by Eva Blank
The clerk scratches his head. “Let me think. Aha! Try this bell. You hang it over the mirror. The parrot will climb the ladder, look in the mirror, ring the bell, and then he will surely talk to you!”
“All right, I’ll give it a try,” says the lady. And she buys the bell and takes it home. The next day the same lady comes back to the pet shop, and she is very distressed.
“What’s wrong?” asks the clerk.
“My parrot … well, he died,” she answers quietly.
“Oh my gosh! I’m so sorry for your loss!” exclaims the clerk. “But I have to ask you, did the parrot ever say anything to you?”
“Oh yes, he said one thing, right before he died,” she replies.
“Well, what did he say?” asks the clerk.
The lady replies, “He said, ‘Doesn’t that store carry any food?’”
Why was the bird arrested?
He was a robin.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
To show he wasn’t a chicken.
A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of lipstick. The cashier says, “That’ll be $1.49,” and the duck replies, “Just put it on my bill.”
What should you do when someone throws a goose at you?
Duck.
What do you say when someone throws a duck at a duck?
“Duck, duck!”
What do you say when someone throws a goose at a duck?
“Duck, duck, goose!”
A magician has been working on a cruise ship doing the same act for many years. The audiences like him, and they change often enough that he doesn’t have to worry about finding new tricks. But the captain’s parrot sits in the back row and watches him night after night, year after year. After a while, the parrot figures out how the tricks work and starts giving the secrets away to the audiences. When the magician makes a bouquet of flowers disappear, for instance, the parrot squawks, “Behind his back! Behind his back!” Well, the magician gets really annoyed at this, but he doesn’t know what to do, since the parrot belongs to the captain. One day, the ship springs a leak and sinks. The magician manages to grab hold of a plank of wood and floats on it. The parrot flies over and sits on the other end. They drift and drift for three days without speaking. On the morning of the fourth day, the parrot looks over at the magician and says, “Okay, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?”
Why wouldn’t anybody go to the duck doctor?
They all knew he was a quack.
Why can’t you play hide-and-seek with poultry in a Chinese restaurant?
Because of the Peking duck.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
BEHIND THE PUNCH LINE:
Slapstick
Slapstick comedy is just the opposite of stand-up comedy. It’s comedy where the comedian doesn’t stand up, but falls down! The name “slapstick” comes from a kind of wooden stick used by clowns to hit each other on stage. The slapstick was split down the middle and designed to make a very loud, funny, slapping noise without inflicting any damage on the recipient of the blow. During the nineteenth century, a little bit of gunpowder was plugged into the crack in the stick to make the slaps even more explosive.
Slapstick comedy is very physical and it’s hard work. Whether he’s getting slapped in the face, poked in the eye, or hit with a pie, the slapstick comic is the victim—or perpetrator—of an endless series of gags and practical jokes. Jim Carrey is an excellent example of a slapstick comedian. He makes faces, contorts his body, and does stunts and pratfalls (a staged fall—carefully done so the comedian doesn’t get hurt), all in the name of comedy.
What has wings, feathers, and fangs?
Count Duckula.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get the New York Times.
Get it?
No.
Neither do I. I get USA Today.
What do you get when a chicken lays eggs on top of a hill?
Eggrolls.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
She thought it would be egg-citing.
THE WORLD’S OLDEST JOKE:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Why did the chicken cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Why did the chicken cross the amusement park?
To get to the other ride.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fouls.
Why did the daredevil cross the road?
She wanted to play chicken.
Why did the chicken bounce across the road?
It was a rubber chicken.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
She wanted to stretch her legs.
Why did the muddy chicken cross the road and then cross back?
He was a dirty double-crosser.
Akemi got a parrot for her birthday. This parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every other word was naughty or rude. Akemi tried very hard to change the bird’s manners. She would always say polite words, play soft music, anything she could think of to try to set a good example, but nothing worked. Akemi was getting really frustrated. She yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. She shook the bird, and the bird got angrier and ruder. One day, Akemi felt so desperate that she put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments she heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming, and then suddenly everything was quiet. She was frightened that she might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out on to her arm and said: “I’m sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and I ask for your forgiveness. I will try to correct my behavior.” Akemi was amazed at the great change in the bird and was about to ask what had caused it when the parrot continued: “May I ask what the chicken did?”
What did they call the canary that flew into the dessert?
Tweety pie.
Three birds walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.
Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep.
What do you call it when a chicken stumbles as it crosses the street?
A road trip.
How do birds dance?
Chick to chick.
SPOTLIGHT
Mindy Kaling
Named after one of the title characters of the classic TV sitcom Mork and Mindy, Mindy Kaling (born Vera Mindy Chokalingam) was clearly destined for comedy. Inspired by the only American show on TV in Nigeria at the time she was pregnant, and having already decided to move to the States, Mindy’s mother wanted Mindy to have a cute American name.
While attending Dartmouth College, Kaling practiced her comedic timing with the improvisational comedy troupe the Dog Day Players. She also created the comic strip Badly Drawn Girl, which was featured in the Dartmouth (the college’s daily newspaper), and was a writer for the Dartmouth Jack-O-Lantern (the college’s humor magazine).
In 2003, after graduating, she portrayed Ben Affleck in a play titled Matt & Ben, which she cowrote with her friend Brenda Withers. The play was named one of Time magazine’s “Top Ten Theatrical Events of the Year.” The play helped her land her most recognizable role, as the superficial, seemingly dim-witted Kelly Kapoor on NBC’s hit show The Office. Not only did she star in the show, but she also wrote some of its episodes and was a coexecutive producer. Mindy’s film career is also on the rise and she has appeared in a few blockbuster hits. Her first movie role was in Office castmate Steve Carell’s The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005). She also appeared in the 2011 romantic comedy No Strings Attached with Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher, as well as the 2012 comedy The Five-Year Engagement with Jason Segel. And in 2012, Mindy developed her own television show, The Mindy Project, which she stars in, writes, and produces.
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As a writer, producer, and actor, it is clear that Mindy can truly do it all.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with chewing gum?
Chicklets.
ROOSTER: Wow, did you hear the voice on that little chick?
HEN: That’s what you call beginner’s cluck.
What do chickens do when they’re in love?
They give each other pecks.
Why was the chicken team so bad at baseball?
They kept hitting fowl balls.
Why was the little boy afraid of the turkey?
He heard it was a gobblin’.
Why didn’t the turkey finish his dinner?
He was already stuffed.
What do you get when you put a bird in the freezer?
A brrrd.
A police officer sees a man driving by with a bunch of penguins in the backseat. The officer pulls the man over and asks, “Where did you get those penguins?”
The man replies, “I found them wandering on the side of the road.”
“Well, you should take them to the zoo,” the cop says.
The next day the police officer sees the same man drive by, with the penguins still in his backseat. Once again he pulls the car over, and he says, “I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!”
“I did,” the man replies. “Today, I’m taking them to the beach.”
What did the owl do when she got fired?
Nothing. She didn’t give a hoot.
Why do hummingbirds hum?
Because they don’t know the words!
A little boy goes into a pet store and asks the store owner for some bird seed. The owner asks, “How many birds do you have?”
The boy replies, “None yet. I need the seeds to grow them!”
What do you give a sick bird?
Tweetment.
Which bird is always out of breath?
The puffin.
What bird steals soap from the bathtub?
Robber ducks.
What’s the name of the bestselling biography of 400 famous owls?
Who’s Who.
Why wouldn’t the canary pay for his date’s dinner?
He was too cheep.
Why is a sofa like a roasted turkey?
Because they’re both filled with stuffing.
SOUNDS FISHY TO ME
It’ll Hook You Right Away
What kind of hair does the ocean have?
Wavy.
What did the ocean say to the shore?
“Glad to sea you!”
Why do oceans never go out of style?
They’re always current.
Why do fish swim in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Mike went fishing one day, but at the end he had not caught a single fish. On the way back home, he stopped at a fish store.
“I want to buy three trout, please,” he said to the owner. “But instead of putting them in a bag, can you throw them to me?”
“Throw them? Why do you want me to do that?” the owner asked.
Mike replied, “So I can tell everyone that I caught three fish!”
Why do fish like worms?
Because they’re hooked on them.
When is fishing not a good way to relax?
When you’re the worm.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
What kind of fish goes with peanut butter?
Jellyfish!
What day does a fish hate the most?
Fryday!
What do you get when you mix a fish and an elephant?
Swimming trunks.
SPOTLIGHT
Tina Fey
Tina Fey’s incredible comedic career began with the improvisational comedy troupe the Second City in Chicago. It was there that she auditioned for the team behind Saturday Night Live and she was hired as a writer. Her success behind the scenes was so great that she went on to become the first-ever female head writer of SNL, eventually earning a starring role as the coanchor of the popular “Weekend Update” segment, first with Jimmy Fallon and later with Amy Poehler. What is probably her most famous role on SNL came years later, when she did a satirical impersonation of Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin.
In 2004, she adapted the screenplay Mean Girls from the nonfiction book Queen Bees and Wannabes by Rosalind Wiseman. Fey also starred in the smash hit as a quirky, wannabe-hip math teacher. In 2006, she created the hit sitcom 30 Rock, which is loosely based on her experiences behind the scenes at SNL. She would also ! go on to star in other movies, including Baby Mama (2008), where she plays a single businesswoman who discovers she can’t get pregnant and enlists an unlikely choice (SNL costar Amy Poehler) to be her surrogate; and Date Night (2010), where she and costar Steve Carell play a couple pretending to be a different couple in order to have a glamorous night out, only to have the night turn into something more thrilling and dangerous.
Fey is a critically acclaimed writer and actress who has won several Emmy Awards, Golden Globe Awards, Screen Actors Guild Awards, and Writers Guild of America Awards. Though she considered herself a “supernerd” in high school and college, we consider her supertalented.
BEHIND THE PUNCH LINE:
Stand-Up Comedy
Imagine how much fun it would be to get paid just for being funny! Well, stand-up comics are professional comedians who do just that. Stand-up comedy is exactly what it sounds like—someone stands up in front of other people and tries to make them laugh. Stand-up comedians prepare a series of jokes, skits, and wisecracks for their routines. Often, they will also impersonate, or mimic, famous people. Comedians typically open a show with a monologue, a long solo speech. A monologue often consists of a string of jokes on one topic with no break in between. Most comedians perform in comedy clubs, which are theaters or nightclubs that hire comedians to entertain people.
What is a shark’s favorite game?
Swallow the leader.
What do you call a fish’s date?
His gill-friend.
What did the ocean say to the shore?
Nothing, it just waved.
What do you call a fish that can do magic?
Marlin the Magnificent.
Many years ago, a woman gave birth to twin sons. She and her husband, a fisherman, loved their children very much, but couldn’t think of what to name them. Finally, after a few days, the husband said, “Let’s not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply come to us.”
After several weeks had passed, the couple noticed something peculiar. When left alone, one of the boys would always turn toward the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn’t matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. “Let’s call the boys Toward and Away,” suggested the woman. Her husband agreed, and from that point on, the boys were known simply as Toward and Away.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, “Boys, it is time that you learn how to make a living from the sea.” The three of them filled their ship with supplies, said their good-byes, and set sail for a three-month voyage. The three months passed quickly for the woman, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.
Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking toward her house. She recognized him as her husband. “My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?” she cried. The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: “We were just barely one whole day out to sea when Toward hooked into a great fish. Toward fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Toward was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again.”
“Oh
dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must have been!” said the woman.
“Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away!”
What do you call a boat’s date?
Her buoy-friend.
A fish needed surgery, but didn’t know if he’d be able to pay for it. He met with the doctor to talk about how much it would cost. “Don’t worry at all,” said the doctor. “I’ll give you a discount on the price. I admire and respect your cousin, so I am honored to be taking care of his family. He is, beyond any doubt, an excellent sturgeon.”
Two friends decided to go on a fishing trip. They rented all the necessary equipment: the rods, the reels, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spent a fortune.
The first day they went fishing, they had no luck and didn’t catch anything. The same thing happened on the next day, and the next. This continued each day until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men caught a fish.
As they drove home, they became really depressed. One of the friends turned to the other and said, “Do you realize that catching this one lousy fish cost us almost a thousand dollars?”
The other friend replied, “Wow. I guess it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”
CLASSY JOKES
Classroom Distractions
TEACHER: James, do you use bad words?
JAMES: No, sir.
TEACHER: Do you disobey your parents?
JAMES: No, sir.
TEACHER: Come now, you must do something wrong every once in a while!
JAMES: I tell lies.
TEACHER: Mrs. Jones, I asked you to come in to discuss Johnny’s appearance.
MRS. JONES: Why? What’s wrong with his appearance?
TEACHER: He hasn’t made one in this classroom since September.
PRACTICAL JOKES
Freak out your parents!
Tape the sprayer on your kitchen sink into the “on” position late at night. The first person to turn on the water in the morning will get soaked. (Just make sure it’s not you!!!)