by Eva Blank
The second friend said, “What are you talking about? Try a software store!”
SPOTLIGHT
Steve Carell
Life magazine once celebrated Steve Carell as the funniest man alive. He got his comedic start at Denison University as a member of the student-run improvisational comedy troupe Burpee’s Seedy Theatrical Company. After graduating, he joined the Chicago improv troupe the Second City and later became a cast member on The Dana Carvey Show. Along with fellow cast member Stephen Colbert, Carell was the voice of Gary, one half of “the Ambiguously Gay Duo.” The sketch was later picked up by Saturday Night Live (SNL) and is credited with forging Carell’s career. Carell also appeared on The Daily Show from 1999 to 2005, with a number of regular segments including “Even Stephen” with Stephen Colbert.
His breakout movie role came in 2004, when he played Brick Tamland, a member of Ron Burgundy’s news crew, in Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. In 2005, Carell signed a deal with NBC to star in The Office, a mockumentary of office life. His role as Dunder Mifflin boss Michael Scott would become his most recognizable role and won him a Golden Globe Award for Best Actor in a Television Comedy Series in 2006. His uncanny ability to make even the most awkward situations funny propelled the show’s popularity. His character left the show in 2011.
Not only did Carell star in a hit TV show for seven years, but he also found time to film several box office hits during that same time. His starring roles included The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005), Little Miss Sunshine (2006), Get Smart (2008), and Crazy, Stupid Love (2011). He has also lent his voice to several animated movies, including Over the Hedge (2006), Horton Hears a Who! (2008), Despicable Me (2010), and Despicable Me 2 (2013). Steve Carell is a comedian in the classic sense of the word—quite simply, he knows how to make people laugh.
How do you keep a fool busy all day?
Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner!
A recent computer science graduate starts his new job at a giant computer company. He’s shocked when the manager tells him that his first job will be to sweep the floor. He protests, “But I can’t do that, I’m a graduate of the Super-Duper-High-Tech Institute of Technology!” The manager pauses and thinks for a second. “Well,” she says, “then your first task will be to learn how to use a broom!”
Why did the mother always put on a helmet before she used the computer?
Because she was afraid it would crash!
How do you know when your computer has the Disney virus?
Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
A computer rolled into a bakery and went up to the counter. There were doughnuts and muffins and pastries, but the computer pointed at a plate of cookies. “Hello,” it said in an electronic voice.
Astonished, the counter person replied, “Wow, we don’t get too many computers in this store. Do you want some of these cookies?”
“Well,” said the computer, “I might. Could you tell me how many bites are in each one?”
“I’m sorry,” said the counter person. “There aren’t any bytes in these cookies, just chips.”
Why was the computer so tired when it got home from the office?
Because it had a hard drive.
What’s the fastest way to crash a computer?
Let an adult use it.
A frustrated customer calls tech support with a very tricky problem. She cannot print blue. All the other colors print fine, except blue, which is very unusual.
The tech support person on the other end tries everything he can think of to help the customer. He asks her to reinstall the program, to reboot the computer, to turn the printer on and off. None of it helps.
Finally, after hours of troubleshooting, he asks the customer if he can come by and try to resolve the problem in person. When he finally gets to her house and she shows him her computer and the printer, he instantly understands what the problem is and tells her, “From now on, print on white paper instead of blue!”
Why were there jumper cables hooked up to Betty’s computer?
She asked her dad to restart it.
What do you get when you cross Dracula with Microsoft Word?
A word count.
THE MAKING OF A COMEDIAN
Step 3: Uniquely You
Jokes are often based on the most humdrum items and everyday occurrences. Who would have thought a banana was funny until someone invented the slippery peel stunt or stuck one in his ear for the first time? Old-time comedian Charlie Chaplin could make anything hilarious—even a department store escalator. He had a genius for making the average person in the average situation look hysterically funny. As he said, “There is no mystery connected with ‘making people laugh.’ All I have ever done is to keep my eyes open and brain alert for any facts or incidents that I could use.”
So look around you and think about the silly possibilities in life.
How can you tell a good computer programmer from a bad computer programmer?
The good one always comes through when the chips are down.
What did the computer keyboard say to the typist?
“You’re really pushing my buttons!”
Why did the man take his computer to a clinic?
It had a virus.
Why was the disk drive so rich?
It was good at saving.
How was the computer convention?
Crowded. You couldn’t get a nerd in edgewise.
Jimmy was explaining to his dad the kind of computer he wanted. “First we’ll discuss hardware, and then we’ll talk about the software I need.”
“Wait a minute,” said Jimmy’s dad. “How is hardware different from software?”
Jimmy just shook his head and said, “Hardware is the part of a computer that you can kick.”
Did you hear about the computer with the corrupt hard drive?
Its backup was worse than its byte.
What do computers eat when they get hungry?
Chips.
How?
They take mega-bytes!
Why didn’t the computer go to the prom?
She didn’t have a data.
What do you call a computer that only types in uppercase?
SHIFTY.
Why did the IBM and the Apple computers get a divorce?
They weren’t compatible.
How are computers like spies?
They both work in code.
Who does a baby computer cry for when she’s upset?
Her motherboard.
Where are delinquent disk drives sent?
To boot camp.
How did the computer feel after its memory had been upgraded?
Chipper.
How did the computers buy a new car?
They all chipped in.
What do you get when you cross a bunny rabbit with the World Wide Web?
A hare net.
How do you compare the speeds of two computers?
Push them off the top of a building at the same time and see which one hits the ground first.
Why did the computer get glasses?
To improve its websight.
Why did the woman attach her computer to a fishing rod?
Someone told her to hook it up.
How do you keep a nerd in suspense?
I’ll tell you later!
A repair technician got a call from a computer user. The user told her that his computer was not working. He described the problems he was having, and the technician told him that his computer needed to be serviced. She told him, “Unplug the power cord and bring it here to get fixed.” Later on, the man showed up at the repair shop with the power cord in his hand.
How are computers like school hallways?
They both have monitors.
Why did the disk drive become a professional goalie?
It kept making great saves.
Why did the microprocessor always write form letters?
It was an impersonal computer.
&nb
sp; How do you find a spider on the Internet?
Check out his website.
Why shouldn’t you take your computer into rush-hour traffic?
Because it might crash.
PRACTICAL JOKE
Try out these greetings next time you answer the phone:
“[Your name]’s Pizza! I’m the guy if you want pie!”
“Pet’s Vets! There’s no business like monkey business!”
“Hello, Disco Cat, the place for glitter and litter!”
“Whine Cellar! We love to complain!”
(In a whisper) “Institute for Overly Sensitive Eardrums.”
How can you tell when a fairy has been using your computer?
Pixel dust.
The queen was having problems retrieving a document from her computer. She called all her ministers into the throne room and asked them what she should do. They went away and debated for hours and hours. Finally, the ministers came up with a solution and dispatched messengers to all four points of the kingdom. These gathered every citizen they could find and brought them all to the castle. The proud ministers made all the women, men, children, and babes in arms stand in a long line and presented them to the queen. “What is the meaning of this?” the irate monarch demanded. “Why,” her chief minister responded, “we thought you were looking for a single file!”
Why did the geek turn on his computer on a hot day?
He wanted to open the Windows.
Why did the computer geek take up photography?
He wanted his own dorkroom.
Why did the boy give his teacher a PC?
The store was out of Apples.
What did the mouse say to the webcam?
Cheese!
What part of the keyboard do astronauts like best?
The space bar.
One afternoon, while Howard was watching over the main computer lab, he noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed, staring blankly at the screen.
Fifteen minutes later, he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. Finally, he approached her and asked if she needed help.
“Well, it’s about time!” she said angrily. “I pressed the F1 button for help at least 20 minutes ago!”
‘SNOT FUNNY
Eeew, Gross!
What’s the magic word for getting rid of scabs?
Scabracadabra!
Does it work?
Scabsolutely!
What’s black and white and flat?
A panda that’s been run over.
What’s black and white and red all over?
A newspaper.
What else is black and white and red all over?
A zebra with a sunburn.
What were the little snots afraid of when they went to bed?
The booger man.
A man heard his friend was in the hospital but didn’t know what had happened to him, or even which room to visit. So he went to the hospital and politely waited at the desk. When the nurse looked up, he gave his friend’s name and asked for the room number. “Room 105, 106, 107, and 108,” she replied, and went back to her paperwork.
“I don’t understand,” the man stammered. “Which one is it?”
“All of them,” the nurse said. “He got run over by a steamroller.”
What’s black and white and green and black and white?
Two zebras fighting over a pickle.
What’s red and green and goes 80 miles an hour?
A frog in a blender.
One day a lady walked into the doctor’s office. She said, “Doctor, I have a farting problem. I fart all the time. They don’t smell, and they’re silent. They don’t even bother me! In fact, I have farted 20 times since I entered the room, and you didn’t even know! Do you have a diagnosis?”
The doctor gave the lady some pills and sent her on her way. The lady came back to the doctor’s office a week later and said, “Doctor! What pills did you give me? Now, when I fart, they stink!”
The doctor replied, “Great, now that we’ve got your sinuses cleared up, let’s work on your hearing.”
PRACTICAL JOKE
Scare your babysitter:
Find a big Band-Aid. Put ketchup on it and put it on yourself. Then tell the babysitter you cut yourself with a knife and were bleeding a lot, but you put a bandage on and are OK now. Then pretend to pass out.
A farmer went out to the barn to milk his cow early in the morning. He was milking away quietly and had the bucket almost half full when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow’s ear. The farmer didn’t think much about it until the bug squirted out into his bucket. Looks like it went in one ear and out the udder.
What do you get when you grill a Barbie doll?
A Barbieque.
A very pretty lady is sitting in an expensive restaurant one evening. She is waiting for her date, and wants to be sure everything is perfect. She decides to check how her hair looks. As she bends over in her chair to get a mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just when the waiter is walking up. She sits up, horribly embarrassed and red in the face, sure that everyone in the restaurant has heard the fart. She tries to blame it on the waiter, and turns to him and orders, “Stop that!” The waiter looks at her calmly and replies, “Sure, lady. Where was it headed?”
What’s green and blue and yellow and black?
A burnt peacock.
A teacher tells her second-grade class that she is going to teach them a new word today. She tells them that the word is definitely and its meaning is “that something is without a doubt.”
She then asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with definitely in it. She sees little Kelly, who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself, and asks for her sentence.
Kelly stands up and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”
The teacher replies to her, “Well, that’s a good sentence, but sometimes the sky is cloudy or gray, so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?”
David’s hand flies up and she calls on him. David answers, “Water is definitely clear.”
“Well, David, while that’s a good sentence, sometimes water is muddy or cloudy, so it’s not definitely clear. Anyone else?”
Finally, looking very unsure, little Billy slowly raises his hand.
“Yes, Billy?” asks the teacher.
“Can I ask a question, teacher?” Billy replies.
“Yes, of course.”
“Do farts have lumps?”
“No. Why do you ask?”
“Because if they don’t, then I’ve definitely pooped in my pants.”
What is brown and sticky?
A stick.
SPOTLIGHT
Ben Stiller
Ben Stiller has comedy in his blood—he is the son of two famous comedians, husband-and-wife comedy team Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara. Stiller grew up in Hollywood, shooting home movies with a Super 8 camera when not producing plays with his sister, Amy. Ben began his showbiz career as a comedian, and he has also made a name for himself in Hollywood as an actor, writer, producer, and director. He started climbing the ladder when, as a young man, he wrote and produced his own sketch-comedy television show, The Ben Stiller Show, for MTV, which launched his career and won him several awards. He later directed and starred in the film Reality Bites (1994).
Since then, Stiller has played a handsome but dumb supermodel in Zoolander (2001), a police detective in the comedy Starsky & Hutch (2004), and a museum security guard who discovers that the exhibits come to life when no one else is around in Night at the Museum (2006) and Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian (2009). He also gives voice to Alex the lion in the Madagascar series of animated films, which tell the story of a crew of zoo animals who learn how to survive in the wild.
Stiller’s comic genius lies in his ability to create very realistic characters who fin
d themselves in very funny situations. Despite his success in comedy, Stiller says, “I’ve never really felt like a funny, funny guy. I’ve never been Mr. Life of the Party.” Clearly, juggling five professions makes you very humble!
BEHIND THE PUNCH LINE:
Impersonations
Have you ever heard someone with a funny voice on TV or in a movie, and then tried to mimic his or her voice? That’s an impersonation. A comedian who is really talented at impersonations can often imitate not only someone’s voice, but their gestures, their mannerisms, and even their clothing style down to the last detail.
Comedians who do impersonations aren’t trying to fool their audiences into believing that they actually are someone else, as an actor in a film might. It’s more important to exaggerate things that make the other person so recognizable—a squeaky voice, hair twirling, or a prop like a cane or a doll—than to nail the person’s character exactly. It also helps to pick someone who is very famous, so the audience will be sure to get the joke. If the audience is just family, try to get a bigger laugh by imitating your big sister on the phone with her boyfriend or your mom talking to a client.
Many famous comedians have made careers out of their ability to impersonate others. Most skits on Saturday Night Live and other sketch comedy shows feature players who create characters based on real people. Try it—you’ll like it!
Chuck goes in to his doctor and says, “Doctor, I’m a little embarrassed to talk about this, but I seem to be barfing a lot.”
The doctor says, “Well, I’m glad you feel you can bring this up, Chuck.”
Why was the car smelly?
It had too much gas.
What animal is always getting food poisoning?
The yak.
Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh.
What do you get when you cross a mouth with a tornado?
A tongue twister.
It was a beautiful summer in Switzerland, and all the Swiss cows were enjoying excellent grass crops. There was more than enough grass to go around, and all through the rivers and dells, you could hear the cows mooing with happiness. But sometime in late July, there arrived a band of roughhousing moose who muscled the cows out of the way and began eating more grass than was seemingly possible. Then, just when it looked like things couldn’t get worse, the moose started to throw up all over the place, nauseated from their grassy feasting. For the rest of the summer, the farmers could be heard complaining that “the hills are alive with the sounds of moose sick!”