by Eva Blank
You hear the broom boom.
Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball?
It was his bat.
What do you call an overweight pumpkin?
A plumpkin.
What do you get when you cross a monster with a cat?
A mew-tation.
How do mummies hide?
They wear masking tape.
What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
Where does Count Dracula wash his hair?
In the bat tub.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ivanna.
Ivanna who?
Ivanna suck your blood.
Why did the vampire’s girlfriend dump him?
The relationship was too draining.
Why did Count Dracula see his doctor?
He was always coffin.
Why did the vampire run screaming out of the restaurant?
He found out it was a stake house.
What do you call a bloodthirsty Philadelphian?
A Pennsylvanian Transylvanian.
Where do you store a werewolf?
In a were-house.
What does a ghost eat for lunch?
A boo-logna sandwich.
What kind of fur do you get from a werewolf?
As fur away as possible.
What should you do when you find a ghost in your living room?
Offer him a sheet.
What should you do with overweight ghosts?
Exorcize them.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?
How do ghosts get to school in the morning?
They take a ghoul bus.
PATIENT: Doctor, you have to help me!
DOCTOR: What’s wrong?
PATIENT: Every night I dream about terrible monsters under my bed. What should I do?
DOCTOR: Saw the legs off your bed.
SALLY: A monster bit my arm!
JAKE: Which one?
SALLY: I’m not sure. All those monsters look the same to me!
How does a monster count to 142?
On its fingers.
What do you call a witch who loves the beach but won’t go in the water?
A chicken sand-witch.
What do you do with a green monster?
Wait until he ripens.
What do you do with a blue monster?
Try to cheer him up.
Why don’t monsters eat clowns?
They taste funny.
What do ghost babies wear on their feet?
Boo-tees!
What has a broom and flies?
A jelly-covered janitor.
Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
Why wasn’t the girl afraid of the monster?
It was a man-eating monster.
What do you call a giant monster who lives in the ocean and makes loud noises when he drinks?
A sea slurpant.
What giant monster lives in the mountains and hems men’s suits?
The abominable sew-man.
Why don’t abominable snowmen ever marry?
They always get cold feet.
We dare you to try this spooky, slippery tongue twister three times fast:
Which witch watched which witch’s watch walk?
What do you call a large gorilla who likes to dance?
King Conga.
Why did the ghoul cry when her pet zombie ran away?
Because he ran off with her mummy.
Why couldn’t the young witch find a job?
She didn’t have enough hex-perience.
Why did the wizard drop out of school?
He couldn’t spell.
Why didn’t the two four-eyed monsters marry?
Because they could never see eye to eye to eye to eye.
Why did the little skeleton feel left out?
He had no body to play with.
Why don’t skeletons go bungee jumping?
Because they don’t have any guts.
How did Frankenstein know he was in love?
He felt that certain spark.
Why did the Blob stay home on Saturday night?
He was all dressed up with nowhere to goo.
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began asking him where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until finally he gave in. “OK, follow me,” he said, and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river, and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. “Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked. “Yes, yes, yes!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy. “Good,” said the first bat. “Because I didn’t!”
Why did Godzilla visit New York on Saturday evening?
He wanted a night out on the town.
REALLY OLD JOKES
Extinct Animals and Funny Fossils
Where did Tyrannosaurus rex live?
Anywhere it wanted to.
Why aren’t there any dinosaurs in animal crackers?
Because they’re extinct, silly! And anyway, they wouldn’t fit in the box.
What would you get if you crossed a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
What is a T. rex’s favorite number?
8.
What do you get when you cross a T. rex with some fireworks?
Dino-mite.
What do you call a fossil that never works?
Lazy bones.
What do you call a T. rex that has nothing interesting to say?
A dino-bore.
What do you call a T. rex that gets the winning goal?
A dino-score.
Did you hear the rumor about the dinosaur that terrorized Florida?
It was a croc.
How do you know when a dinosaur has gone bad?
Check her expiration date.
What do you get when you cross a prehistoric animal with a cat?
A ’saur-puss.
What music do hip dinosaurs listen to?
Raptor music.
What’s the difference between a pterodactyl and a chicken?
When you come down with a cold, nobody ever offers you a bowl of hot pterodactyl soup.
What’s the difference between a pterodactyl and a parrot?
You’d know the answer if you ever let a pterodactyl sit on your shoulder.
What’s the difference between a pterodactyl and a turkey?
The drumsticks are bigger on a pterodactyl.
Where do pterodactyls park their cars?
In Jurassic parking lots.
What do dinosaurs have that no other animal has?
Baby dinosaurs.
Which dinosaur sleeps all day?
The dino-snore.
SPOTLIGHT
Friends
you’ve heard of Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Ross, right? They’re household names thanks to the hit series Friends, which revolved around these six friends dealing with the ups and downs of everyday life. The series was so hugely popular because viewers could easily relate to the situations the characters found themselves in. Even though their experiences were exaggerated, it only made everything funnier. The series debuted in 1994, ran for 10 seasons, and is one of the most highly syndicated shows on television today. At the time it was on the air, the show was a huge pop-culture hit as well, introducing “the Rachel” hairdo and catchphrases “How you doin’?”
and “on a break.”
How do you know there’s a brontosaurus in the house?
The cheese is missing from the mousetraps.
How do you know there’s a tyrannosaurus in the house?
The brontosaurus is missing.
What do you call it when a tyrannosaurus throws a brontosaurus at another tyrannosaurus?
Food fight!
Where did the dodo bird like to fly for his winter vacation?
Nowhere—dodoes couldn’t fly.
Why did the first fish grow legs and walk out of the ocean?
He had to go to the bathroom.
When do dinosaurs put on bandages?
When they get dino-sores.
Who puts braces on woolly mammoths?
The mastodontist.
Why did the brontosaurus climb into the active volcano?
He wasn’t very smart.
What did the stegosaurus say to the cute brontosaurus at the tar pit?
“Hey, I’m glad you decided to stick around.”
BEHIND THE PUNCH LINE:
Classic Comedy
Good comedy is all about pleasing the audience. Take William Shakespeare, for example. Usually, we think of Shakespeare’s plays as difficult academic works. But Shakespeare’s comedic plays, such as The Taming of the Shrew, As You Like It, and Twelfth Night, are uproariously funny and loaded with plays on words, silly characters, and loads of comic situations. The playwright’s tragedies are masterpieces of the English language, too. Many of our sayings come directly from Shakespeare, in fact. Shakespeare wrote for the people—he consciously avoided the stiff, snobby style of other writers in order to please the people in the theater.
When did cave people invent hockey?
During the ice age.
If a triceratops and a pebble are standing on the edge of a cliff, which one jumps first?
The pebble—it’s a little boulder.
What kind of shoes do dinosaurs wear?
Triceratops.
What does a triceratops sit on?
Its tricera-bottom.
Which dinosaur roamed the wild, wild west?
Tyrannosaurus Tex.
And what did he ride?
A bronco-saurus.
Where does a T. rex buy clothes?
A dino-store.
How do you brush a saber-toothed tiger’s teeth?
Very carefully.
Why did the dinosaurs become extinct?
Because they wouldn’t take a bath.
What’s louder than a dinosaur?
A whole bunch of dinosaurs.
What do you get when you turn a dinosaur upside down?
A triceratops-y turvy.
What kind of material do dinosaurs use for the floors of their homes?
Rep-tiles.
Where does the T. rex go for vacation?
The dino-shore.
Why do museums only have old bones?
Because they can’t afford new ones!
What is the scariest dinosaur?
Terror-dactyl.
What did the dinosaur use as flooring?
Rep-tiles.
What kind of accidents do dinosaurs get into?
Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
What do you call a reptile who hangs out in bars?
A lounge lizard.
What’s round, covered with chocolate, and tastes like a wooly mammoth?
A masto-donut.
Why did the Apatosaurus have the factory for dinner?
Because she was a plant eater!
KNOCK–KNOCKS
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Po-lice open the door!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Deluxe.
Deluxe who?
Deluxe-smith. I’m here to fix de lock.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Honey bee.
Honey bee who?
Honey bee a dear and get me some tea.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hatch.
Hatch who?
Bless you!
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn’t say “banana”?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
No, kangaroo!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Doris.
Doris who?
Doris locked. That’s why I knocked!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Polo.
Polo who?
Polo-ver, you’re under arrest.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Xena.
Xena who?
Xena good movie lately?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
IBM.
IBM who?
IBM. Who be you?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Anita.
Anita who?
Anita nother minute to think it over.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Electra.
Electra who?
Electricity. Isn’t that shocking?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Omelette.
Omelette who?
Omelette smarter than I sound.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Thor.
Thor who?
Thorry, wrong door.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for dinner!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Usher.
Usher who?
Usher wish you’d let me in!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Raven.
Raven who?
Raven lunatic who wants to knock your door down!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow, I didn’t know you could yodel!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Byte.
Byte who?
Byte you’re happy to see me again.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
DOS.
DOS who?
DOS your computer have an operating system?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cow go.
Cow go who?
No, cow go moo.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Huron.
Huron who?
Huron my toe, could you please step off it?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Lotus.
Lotus who?
Lotus in and we’ll tell you.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Comma.
Comma who?
Comma little closer and I’ll kiss you.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Alaska.
Alaska who?
Alaska ’nother person if you don’t know the answer.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Sparrow.
Sparrow who?
Sparrow me the details and let me in.
Knock,
knock.
Who’s there?
Wire.
Wire who?
Wire you asking me that again. I just told you!
Will you remember me in an hour?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a day?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a week?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a month?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a year?
Yes.
I think you won’t.
Yes, I will.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
See? You’ve forgotten me already!
Tongue Twisters
Try these totally tasteless tongue twisters:
Sick Suzy sucks slimy snot.
Can canned clams can clams?
The fifth fink sinks faster than the first four finks think.
Such a silly tongue twister mustn’t be mumbled.
Feeble felines fear fur.
Sneaking in my creaky squeaky reeking sneakers.
Betty better butter Buddy’s bread.
A cheeky chipmunk chucked cheap chocolate chips in the cheap chocolate-chip store.
I’m hooked on the book Brooke brought back from the Brookside bookstore.
Kent sent Trent the rent to rent Trent’s tent.
Sally saw Shelley singing swinging summer swimming songs.
The corn on the cob made Bob the Slob’s sobbing stop.
The ocean sure soaked Sherman.
Can you say these three times fast?
She freed six sick sheep.
She freed three shy sheep.
PHOTO CREDITS
Page 9: NBC/Photofest
Page 45: Jason LaVeris/Getty Images
Page 52: Photo by Taylor Hill/WireImage/Getty Images
Page 57: Universal Studios/Photofest
Page 67: NBC/Photofest
Page 79: Donna Ward/Getty Images
Page 93: Barry King/Getty Images
Page 103: Toni Passig/Getty Images
Page 117: bottom, Ray Jones/Getty Images; top, RKO Radio Pictures/Photofest
Page 129: Jason Merritt/Getty Images
Page 145: Columbia Pictures/Photofest
Page 149: Alo Ceballos/Getty Images
Page 162: Columbia Pictures/Photofest
Page 166: Photofest
Page 171: Fox/Photofest
Page 181: Nickelodeon/Photofest
Page 191: Universal Studios/Photofest