by Castle, Jack
Grinning like the proverbial cat, Ralphie patted Jaden on the back and soon, everyone began donning their jackets and filing out. As they did so, across the herding cattle, Ralphie caught her eyes for a moment and almost--almost did a double take. It must’ve been the way she had been staring at him. She hadn’t looked at him that way in a very long time.
Elaine made a resolution to remedy that in the future. She had said she had forgiven him a long time ago, but had she really? Had she been harboring a secret grudge all these years? Well if she had, it ended now. This time she would truly forgive him. A fresh start.
Really, Elaine? The man who cheated on you with that little chicky who cleaned your barracks overseas. Tsk, tsk, tsk, Elaine. What a short memory you have indeed.
‘It was only the one time, and I said I forgave him,’ she argued with the Voice in her head. Ralphie helped her into her coat, completely unaware of the war raging inside her head.
Oh please, Elaine, the Voice said. You deserve so much better. Do you know what he’s probably thinking right now? He’s probably thinking about leaving you for some young debutante, maybe that tramp behind the deli counter at the grocery store who is always fawning over him every time he buys a sandwich. I can see it now, the two of them opening up a diner together… maybe even a diner like this one. And where’s that leave you? I’ll tell you where. You’ll be the laughingstock of your book club, the Rotary, most likely the whole community will know he left you for some young hussy, and they’ll probably want to hang out with them instead of you.
Despite what this new Voice was telling her (and oh my, didn’t he have the most delightful English accent, just like that clever bloke on the BBC, what was that actor’s name, oh yes, Benjamin Wellington) she decided to wait for Ralphie, who was holding open the front door--the door pane was bucking like a raging bull in the wind but Ralphie held firm so everyone could finish filing out.
With Jaden leading the front of the group, the tour group was already halfway across the highway. The wind was still kicking up quite a bit of fluff, so Elaine wasn’t quite sure, but across the street she thought she could almost make out the firefighter, big bearded man, and two women with them.
When Elaine turned back toward the diner she was surprised to find Ralphie wasn’t following. No, instead he was struggling to secure the door in the furious wind.
She could’ve helped him but instead she yelled, “Oh for Pete’s sake, Ralphie, would you just leave it already?”
Either Ralphie didn’t hear her or was just plain ignoring her.
Typical. He never listens. Does he? He cares more about that stupid diner than he does you.
Perhaps Ben was right. Oh, it’s Ben now? This time the voice was her own… and she was talking to herself like a certifiable crazy person.
“Ralphie!” she screamed, stamping her foot in the snow, feeling the ice as it slid down into her flats, infuriating her even further.
When her husband finally left the door she could see where he had removed the belt from his pants and used it to secure the doors. As he jogged over to her he hooked a thumb back toward the diner and said proudly, “I couldn’t lock it but that’ll keep any more snow from getting in there.”
Oh my, isn’t he pleased with himself.
“I’m freezing to my death out here, and all you can think about is a little snow getting inside some crappy diner?”
She heard the words coming out of her mouth and didn’t like them. She didn’t like seeing the triumphant smile on Ralphie’s face turn downtrodden even more.
Oh, don’t feel so bad. He deserved it. Making you wait out in a snowstorm like that. You deserve so much better.
Ralphie removed his own jacket and draped it around her shoulders. She didn’t protest. Sure he’d be a little cold, but Ralphie was a tough old bird, he could take it.
Ralphie helped her across the highway and into the parking lot of the motel. Everyone else had already gone inside and was safe and warm. She reminded herself to fix her makeup as soon as she was inside--she must’ve looked a fright.
But Elaine, you don’t have your purse. Whatever will you do?
Benjamin (excuse me, don’t you mean Ben) was right, of course. In her haste to leave the diner she had left her purse underneath the counter. But she didn’t really need it, did she?
WHAT? Ben asked her a bit louder than ever before. Your makeup, credit cards, cash, do you really want some little hoodlum, some miscreant, some thug, stealing all of your hard earned money? Send Ralphie back to get it right this minute.
“Why are you stopping? Are you hurt?” Ralphie asked with far too much concern than the situation warranted.
“My purse,” she said without meeting his gaze, staring straight ahead. “I left it back in the diner. Would you be a dear? I wouldn’t ask but our credit cards are in there.”
This time she did look at him. She thought he would argue; tell her she was being foolish. Instead he surprised her by saying, “Of course, sweetheart. Are you sure you can make it the rest of the way on your own?”
She fought down the urge to respond with something sarcastic like, ‘I think I can walk across a parking lot in a little snowstorm,’ but held her tongue.
He really doesn’t think you can. He thinks you’re a dried up old hag who can’t do anything for herself, and who’d be lost without him. That’s why he’s leaving you for that younger woman at the grocery store. That’s why you’ll be a laughingstock in your own town. You’ll be one of those women who have to go out with a black scarf over your head and dark glasses.
Elaine nodded to Ralphie that she could make it on her own. And that was good enough for him. He gave her a quick peck on the cheek and said, “You go on ahead without me. No use both of us freezing our asses off out here.”
“No, I’ll wait,” she said, having no intention of doing any such thing.
“Just go,” he ordered.
Elaine knew that tone. It was Ralphie’s no-nonsense tone. He could be persuaded to change his mind in just about any darn ole thing but if he thought it was a matter of her safety he was as stubborn as an old goat.
She nodded feebly, and touched him on the forearm. “Don’t be long,” she said, but with the howling wind, she doubted Ralphie heard her. His own head bobbed up and down in acquiescence, as it often did when he pretended like he could actually hear her.
She watched him turn back toward the diner and trudge through the snow. That’s when she knew Ben was right. Ralphie was going to leave her for that red-headed woman who worked behind the deli counter. The one that knew him by name and always made a big deal about every time he came into the store.
Most likely leave he’ll leave you penniless, too.
Ben was sure right on that score. Ralphie’s golf buddy, Wayne Hauser, was the best divorce attorney in town. But what could she do? She couldn’t afford an expensive divorce lawyer on her own. Everything was in Ralphie’s name. He’d get everything and she’d be left with nothing.
Unless…
‘Unless what?’
No. You don’t want to hear it. I mean, it would solve all of your problems. Instead of becoming the local pariah you’d have the house, the cars, all the money to yourself, plus everyone would feel sorry for you. But alas, no. I’m sure you’ll be fine all alone in your one bedroom apartment on the other side of town. Maybe you could get a cat?
‘No, I want to hear it.’
But Ben didn’t answer. And for a long moment Elaine actually thought ole, smooth-talking Ben had left her. She felt a vast emptiness sweep over her. In those few seconds without dear Benjamin, she would’ve given anything to have him back. And not only back, but back with the answer to all of her problems. She would’ve given him anything.
Well, I wasn’t going to mention it, but I wonder…what if there was some sort of accident?
A rush of relief swept over her upon his return. After composing herself she asked Ben, ‘An accident?’
Yes. Accidents happen a
ll the time. What if a piano fell on his head or some junkie stabbed him in a rest stop bathroom or… I dunno… maybe…
‘Or maybe, what?’
Or he got hit by a bus.
That last one sounded good; had some real finality to it.
Elaine lifted her gaze and saw that Ralphie was now halfway across the ice-covered asphalt. Ralphie getting run over by a bus would pretty much solve all of her problems. She’d not only get the house, the cars, all of the money to herself but Ben was right of course, she’d get all of the attention--for once.
I need you to say it, Elaine. Out loud.
“Yes, Ralphie getting hit by a bus would be just fine.”
That’s my girl.
And that’s when it happened.
NOW RALPHIE
As much as he hated to admit it, this trip had done their marriage a world of good. Dancing around the diner in a skirt like that made Elaine seem twenty years younger. And she hadn’t looked at him like that in… so far back he couldn’t remember. But he liked it. After all, he loved his wife with every fiber of his being.
“When this is all over, I’m going to buy that damn diner,” he said aloud as he sloshed through the snow. ‘Or maybe something like it. Anything that will get my Ellie back. I don’t care about the cost. I know it was a mistake cheating on her with that housekeeper. I knew I should’ve gone back to the states with her to visit her sick mom. I never should’ve gotten drunk at the Christmas party. But that’s no excuse. I know Elaine’s never forgiven me, not really, even after forty years. And I don’t blame her. But starting now, I’m going to spend what little time we have left making it up to her. Yep. No matter what the cost, I’m gonna win her back. Why? Because I love her.’
Ralphie hadn’t gotten more than a few steps onto the highway when he heard it; the blaring sound of a horn. He lifted his eyes from the icy road to stare directly into the oncoming oversized grill. He had just enough time to look over at Elaine, who took in a deep breath to scream, but Ralphie never heard it because his head became what military snipers like to call, “The Pink Mist”.
ELAINE ONCE MORE
Elaine had heard the abrupt wet and sticky sound as the tour bus slammed into her husband. At Ben’s urging, she had turned back around in the nick of time to see the massive tour bus plow into Ralphie and carry him off like an unusual hood ornament.
See, didn’t I tell you? Didn’t I tell you it would be glorious?
Elaine knew she was to blame. After all, it was she who had insisted Ralphie go back and get her purse in the diner. And now he was dead and she got to see every last… (wait for it)… wonderfully-gruesome detail; his frail body getting turned into jelly, and then ground beneath the bus’s undercarriage, leaving behind only a long narrow stain on the ice that even now was being covered up with a thin veil of snow.
See, problem solved. You get everything now.
Elaine should’ve been mortified.
She wasn’t.
If anything she was delighted. After all these years that cheating bastard finally got what he deserved. She clenched her jacket a little tighter and sighed albeit a bit too happily.
The last thing she saw on the back of the departing bus was the stenciled message: Professional Drivers With Safety Experience. Then the bus continued on down the highway like a ghost ship vanishing into the thickening ice fog. This was impossible, of course. The roads were impassable. That’s what the nice young fireman (and a handsome devil, too) had said. But what was equally impossible was Elaine knew things now. Like how the bus driver had never really gotten very far down the road at all before turning around and getting summoned back to the motel. In fact, if anybody had been paying attention they would have seen him park the bus behind the truck stop. If they had bothered to check up on him they would’ve seen how the lady with the metal horn sticking out of the side of her head had snapped his neck with little more than a thought.
See, didn’t I tell you I would take care of you? Now everything is going to be fine from here on out, peaches and cream.
Elaine turned back toward the motel. She’d catch her death if she stayed out here much longer.
As she began her long trek back to the motel she had the oddest thought pop into her head. Elaine wasn’t really sure whose idea it was, hers or Benjamin’s, but the thought came to her just the same.
Now, who else should we kill?
Chapter 25
Here’s Your Room Key
“Here you go, Elaine,” Jaden said, smiling as he handed over a set of room keys. “Your room number is 106.”
“Thank you, young man,” Elaine responded swiftly and sweetly, staring at him like a cat about to devour a mouse--drunk with power--she was fairly certain who she was going to kill next.
On his clipboard Jaden wrote her name down next to her room number. He was about to reach for another key off the wall when he stopped, turned toward her, and asked, “Say, where’s your husband? I haven’t seen him since we left the diner.”
Yes, definitely kill him next!
Thinking fast Elaine responded, “Oh, don’t worry about Ralphie. He’s just closing up the diner all nice and tight. You’d think he owned the place. He probably wants to take inventory to make sure we have plenty of food for everybody in the morning.”
Jaden tilted his head to the side and shook his head with a happy grin. “Wow, your husband is such a good man.”
Hood ornament is more like it.
Elaine giggled, and said inwardly, ‘Oh, shush you.’
Then putting his hand to his mouth as though he was conveying some secret Jaden lowered his voice and added, “We should all be so lucky.”
Elaine smiled through crocodilian teeth. “Yes, that’s my Ralphie.”
Jaden patted her elbow. “And my, aren’t you simply glowing? I swear this little adventure of ours certainly hasn’t left you looking worse for wear.”
This time Elaine did blush and swatted him playfully back. “Oh, Jaden,” she teased, “I bet you say that to all the old ladies.”
Maybe we’ll kill this one last. I’m starting to like him.
“I’m sorry to interrupt, but I’ve been standing here for ten minutes.” It was the middle-aged nerd with the ridiculous ponytail and equally ridiculous t-shirt. “Could I get a room key please?”
This time Benjamin the Voice took on a more circus barker tone, We have a contender…
Elaine and Jaden shared a look and then the Tour Guide handed the nerd key number 105. ‘Huh. How serendipitous. It’s the room right next to mine.’ It was as though fate was literally begging her to remove this idiot from the gene pool.
Suddenly Elaine felt a mild discomfort all over her body. She wasn’t quite able to articulate the feeling, but the closest analogy she could think of was when you exited a dark room and went outside on a sunny day without your sunglasses, how the light burned right into your brain.
She turned to find the source that was growing by the second and grimaced when she saw the young lady with the Fireman and the big lineman; the three of them were all walking toward her. The cheerleader wasn’t far behind.
“I was wondering where you four had wandered off to,” she said as sweetly as she could muster. Gosh. She felt as she was going to vomit right there. And Benjamin was strangely quiet.
The three of them all gawked at one another like stupid apes. Finally the young Fireman said, “Umm… yeah, we were just checking out the garage over by the gas station. Seeing if we could find anything useful.”
“And did you?” Elaine asked knowingly. “Find anything useful, that is?”
The big lineman opened his mouth to speak but before any words could come out of his mouth the young military woman blurted out, “No!” Then realizing she had spoken loud enough for the last of the tour bus people filing off to their rooms to hear her, she lowered her voice and said, “That is… nothing you wouldn’t expect to find in any mechanic’s garage.”
She’s lying! Benjamin said, al
though his voice seemed more distant than before, as though he were standing outside the room and only popping in long enough to say something.
‘Obviously,’ Elaine replied soothingly, but what she said externally, in her most feeble-sounding voice was, “Oh well. I’m sure we can count on you three to keep us safe until morning.”
You wily girl.
“Well, I best be off to get my beauty sleep,” Elaine sang, then saying over her shoulder she added, “Goodnight, Jaden.”
“Goodnight, Elaine,” Jaden said, practically singing the words right back.
Now where is that annoying middle-aged nerd?
(See? Elaine’s figured it out, the middle-aged nerd knows too much for his own good.)
"Because that he had been often bound with fetters and chains, and the chains had been plucked asunder by him, and the fetters broken in pieces: neither could any man tame him."
Mark 5:4
(I’ve always found this verse fascinating. Don’t you? Here we have a man who can’t be bound by chain or man and yet the town’s folk did not kill him with a spear or sword. Why?)
(Still here?)
(What’s that? What’s going on, you ask? It does seem things are happening a bit randomly, don’t they? Rabid animals, the Christmas Kewpie Doll, Princess Perm-a-Lot back from the dead, and now turning poor-poor Ralphie into a hood ornament. All seems to be happening without any rhyme or reason doesn’t it, or are they all connected somehow. As if, I don’t know, the whole world had just gone mad. I wonder what that would be like? I suppose a lot like what Becca and her friends are experiencing now, don’t you think?
Let’s continue on… shall we? Unless you’re scared. You’re not, are you? Because if you are, this might be a good time to stop. I’m afraid things get a little… repugnant… from here.)