‘No, thanks.’ Ben grimaced because he’d hate Claire to think that Holly was drunk. ‘She’s had a bit of a shock, I’m afraid. She just needs to sit quietly for a few minutes.’
‘Oh, I see. In that case, I’ll leave you two alone.’
Claire hurriedly retreated, closing the door behind her as she went. Ben sat Holly down on the sofa then pulled over a footstool and sat down in front of her. Taking hold of her cold hands, he gently chafed them. ‘I am so sorry, sweetheart. I should never have sprung it on you like that.’
‘How did you intend to tell me, then? Over a glass of wine at the pub? Or maybe in between seeing patients? You could have slipped it in while we were out on a call, couldn’t you? Oh, by the way, Holly, I forgot to tell you that I had cancer and could die but let’s not worry about it while we’re busy.’
She laughed harshly and Ben winced because it was a little too near to the truth. ‘I’m sorry. And, yes, you’re right because if I had got round to telling you then I’d probably have chosen a time like that.’
‘If? Obviously, you hadn’t made up your mind about it. Is that why you’ve been so evasive of late? Because you weren’t sure if I deserved to know the truth at last?’
‘It wasn’t a question of you deserving to know. I was trying to…well, weigh up the damage it might cause.’
‘Damage to whom?’ she snapped with a pedantry which put him instantly on his guard.
‘To you, of course. The whole reason I didn’t tell you in the first place was because I wanted to spare you any distress.’ He let go of her hands because he couldn’t continue to touch her and think rationally. ‘It didn’t seem right to wreck your life as well as mine.’
‘And who appointed you as my guardian angel?’
‘I’m sorry…?’
‘It’s quite simple, Ben. I really don’t know why you have a problem understanding an easy question like that, but let me phrase it in a different way. Who put you in charge of my life? Who said that you could make my decisions? I certainly don’t remember giving you that kind of authority.’
‘It wasn’t like that!’
He got up and strode to the window then came all the way back, his footsteps thumping on the wooden floor. ‘I suddenly found out that I had cancer of the colon and that I needed treatment. Oh, the consultant tried to put a positive spin on the prognosis but you know as well as I do that there are no guarantees. It knocked me for six and all I could think about was how wrong it would be if you suffered because I was ill.’
‘So you told me that you’d met someone else and no longer loved me? Nice, Ben, very nice. It must have taken a lot of imagination to come up with a story like that.’
‘I just didn’t want you thinking that you had to stay with me! You had your career to think about, all the plans you’d made for the future…’
‘Don’t you mean all the plans we’d made?’ She laughed and he winced when he heard the pain in her voice. ‘My life was so tied up with yours that they were our dreams, our hopes and our ambitions. Or that’s what I naïvely believed. I thought we could conquer the world together but when it came down to it, you made your decision and didn’t consult me.’
‘I did it because I loved you! Because I cared and wanted what was best for you!’ He stood in front of her, willing her to believe him because this was worse than he’d ever imagined it would be. ‘There were so many things to take in—not just if the treatment would work and how long I might live, but the fact that I could be sterile afterwards.’
‘And are you?’ she asked with a catch in her voice.
‘I don’t know.’
He sat down abruptly on the stool and took hold of her hands again because suddenly he needed something to cling to. ‘I’ve never had the inclination to find out. It just didn’t seem to matter if I could father a child after we split up because I only ever wanted you to have my children, Holly. Nobody else.’
Suddenly he was crying and he bowed his head in shame at his own weakness. He needed to be strong for Holly’s sake but he’d spent two long years living with his broken dreams and he had no reserves left. Holly murmured something and then her arms were around him, holding him while he sobbed, sobbing with him so that her tears fell into his hair. It seemed an age before he found the strength to raise his head but it might have been only minutes for all he knew. The length of time didn’t matter, only that he’d finally told her the truth. Now he had to be very careful what he did in case he ruined things again. He’d wanted to protect Holly two years ago and even though he might have been wrong to go about it the way he had, the desire was just as strong now as it had ever been. He would lay down his life without another thought if it would keep her safe.
‘I’m sorry, Holly. Can you forgive me?’
‘I suppose I’ll have to because we certainly can’t stay in here crying our eyes out much longer.’
‘Mmm, you’re right.’ He smiled at her, loving her all the more for trying to make him feel better. ‘Sean and Claire could get a little miffed if we take over their sitting-room permanently.’
He brushed the tears off her cheeks then kissed her gently on the mouth, just a single kiss because it was all he could allow himself even though he wanted dozens more. Holly had been deeply moved by his story but he didn’t want her making any hasty decisions out of pity.
His stomach churned because the thought of becoming an object of pity in her eyes was more than he could bear. He simply wouldn’t risk it! Couldn’t and wouldn’t accept the crumbs of her love when he’d once had the whole. Their love had been as bright as the sun, as deep as the ocean and as vast as the heavens, and he would never, ever settle for anything less.
‘So, now that we’ve finally sorted everything out, what are we going to do, Ben?’
He stood up, picking up the footstool and putting it carefully back in its rightful place. ‘There isn’t much we can do. I’m sorry for the lies I told you, Holly. Really, really sorry.’
‘I know that,’ she said quickly and with a touch of impatience that made his nerves knot. ‘I’m not talking about what happened two years ago but about what’s going to happen from here on. What you just told me changes everything—’
‘No, it doesn’t.’ He turned to face her and smiled, even though his heart felt as though it was caving in on itself. ‘It doesn’t change a thing, Holly. It can’t do because I won’t let it.’
‘Meaning that you don’t want us to try again?’
‘It wouldn’t be right.’
He tried to blot out the shock in her voice because he couldn’t let himself dwell on it. If he gave himself any leeway he would simply agree with whatever she suggested and it wouldn’t be right for them to live that way—her loving him out of pity, him hating himself for not being the man she deserved.
‘Fifty per cent of people who are treated for bowel cancer live for five years or more. Those are the statistics but they aren’t a guarantee. I’ve had two of those five years and I have no idea if I’ll have the other three or not. The cancer could come back this year, next year—’
‘Or ten, even twenty years from now. And it might never come back at all!’ she countered fiercely. ‘Don’t quote statistics at me, Ben, because I’ll quote them right back at you! If there is no guarantee that you are going to live then, equally, there’s no guarantee that you are going to die either!’
‘I know that, darling.’ He grimaced as the endearment slipped out because it would be wrong to let her think he was softening. ‘We could stand here until the moon turns blue and argue the point but the truth is it makes no difference. I won’t change my mind because there are too many factors stacked up in the minus column that sum up my future. You deserve more than I can give you, Holly, and that’s it.’
‘And it’s not open to negotiation? You’ve made all the decisions again just like you did before?’
‘Yes. Call me a dyed-in-the-wool chauvinist but I won’t ruin your life just because my own is in doubt.’ He t
ook a deep breath but the words had to be said because he owed her the truth. Every bit of it.
‘I love you, Holly. I love you too much to let you waste yourself on me.’
CHAPTER ELEVEN
I LOVE you, Holly. I love you too much to let you waste yourself on me.
The words haunted Holly in the following weeks. She knew that Ben had wanted to be completely honest with her but several times she found herself wishing that he hadn’t told her how he really felt. She loved him too, and had told him so, but words simply weren’t enough. They couldn’t erase the horror of his illness or the fear of it returning. They couldn’t prove or disprove that he was right to take this stance. They couldn’t convince him that she was prepared to face any hardship if it meant they could be together. Words couldn’t make him see that she loved him despite of his illness and loved him because of it, and she didn’t know what to do or where to turn.
In an effort to stave off the misery of knowing how little chance she had of making Ben see sense, Holly threw herself into her work, arriving early and staying long after she was due to go home. A few people commented on her dedication but nobody questioned her, not even Nicky, thankfully. Nicky had been seeing rather a lot of Gabriel since the night of the barbecue so Holly spent many evenings on her own in the flat. It was time she came to dread because she spent it thinking about Ben and his illness and what it might mean. It was as though her head was filled with him and she couldn’t shut him out even if she wanted to, which she didn’t. She wanted to love him and care for him in sickness and in health—please, God, it would be the latter and not the former—but he was too stubborn to accept that. It was no wonder that she was glad when it was time to go to work because it meant she had to think about something else.
Three weeks after the barbecue and Ben’s bombshell the rapid response team found themselves facing their biggest challenge. Sean looked grim as he called everyone into the office and explained that there’d been an explosion at a laboratory in the new business park. The number of casualties was as yet unknown but there had been two hundred staff working there when it had happened and only a fraction of them had been accounted for so far. It was a major incident so they would be deploying all their resources—helicopter, four-wheel-drive, motorbike and ambulances. Off-duty staff had been recalled and even before Sean finished speaking the first of them began arriving. Ben was amongst them and Holly tried to curb the lurch her heart gave when Sean told them they would be working as part of the helicopter team.
Ben held the door for her as they left the office. The whole department was buzzing and Holly could feel the tension in the air as she ran to the storeroom and wriggled into a flight-suit. Helmet, boots, Thomas pack, torch—she mentally ticked off the list because at least it meant she didn’t have to think about Ben, who was also getting ready. It would be the first time they’d worked together since the barbecue because they’d been on opposite shifts since then, but she mustn’t let it affect her performance.
‘Ready?’
Ben’s tone was clipped and her heart jerked like a puppet on a string because she could tell he was equally nervous. ‘Yes,’ she replied just as shortly and no more sweetly as she hurried out of the room.
The helicopter was on the pad with its engine running so she ducked low to avoid the downdraught from the rotors and scrambled on board. Ben swung himself inside then gave the mechanic the thumbs up to tell him to close the doors while Holly strapped herself in and picked up the headset which would allow her to communicate with the pilot. It was all so familiar now that she was able to go through the routine without a hitch and her confidence came flooding back. She wasn’t going to fluff her lines because of Ben.
It took them just five minutes to reach the business park, which was clearly distinguishable by the pall of black smoke hanging over the area. Holly heard the pilot mutter something uncomplimentary as he struggled to find a suitable landing site because of the poor visibility. Touchdown was a little jerky but she didn’t complain. She was just glad they’d landed in one piece.
Ben had the door unlocked before she’d even undone her safety harness and he jumped out and headed straight for the officer in charge without waiting for her. Holly followed as fast as she could although the bulky Thomas pack slowed her down somewhat. There were police and firemen all around and she could hear sirens wailing in the distance as more of the emergency services responded. She and Ben were the first medics on scene and she felt butterflies fluttering wildly in her stomach at the thought of what they might have to deal with.
‘They’ve got just over a hundred people out so far, which means there’s another hundred still inside the building.’ Ben looked grim as he came back to update her. ‘The main lab is the worst area, apparently. That’s where the explosion occurred.’
‘Was it chemicals?’ Holly asked, because if it was then they might need protective suits. They were stored in the hold of the helicopter so at least they were to hand.
‘A bomb. Apparently, there was a phone call to the local newspaper and that’s why the police and fire brigade got here so quickly. They were on their way when the bomb went off.’
‘A bomb!’ Holly exclaimed in horror.
‘Yep. Some guy with a grudge against the company. An ex-employee, apparently. The police have him in custody so at least we won’t have to contend with some lunatic, running around inside the building. They’re trying to find someone who can tell us what was being used in the lab. Looks like this might be him now.’
Holly turned as a police officer came hurrying over, accompanied by a tall man with greying hair who introduced himself as Simon Humphreys, the head of research.
‘Can you tell us what you were working on?’ Ben demanded.
‘A new form of CS gas.’ Simon Humphreys pushed a wispy strand of hair out of his eyes with a trembling hand. ‘We’ve been perfecting a formula that causes less side-effects.’
‘So does that mean there’s none of the usual problems you’d expect from coming into contact with CS gas,’ Holly queried hopefully. ‘No stinging eyes, breathlessness or similar problems?’
‘Yes and no. The effects are similar but not as intense so there’s less of a risk to anyone breathing it in. However, today we were doing a controlled experiment to compare the CS gas used by the police with our new product.’
‘So what you’re saying is that both gases were in the lab when the explosion occurred?’ Ben exclaimed in dismay.
‘Yes. Obviously, the experiment was taking place in a sealed chamber but the problem is that I’ve no idea if it has been damaged.’ Simon shook his head worriedly. ‘I also can’t say how the two gases might react with each other. That was one of our main concerns, in fact, and what we were going to establish next.’
‘Then surely there’s a serious risk to the public?’ Holly stated, glancing pointedly at the cloud of smoke hanging over the whole area.
‘Most of the gas will have dispersed before it can do any harm,’ Simon assured her. ‘However, the police are contacting the local schools and advising them to keep the children indoors, and the public is being told to keep their doors and windows shut. The real danger will be to anyone inside the lab. The concentration of gas will be much higher in there, plus there’s a chance that the gas might revert to a powder form. That would cause severe skin irritation for anyone coming into contact with it.’
‘Right, so we’ll need to use the suits,’ Ben said, turning to her. ‘Can you get them while I let Control know what’s happening? Anyone attending the incident will need protective clothing and we’ll also need to set up a decontamination centre on site.’
‘Sure.’
Holly ran back to the helicopter and with the pilot’s help unpacked their equipment. She started to get ready, putting on an oxygen tank first then sliding the insulated, all-in-one garment over the top of her other clothing. The suit had a hood with a clear Perspex panel in the front to see through plus gloves and bootees to protect her ha
nds and feet. She pulled the hood over her head and turned on the oxygen, checking the tank was functioning properly.
Ben started getting ready as well so within minutes they were on their way, the protective clothing feeling incredibly bulky and awkward as she walked. One of the fire crew, who was similarly attired, met them outside the building and explained that he would lead the way and that they were to follow his instructions and leave immediately if he decided they were in danger, so it was all very scary. Holly glanced at Ben and felt her heart lift when he winked at her. Maybe he was still determined to go it alone but she felt so much better knowing that he was with her.
The foyer of the building was relatively unscathed apart from all the shattered windows. The fire had been contained to the actual lab area and the closer they got, the hotter it became. It became increasingly difficult to see and Holly didn’t hesitate when Ben offered her his hand. Even through the double thickness of their gloves she could feel his fingers gripping hers and it was a huge comfort. They reached the lab where the fireman quickly conferred in gestures with his colleagues who were dealing with the fire. He was obviously given the all-clear because a few seconds later he led them inside.
The first casualty was lying by the door and she was obviously dead. Holly quickly averted her eyes from the shattered body because it wasn’t a pleasant sight. Two more people were lying under a workbench and they too were dead. Holly was just beginning to wonder if they would find anyone alive when Ben suddenly veered off to the side. She quickly turned and spotted a young man crouched beneath one of the huge industrial-sized sinks.
She hurriedly followed Ben, cursing the bulky clothing as she knelt down. The man was obviously in shock and didn’t respond when Ben spoke to him. Holly could see that his left hand had been partly severed by flying glass and that he was having problems breathing, but he was alive and that was something.
She quickly fitted him with an oxygen mask while Ben attended to his hand. Once the bleeding was under control, they managed to rig up a sling out of some dressings. They got him to his feet and led him to the door, where the fire crew took over, then went back into the lab and found a young woman next with multiple injuries—stoved-in chest, broken arm, both legs, the list seemed endless. She was too badly injured to move without a stretcher so the fireman relayed their request and they made her comfortable with painkillers while they waited for it to arrive. Josh and Gabriel brought it in, suited up in protective clothing like theirs.
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