by Alison Ryan
“Sure.” I started to slowly walk away but Aunt Shayla stopped me.
“Your momma needs to have a talk with you.” Aunt Shayla’s face was serious, “Y’all need to go over some things.”
I looked into the kitchen. My mother had her head on the table and was crying a kind of cry that can only come from either a lot of pain or a lot of alcohol.
“Does it have to be now?” I asked, “I just really want to go upstairs and shower. And fall asleep. And avoid that woman in the kitchen.”
Aunt Shayla shook her head, “You can avoid her but you can’t avoid the consequences of it, Addison McCurtis. There’s too much repression between the two of you. And there’s a lot you need to know. Your momma owes you that.”
This day was the worst roller coaster I had ever been on. It started with finding out there was an expiration date on my favorite person on the planet, followed by the most romantic evening of my life, followed again by whatever my mother was going to confess to me.
All my life I had wanted answers to things until I became afraid of knowing anything about my mother. She had conditioned me to fear the truth. Learning it now felt completely out of place. I wasn’t ready.
“Aunt Shayla, I’ve had enough of cold, hard reality today,” I said, “I never want to tell you no, but on this one I have to. You always love to quote Gone With the Wind. Well, tomorrow is another day. Whatever she needs to talk to me about can wait until then.” I started up the steps and then thought better of it, “I love you, Aunt Shayla. But a girl can only take so much.”
I was restless that night. I had tried to go to bed early in hopes of being well rested for a day at the lake the next day. But there was too much on my mind. I wondered if McKenna was still up.
I glanced at the clock on my nightstand. It was a little after eleven. I could at least just walk over and see if she was on her porch.
I slowly padded down the stairs. I thought everyone would be long asleep, but I could hear voices from the kitchen.
“Naomi, you can’t leave Addie. Not again. She’s sixteen now! Not a baby. The damage you would do to her would be irreparable.” My Aunt Shayla was heated.
My stomach dropped. My mother was abandoning me?
“Shayla, I’d be doing her a favor. I’m a complete fuck up. And once she knows what I did, she won’t want to speak to me ever again anyway.” I could hear her exhaling. She was smoking.
“Why don’t you give her a chance to decide that on her own?” Aunt Shayla scowled, “She’s a child! She needs her mother! Especially with what’s happening to yours. Can you think of anyone other than yourself? For once in your damn life?”
My mother shushed her, I guess afraid that Aunt Shayla’s raised voice would wake me.
“Believe it or not, I am thinking of her. Here she can have a normal life. She doesn’t have to deal with my inability to find happiness. Because you know I never will, right? I have to pay for what I did, for the rest of my life. And I can’t bear to be around her when she finds out. I can’t take it, Shayla. I can’t see her face crumble in disappointment or worse, in complete disgust. It’s enough for me to be around Momma. I can barely take that.” She was crying now, “Everyone will be much better off with me gone.”
Part of me wanted to make my presence known. So she could know I knew what her plan was. Another part of me wondered what she was so afraid for me to know. But the biggest part of me was that little girl who had missed her mother as a child. I would look out the window a lot, waiting for her to show back up. And even though life hadn’t been easy with her, I was still so grateful she had chosen to come back. I had tried my best to be a good kid so she would never be tempted to leave again. Now I felt like it hadn’t been enough somehow.
I turned around and slowly went back upstairs. Instead of going to my room I went into my mother’s. I couldn’t let her leave me again. I would sleep here tonight. Every night if I had to. It was too much to be left by Grandma, who couldn’t help it. Whatever she had done could be forgiven. I would tell her. I would tell her no matter what we said or did to each other, we could forgive. We had to. When all you have is each other, there’s no other choice.
17
The next morning I woke up in bed with my mother snoring next to me. Relieved, I decided to go downstairs and make us breakfast.
Grandma sat in the living room in her Barcalounger. It was the middle of June and she was bundled up in a thick terry cloth robe, Isotone slippers on her feet.
“Good morning, angel.” Her voice was soft.
“You okay, Grandma?” I asked. I knelt next to her, taking her hand.
“Just not feeling so good this morning,” she admitted, “A lot on my mind and all.”
I nodded, “There’s a lot to think about. Do you want to talk to me about it? You know I’d do anything for you.”
She smiled at me, putting her hand against my cheek, “Your presence is all I could ever need. It helps me more than you will ever know.”
We stayed there for a few moments just listening to the box fans turn and the birds chirrup outside. It looked like a beautiful day. Any other June we would have had big plans to go to the park and ride paddle boats or to the YMCA to swim, treading water while talking about whatever was on our minds. We’d have tomato sandwiches for lunch, éclair pie for something sweet, and maybe go to a steak house for dinner. We’d stop at a Blockbuster on our way home, rent a video and stay up late watching a romantic comedy. Grandma always let me pick and I almost always picked something that starred either Molly Ringwald or Julia Roberts. We’d eat popcorn and drink Pepsi and finally go to bed around midnight, happy and full, with no inkling of what the future held.
“Shayla told me Ryan Kidson came by last night.” My grandma finally spoke, “She said he took you out on a drive. How’d that go?”
I smiled, “It wasn’t the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.”
“Oh I bet it wasn’t.” Grandma suddenly sat up and seemed to be more herself for a moment, “Tell me everything.”
I laughed, “Well, he told me wanted to take me to his special spot. Somewhere he goes when he needs to clear his head. Grandma, it was the water tower. Over on the edge of town, the one that says ‘Rutledgeville: Home of the Raiders’ on it.”
“Angel, it’s the only water tower in town. He took you there? What’s there to do at a water tower?”
“We climbed up it! To the top!”
Grandma gasped and clutched her heart, “That sounds terrifying! I hope you were careful!”
I nodded, “It was scary but totally okay. And we just sat up there and talked about stuff and then we climbed back down and he brought me home.” I sighed, “I wish there was more to tell you. I wanted him to kiss me so badly.”
Grandma chuckled, “I can’t blame you. If I was a pretty teenage girl, I’d want someone like Ryan Kidson to kiss me too!”
As we laughed I could hear footsteps moving around upstairs. My mother was up. The memory of last night came back to me and I was nervous again.
“What’s wrong, Addison?” Grandma asked, “Your whole face just fell. Did something happen with your momma last night?”
I looked at Grandma, her face painted with concern. I didn’t want to put more on her than she had already. I shook my head.
“No, everything is okay. I came home and she was just in the kitchen talking to Aunt Shayla. I said goodnight and went to bed.”
Grandma gave me a look, but she didn’t press any further. Instead, she asked me, “So what are your plans for today?”
I shrugged, “Nothing. Ryan invited me to the lake with the girls but I think I’m going to stay home.” So my mother doesn’t have a chance to leave me.
Grandma looked at me like I had grown an extra eyeball, “And why would you do that? I hope it’s not on account of me. You will not waste one of the few teenage summers you have hanging out watching me do nothing. I’m fine, Addie. Life doesn’t stop just because I’m sick. I won’t allow
it.”
I didn’t say anything for a moment. I couldn’t tell her the real reason. And I had just gotten through telling her about my dreamy evening with Ryan Kidson. She knew I would kill to spend more time with him. I needed to talk to my mom. I could hear the shower running upstairs.
“Grandma, I don’t feel right spending time with friends and having fun. It just feels shitty to do it.” This was all true.
“Don’t be crass, Addison McCurtis,” Grandma pointed her finger at me, “You only get to be sixteen in the summer one time. Just once. The whole of a young life is measured in its summers. I will not let you squander an inch of it.”
I stood up, “Well, let me at least talk to mom and see how she’s holding up. Maybe y’all could do something together today? Did you have a good talk on the drive home from the hospital?”
Grandma was quiet. She turned the frayed edges of her robe’s belt over in her hand.
“It was that bad?” I asked.
“It was very hard,” Grandma confessed, “It was the hardest conversation I’ve ever had. And what’s worse, is the hard conversations will continue. As much as I am glad to know what’s ahead, it leaves a hole in my heart. I don’t want to leave any of you.”
“Then don’t.” I knelt in front of her again, “Fight this. Try, Grandma. Please.” My eyes fill with tears.
“Sweet, child. Don’t you know? I’ve been fighting this a long time. Almost two years. If it was about fighting it more, don’t you think I would? There are some things you just can’t beat. It pains me to say that to you. But remember, the cancer is fighting me too. And I just don’t have the strength anymore. I wish I did. I wish I wasn’t letting you down.”
I held her as we both cried, “You could never let me down. It’s just so unfair. You don’t deserve this, Grandma!”
Grandma pulled me back and wiped my tears with her knuckles, “None of us do, Addison. That’s what makes it so terrible.”
My mother came downstairs about half an hour later, her hair damp. She had on a long skirt and a tank top.
“You look lovely, Naomi.” My grandma sat at the kitchen table eating a soft boiled egg I had made her.
“Thanks, Momma.” Mom leaned over and kissed Grandma’s head. I stood against the counter with a mug of coffee. For the first time since we had gotten to Virginia, she came over and hugged me.
“Good morning, Addie.” She held me tight, “It was a surprise to see you in my bed last night. You haven’t done that in a couple years.”
“I missed you.” I wanted her to know. She couldn’t leave me if she knew I would miss her.
“Well.” Her voice quavered for a moment, “I’m not going anywhere. So no need to miss me.”
My heart swelled. It was all I needed to hear. But I wasn’t positive I could believe it.
“Naomi, Addie has been invited to the lake with her friends. Please encourage her to go. She seems to think because I’m sick she has to make herself miserable. And being that I get to have a summer of wishes, being that it’s my last one, I wish for her to have a fun summer day. As her momma, what’s your opinion?”
Mom smiled at me before turning around, “I think Addie is old enough to decide what she wants. But I do agree, Addie. A day out would be good for your mind and spirit. I promise, things will be okay here. Shayla is coming over later and I’m not going anywhere today.”
“You’re not?” I asked, skeptical.
“Nope.” Mom sat in the chair next to Grandma, “I’m going to spend the day with my mom. What do you say?”
Grandma reached out for Mom’s hand, “There’s very little I would love more than a day with my girl.”
It was like the news we’d gotten yesterday had changed my mother. I don’t know what they talked about in the drive home last night but something had shifted. But then why did my mother still want to leave all of us? There was the continuing feeling that something was happening around me that I didn’t know about.
“If you promise me you’ll be here when I get home, I’ll go.” I said.
My mother looked at me, “Where else would I be?”
“I don’t know. But promise me you’ll stay.” I looked her directly in the eyes. It was my way of telling her I had heard without Grandma needing to know what we were referring to.
Her eyes teared up, “I promise, Addie. I won’t leave. I swear.”
“Well, in that case, I guess I should find my swimsuit.” I looked at Grandma nervously, “You’ll be okay?”
Grandma nodded, “Get on outta here. Have some fun. Enjoy the day!”
I put a towel, sunscreen, and some extra clothes in a Jansport backpack and walked over to McKenna’s house. I could hear the stereo playing from her bedroom window when I was only half way down the path between our homes.
I knocked tentatively on the door. It took a couple of times before anyone heard me, but soon enough, Mr. Holt was there to let me in.
“Hey, Addison!” Mr. Holt was tall and gangly. He had a small circle of a bald spot right at the crown of his head. He was wearing a Tommy Bahama t-shirt and jean shorts. He couldn’t look more like a dad if he tried.
“Hey, Mr. Holt,” I said stepping past him into the foyer. I could see Mrs. Holt in the dining room typing on an electric typewriter.
“Hey, Addie!” she called to me, “How’s Grandma doing?”
It was too much to get into and I didn’t want to start the day off on a somber note so I just said, “She’s hanging in there. We brought her home last night.”
“Good!” she started typing again as she said, “McKenna is upstairs gettin’ gussied up. Y’all have some fun today!”
“We’ll try.” I wondered what kind of scene Mrs. Holt was writing right now. There was a bookcase in the foyer that was filled with books with bodice ripper covers, muscled men with long hair clinging to women who looked like they were fainting.
As I bounded upstairs the music got a whole lot louder. When I opened McKenna’s door I caught her dancing on her bed.
“Oh my gosh, thank God it’s you, I was about to yell at Daddy for not knocking!” she jumped off the bed and hugged me.
“Girl, you wouldn’t have heard anyone knock with this music up so loud,” I said, throwing my backpack on a chair in the corner, “What is this anyway?”
“Deana Carter!” McKenna walked over to her stereo and turned the volume down, “She’s a new country singer. I just got her album yesterday.”
“People sure love their country music here,” I observed sitting on the edge of her bed.
McKenna gave me a funny look, “Doesn’t everyone?”
I laughed, “Not as much as they do in Rutledgeville.”
McKenna continued to dance in front of the floor length mirror that hung on the back of her bedroom door. She was wearing a pink bikini that had strings that tied at her hips. There wasn’t a drop of cellulite on her, or a tan line to be seen. She was perfection and I immediately wished I had played sick. No girl wants to be in a bathing suit next to McKenna Holt.
“When’s Rhiannon getting here?” I asked.
McKenna gave me a sly smile, “She’s coming with Jackson. Kyle is picking you and I up with Ryan!”
I could feel the anxiety in my core. Ryan was on his way over. I wondered how he would be around me after last night. I looked at myself in the mirror over McKenna’s vanity. I could use improvement. Being around McKenna didn’t help my self-esteem much.
“What’s wrong?” McKenna asked, sitting next to me on the bed.
“I’m just nervous.” I confessed.
“About your grandma?” McKenna asked. I felt guilty because that wasn’t why I was nervous at all. And I really didn’t want to talk about it.
“No. She’s doing okay. I mean, she’s not doing great but that’s not why I’m nervous.”
“Well, why? Because of Ryan?”
I explained to her about what happened the night before. Her eyes got huge.
“Addie! That’s unbelie
vable. Ryan never takes anyone to the water tower. No one. Kyle has been with him like once. Because it’s technically on his family’s land and all. But Ryan is definitely a loner in that way. I don’t think he’s ever even taken Rachel.”
I smiled, “He said I was the first and only girl to go up there with him.”
McKenna squealed, “Oh my God! Addie, that’s crazy. So now you’re nervous? About seeing him again?”
I nodded, “A little. You know, I don’t know what to really expect.”
McKenna stood, “Well, you look great. So no worries on that. But I do want to remind you to try your best to keep your heart shut a bit with Ryan Kidson. Not because of you. I just know Ryan and I don’t want him to hurt you. Not that he would want to hurt you, I mean. I guess I’m not sure what I mean. Just be careful, okay? You have enough to deal with.”
“I’m trying, I promise,” I lied. I couldn’t shut my heart to Ryan Kidson. When it came to him, my heart was not just slightly ajar. It was wide open.
18
About twenty minutes after my pep talk from McKenna, the boys showed up. They were in Kyle’s Jeep Cherokee. It was red and the doors and top were off it. It was the perfect summer vehicle.
“So, is Kyle Joel rich or something?” I whispered to McKenna as we walked down the steps towards the Jeep.
“Kind of. I mean, for here. The Joels own half the town. Kyle is spoiled rotten but only in a redneck kind of way. Rich rednecks love Jeeps, trucks, beer, and guns. Not necessarily in that order.” McKenna gave a huge flirty grin to Kyle who was standing in the driver’s seat, whistling at us.
“Hey, ladies.” Kyle started howling at the moon like a wolf, “Y’all are killin’ me. Lookin’ so damn ripe!”
“Ripe?” I asked as Ryan walked over.
“It’s a good thing,” Ryan assured me, “How are you?”
He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and picked me up off the ground. I laughed and looked up. Our faces were less than an inch apart. He had the most gorgeous eyes. I was utterly and completely in heaven at that moment.