This wasn’t a conversation to have with other people around. I turned to go when I heard his and Gordon’s laughter.
Not Ben.
“When I suggested that we celebrate, I meant that we should go out. I’d even be down to go to Murphy’s and put my elbows up on one of them beer-stained counters. Drinks in your office wasn’t exactly on my mind,” Gordon grumbled.
“No time to hit up a bar. At least not tonight. Getting Harry to sign was just step one. Now I’ve got to actually make a plan for that land so it doesn’t suck all the money out of me.”
Harry signed the papers? Brendan now owned the other ranch?
Happy for him, I turned the corner and knocked on the door. “Hi, Gordon,” I said warmly. “I didn’t know you were here.”
“Hey, Jillian. Yeah, I was just—”
“Giving me an update on the investigation into Dennis,” Brendan interrupted and gave his lawyer a pointed look. “Guy’s got his hands in some dirty pies.”
My blood ran cold, and I chose my next words carefully. “You’re cracking open a beer before you finish with work? That’s not like you.”
“Just relaxing with a friend,” Brendan laughed. “It’s nothing super official.”
“Funny,” I said, keeping my voice carefully bland. “Because it sounded to me like you two were celebrating the sale of Harry Blackwell’s land.”
Gordon’s eyes widened, giving me the confirmation I needed. Brendan had just outright lied to me. “I guess I’ll just leave you two to your… relaxing.”
Anger boiled inside me as I spun on my heel and stalked away. Brendan raced after me. “Jillian, wait. Jillian. Dammit!”
Grabbing my arm, he spun me around, and I tried not to cry as I stared at him. “You just flat-out lied to me, Brendan. You bought Harry’s land. You got what you wanted from me, and then you lied to me about it!”
“Yes, I lied to you, but I have a good reason.”
I pulled out of his grasp. It hurt too much to have him touch me right then. Not after I was on the verge of imagining us together. Forever. “I don’t think I really care about the reason, Brendan. Being with you, trusting you, is giving me whiplash. One minute you want us to give things a second shot, and then the next minute you’re lying to me about something big.”
“I thought that you would leave if you knew,” he hissed through his teeth. “Damn it, Jillian, I talk and talk and try to convince you about us, but you don’t say anything back. I have no idea what’s going on in that head of yours. I thought that when I told you our deal was done, that you would bolt.”
“What am I supposed to do with that? The distrust is hard enough to swallow, but to sit here and listen to you admit that you’d rather me not make my own decisions—”
“That is not what I said,” he interrupted.
“You can beat around the bush all you want, Brendan, but no matter how much you sweeten the words, that’s exactly what you mean.” Silence fell between us, and I ached. I ached for what we’d lost and what we would never gain. “I think maybe it’s time that I go back home, Brendan.”
Inside, I was screaming. One nudge from him, and I would have stayed. All he had to do was kiss me, apologize, and tell me that he trusted me, and I’d be in his arms. I’d be willing to give him everything.
But he didn’t do any of that. He just regarded me with a cold gaze and nodded his head. As he turned and walked back to the barn, my heart shattered.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Brendan
“If you ask me, I—”
“No one is asking you,” I interrupted Gordon sourly as I tipped up the bottle of the beer and finished it. That cold numbness that I knew so well was spreading throughout my body.
“You’re being an idiot,” he continued as though I hadn’t said anything. “She has a point about you lying to her, and now you’re just going to let her walk away?”
“I was deluding myself into thinking that this could work.” Shuffling the papers I’d just signed, I straightened them and handed them back to Gordon. “Have you set up the appointment with Harry’s lawyers?”
“You can’t keep ignoring the situation,” he said quietly. “You can’t just bury it under work. It’s already eating at you, Brendan.”
“I’m not going to fall apart like last time.” God knows that I wanted to. I wanted to rage and howl and destroy everything in my sight, but I was older and wiser. I could hold my temper. I wouldn’t let her affect me again. “Besides, this is probably for the best. Jillian has her whole career in front of her, and we probably wouldn’t have made it work.”
“But how do you know if you don’t try?”
“Because in the course of trying, she’ll just grow to resent me. The man who held her back.”
“That’s a lame excuse.” Gordon sighed as he slipped the paperwork in his briefcase. “If I were you, I’d crawl on my hands and knees to get her back.”
“Wouldn’t do a bit of good,” I said as I clenched my fists. “When Jillian’s mind is made up, there’s no changing it. Groveling would just fall on deaf ears and embarrass us both. She made her choice, and I’m going to accept it. Hell, I probably never stood a chance anyway. Just because I wanted it enough for the both of us didn’t mean it was going to be enough.”
“Want me to start drawing up the divorce papers?”
Pain bled through the numbness. I hadn’t even thought about that. “No. Not yet. Let’s just give it some time to settle.”
“Give her time to cool off, Brendan. Once she gets back to the city, she might change her mind. Don’t give up just yet.”
He walked away, and I blew out my breath. Was it even possible for me to give up hope? Jillian was the only woman I’d ever loved, and I just couldn’t get it right, but that didn’t mean that I wouldn’t one day.
The tension in my body eased. I’d let her head back to the city, and maybe she’d forgive me.
First, I’d have to ask her for it.
I worked through dinner. I needed something to keep my mind off the fact that she was probably packing, plus, I could see a summer storm brewing in the skies. I wanted to make sure the horses were settled. Storms had a way of making them skittish.
Her aroma still lingered in my room, but her bags were gone. From the closed door to the guest room, I could only surmise that she was planning on spending the night there. As I ate the leftovers that had been left out for me, I considered knocking on her door and demanding that she hear me out, but demands had never worked for Jillian. If she wouldn’t listen to me, then I wasn’t going to talk to her.
I crawled into bed just as the first flash of lightning struck. Thunder rumbled only seconds behind, and I looked out the window. I had a feeling it was going to be a quick storm. One that raged angrily for an hour and then dissipated.
I didn’t mind. Tonight I needed the wrath of the weather since I couldn’t rage on my own.
A few minutes into the storm, and the door to my bedroom creaked open. Even before the flash of lightening illuminated her face, I knew that it was her. I could feel her. The anger. The hurt. It rolled off her in waves. The ice princess couldn’t control her emotions, and now she was here to make sure that I felt her pain.
Her gorgeous blonde hair tumbled down her shoulders. She was dressed in a simple white tank top and matching cotton panties. She was hardly dressed for seduction, but I was hard as a rock before she’d made it five steps in the room.
“Brendan.” Her desire shimmered in her voice. I didn’t know if the storm had heated up her passion or if it was the realization that it was her last night here, but she was here for me, and I wasn’t about to turn her away.
“Come here,” I demanded hoarsely. I slept naked, so the only thing that stood in the way of me sliding inside her were the sheets and those panties.
As she crawled into bed, the neckline of her shirt hanging low to give me a full show of her cleavage, I pushed the sheet aside. We were both well past the point of stopping by the time she
put her hand on my chest, and I let my control snap.
Sitting up, I roughly pulled her on top of me. She straddled me and rubbed herself, soaking wet panties and all, along my hardness. Pulling down the neck of her tank top, I put so much stress on the seams that the strap snapped and her breast swung free. She moaned my name as I took her whole nipple in my mouth. Rolling it around on my tongue, scraping it with my teeth, I held nothing back as my fingers dug into her back.
I felt like a man possessed. Never in my life had I taken her in anger. We’d had our fights, and I’d been annoyed, but this was a different beast entirely. The storm that whipped up into a frenzy outside couldn’t hold a candle to the mess brewing between us.
If this was my last chance to have her, she would remember me. She would remember that I was the only man who could melt that ice, who could drive her to the brink of insanity with pleasure, who could give her the orgasms that shattered her over and over.
Jillian fought me for control. She reached between us, circled me with her hands, and squeezed until I was moaning under her, but I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of giving in. I ripped the other strap and licked her sensitive nipples until she released me and begged me for more.
I had won. She came to my bed. She was begging me, and now I would take my prize.
The thunder vibrated the whole house as I dragged the crotch of her panties aside and pushed up inside her. As she rode me, her cries threatened to drown out the storm, and I muffled her with a kiss. A hot and desperate kiss that was designed to force her submission, but somewhere along the way, I let my control slip. I got lost in that kiss, in the warm heat that welcomed me, and I stumbled.
She stopped moving, pulled away, and stared down at me. Desperate to free themselves, the words were on the tip of my tongue.
I love you. I’m sorry. Please stay.
Three sentences. That was all that needed to come out, but I could see the pain so clearly in her eyes. Even in the pleasure that I was giving her, she was hurting.
I had done that to her. If she stuck around, how else would I hurt her trying to prove that I loved her? When would the happiness in her eyes die out, just like it did before? When would she curl up inside herself and hide from me?
Disgust ripped through me, and I slammed her down again. She was slick with sweat and crying out in ecstasy as my hands roamed her body. Lightning cut through the sky, and I could see the beauty of her face as she splintered around me. The trembles had nothing to do with the storm, and they were my undoing. With a hoarse moan, I plunged inside her one last time and found my release.
The storm outside died down as suddenly as it began, and she fell limp across me. Our harsh breathing filled the void in the darkness, but neither of us said anything.
Slowly, she slid off me and climbed from the bed. I forced myself to close my eyes so I didn’t see her walking out.
So I didn’t have to see her leaving me.
The papers were signed. Just like that. A few strokes of the pen and the love of my life was no longer my wife. I felt completely dead inside as I looked across the table at her. Her eyes were blank as she stared back.
“So, that’s it then,” I said dully. “I guess it’s over.”
“I guess so.”
Her hands trembled, and after a second, she stood, turned, and walked out.
Inside, I screamed for her to come back, but what did it matter?
It was done. Just like that.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Jillian
The sounds of the city that used to comfort me so much were now keeping me awake. Leaning against the window with a warm cup of tea in my hands, I stared out through the glass. The lights from below threw a haze over the night sky, and I could no longer stare at the stars. The never-ending sound of cars from the highway drowned out any hope of listening to nature.
And my bed was empty.
It was my second night back home. I’d tossed and turned so much during that first night that I ended up sleeping on the couch, but tonight I was determined to crawl into my bed no matter what. I’d learned a long time ago to live without Brendan. I could do it again.
I’ll be here when you change your mind.
It really could be that easy. I could just pick up the phone, tell him to come get me, and he’d probably break the speed limit to get here. That was the kind of man Brendan was. We could be together, and my child could have a father.
But the pain that I’d felt knowing that he’d so easily lied to me still clung to me, and it was just a taste of what I’d felt before.
I didn’t know that I could go through that again.
“Are you going to tell him?” Danielle leaned against the doorway and studied me. The first thing that I’d told her when I got home was that I was pregnant. I needed someone to lean on, and I knew that she wouldn’t let me down.
“When I know that it’s going to be healthy.” Forcing a smile, I sipped from my mug. “I might just lose it. Last time, the doctor said that future pregnancies might not be easy for me, so there’s no need to say anything until I know for sure.”
“And then?”
“Lots of people have kids and don’t get back together,” I said loftily as I shrugged. “I’m sure he’ll want to be a part of the child’s life, and I want him to be. We’ll figure out a schedule.”
“So neat and orderly. Just like that.” Danielle sighed and walked in so that she could climb in the bed. “Jillian, you’re hurting. Everyone within a mile of you can feel it. I know Brendan lied to you, and in any other circumstance, I’d happily call him a jackass, but he was just trying to buy you guys a little bit more time.”
“I would have given it to him if he’d told me the truth.”
“Would you, though? Because the last time we talked, you told me that you were afraid you were living in a fantasy world. When that deal went through and reality hit you, were you really going to stay? Or were you going to come back here anyway and blame it on something that was easy for you to handle. Like your career.”
“Excuse me?” I narrowed my eyes and glared at her. “I don’t use my career as an excuse.”
She didn’t back down. “It was the only reason you could see that you and Brendan couldn’t work, and I have no doubt that you would cling to it if it meant it would keep you safe. Jillian, you’ve been afraid to open up for so long that you don’t even see it, do you?”
“I don’t like where this is going,” I said unhappily. “I thought that you would support me.”
“I’m here for you, Jillian.” Her eyes softened. “No matter what decision you make. You know that, but it doesn’t mean that I’m not going to give it to you straight. You love that man, and if you let him slip through your fingers, you’ll only have yourself to blame.”
I waited for the anger to surge through me. I struggled to find the words to hurl at her, but I came up empty because I knew she was probably right. Once Brendan had given me a way out, I would have taken it.
I used to fight tooth and nail for what I wanted, and now I couldn’t even put up a little struggle.
Slowly putting the tea down, I sank into the mattress. “I’m tired. I think I’m going to go to bed.”
Leaning over, she kissed me on the forehead. “You have a big day tomorrow, and you’re going to need your beauty sleep if you’re going to look good on television.”
Chuckling, I leaned against her. “Will you stay with me tonight?”
“Yes, but if you try and cop a feel, I’m outta here,” she teased as she slipped under the covers. I joined her and closed my eyes.
“Do you think we can possibly make it work?” I asked softly as she leaned over and turned out the lamp. The darkness settled around us, and I tried to relax.
“I think that if you want something bad enough, you can make it work. And you should want that happily ever after because you deserve it.”
Happily ever after.
It was a phrase I hadn’t thought of in a
long time. I’d spent so much time trying to focus on surviving that I’d completely forgotten to focus on my happiness.
Maybe now it was time.
***
“You are just perfect for television!” Cindy sighed as she watched the hair and makeup artist do me over. She’d just finished a few minutes ago, but the backstage manager was still trying to prep me. I think she and everyone else was nervous since I had no experience in front of the camera.
“After Joyce goes through how you and Cindy met, she’s going to question you on how you specifically help Cindy.”
“But that goes against our confidentiality agreement,” I argued. “I might not have a specific contract with Cindy, but I’m not about to go on television and spill all of her secrets.”
“We’re not looking for any salacious details. It’s not that kind of show, but if you can provide some vague answers, enough to keep the audience enticed, that’s what we’re looking for.” The woman shuffled through her notecards. Her dark hair was cropped close to her head and frizzed considerably, but she was the most well-put-together woman that I had ever met. In the span of the conversation that she was having with me, she’d handled two other crisis situations flawlessly and without breaking a sweat.
Joyce Reid should have interviewed her.
“I kind of thought we were shining some light on the idea of therapy. Grief and stress and anxiety can hit anyone, no matter what their job is or how much money they have. Successful stars are not immune.”
The manager nodded vigorously. “Yes, that’s exactly it. You just hold on to that thought.” Suddenly, she held up a finger and pressed a hand to her headset. “Crap. I’ve got to go. You two are going to be great. Just great. Georgina… where is Georgina? There she is. Georgina will give you a ten-second heads-up before your cue, and then you just walk out to your seats. Remember that Cindy gets the chair in between. When you’re done, Georgina will call you off during break. Got it? Good.”
Actually, I felt like I was in a dream world. I had no idea what was going on around me. People rushed by me, barking orders and using short-term slang that I didn’t even begin to understand.
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