought you would get better if you didn’t have to look at me every day.”
So many mistakes. We’d made so many mistakes.
“I never stopped loving you,” I admitted. “I got so caught up in trying to rebuild my life, in trying to turn myself into someone who couldn’t be hurt again, but I ached for you every single day.”
He kissed me long and hard. “I’m right here, Jillian, and God knows I still love you. I’ve never come close to feeling for anyone else what I feel for you. Just stay with me, and let’s really give this a second chance.”
It was a hurdle I just didn’t know that I could jump. Not after all that I’d done to protect myself. I wanted to tell him that I’d give him everything, but I wasn’t sure I could survive the pain that we went through.
I could give him now, though. I didn’t even think I had a choice. There wasn’t a single part of me that could walk away from him tonight.
He was slow and sweet as he kissed me. A far cry from the frantic lovemaking we’d had this past weekend. It was a jolt to my senses to know that these kinds of feelings were still brewing between us. I wanted to hurry him, to score my nails along his back until it was nothing but pure need, but he just swept me away with his kisses and unspoken promises.
Even still, it was easier to love him this way rather than continue talking. There was still so much that we needed to say. So much that I needed to know. Did he ever really grieve? Did he ever think about more kids? Did he forgive me for walking away?
Instead, I pushed the worry aside and focused on his lips and touch. His fingers moved patiently down my body as he undressed me. Sweet. Sensual. Every touch made me ache for more, but he couldn’t be rushed. I nearly choked on my impatience but soon was lost in the moment.
As he dragged his lips over my skin, I thought about all the times he wasn’t just a lover but a husband as well. Talking to all my professors the weeks I was sick so I could see copies of the lectures. Bringing me coffee in the middle of the night while I was trying to study. Attempting to manage my hair when I’d accidentally jammed my finger in the door. Bringing me flowers because he said they matched that one dress he liked so much.
It was everything that I was trying to avoid when entering this devil of a bargain with him, but that didn’t mean it never happened. Try as I might, I couldn’t just pick and choose the parts of my history to hold on to.
His kiss whispered down my calves as he pulled down my panties, and his fingers curved over the arch of my feet. I swayed unsteadily, and he caught me easily and backed me up until we were on the bed.
I was open and ready for him, but he was still fully dressed. How had that happened?
Through the haze of my desire, I reached for him and tugged the shirt over his head. With a sigh of pleasure, I tasted his skin. Salty from the sweat of work, smooth with the promise of pleasure. He was a work of art, and no matter how many times I saw him, I appreciated it.
“I want you to ride me.” His request sent a thrill down my spine. “I want to watch you loving me, Jillian.”
Yes. I wanted him to watch me. Reaching for the button of his jeans, I freed him. Forgoing the work of pulling his pants down, I stroked him instead. Hard and smooth. The perfect size for the perfect fit.
He groaned in my hands, thrusting a little, before he finished the job that I’d started. Finally naked, he joined me on the mattress, flipping me until I was astride him.
Poised over him, I studied him closely. His eyes were dark with lust, but his expression was open and patient. He would let me do whatever I wanted, take whatever I needed from him. Part of me still wanted hard and fast, to ride him until there was nothing but pleasure between us, but he had taken a step in the direction of our future.
I wanted to take that step with him.
Lowering myself inch by inch, I whimpered as he filled me. His hands dug into my sides, and I knew there’d be bruising, but he didn’t force the control away from me. My gaze never left his as I started to move.
Love. I loved this man with everything that I had. I’d told him, and now I wanted to show him. I wanted him to know that even if I couldn’t give him what he wanted tomorrow, I’d give him what he wanted today.
Leaning over him, I increased the depth, moaning as the sweet tension mounted inside of me. Brendan took my hands, intertwined our fingers, and forced me down for a kiss. Our sounds of pleasure mingled in our mouths, and I didn’t ever want it to end.
Minutes passed. Maybe hours. I didn’t even care. I kept my pace nice and slow until my whole body started to tremble. “Brendan,” I whispered. Fear spiked inside me. I wasn’t sure that I’d be able to finish.
“I’ve got you, baby,” he whispered as he grabbed my hips and guided me. “Stay with me. Stay with me, Jillian.”
The orgasm started small, blossoming inside me until it took over my whole body. It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced before. Mind-numbing pleasure that lasted and lasted.
Dimly, I heard him call my name as he arched in me, flooding me. When I fell across his chest and closed my eyes, he held me until the tide went out. He was the only thing that kept me from going out with it.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Jillian
The days passed, and my heart felt light. Things were falling into place. My advisor finally approved my dissertation. I just needed to work on my oral defense, scheduled for the following month, and I would be good to go as I started my final year of the full-time doctoral internship.
I accepted the interview with Joyce Reid. Butterflies bloomed in my stomach when I thought about it, but I was excited. Cindy was right. Attention like this didn’t come along every day, and it was a huge step for my career. Even Brendan was on board with it once he realized that it didn’t mean I was leaving him.
I couldn’t think about the future with him. I was enjoying the present too much. We still had the rest of the summer left in my original agreement with him, and I wanted to see how things turned out. Now that my miscarriage wasn’t hanging around my neck, I felt more comfortable exploring our relationship.
I felt more comfortable just being with him and not feeling the burden of our mistakes.
“You sound happy,” Danielle said suspiciously over the phone. “Does that mean you murdered your husband? Are you calling for help to bury the body?”
Leaning against the wall of his bedroom, I watched Brendan work from the window. It was almost time for dinner, and it was Kim’s turn to cook. I could hear her banging around in the kitchen and cursing loudly. Cooking wasn’t really Kim’s thing.
I’d spent most of the day cleaning and straightening up the house, but now I was content just to watch Brendan. When he lifted the hem of his shirt to wipe the sweat from his forehead, I slowly blew out my breath. I’d memorized every single line of his body, traced my fingers over those muscles and even scraped my nails down them, but the sight of him still unraveled me.
“I am happy, and I haven’t murdered him. Things are… good,” I said hesitantly. “Things are really good.”
There was a beat of silence before Danielle let out a loud whoop of excitement. “It’s about time. I knew the two of you weren’t done. I mean, I was all ready to help you bash him over the head, but I was secretly hoping that you two would work things out. Now, by good, do you mean that you two are still bickering but burning up the bed or have you two talked about the things that you two needed to talk about?”
“We’ve talked. Not in-depth, but we were both working under some misconceptions. We’ve started clearing the air.”
“Does that mean I can rent out your room?”
I laughed. “No, we’re not there yet. But maybe soon. I’ll actually be back in the city next week for a taping with Joyce Reid about my work wit
h Cindy.” Restless, I moved away from the window and stretched out on my back. Staring at the ceiling, I tried to remember the last time I was this content.
“I’d heard a rumor about that. You’re going to be all rich and famous and forget all about me. I’m already green with envy and bordering on hatred.”
I smiled into the phone. “Am I forgiven if I buy you a house?”
“You’re forgiven when you hook me up with someone gorgeous as sin and rich as hell.” Something fell to the floor, and she grumbled under her breath.
“What are you doing?”
“I got this new thigh workout thing, but I can’t figure out how to get it to work.”
“Ah, well, I’ll let you go work out your thighs.” I laughed. “I’ll talk to you later.”
“Don’t patronize me. Some of us aren’t getting sexy workouts,” she shot back. I was about to ask what happened to the coworker she was dating, but she hung up on me before I had a chance. I’d grill her next time.
I decided to sneak one last glance out the window before heading downstairs to make sure Kim didn’t burn dinner. I was mildly disappointed when he was nowhere to be found.
“Looking for me?” he asked from behind.
Smiling like an idiot, I whirled around and ran to him. As I jumped, he caught me easily, and I wrapped my legs around his waist and kissed him. I was demanding, and he was more than forthcoming. When we broke apart, we were both gasping for breath.
“Keep that up, and I’ll just have you for dinner,” he threatened as he turned and pushed me up against the wall.
“That was just the appetizer. You’ll have to wait for dessert,” I admonished him as I pushed back. He refused to let me go and used one hand to start unbuttoning my shirt. “Brendan!” I laughed as he started trailing kisses down my neck.
“I need a shower. Join me,” he demanded.
Didn’t that sound nice? “I’d love to, but we know damn well that once we get started, we’ll be there for hours.”
He groaned as he pushed my bra down and ran a thumb over my nipple. “Are you trying to talk me out of it? If so, you’re doing a poor job of it.”
Reclaiming My Wife Page 20