by Eva Blank
“Nah, he’s not so smart—he has a tell,” the friend replied. “Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail.”
What do you get when you cross a dog with an omelet?
Pooched eggs.
SPOTLIGHT
Full House
Full House is the story of Danny Tanner, a San Francisco broadcaster whose wife has died in a car accident, leaving him the single father of three young girls, D. J., Stephanie, and Michelle. Rather than raise them alone, Danny enlists the help of his wife’s brother, Jesse, an Elvis-impersonating, rock ’n’ roll–loving musician, and his friend Joey, a stand-up comedian who specializes in silly voices. Kimmy Gibbler, the Tanners’ over-the-top, talkative neighbor and D. J.’s best friend, is the goofiest character on the show. Full House’s comedic genius lies in the humor taken from everyday situations.
What do you get when you cross a sprinter with a dog?
The 100-yard Dachshund.
What do you get when you cross a dog with a journalist?
A Rover reporting.
What’s better than a talking dog?
A spelling bee.
Why did the Doberman marry the Golden Retriever?
He found her very fetching.
What do you get when you cross a dog with a soldier?
A pooper trooper.
One day, a busy butcher notices a dog in his shop and shoos it away. Later, he finds the dog has come back, and the butcher sees that the dog has a note in its mouth, which reads: “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please.” The butcher looks, and lo and behold, there’s a $10 bill in the dog’s mouth. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it’s closing time, he decides to close up shop and see where the dog goes.
The dog walks down the street and comes to a crosswalk. It puts down the bag, jumps up, and presses the crossing button. Then it waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the light to change. The dog walks across the road with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe. The dog checks out the bus times, and sits on one of the seats to wait. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to its seat.
Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number. It sees that it’s the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now completely flabbergasted, follows the dog onto the bus. The bus travels through town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and, standing on its hind legs, rings the bell to stop the bus. The dog gets off, the groceries still in its mouth, and the butcher continues to follow it.
They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. It walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then it walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws itself—whap!—against the door. It goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws itself—whap!—against the door again! There’s no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. It gets to a window, and bangs its head against it several times. It walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door and starts yelling at the dog. The butcher runs up and stops the guy. “What are you doing? This dog is a genius. It could be on TV, for Pete’s sake!” “Genius, my eye,” the man says. “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”
What do you get when you cross a bear with a skunk?
Winnie the Pee-yew!
BEHIND THE PUNCH LINE:
Shaggy-Dog Jokes
Shaggy-dog jokes are those overly long and annoying stories that make you groan because they’re full of meaningless details and absurd characters. In fact, most of the story has very little relation to the punch line. A good storyteller, though, can have people in stitches because the ending is often so stupid and unexpected. Shaggy-dog jokes get their name from an old long and pointless joke which was about a shaggy dog. Today, however, the stories can be about anything, as long as they are ridiculous and lengthy and told in a misleading way.
The Original Shaggy Dog? You Be the Judge
And now, for (a variation on) the original shaggy-dog story: A man was reading his newspaper one morning at breakfast. Halfway through it, he noticed a large ad set in bold type. It promised $5,000 to whoever could find the advertiser’s lost “shaggy dog” and return it to him in Timbuktu. The man didn’t pay much attention to it. Later that day, however, the man found a dog running down the street that matched the description in the newspaper. It was a large shaggy sheepdog, and it did in fact look a bit lost. So the man put it on a leash. He bought a plane ticket for himself and the dog, and flew all the way to Timbuktu. He found the address that had been advertised in the paper and rang the doorbell. An older man answered the door. “Look, sir,” the man with the dog said, “I’ve found your dog.”
“My dog was shaggy,” the man replied, “but not quite that shaggy.”
A wealthy businessman takes a trip to Africa and brings along his pet beagle. One day, the beagle decides to explore this new land and eventually finds himself lost. Wandering about, he notices a tiger heading quickly in his direction with the intent of having the beagle as a snack.
Worried, the beagle thinks, “Oh no, what am I going to do?” Just then he notices some bones on the ground close by, and being as clever as he is, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the tiger is about to pounce, the beagle says loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious tiger. I wonder if I can find another.”
Hearing this, the tiger stops himself and slinks away, terrified, into the trees.
“Whew,” says the tiger. “That was close. That beagle nearly had me.”
Meanwhile, a monkey who was watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the tiger. So he scurries off to go inform him. But the beagle sees the monkey heading after the tiger with great speed and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the tiger, spills the beans, and strikes a deal. The tiger is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, come along and see what I’m going to do to that conniving canine.”
Now the beagle sees the tiger coming with the monkey and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the clever beagle sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the beagle says: “Where’s that darn monkey? I sent him off a while ago to bring me another tiger.”
A professional duck hunter is in the market for a new bird dog. His search ends when he finds a dog that can actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, the hunter is sure none of his friends will ever believe him. First, he decides to try to tell one of his friends, an eternal pessimist who refuses to be impressed by anything.
So the man invites his friend to hunt with him and his new dog. As they wait by the shore, a few ducks fly by. They shoot, and a duck falls. The dog responds and jumps into the water. But the dog does not sink. Instead, he walks across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continues all day long; each time a duck falls, the dog walks across the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watches carefully, sees everything, but does not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asks his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”
“I sure did,” replies his friend. “He can’t swim.”
What happened to the cat when she swallowed a ball of wool?
She had mittens.
How do you make a puppy disappear?
Use Spot remover.
A dog with a bandaged foot limped into town one day. The sheriff approached the stranger and said: “What b
rings you to Dawson City?” The dog replied: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
What do you get when you put a kitten in a Xerox machine?
A copycat.
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a remote area in the country. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with her big, strong horse named Buddy. She hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move. Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t budge. Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing. Then the farmer casually said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” and the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most grateful and very curious. He asked the farmer why she had called her horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, “Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!”
What do cats call mice?
Delicious.
Why did the cat family move next door to the mouse family?
So they could have the neighbors for dinner.
What do you get when you put your kitten in the refrigerator?
The coolest cat in town.
What’s a cat’s favorite color?
Purrrrrple.
Bert has announced that he’s given up on trying to teach Kitty to come when he calls. He said he’s moved on to something much easier—teaching dogs to climb trees.
What do you call a pooch who wakes up too early in the morning?
A groggy doggie.
What do you do with a broken dog?
Get him fixed.
What do you get from an Alaskan cow?
Ice cream.
What’s fast, furry, and goes “foow, foow”?
A dog chasing a car that’s in reverse.
Where can you leave your dog while you shop?
In the barking lot.
What do cats drink on hot summer afternoons?
Miced tea.
What do you get when you cross a leopard with a dishwasher?
Spots on your dishes.
Why won’t banks allow kangaroos to open accounts?
Their checks always bounce.
A lion had to appear at the courthouse to prove he had been a good ruler of the animal kingdom. He was nervous about his first day in court, but his friends told him he’d be all right if he just focused on the questions the judge asked and answered them as best he could.
The lion dressed up in his very best suit, and got to court right on time. He smiled at the judge and was very polite. He was a little shocked when the judge asked him, “Are you a lion?”
“No, madam,” stammered the lion. “I swear, I’m telling the truth!”
A wildcat committed a horrible murder and then left the country. The police came upon the scene of the crime and were stumped. They found the paw prints and the broken lock, but were unable to catch the crook. How come?
They couldn’t find the missing lynx.
What do you call a grizzly bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
What do bears wear in their hair?
Bearettes.
What did the mother buffalo say to her son before he left?
“Bison.”
SPOTLIGHT
Candid Camera
This may be the show that invented “reality” television. Candid Camera’s comedic setup is simple: film people in staged situations where they don’t know they’re being recorded. It was inspired by a radio show from the 1940s—Candid Microphone—that was based on a similar concept. Candid Camera is famous for fooling celebrities and ordinary folks alike. One popular stunt involves an unsuspecting target getting onto an elevator with several other riders (Candid Camera actors). When these riders enter, they don’t turn and face the doors but instead face the back wall of the elevator. In time, the peer pressure gets to the target, and he or she turns I around, too! Smile, you’re on Candid Camera.
What did the mother kangaroo say when her baby was kidnapped?
“Somebody help me catch that pickpocket!”
A group of highway maintenance workers was sent to repair the road signs that some vandals had knocked over along a forested area. The first one they put back up was a MOOSE CROSSING sign.
As the workers moved to repair the next sign, one crew member looked back and spotted a moose running across the highway at the place they had just left. Turning to a coworker he said, “I wonder how long he’s been waiting to cross?”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Who.
Who who?
I didn’t know you were an owl!
Peter Rabbit was a very bad bunny. He never finished his carrots at dinner. He always hopped fences. And every day, he would sneak into a farmer’s field and steal a head of lettuce. Every day for three weeks in a row, the farmer checked his garden and found a big hole where a lettuce head used to be.
One night the farmer decided he would catch the culprit, so he hid in some bushes by the garden. At sunrise, the farmer saw Peter sneak into the vegetables and chew off a head of lettuce. He jumped out from his hiding place and ran after Peter Rabbit. They ran through fields and through dales and across miles and miles of meadows. At the end of a long and exhausting chase, the angry farmer cornered Peter in a pumpkin patch. Why did he let him go?
For Pete’s sake.
Boy: Why didn’t you pull a rabbit out of your hat?
Magician: Because I just washed my hare and I can’t get it to do anything now!
What do rabbits sing to each other once a year?
“Hoppy Birthday.”
What do you get when you cross a cow with a volcano?
Udder disaster.
Why couldn’t Noah catch many fish while he was on the Ark?
Because he had only two worms!
Why were all the mice in disguise?
They were attending a mousequerade party.
Why can’t you play cards in the jungle?
Because of the cheetahs.
What do you call it when a bull swallows a stick of dynamite?
A-bomb-in-a-bull.
How does a mouse feel after it takes a bath?
Squeaky clean.
What’s a mouse’s least favorite sound?
The hiss of death.
Where do baby calves go for lunch?
The calf-eteria.
Why wouldn’t the girl mouse move in with the boy mouse?
Because his house was such a hole in the wall.
What do you get when you cross a porcupine with a baby goat?
One stuck-up kid!
A woman opens her front door one morning to find a snail sitting on her doorstep. She swings her leg back and kicks the snail all the way down the walkway in front of her house. Two years later, the doorbell rings. When the woman answers the door, she looks down and there is the snail, who asks, “What was that all about?”
Why did the farmer give the horse a hammer at bedtime?
Because he wanted the horse to hit the hay.
What goes trot-dash-trot-dash-dash?
Horse code.
Why do zebras have black and white stripes?
So they can referee football games.
What kind of horse makes you wake up scared?
A nightmare.
Why don’t rabbits have black and white stripes?
Why on earth would a rabbit want to referee a football game?
Why did the chimp sell his banana store?
He was tired of all the monkey business.
Why wouldn’t the pet store take back the chimp?
They didn’t offer a monkey-back guarantee.
What dog loves to have its fur washed?
A shampoodle.
What do you call a crate of ducks?
A box of quackers.
Did you ever wonder if …
… milk comes out of a cow’s nose when it laughs?
What does a Dalmatian say after eating a particularly savory bo
wl of dog food?
“Oh yeah, that definitely hits the spots.”
What’s the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?
Use a cow-culator.
A camel, a giraffe, a donkey, and a pig all went to an audition at a comedy club. The camel went on first. He did an impersonation of a llama, told ten jokes, and then left the stage. The judges all laughed. Then the giraffe came out. First the giraffe cleared her throat, which took a little while. Then the giraffe did a headstand and told a few tall tales. The judges found her so funny that they asked her to come back the next day. The donkey went on stage next. The donkey had a really zany act, and the judges got a kick out of it. Finally, the pig stood at the microphone. He told a really, really, really, long shaggy-dog story about a circus dog. The joke was so long that it took the pig two hours to tell it. The judges were so upset that they threw the pig out of the club.
Why didn’t the judges like the pig?
The pig was a real boar.
What should you do when you’re serving a camel tea?
Ask him if he’d like one hump or two.
What do you call a really good camel joke?
A hump-dinger.
A woman walks into a bar with a giraffe. The woman goes over to the bar to order a drink while the giraffe lies down. The bartender says to the woman, “Hey, you can’t leave that lyin’ on the floor!” The woman answers, “It’s not a lion.”
What do you get when you cross a sheep with a kung fu master?
Lamb chops.
Why do kings have royal seals?
Because royal walruses eat too much.
What did the sheep say to his fiancée?
“There’s something I have to tell you: I love ewe.”
What do you call a sheep farm with only rams?
Ewes-less.
How do you toast a sheep?
“Here’s to ewe.”
Where did the sheep go after high school?
Ewe-niversity.
What do you call a lamb who does aerobics?
Sheep shape.