by Lilly James
I shook my head, but he continued to be lovely, kind, and caring. I knew by the tone in his voice he felt incapable, felt unsure of what to do. When he was always sure.
“Is there anything I can get you? Anything you want?”
“I just want you to leave me alone,” I snapped, throwing his arm away from me.
His breath caught in bewilderment, and I knew if I looked into his eyes, what would be staring back at me would be hurt, utterly wounded, and confused as to why I reacted that way.
“No problem,” he whispered. “I’ll let you get some sleep.” He kissed me gently on the back of my head and lay behind me. Facing me but not daring to touch me.
Even though I had my eyes closed tightly, tears still escaped. I was crying silently, a pain killing me from inside because I hated the way I was acting. I always wanted to be held by Parks. Always loved falling asleep in his arms at night. However, in that moment I despised myself. I didn’t want the man I deeply treasured to touch a monster like me.
Chapter Twenty-Three
I couldn’t sleep that night. I tossed and turned for hours. My thoughts wouldn’t let me rest. Maybe it was a way for my body to punish me for being such a cold and cruel human. Parks was still sleeping, and I was facing him, looking over his perfect face. Staring at his lips as he breathed softly, like an angel sleeping on the pillow. I closed my eyes briefly and drew in a deep breath. I couldn’t keep it a secret from him. I had to tell him I was pregnant and exactly what I planned to do.
I’d gone into a daydream, only being brought back into reality when I felt Parks’s hand on my cheek. “Morning, Princess.”
I blinked up at him and saw his green eyes were still sleepy but holding so much adoration for me. How could he adore me?
“You okay?” He frowned slightly, his hand on my cheek. I swallowed hard. The feeling of lying to him and keeping the pregnancy a secret felt like a huge weight inside my stomach. Pulling me down. Making me feel sick.
Closing my eyes, I begin to talk. “I’m…” I paused, mentally willing myself to spit the words out, but I physically couldn’t do it.
“What, baby? You’re scaring me, and I never get scared.” Parks leaned up on an elbow, looking down on me, every inch concerned.
“I’m scared too,” I croaked. It felt like a ball of thistles was lodged in my throat.
Parks moved in closer, his expression instantly changing to serious. “Now I’m terrified. Tell me.”
I opened my mouth and closed it again. I couldn’t tell him when he was so close. Shakily, I climbed from the bed, swung my legs out, and walked into the middle of the room. Turning my back on him, I felt safe to confess. “I’m pregnant,” I blurted out, my bones and muscles falling numb.
There was silence in the room, and it made me slowly turn around to face him. When my eyes hit his, I watched the blood drain from his face, his complexion white as snow.
“You’re what?” he breathed out.
“Pregnant,” I whispered, fearing the worst. I’d already geared myself up for him giving me a lecture, telling me how stupid we’d been. And maybe I was glad he was going to act that way because he would agree that an abortion was the right decision.
I was completely proven wrong.
“Princess, that’s…this is amazing.”
I gulped, witnessing the colour come back into his cheeks. A huge smile formed across his lips.
“What?” I breathed out, truly and utterly taken aback. “Amazing? Are you serious?”
“Of course I am.” Parks climbed out of bed, almost running towards me like an excited child on Christmas. “We’re going to have a baby, and you thought I’d be angry about that? Evelyn, this is…holy fuck.” He took hold of my shoulders and kissed me so hard, I had to push him away from me.
“This is not amazing,” I shrieked, the spite in my words knocking him backwards. “We can’t be parents. I can’t be a mother. I can’t even look after myself, let alone a baby.”
The pain and confusion that quickly swept across his face still didn’t make me want to change my mind. “What are you saying?”
I remained firm, my arms crossed and back straight. “I’m saying I can’t do this. I’m having it aborted.”
His face returned to the colour of his white sheets. “You’re what?” he breathed out painfully, his words hardly audible.
I stared at him, pretending to act fearless and strong, even though I was finding it excruciating to stare into the eyes of a man who looked like I’d just ripped his whole world apart. “Getting rid of it,” I said, standing firm on the outside, but my insides felt like jelly, about to melt at any moment and leave me in pieces.
“You don’t want our baby?” His words were swarming in agony.
“It’s not my baby, or your baby. It’s just a thing,” I snapped.
He grabbed hold of my cheeks and forced me to look at him. “Are you out of your fucking mind?” he yelled. My body told me to take a step back, but my mind told me to stand my ground.
Smacking his hands from my face, I yelled back at him, “I don’t want it, Wade. I’ve never wanted children. I told you this.”
“But things are different now, Evelyn. Think of the life we can give this baby.”
I knew exactly what life I could give a baby. “That’s all I’ve been doing, Wade. Why the fuck would I want to burden this child with a mother like me? What if I’m exactly like my own mum? I couldn’t put a child through that.” I walked to the window, pressed my palm against the wall, and bowed my head.
“Evelyn, you are nothing like that woman.”
“But she didn’t want me, and now I don’t want my own child.” I spun around vehemently. “I’m exactly like her.”
Parks shook his head, willing me to try and think straight. “You’re scared, Evelyn. That’s understandable. Hell, I’m scared.” He thumped a fist against his chest. “But you have me to go through this with you. Together.”
“You?” I spat, looking down over his body. “You’re more fucked up than I am.” Oh fuck. I slapped my hand against my mouth, wishing I got it there sooner to stop the cruel words that flew from my lips. “I didn’t mean that,” I breathed out, edging towards him, but he took a step back, making me halt.
Parks nodded slowly, pursing his lips. “No, I get it. I am fucked up. But there is nothing in my mind that makes me doubt my parenting skills. I would give my whole fucking life to give a child a father who would walk to the end of the earth for them. Because that is what I’d do. My father was fucked up before he had children, and he chose to stay on the dark path and made our lives hell. I know I would never put my own child through the same shit. I would aspire to be the man my child needs. My child will know how much it is loved. Never mind what fucked-up shit I have going on inside my head, my child would be loved.” He saw my tears falling down my face and the agony that shone through my eyes. But instead of wiping my tears away like he normally would, his nostrils flared. And when he spoke, his voice was a threatening whisper.
“Over my dead body are you taking such a precious gift away from me, Evelyn.” He spun on his heel, turning his back on me.
“Wade? Where are you going?” I yelled, but he ignored me and slammed the bedroom door on my voice.
I plonked myself down onto the edge of the bed, mindlessly staring at a photo of the two of us on the side table. Why couldn’t we go back to Australia, where we were happy, needing nothing else in our lives except each other? He was my fiancé, and I thought telling him about this situation would bring us closer together. Thought he would support my decision and stay by my side every step of the way. Better still, agree that bringing a baby into our world would be a disaster.
Fuck. My head fell into my hands, and I rubbed them over my face. He wanted to keep the baby, but I didn’t, and I didn’t see a way of ever agreeing on what was best. But I knew what was best for me. It was my body, my choice. He couldn’t control the situation this time.
I almost ran into my
wardrobe, pulled a holdall from a drawer, and started shoving in some clothes and underwear. Then I ran to the bathroom, threw in some essentials, and then headed back into the bedroom, eagerly looking around for my smartphone.
“Tabby,” I said before she could even say hello. “Could I stay with you for a couple of days?”
“Evey? What’s wrong with you, girl? You sound panicked.”
I sighed heavily. I didn’t want to give her the details over the phone. I just wanted somewhere to stay while I got myself together. “Can I just come and stay?”
“Sure. Come right over. But—”
I hung up, shoved my phone into my holdall, zipped it up, and then ran back into the wardrobe. I pulled a jumper over my head, quickly pulled on yoga pants, slipped my feet into trainers, and threw my hair up.
Throwing the holdall over my shoulder, I headed for the bedroom door. I pressed my ear to the wood and listened for anything that would tell me where Parks was. As I walked down the spiral stairs to his lobby, I could hear thudding. He was in his gym, so I quickly made my way out the front door and jabbed the button on the lift furiously, trying to make it come before Parks saw me leaving.
Inside the lift, my whole body deflated. Why, oh why did this have to fuck up our happiness? Wasn’t I allowed to be happy? Clearly not.
I left through the back entrance, making sure the man at the front desk wouldn’t see me. It took me around ten minutes to flag down a taxi, and by that time I was cursing because it was typical it would take me so long to get one when I was trying to make a quick getaway.
Inside the taxi, I quickly looked through the back window to see if anyone had followed me, but it looked all clear. I quickly switched off my smartphone before Parks called and located where I was by tracking me, then stared out of the window mindlessly until I came to Tabby’s flat.
“Come in.” Tabby glanced over my shoulder before letting me in. It was still early, and she was still in her PJs, her hair a pretty mess in a bun on top of her head. “Evey, what’s wrong?” she pushed, remaining on her feet when I slumped down into the sofa.
“Everything’s fucked up.” Hiccupping, I caught a sob in my throat before it broke out and pressed the back of my hand to my mouth.
“What’s happened?” she pushed, panicked because of my anxious and upset state.
I glanced up at her standing in front of me. “I’m pregnant, Tabby.”
She blinked a couple of times, then her gaze wandered away from mine. It looked like she was in deep thought. “You’re having a baby?” She looked back at me after a pause. “How does Wade feel about this?”
Wade? “He’s overjoyed,” I murmured, pulling a pillow to my chest.
Tabby didn’t make eye contact with me, and her expression remained impassive. However, I was too wrapped up in my own emotional state to wonder what the hell she was thinking in that little head of hers.
“I’m not keeping it if you’re wondering,” I spat, angry at the wrong person.
Her eyes lit up all of a sudden, like she agreed with my decision. Well, at least someone did. “You’re not?” She slowly sat down on the chair opposite me. “But you just said Wade’s happy?”
“He is,” I groaned, feeling sick all over again. “But I’m not. I mean,” I scoffed, glancing down my body, “look at me, Tabby. How the hell could I ever bring joy into a child’s life?”
She got to her feet and sat down next to me, making me shift a little so she wasn’t so close. “You couldn’t.” She sighed. I looked up out of my lap, taken a little by surprise but relieved someone was being honest. “I mean, sure you have all the money that could provide a child with whatever it needed, but you need to want that child in the first place. If you have it knowing it wasn’t your decision, then will you hate it for ruining your life?”
The harsh frown I made showed Tabby I was a little pissed at what she was insisting. “No.” I shook my head. “I will hate myself because I know I would ruin its life.”
“Because you won’t give your all into being a parent?”
I swiped my hands out in front of me. “I don’t want to be a parent. Full stop.”
“Then you can’t have the baby, Evey.” I looked up at her again and saw her serious expression. “You know, I have a daughter out there I would kill to get back. Although, I understand your decision completely even if Wade doesn’t. I’m here for you.”
She held out her arms and offered a hug. I hesitated, but so unlike me, I felt I needed to be reassured. I needed to be told I had someone in my corner. I felt vulnerable, and in that moment I had no energy to bring myself out of that feeling. I closed my eyes on a deep sigh, swiped away a tear, and leaned over, allowing Tabby to put her arms around me while I rested my chin on her shoulders.
“You know,” she said softly, beginning to stroke my hair, “I don’t think your relationship will work after this, Evey.”
I pulled away from her so I could see her clearly and blinked teary eyes. “What?”
She pushed my hair behind my ear gently, her words coming out soft as if she was trying to soothe me. “When you get rid of this baby, Wade is going to probably hate you. You know that, right?”
Straight talkers, honest and ballsy people were the ones I loved the most, because I was one of them, but shit, the honesty firing from Tabby’s mouth was a little overwhelming.
I worked a hard swallow down my throat. “He would be mad, but he wouldn’t hate me.” The thought of Parks hating me cut me apart from the inside out.
“Are you sure about that?” Tabby narrowed her pretty, blue eyes. “Sounds to me like Wade is pretty set on having a child. You take that away from him, how is he going to feel? Could you live with him hating a part of you? Knowing he’d probably throw it back in your face?”
Tabby was right. How could I stay with him knowing he hated me for terminating his child? How could I stay where he would look at me each and every day with hatred?
Shaking my head, I refused to believe I would make Parks feel that way. Even though I wasn’t kidding myself. “I can’t have my fiancé feeling that way about me, Tabby.”
She tilted her head to the side, looking right into my soul with compassion. “And you can’t keep this baby just because he wants you to, either.”
My stomach was doing somersaults again. I felt the bile rising upwards, my cheeks burning up and my mouth beginning to water. I couldn’t live without Wade Parks. The one man that had brought me into the light, made me have a reason for living, for existing, for breathing. Although I couldn’t give him what he predominantly wanted—a child. How, as a future wife, could I compete? Yet, how as a future wife was that doing my duties to a man that wanted to have a family of his own? I tried to wing it, tried to brush off the questions or comments he made previously, but how could I wing it forever? I couldn’t. Terminating something so precious to my Parks was going to kill him, and it was also going to kill our marriage before it even started.
My mind went back to my old thoughts, the ones I knew I should have believed. When if anything was going good in my life, something deep and dark had to come along and fuck it all up. This problem, though, was the biggest bitch of all. It was going to leave me with nothing. Leave me with a broken heart, no home, no fiancé, no wedding, and a feeling so painful and dark that I would never be able to stare at my reflection again. Never be able to love that person staring back at me because I got everything I deserved—nothing.
“Evey, I’m just going to make a quick phone call.”
I heard Tabby, but I just nodded. Biting the tip of my thumb, I stared at her bare wall, allowing tears to fall because any energy I had to wipe them away, to try and force myself to be brave, had faded into oblivion. Weakness, vulnerability, and fear were overtaking me, and I didn’t care. As thoughts charged around in my mind, seeming to get faster and showing no signs of taking a pit stop, I vaguely heard Tabby talking on her phone from her bedroom.
“I know…but change of plan.” Her voice f
aded out as I rubbed at my eyes. No doubt red-raw because they were stinging like hell.
Tabby came back into the room a while later, looking heated in the cheeks. Before she spoke again, she took a deep breath. “Sorry about that. Anyway, would you like a cup of tea? It normally helps, doesn’t it?” She lowered herself next to me and put a soothing hand on my back.
“Sure.”
She got up and busied herself in the kitchen. I had taken to staring at the walls, trying to figure out dates. Trying to figure out how everything was going to end.
Tabby came back with the tea and handed it to me gently. I took the warm mug out of her hands and mindlessly sipped at it.
“So,” she began, “when should we make an appointment?”
Bowing my head, I felt too ashamed to look Tabby in the eye and shrugged.
“Now?” she suggested. “Why wait?”
I ignored her, about to touch my stomach, but I couldn’t even bring my nasty self to do that. I shook my head, trying to be firm with my decision. “I suppose.”
Tabby knelt in front of me, making me look at her. “What if we find a private hospital? They can do it quicker.”
I took my head out my hands and glared at her. “You think I should just go ahead and do it behind Wade’s back?”
She shrugged a shoulder so casually it wasn’t normal. “You were going to anyway, weren’t you?” She must have seen the look on my face, so she sighed again, placing her hands on my knees. “Evey, if you do it, Wade will hate you anyway. Isn’t it better to do it alone, without him trying to sway your mind?”
“I don’t know what to do,” I cried and got to my feet, aimlessly walking into the middle of the room. “He is going to hate me either way, you’re right.” Wrapping my arms around myself, I hoped they would protect me, but nothing could. Nothing could shield me from what I was going to do.
“Then it’s settled.” Tabby climbed to her feet and nudged her head towards her bedroom door. “Let me grab my laptop and take a look at who we can contact. Finish off your tea.”
I glanced up at the ceiling, swallowed hard, and tried to push back tears. It was no use. “Fine,” I agreed. “I need to get some air.”