I noticed the puzzled look on Maxine’s face. “Hot date already?” She winked.
“Nothing quite so scandalous.” I laughed lightly. “He’s just wanting to know if I’ll make it to rehearsal tonight.”
“And you’re going to tell him yes, I assume?” said Zara.
“With everything that’s happened, I really haven’t thought about the band all that much.”
I saw a look pass between Zara and Maxine. “What?”
“Maybe it’s exactly what you need right now, Nicole,” said Zara, and Maxine was nodding her head in agreement.
“Well, I don’t want to string Kaz along. With the band, I mean.”
“It doesn’t seem like he’s pressuring you for a commitment or anything. You’ve only gone once and you loved it,” said Zara.
I nodded my head, thinking that going to rehearsal tonight probably would help to get my mind off things. “You’re right. I’ll go tonight. There’s no reason not to, and it was fun.”
Zara reached over to touch my arm under the table. “Maybe all this stuff happening with Joe is for the best. I mean, I’m sorry that he hurt you and I hate the way that all of this has happened, but I think it’s time to focus on you—that it has been your time for a while now.”
Zara smiled at me and I knew deep down that she was right. I just had to get my head and my heart to agree with the logic of her words. I texted Kaz back with my response and let myself feel the anticipation of singing with the group again. If I had to guess, I was sure that it would be just what I needed.
Chapter 17
I made it through the whole day without answering Joe’s calls or listening to any of his messages. I needed to create some distance so that I could focus on thoughts that had to do with myself and what was good for me—things in my life that did not revolve around Joe.
I’d gone to the gym, had some great meditation time, and cooked some healthy meals in preparation for the rest of the week. I didn’t miss being at work during the day, and a part of me wondered how it would feel to be in charge of my own schedule again.
The life of a musician could be busy, but at least I’d be spending my time doing what I loved. But, who knew how much money I’d make? I remembered the challenges when it came to finances—I remembered those struggling days well. Most likely I’d need a second job anyway, so I’d be wise not to quit my job at the shop too soon.
I settled back into the sofa with my glass of wine, smiling as I thought about how well the evening had gone. I’d loved every minute of singing with the band, and Kaz and I had even been able to have a nice chat during a break. I didn’t share everything that was going on with me but I did tell him a little bit about how I’d been questioning things lately—just with my job and what my next moves might be careerwise. He’d laughed and told me that officially he wanted me to join their band, but he also understood that I might not want to rush into anything.
I really liked Kaz’s energy. He seemed truly supportive and I felt lucky for having met him, regardless of how things might turn out with me and the band. Zara liked to say that we attract a certain kind of people to us, depending on our energy and how we feel about ourselves. I was starting to believe that there was a lot of truth to that statement.
Now, I was just calming my nerves a bit with a glass of wine as I waited for Joe to arrive at my place. After I’d listened to his messages earlier in the day, I’d finally called him. He’d basically been begging me for a chance to talk, to at least hear what he had to say. I was feeling strong by the time I’d gotten ready for rehearsal, so I decided that it was time to just get it over with. He could meet me after I was finished.
I was on my way back from the kitchen with a second glass of wine when the doorbell rang. The increase in my heart rate surprised me a little, and I had to take a deep breath before I opened the door. I did feel much stronger when it came to Joe and anything he could say to me. For the first time in a long time, I felt that I had the upper hand in our relationship. This was a bit unhealthy, I knew, but it seemed to be the truth of how our relationship could best be described. I was used to Joe’s having the say of how things went, and he was used to that too. Now, Joe had to worry about me and how I was feeling for once.
Seeing him standing there, looking ruggedly handsome with a huge bouquet of flowers in his hands, did melt my heart just the slightest bit, I’ll admit. But when he leaned in to kiss me, I stepped away, taking the flowers from him as he walked through the doorway. I was suddenly unsure of my resolve and it made me feel slightly unsettled.
“Hi, babe. Thanks for agreeing to see me.” He placed one hand on my shoulder and with the other he reached for the flowers I was holding. “Let me put those in water for you.”
He walked over to get one of my vases out of the kitchen cupboard and proceeded to organize the bouquet just the way that he knew I liked it. Joe had been lacking in the romance department lately, but when we’d first started dating, he used to bring me flowers all the time and he knew it was something that I really loved.
I leaned back against the doorframe of the kitchen, watching him, as I saw him eye the bottle of wine on the cupboard. “Help yourself, if you want a glass.” I walked back out to the living room and he followed me after pouring himself a glass of wine.
“Thanks for the flowers.”
He sat down next to me on the sofa and instinctively I moved away from him the tiniest bit. His presence was already disturbing the resolve I’d felt before he arrived and now I was second-guessing whether I was ready to see him face-to-face or not. I made myself remember the scene I’d come upon at the club last night, which put my guard up for the moment. But then he was reaching out toward me, taking the glass of wine from my hand and setting it on the table as he pulled me close to him.
The tears were instant and I seemed to not have control of my body as I let him squeeze me tight against his chest. I took in the scent of him and allowed myself to feel what I’d always felt in Joe’s arms.
“Nicole, I’m so sorry.” His voice was quiet near my ear as he stroked my hair and rubbed my back. “I love you so much, baby. I can’t stand the thought of losing you.”
We were both quiet for several seconds, and I couldn’t seem to get my thoughts together enough to speak. The only thing I knew was how it felt to be with him right now. I didn’t want to not have Joe in my life. I did love him, but could I forgive him? I pulled away a little bit so that I could see his face, and he took both of my hands in his.
“Please say that you can forgive me. I promise it will never happen again. I was just—I was just being an idiot last night.”
I wanted to believe him in the worst way, but I knew that it would be hard to rid my mind of the doubts I now had—to clear that picture from my mind of him kissing the woman. Yet here I was letting him hold me, and now he was kissing me with so much emotion—and it was what I wanted. Joe was what I’d always wanted.
Chapter 18
I wasn’t going to let Joe spend the night and I didn’t let him take me to my bedroom—it was too soon for that. But I did feel better as we lay cuddling on the couch together. It had been two hours since he’d arrived, and after our initial intense kissing session, Joe had let me grill him with all of the questions I had for him—about the woman and what I’d seen last night—about all the other nights that I’d not been at his gigs or the clubs with him and the guys.
He assured me that it had been the first time that anything had ever happened, and I wanted so desperately to believe him.
“Hmm?”
My eyes were closing, but I was fighting sleep, as I wanted to stay in Joe’s arms for a just a bit longer.
He laughed lightly in my ear. “You should either go to bed or let me spend the night.”
“Not tonight. But what were you saying?”
“I was just asking if you wanted to have dinner tomorrow night. I’d like to take you out on a proper date.”
I smiled as I kissed him on the che
ek. “That’s sweet. I can’t do dinner tomorrow, though. I’m gonna practice with the band.”
I felt his body tense immediately at my words.
That’s a red flag. Be happy for me, Joe. Why can’t you just be happy for me—especially now?
I wouldn’t back down on this. No way. Not after everything. I was going to keep my commitment to Kaz about showing up at their rehearsals for the rest of the week.
I sat up and Joe followed my lead, rising from the sofa, pulling me up next to him.
“But you can come over after practice if you want.”
I watched him intently, willing him to agree.
Don’t let me down. How badly do you want to make this work?
“Yeah, okay. I’m sure that could work. We’ll see how the night goes, okay?”
I nodded. I knew that he probably had a lot going on the rest of the week because of the tour coming up—something that we hadn’t even really had a chance to talk about lately. How could I trust him while they were on tour? It was as if the thought hadn’t even occurred to me until just this minute. It made me feel sick to my stomach.
“Babe?”
“Sorry, what were you saying?”
“I was just asking you about Saturday—about the kick-off show. You’re going to be there, right?”
I hadn’t even been thinking about it; but I knew I had the day off work, so there was no reason not to go—not after tonight. If we really were going to start fresh like we’d promised one another during our conversation earlier, we needed to be there for one another—just like I’d always been there for Joe. But would he be there for me? I couldn’t help having the thought.
I turned my attention back to Joe, who was looking slightly frustrated or maybe just tired. “Yeah, I’ll be there. Oh, I invited Zara and Braden too. Hope that’s okay. Actually she hasn’t told me yet if they’re able to come—well, after everything—” I didn’t miss the look on his face. Joe hated me telling my girlfriends about our personal business. “Anyway, I’ll find out from her about that.”
“Okay.” He leaned over to kiss me. “I’m just glad that we’re okay. The past twenty-four hours have been hell for me.”
Hell for you? Really?
I was either really tired now or getting really frustrated again. In any case, it was time to say goodnight and it was time for Joe to leave.
We kissed goodbye, and after he left I went to the kitchen to pour myself just the littlest bit of wine. I tried to brush away the thought that I was making a big mistake. What was it that Zara was always telling me about making decisions? That rarely was something set in stone—that I was allowed to change my mind.
I hoped that I wouldn’t feel it necessary to change my mind about my decisions when it came to Joe. I hoped that Joe wouldn’t be disappointing me again.
Chapter 19
The next day I tried really hard to stay focused on positive things. Work was uneventful, and Taylor seemed to be conscious of the quiet talks Annie and I had been having throughout the day. I appreciated the fact that he wasn’t asking me questions about my personal life even though I did feel like we’d become better friends lately. There was still that work boundary that I felt sure neither of us would cross. Besides, I needed to focus on my relationship if anything was going to get back to normal with Joe.
Annie had gotten an earful about everything that had happened since I’d last seen her. I felt a bit bad for talking so much about the things that were wrong between Joe and me—he would hate it if he knew—but Annie was a good listener and I did usually appreciate her take on things. She was a real “tell it like it is” kinda girl, and I was thankful for having her in my life.
And right now she was making me second-guess my decisions all over the place.
“Nicole, you should dump him, really. I mean, something seems really wrong to me.”
“Yeah, no kidding. The whole thing seems very wrong to me too.” I tried to laugh it off, but for all the truth she was saying out loud, it sounded ridiculous, even to my own ears.
“I’m talking about you taking him back. Do you honestly think he’s telling the truth? About that being the only time he’s cheated on you?”
No. I’m almost certain that it’s not. But I couldn’t say that out loud, not to Annie anyway.
“I’m not sure. I mean, I feel like I should give him the benefit of the doubt. He’s never given me a reason to doubt him before—not about other women.” My words sounded dumb.
“Yeah, well, he’s given you a good enough reason now, hasn’t he? To doubt him. You can’t get much more honest than seeing it with your own two eyes.”
I nodded my head, feeling that sickness in the pit of my stomach again that hadn’t completely gone away since the moment I’d seen Joe with that woman in his lap. Annie was right.
“Just be careful, Nicole. Think about yourself and what you want—what you deserve. That’s all I’m saying.”
“I know. You’re right. I’m trying.”
“There’s plenty of men out there who will treat you well—who would love to treat you much better than Joe treats you.” Annie smiled as she blatantly looked over to where Taylor was standing. “Case in point being across the room.”
I felt my face grow warm and I wasn’t even quite sure why. I certainly didn’t need to be thinking about any other guys right now. I felt certain that Annie was wrong about that.
“Oh, stop. Taylor and I are just friends—regardless of what does or doesn’t happen with Joe and me.”
“If you say so. But I have my money on the two of you getting together at some point in the near future.” Annie giggled. “Okay, so maybe it won’t happen while you’re still working here, but that’s bound to change soon enough too. What with your new singing career and all. Just you wait.”
I laughed, happy that the conversation had at least shifted from what a jerk Joe was. “Well, we’ll see, I guess. Anyway, thanks for listening—as usual.” I leaned over to give her a hug, conscious of Taylor’s quick glance away from us. “Now we better seriously get back to work,” I said under my breath, and Annie laughed as she walked away to another table of shirts that needed straightening.
Kaz and I sat chatting on the small sofa in the practice space during our short break for the night. The rest of the guys had gone out to grab a quick bite to eat. Now he was telling me that he had something to ask me, and I wasn’t sure why my heart was suddenly beating so fast. He hadn’t been pressuring me at all about my official answer in response to the band’s asking me to join them; and tonight’s practice had gone really well, just as the ones before it had. I was feeling more and more comfortable each time we played together, and I was even starting to bring some of my own ideas forward—all of which had been well received by the guys.
“So I have something kinda important to ask you.”
I nodded, having no idea what it could possibly be. “Okay.”
“We’ve got a big gig this weekend—our first really, other than a few smaller ones we’ve done as favors for friends.” He looked at me with a big grin on his face. “Please say you’ll join us.”
My heart lurched in my chest. A gig. It had been so long—way too long. I wanted to say yes. Was there a reason not to say yes?
Kaz didn’t wait for me to speak. “To be clear, there’s still no pressure or anything. I mean, we hope that you’re gonna officially join us soon, but I think this would be fun for you and I know you’re ready for it—we’re ready for it. What do you think?”
This weekend. Was I ready? Before I could think much about it, I felt myself nodding my head. “Yes, I’ll do it.”
Kaz’s face broke out in an even bigger grin. “Great, Nicole.”
“Wait.”
This weekend. Please say that it’s Friday or Sunday.
“What day are we talking about?”
“Saturday night—our set is for around ten, give or take thirty minutes—you know how these things go. We’ll plan to practice most of
the weekend, so hopefully you’ll be—”
“Sorry, Kaz. I’m not sure.” I was a little surprised at how disappointed I was feeling. “I mean, I want to, but—but I sort of have something else that I’ve committed to for Saturday night.”
“You can’t get out of it?”
I could see the disappointment on his face and wondered if it would be a good thing or a bad thing to tell him what my commitment was. He’d probably think that as a fellow musician, Joe would be supportive of my playing a show—my first show with the new band. But Kaz didn’t know Joe, so I decided to keep it all to myself.
“I’m not sure. Maybe I can. I hate to ask this of you, but can I let you know? Say by tomorrow noon?”
I’d sleep on it. And I did have my appointment with Zara in the morning. I didn’t have to wonder what Zara’s opinion would be, though. But it had to be my decision. And right now, I felt committed to making things work with Joe. I had no idea how he would take it if I was singing at my own gig rather than going to the one big show that he’d asked me to go to in a long time. I knew that it was important to him for whatever reason.
But what about what’s important to me?
“Sure, Nicole. That’s fine. You let me know tomorrow. I know it’s really short notice—it is for us too, so we’ll just work with what we have in the meantime. Code for—it will be a lot stronger if you can join us.” He laughed.
I nodded my head.
Talk about bad timing.
Or just maybe it was all about timing, and for once I needed to remember that I was doing things for myself—that I’d already declared this as my time.
Chapter 20
Zara was looking at me as if I’d lost my mind. I had to admit that it was making me feeling a little uncomfortable, which was rare around her. I’d filled her in on everything new that had happened—seeing Joe and my conversation with Kaz, and the big decision that had to be made. Joe had been texting me all morning—Zara had just watched me read another one of his messages—and I had yet to mention anything to him about my own show Saturday night. Now I was trying to get some clarity for it all at my scheduled coaching session with Zara, and I couldn’t make any sense out of the many thoughts I had going around in my head.
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