by Jamie Canosa
Pain haunted his eyes as Kiernan took my hand in his, but not the physical kind.
“But you changed that. You made me look at the world differently. You made me look at myself differently. And I don’t hate what I see quite so much anymore.”
“Jade . . .”
“I would have spent my entire life hiding. Wishing myself away. I don’t know how much longer I could have lived like that, or what it would have done to me. All I know is that you saw inside of me. You saw all those broken pieces that reflected back skewed images of myself and you pieced them back together.”
Kiernan leaned forward taking my face in his hands. “I love you. More than anything else in this world, Jade, I love you.” He said it so fiercely—his voice so strong and sure—that it was nearly impossible to believe he was as sick as everyone said.
***
They kept Kiernan overnight at the hospital just to be safe. I wanted to stay, too, but when the nurse kicked me out at the end of visiting hours, Caulder insisted on giving me a ride home.
“It’s dark, Jade. You’re not walking home. And I’m sure as hell not letting you waste your money on a cab when I have a perfectly good car just sitting in the lot.”
Couldn’t really argue with that. “Thanks.”
We rode the elevator and walked to where he’d parked in a comfortable silence. I climbed into the passenger side with a brief glance at the backseat—the place where my life had changed forever. I wasn’t sure I could ever ride in a backseat again.
Caulder turned on the heat and aimed the vents my way as soon as he started up the car. I hadn’t even realized I’d been shivering and I wasn’t entirely sure it was from the cold. While he drove, I silently pondered what I should do next.
“Caulder?”
“Cal.”
“What?”
We came to a stop at a red light and he glanced my way. “You can call me Cal.”
“Oh. Cal?”
“Hmm?”
“Can I ask you a dumb question?”
“Sure.” His eyes flicked to me and back to the road as the light switched to green and we started moving again.
“What should I do tomorrow?” I felt stupid as soon as the words left my mouth, so I did what I always did. Rushed to try and make it better, only causing more stupidity in the process. “I mean, I know Kiernan’s being released, and I’m assuming you’re taking him back home, and—”
“Stop.” We pulled over in the middle of nowhere and Caulder turned his full attention to me. God, I was such an idiot. “That’s not a dumb question, Jade. It’s not easy to know what the right thing is in situations like these. You don’t want to overwhelm Kiernan, you don’t want to impose on family time. All that shows is that you care. You’re considerate and you have a good heart. There’s nothing dumb about that.”
We sat there for a minute in silence before Caulder pulled back out and continued on our way like nothing had happened. As nice as his words were, they still weren’t an answer to my question. I didn’t get that until he pulled up to my building and cut the engine, shifting in his seat to face me again.
“I guess it comes down to what you want to do. Don’t worry about overwhelming Kiernan. He doesn’t have a lot of time left and he wants to spend every moment of it with the people he loves. That includes you. Mom and I have had a year to come to grips with this. I’m afraid you won’t have that much time. So the question is, what do you want to do with it?”
It wasn’t much of a question. “Spend it with Kiernan.”
Caulder nodded as a small smile tugged at his lips. “I think he’ll appreciate that. Hospitals can take a long ass time. We should be home by ten-ish tomorrow. Why don’t you come over then? You and Kiernan can decide what to do from there. He’ll probably be weak for a couple of days, so maybe just hang around the house. But then you should be good to go. Make some big plans for next weekend, or something. And make Kiernan pay. It’s not like he can take it with him.” Caulder winked and the way he could casually joke about something like that made me bark a surprised laugh.
He grinned back at me for a moment before his face turned serious. “You have your phone?”
I nodded, reaching into my pocket to fish it out.
“Remember what I said earlier. You have my number. You need me . . . you need anything, you call me. Got it?”
I nodded again, squeezing my phone like a lifeline in the palm of my hand.
“Good night, Angel.”
“Good night, Cal. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
His headlight illuminated the path to the building door, where he sat until I was safely inside before pulling away. Leaving me alone with my tumultuous thoughts for the first time all day.
Eighteen
When the cab pulled up in front of Kiernan’s house, I was relieved to see both Caulder’s and Mrs. Parks’ cars in the drive. They were home . . . They were all home. And there went that short-lived relief. Because yesterday at the hospital hadn’t been uncomfortable enough, now we were going to have an audience? I paid the driver and watched from the driveway until he was out of sight.
Convinced the entire day was going to be all sorts of awkward, I rang the bell with no small degree of anxiety. I’m honestly not sure what I expected to find inside, but when the door swung open, it definitely wasn’t what I got. Caulder stood there grinning at me like a loon as sounds of fighting blared through the house.
“Come on!” He literally had to shout to be heard over the ruckus. “You’re just in time to watch me kick Kiernan’s butt.”
I followed him past the kitchen, where a wave of delicious scents washed over me, making my stomach growl. Thankfully, the noise was so loud that no one heard. We continued into another room I hadn’t seen on my last visit. A media room with ginormous bean bag chairs, comfy looking overstuffed furniture, and a flat screen the size of my living room wall. If anyone knew how to spend money right, it was the Parks.
“Wow.”
“Jade!” Kiernan was sprawled on the sofa, video game controller in hand, intently focused on the battle waging on the enormous screen hanging on the wall. One character stabbed another and Kiernan’s fist flew into the air in victory. “Perfect timing. You can watch me pulverize Cal.”
It was so strange. Like yesterday had never happened. My mind reeled to catch up, but maybe that was the whole point. Why linger on the unchangeable? When time was limited, wasn’t it important to make every moment count? If you could consider playing extremely loud, graphically violent video games making the moment count. Which I most certainly did.
“Funny.” I strolled over to where Kiernan was sitting and plopped down beside him. “Cal just claimed something very similar.”
“Did he now? Well, we’ll have to see who’s right.” Kiernan leaned over to give me a quick kiss hello.
I shot a nervous glance at Caulder who had settled onto a beanbag chair in the corner, but he didn’t seem to mind our PDA. Maybe some things had changed.
Over the next two hours, I watched Caulder whomp Kiernan. Repeatedly. It wasn’t even a contest who the more skilled gamer was, and clearly, the whole sick factor did not weigh heavily on Caulder’s compassion scale when it came to waging virtual warfare. Then he handed his controller off to me and Kiernan laid down a bloody massacre. But, considering I’d never touched a game controller before in my life, I wasn’t entirely unimpressed with my skills.
By noon, the smells drifting from the kitchen were becoming almost tortuous and my stomach was on such a rampage that, even over the booming sound system, Kiernan noticed. “What a terrible host I am. I haven’t even fed you.”
“No, it’s okay. I don’t need—”
“Psh. You may not, but I do. Gotta keep my strength up to keep destroying you. And you’re coming with me. I insist. We can’t go blaming malnutrition for my victories. It would be a blow to my ego. And after Cal, I’m not sure how much more my ego can take.” He shoved off the couch and tugged me up beside him with mor
e strength than I expected.
Caulder shut off the game and followed us into the kitchen where Mrs. Parks was standing over the stove, working on whatever had been driving me crazy for the past two hours. “Perfect timing, stew’s almost ready. Why don’t you boys set the table and see if Jade would like something to drink?”
Caulder opened a cabinet and began collecting bowls as Kiernan made his way over to the fridge.
“We have . . .” He pulled it open and revealed the most well stocked shelves I’d ever seen in my life. “Pretty much whatever you want.”
He chuckled as I stood there in awe of the selection before me. At home my beverage choices were usually limited to beer or water.
“Soda, please.”
“Diet or regular?”
“Diet.” The regular stuff was too thick for me.
Kiernan scanned the shelves until he found what he was looking for and wrestled it out as his brother passed him a glass.
“While you’re at it, I’ll take some lemonade.” Caulder dropped a second and third glass on the counter.
Kiernan filled two of them from a pitcher of lemonade and grabbed a water bottle from the door. My sadistic side got the better of me for a moment as I watched him try to juggle all of them, before stepping in to help. “A waiter, you are not.”
“Yeah, well it’s not like it was my life’s ambition, so I’m okay with that. Give me a hand, would ya?”
I reached for the cup just as it slid through Kiernan’s fingers, but I wasn’t fast enough. The glass hit the floor, shattering and sending lemonade spraying over everything in the general vicinity, including my sneakers.
“Oh, crap. I’m sorry.” Kiernan reached for a roll of paper towels, tearing off a wad and passing them to me. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I bent to sop up the yellow liquid dripping from my laces and puddling near my feet as Caulder appeared—broom in hand—and set to sweeping up the broken glass without a word.
Kiernan stood back and watched him with a look on his face that was easy for me to identify. He felt pitiful. Like he was a burden on his loved ones. I recognized it because it was the same look I’d seen in the mirror so many times.
I ached, knowing that the only one who felt that way about him was him. And I wondered if it were possible that maybe, just maybe, the same could be said about me. The thought was so distracting that I nearly missed the way Kiernan was flexing and shaking his hand.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m good.” He grinned at me and stuffed his hands in his pockets.
He was lying. And not even very well. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t sting knowing he still didn’t trust me enough to be completely honest about his condition, but this was neither the time nor the place for that discussion.
I tossed my soaking paper towels in the trash at the same time Caulder dumped the last of the glass. Kiernan filled another cup and we passed out the drinks as Mrs. Parks served the stew. The whole incident had barely even seemed to register on their radar. I guess a year’s worth of practice made the little things easier to ignore. Something that could not be said for our meal.
One bite and I’m not exaggerating when I say the flavor exploded on my tongue. It was like nothing I’d ever tasted before. “This is delicious, Mrs. Parks.”
“Thank you. Maybe I can teach you to make it sometime. I love to cook, but neither of my boys seem to possess an interest in it. All they want to do with food is eat it.”
Glancing around the table at the two boys wolfing their lunch, I couldn’t help but smile. “I’d really like that.”
The rest of the afternoon passed in very much the same way as the morning. We watched a movie on the big screen, which involved even more fighting. Evidently, that’s what happens when you’re outnumbered by boys. But curled up next to Kiernan with his arm wrapped around me, I was more than happy to watch men in uniform shoot at each other for eternity.
My eyes disagreed, however. Somewhere in the middle in the third film of our movie marathon, they must have drifted closed.
“Jade?” I roused to a light shake and the sound of Kiernan’s voice. “Wake up, babe. Movie’s over.”
“Mmm.” I pushed the hair from my face and sat up, panicked that I’d accidentally drooled on him in my sleep.
“Are you okay to drive home?” Caulder was watching us from his seat across the room.
“I didn’t drive. I’ll just call a cab.”
“You took a cab here?” He looked confused.
“I don’t have a car.” I was surprised Kiernan hadn’t told him.
“Why didn’t you call? I would have come and got you.”
“It wasn’t a big deal.”
“Well, you’re not taking a cab home.”
“I’ll take her.” Kiernan hijacked the conversation before Caulder could lay down any more demands.
“You sure?” Caulder looked at his brother with the first bit of concern I’d seen all day. “It’s late.”
The last thing I wanted was to cost Kiernan his much needed rest. “I can just—”
“It’s fine. She doesn’t live far. I’m taking her home.” Kiernan’s voice was firm and Caulder nodded his silent agreement.
I allowed him to pull me up and lead me to the front door where he dug out my coat and helped me get it on. “Thank you.”
“You’re very welcome.” He grinned at me, but his eyes looked tired. “Now, let’s get you home, Sleeping Beauty.”
Nineteen
I didn’t have Caulder’s guidance when I woke up Monday morning. I seriously doubted Kiernan would be at school, and part of me wanted to blow it off to spend what precious time we had left together, but not even death could stop high school.
Without Kiernan by my side, I expected it to be more intimidating than it was. In light of recent events, I was having trouble caring what a bunch of teenagers thought about me, though. Moving from class to class, I floated through the day in my own little world. A few people spoke to me—Jeff, Susie, a few others I couldn’t remember five minutes later—and I managed to hold perfectly legitimate conversations with each of them. It seemed I was mastering the art of socialization without even trying.
Class held even less interest for me. Who cared about the square root of some imaginary number? There were real things that required my attention. At two-thirty, I stashed my books in my locker and practically ran the entire distance to Kiernan’s house.
He lived closer to the school than I did. That, combined with the fact that I actually wanted to be there, made the trip nearly twice as fast as my usual hike. I took the driveway at a snail’s pace, using the distance to catch my breath and air out so I wasn’t a sweaty, gasping mess when I knocked on the door.
This time it was his mother who answered. “Jade.”
“Hi, Mrs. Parks. Is Kiernan here?”
“He’s upstairs in his room, resting.”
“Oh . . . Should I . . .?” I jerked my thumb back in the direction I’d just come from. I should have called first. What was I thinking?
“No, no. Come in. I’ve been meaning to talk to you.”
“Oh. Okay.” Kicking off my dirty boots and coat, I followed her into the kitchen.
“Tea?”
“Sure. Thank you.”
Mrs. Parks puttered about the kitchen while I waited anxiously to hear what she had to say. Did she think me being with Kiernan was a bad idea? Did she think I was bad for him? Unhealthy? He’d had to drive me home the night before when he should have been taking it easy. Was I bad for him? Would she ask me to stay away for his own good? Would I be strong enough to do it? These and a thousand other thoughts raced through my head in the time it took her to set two cups of steaming chamomile tea on the table and sit beside me.
“I’m sorry I stopped by without calling first.”
Her perfectly puckered lips stopped blowing on her tea long enough to wave away my concern. “Don’t be silly. You’re welcome here any time.”
A balloon I hadn’t realized had been inflating inside my chest popped, allowing me to breathe again.
“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.” Taking a careful sip, she set her cup aside and looked at me. For the first time, I noticed the dampness in her eyes. “I wanted to thank you.”
Now I was really confused. “For what?”
“For everything you’re doing for my son. He’s been happier in the past few months with you than I’ve seen him in a long, long time. Even before his diagnosis.” She wiped away a stray tear. “Ever since they declared him terminal, Kiernan has been so determined to live what little of life he has left to the fullest. He talked about it constantly, but I never really saw him doing it until he met you. You gave him the courage to live this life for everything it’s worth, even knowing that it will all be taken away from him too soon. I can’t begin to tell you how much that means to me. You’ve changed his life, Jade. In a big way, even if only for a little while. And mine. I won’t have to go on fearing that my son’s short time was spent unhappy or unfulfilled. What you’re doing . . .” Her lips pressed together as tear stung my own eyes. “It will bring us all such closure in the end. And I know it’s not easy.”
She was wrong. Being with Kiernan was the easiest thing in the world. It was the thought of not being with him that was hard. “I love him.”
“I know you do. Now why don’t you go upstairs and see if lazy-bones is awake yet?” Smiling, she grabbed a napkin to blot her eyes. “Third door on the right.”
Feeling only slightly guilty about the untouched cup of tea I left behind on the table, I headed upstairs. I’d been to the house twice already and still hadn’t seen the whole thing. In fact, I’d never been to the second floor, at all. It was as unexpected as the first. Thick carpeting felt like heaven beneath my bare feet, but where I’d expect oil paintings of long dead ancestors—or something equally creepy—there were family portraits, pictures of the boys decked out in different sports gear, photos from family vacations, holidays, and celebrations. I was surrounded by warm, smiling faces.