by Koethi Zan
‘Come on, Julie, it will be his neck, his baby mouth and nose to be stopped up.’
She’d tell them it was stillborn. And then let come what may. If they killed her in turn, well, she would deserve it. She’d willingly put her head on the block. The act was wrong, but it must be completed.
‘I’ll be a murderer,’ she whispered. The word made her feel sick.
She lay on the floor in the dark in the middle of her room, with one cheek pressed to the tiles, sobbing.
Her mind was settled though. There was no alternative. No going back.
With that decision, a sort of calm descended over her. She understood then the feeling of the executioner who knows that though his task is horrific, it is the only lawful and moral path. The killing would be a sacrifice to the gods of justice. It would be against nature, but it must be done.
Death was growing inside her. Death, not life.
‘And so it is written,’ she whispered.
CHAPTER 27
‘Car accident,’ Cora said, not meeting anyone’s eyes back at school three weeks later. ‘Just got out of the hospital.’ They didn’t ask questions. One look at her face and the admin staff had stamped her hall pass with ‘Excused’ in red ink and sent her on her merry way.
If she’d been anyone else, someone friendly and popular, someone who belonged to the history club or the marching band, she’d surely be getting warm hugs, tender consolations in the halls, and get-well notes taped to her locker door, just like Millie Mason when she’d broken her arm in a cheerleading fall or Cy Parsons when his older brother had died in a small-plane crash.
But that wasn’t the case for her. She was invisible for the most part and if she got any notice at all, it wasn’t the welcome kind. Sometimes a couple of sophomore girls would brush past her, walking close together like Siamese twins, their hands joined over their faces as they murmured to one another.
Once a football player got really close, and whispered in her ear.
‘Slut,’ he hissed and then high-fived his grinning buddies who’d watched him fulfill their dare.
Maybe they all knew the truth, maybe they didn’t. Either way, Cora had lost her thin sheen of social cover when she’d been so forcibly and literally kicked out of her wayward little clique.
Now she had to get out of Stillwater.
‘You said yourself it was time to leave,’ she pleaded with her father at breakfast.
‘I did. And we will. Soon enough.’ He swigged down his second beer of the morning. He hadn’t touched his eggs.
‘What about Florida?’ she pushed. ‘You always said you wanted to live somewhere warm. We can camp at a National Park.’
He leaned toward her, smiling.
‘We’ll go when I’m good and ready.’ He was enjoying this.
She knew how his mind worked. She’d made a mistake letting him see what she wanted. Now he could torment her with it, play his little games.
She stood up to clear the table, brooding over how he’d barely remarked on her bruises or her hobbling gait. He was oblivious to her situation. She’d have to up the ante or they’d stay there forever.
She threw the plates into the sink and jerked the faucet handle to full blast.
She knew what she had to do. She would tell him. That was how it worked sometimes. She had to blow everything up and climb out of the ashes, born anew. It was the only power she had.
She sat back down across from him. When he cracked open the third beer, she took a deep breath and gripped the edge of her seat, her heart thudding out of control. She had to do it before she lost her nerve.
Say it.
‘You don’t understand,’ she forced out. ‘They killed my baby.’
There. She’d done it.
But when his cold eyes flicked over to her, she experienced a moment of sheer panic. She watched his face, waiting for the explosion, ready to raise her hands up in defense against him.
But he said nothing, did nothing. He only drummed his fingers slowly on the table as his gaze drifted off into the distance behind her. She couldn’t read the thoughts that must be swirling behind his blank eyes and that terrified her a million times more than his usual temper tantrums. She’d never seen him so somber, so controlled.
‘Explain,’ he said at last.
With a shaking voice, she told him the whole story, bit by horrible bit. She begged for forgiveness. She cried. She swore she’d never do anything wrong again. She’d be dutiful. She’d be good. If they could just leave Stillwater and pretend nothing had happened, everything would be okay.
Finally, he’d had enough. He held up his hand to stop her.
‘I have some things to take care of. Then we’ll go. We’ll head east. To Virginia.’
Cora sighed with relief and wiped the sweat from her brow with the edge of her sleeve. She closed her eyes and gave a silent prayer of thanks. He hadn’t even hit her. Maybe he had pity for her after all. Maybe he really loved her.
That day she started packing her things.
Then two weeks later, everything came crashing down.
As she walked home from school, she noticed a light glowing from the trailer window. She slowed her pace. Who was in there? Her father usually didn’t stick around during the day. Had someone broken in?
Why now, when they were so close to leaving town? Couldn’t they make it those last few days without more drama?
She went around the back to peer through the dirty window over the bed. She heard glasses clink. Putting the plastic bag she used now for her books under the back tire, she returned to the door, ready to fight. Everything she owned was in there.
She swung open the door, fists up.
It was her father. He stood there, expressionless, dressed in dingy work overalls with a beat-up satchel slung over his shoulder. This couldn’t be good.
‘You’re late,’ he said. ‘We have things to do.’
He grabbed her by the arm and dragged her out front to the truck. He’d already disconnected it from the trailer and put the keys in the ignition.
‘Get in,’ he said, not looking up. He threw the truck into gear and they bumped along the rocky road out to the highway.
‘Where are we going?’ She was terrified. He had that dead look in his eye.
‘You’ll see.’
He drove relatively steadily, considering the amount of booze she could smell coming off him.
They crossed the bridge into town and made their way down Main Street. It had rained earlier that day so the streets were slick and dark and drops clung to the trees dotting the sidewalks. The brick buildings of downtown huddled protectively over her. She felt that as long as they stayed there, in the comfort of the bustling commercial district, she was safe.
They passed the enormous cinderblock edifice of the Stillwater High School. In a way, she hated to leave all this behind. Everything could have been different if things had not gone so wrong with Reed. She wouldn’t have to be a nomad anymore. She could have put down roots.
Then her father turned left and Cora’s heart began to pound. This was the way to Joy’s apartment. But her father didn’t know about that, did he? How could he? Unless that’s how he’d been spending his time recently. He was smarter than he seemed and his petty criminal mind sometimes yielded results.
Why had she told him their names? Had she been angrier than she’d realized? Was she secretly hoping he’d exact his revenge? Whatever she’d felt at the time, she did not want this to happen.
‘Father? Where are we going? Please tell me.’ She felt desperate.
They were coming up on the right turn, but he was going too fast to make it. She took a deep breath. Maybe she was wrong, maybe he had some other destination in mind.
Then at the last second, he jerked the steering wheel and took the right after all. There could be no mistaking it now. Panicked, she glanced down at his satchel.
‘Father, what’s in the bag? What are you planning to do?’
Outside the w
indow, each block was progressively seedier than the last until she could see Joy’s apartment building in the distance. Her mind flashed back to the last time she’d been there. The horror. Her breath quickened. She couldn’t face it. She never wanted to see it again. She felt dizzy and her hands started to shake.
‘Father, I can’t go back there. Please don’t make me go back there.’ She whimpered like a kicked dog.
‘Shut up. You need to face this. No child of mine is going to be humiliated like that.’
‘No, no, I don’t need revenge. I’m fine. I’ll just avoid them. I’ll be more careful. I’ll come right home after school every day. It was wrong of me to try to make friends. I promise I’ll never do it again. Just me and you from now on, Father, you hear? I know that’s for the best.’ The useless chatter was pouring out of her.
With shaking hands, she grabbed the satchel and flipped it open, rummaging inside.
Her head rang. The bag contained only three items: a hammer, a pair of gloves, and the butcher knife – the one she’d always carefully hidden from her father. He must have known where it was all along.
‘Father, this is crazy. We can’t go in there with this. Even if we threaten them we could end up in jail. Remember what happened in Nevada?’
‘Shut up, Cora. I know what I’m doing. And I know what you’re doing. This is your mess and you’re going to fix it.’
‘What are you talking about?’ She was screaming now. She grabbed his arm to try to force him to turn the wheel. He shook it loose from her and smacked her hard against the head with the palm of his hand. He turned to face her, taking his eyes off the road. The truck veered wildly, nearly running onto the sidewalk as the front tire bounced off the curb. His eyes flashed and spittle dribbled from his mouth.
‘You do as I say. It’s him or you, do you hear me?’
She shrank back into the narrow space between the ripped vinyl seat and the door, cowering in fear. What was he planning? How had she brought this tragedy down onto her head?
And then the moment had come. They arrived at the apartment. He pulled in and ripped the bag out of her hands. Without a word, he got out of the truck, walked around back to the bed and lifted out a large coil of thin rope.
He flung the passenger door open.
Paralyzed, she couldn’t – she wouldn’t move. She’d have no part in this. There was still some chance she could escape, run away from her father, yell at Reed to get the hell out of there.
But he grabbed her roughly by the arm and yanked her out of the truck. He was strong and alcohol only made him stronger. He handed her the twisted circle of rope and leaned in close to her ear, his hot breath on her cheek.
‘You’ve brought shame on us, Cora. You’re a disgrace. Whatever happens here is your fault. You come with me now, or I can promise you your life won’t be worth living. You think they did something to you? Wait until you see what I’ll do.’
She had to ignore her fear of him. There was more at stake for her than a few bruises.
‘This is a bad idea, Father. If they arrest you, they’ll check your prints and match them against all those other … situations. You can’t go to jail. What will I do?’
‘That’s why I’m not going to do anything. You are.’
Cora felt her whole body go cold.
He pulled out the gloves and squeezed his fingers into them.
When she wouldn’t budge from her spot on the sidewalk, he drew his arm back, balling his hand into a tight fist. She winced and covered her face with her arms, terrified of it landing on her still-delicate flesh.
‘Come on,’ he said through clenched teeth.
She followed him, her feet like lead. Afraid to go forward, afraid to run. Maybe she could get control of things once they were inside. She had no choice but to keep letting him drag her forward. She had to think. She had to find a solution before events unfolded too quickly to stop.
Her father knocked on the door, but there was no answer.
Thank God, she thought. They usually came here every day, but maybe for once in her life things were in her favor. If she could have prayed in earnest, she would have been on her knees then and there. She counted silently in her head. One, two, three, four … at ten, her heart was surging. They were safe.
‘There’s no one here, Father. Let’s go. We’ll come back another time,’ she pleaded.
He didn’t look at her, just stared at the door, clenching and unclenching his fists as if willing himself passage.
‘Please. They didn’t come today.’ She pulled at his sleeve.
Then suddenly the door creaked opened. And Reed Lassiter stood smiling before them.
CHAPTER 28
Cora stood in the dark over the sleeping girl, gripping her knife. She’d been there too long already, willing herself on. Her hands trembled uncontrollably, but otherwise she couldn’t move.
She’d come here with a purpose, she reminded herself. She had to do it.
The girl rolled over onto her side, murmuring in her sleep, her face half-buried in the pillow. How Cora longed to stop up her red blooming flower of a mouth. To erase her entirely and forget this whole episode.
Yet the task had seemed easier from the other room.
She stood still for a minute more, screwing up her courage, but picturing the knife piercing that smooth pink flesh forced her mind back to that day in Stillwater. The raw grunt of pain as the knife plunged in. The metallic smell of blood as it congealed in thick, sticky pools on the floor. The shock in his eyes.
She shivered and thrust the switchblade back in her pocket, deploring her weakness.
She sighed. But what else could she do?
James would return soon and then what? What if he cast her out entirely now that the girl was giving him the child she never could?
Where would she go? How would she live?
Her two suitcases were buried at the edge of the farthest field, placed there as part of their original escape plan. They contained so little though – a few items of clothing and some canned food – only enough to keep her going for a week. Only he knew where the emergency funds were hidden.
She knew she must have faith that James would remember the Revelation in all its glorious detail. It was written that she was joined with him, their souls entwined for all eternity. She was the Wife. He would remember that, surely.
But the girl was beautiful, or rather, would be again if restored to health. She wasn’t stupid like the other one. That throwaway girl would never have satisfied James. She wouldn’t have lasted a day.
But this one.
Cora must make sure she understood her place. It was her only recourse.
She leaned in close to the dozing girl until their faces were mere inches apart. She held still a moment, listening to the girl’s even breathing, smelling her unwashed smell, feeling the faint heat coming off her body.
‘Wake up,’ she said suddenly.
The girl, startled out of sleep, bolted upright, and, seeing Cora, scuttled to the corner where the wall met the bed, bundling herself into a ball.
Cora flicked on the light.
‘Get into position,’ she snapped, determined to keep her under total control tonight.
The girl obeyed instantly. Though dazed, she lifted her arms beside her head and crossed her ankles.
‘I have something important to say to you,’ she began.
The girl nodded slightly, as if she weren’t sure whether such a gesture was permitted.
‘You and I, we are meant to bear what comes to pass. To do our duty.’ The girl’s face showed no expression, yet Cora could only imagine the condemnation brewing beneath it. This girl was always judging, always plotting and scheming. ‘Even now that the Revelation has gone wrong.’
‘Yes, it’s certainly all gone wrong,’ the girl agreed sullenly.
‘It’s my fault. I failed James. Because of my youthful transgressions, I could not give him a child. Do you see how we are punished for our sins – though
the dawn of restitution be long in coming, the punishment will arrive?’
The girl sniffed, her look suddenly steely.
‘My punishment has arrived.’
Cora ignored her impudence.
‘I know you judge me. I know what you think. My house was not supposed to be like this though. Everything was supposed to be different when we got the farm. We were to gather a new group of Followers here, to live in peace upon the land.’ Cora’s voice dropped as she let her mind slip back to that other time. ‘Instead the Followers never came and James became impatient. He said we must grow the Divine Family another way.’
At that, the girl began to whimper.
‘The Revelation came to him in the night. We would find a girl whose body was young and fertile. Through the mystery of the universe, the Divine Child would be ours.’
Cora clutched her own belly, there where her child’s heart had once beaten. It was too much for her. The Revelation seemed so different from the other side of it.
Suddenly overcome by the enormity of it all, she fell to her knees, clasped her hands together, and cast her eyes up to the ceiling. In that moment, she forgot her resolve, her anger, and even her exalted role.
‘If only I had not sinned, none of this would have come to pass.’
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw that the girl too had dropped to the floor, daring to defy Cora’s instructions. Cora couldn’t think about that. The girl crept closer to her, inching her way over, testing the waters. Cora let her do it. She was tired, worn out. Nothing mattered anymore.
The girl snaked her arm around Cora’s shoulders and stroked her face. Cora jerked back, but then let her continue. It was soothing. It felt good. No one had touched her with kindness in ages. She thought of Reed’s arms around her, his voice in her ear.
She’d been alone for so long.
The girl’s eyes shone bright with concern, but her look made Cora uneasy. She turned away from her, her glance sweeping the space instead.