by Jody Klaire
“Vivienne.” Babs disconnected and nodded with complete seriousness. It made me feel a sense of pride that Babs disliked the woman.
“She’s really as bad as that?”
“Oui, oui. She may think she is some gift to the women mais, she is nothing but a . . .” Babs “mmm’d” as she tried to think of the word in English.
“Bad influence?” I asked.
Babs shook her head.
“A drunk?”
Tutting, Babs shook her head again.
“A superficial twig?” Rebecca seemed to feel the need to join in and help too.
Babs roared with laughter then shook her head. “Non.”
“A bitch?” Both of them turned to look at me and I shrugged. “What?”
“Who is a bitch?” Berne’s voice behind me made me tense.
“Me,” I said, plastering what I hoped looked like a confident smile on my face. “For . . . um—”
“Ditching your fiancé?” Rebecca said.
“Abandoning Berne?” Babs said.
“Not telling him you weren’t pregnant?” Rebecca added.
“Hey!” I folded my arms and the two of them looked at each other. “Enough with the judgement. I suck, we know that I suck. This is confirmed, I heartily suck big time.”
Both nodded and I turned to look at Berne.
She looked stressed, her eyes puffy.
“Did she upset you?” My anger shot through my veins with such force that I clenched my fists into balls. “How dare she yell at you.”
All three looked at me with raised eyebrows.
“What?” I put my hands on my hips. “What?”
“Steady on, Pip.” Rebecca’s smug grin made me frown even deeper and my forehead ache.
“I will not take it easy.” I looked at Berne. How did I explain that it drove me nuts to think of her going anywhere near some sultry, superficial twig, who was a drunken bad influence and a bitch? “I don’t like her.”
My words brought a smile to her lips and the light seemed to flow back into her. “I am very happy that you do not.”
“Will you still be able to come with me? I don’t want to cause trouble—” I held my hand up. “Actually, I do want to cause trouble but she is your priority.”
Ouch, ouch, ouch that stung.
“Oui.” Berne blinked a few times. “I will guide you as promised.”
Was the “oui”about coming with me or Vivienne being priority?
“Are you sure?” I tried to search Berne’s eyes but she looked lost in her thoughts. “Berne, I have no right to ask you to do anything.”
With a sigh, she wandered into the kitchen. The three of us watched as she snapped open a can of pop and wandered out onto the balcony. I looked at Babs, hating that I couldn’t help to ease her mind in this situation. I was part of whatever problem she had, that much I knew.
“I will go. Perhaps you tell my delightful lemon slice about the rules of our favourite game, non?” Babs smiled. “She could do with some relaxation.”
Helpless to do anything but nod, I watched Babs wander out after Berne and shut the door.
“This was why I didn’t want to come back here.” Running my hand through my hair, I strode to the table and pulled out a pack of cards. “This is my fault.”
“Pip, why did you leave her?” Rebecca’s voice held an edge of caution as though she expected me to explode like a firework.
I slumped down onto the sofa and pulled the cards from the pack. I hated feeling so unhinged and I hated making even the people closest to me tread on eggshells.
“It’s a long story.”
I felt her sit down beside me. “Pip, you told me that she was in the past but it’s clear she’s very present.”
“Yes.” I shuffled the cards, unable to meet Rebecca’s eyes.
“Pip, you wear her ring all the time.” Rebecca pulled me around to look at her. “You wear her ring not his. You still have a rugby shirt that we both know is hers too.”
“Yes.”
“When you’re around her, you set off all kinds of vibes. I mean, where has this side been?” She laughed to herself. “I sound like my father now but I feel like I don’t know you.”
The nausea pulsed in my stomach. “I don’t know myself anymore.”
“I think you do.” Rebecca held me by the shoulders. “I want you to know that I love you to pieces whatever you do . . . but, Pip . . .” She squeezed my shoulders. “If I’m gonna help you and support you through this, I need the truth.”
“You’re not mad at me?” I felt a trickle of warmth on my cheeks and rubbed at the tears. “I don’t know why I have such a problem talking about things.”
“Because you think I’ll get mad at you and never talk to you again?”
I laughed through the sobs. “Something like that.”
Rebecca looked up at the balcony. Berne and Babs were chatting away. Well, Babs was jabbering on while Berne stared out into the distance.
“Did you realise how you felt about her when you met?”
I shook my head and retrieved a tissue from my pocket. “I can tell you that she provoked so many emotions that I was completely overwhelmed.”
I smiled. Berne had been playing that piano in the storm. When she’d turned to look at me, I had wanted to run away and towards her all at once. Such a collision of desperately wanting to know her and terrified to even look at her.
Berne was older, cooler, wiser, and effortlessly calm. She seemed to know what to say and what to do. She knew when to wait and when to charm me.
“I could barely speak when we met.” My stomach wriggled at the memory. “She could speak English but just listening to her made every part of me ache.”
“I am guessing she still has that knack?”
“Mmm.” I tried not to stare too long at Berne and Babs, tried not to read Babs’s lips in the hope of some enlightenment.
“Why did you leave her?” Rebecca was looking too. Babs held her attention though.
“Fear.”
“Of?”
How could I explain how petty it all was? How silly it sounded all these years later.
“Losing her.”
Rebecca looked at me but I nodded.
“Berne wanted to be in the gendarmerie, like her brother, but she wanted to be on the bikes.”
“And?” Rebecca sat back, surveying me as though she had never met me before. I suppose it was the first time she’d seen me inside out.
“Walking home, I was so in love.” I stared down at my hands. “I mean Berne meant so much to me that my whole life seemed to revolve around her.”
“Kinda what happens, Pip.”
“I know that, but it got too much maybe. I couldn’t operate without her as part of my day.” How could I explain the worry now? I couldn’t understand it myself. How could I untangle the mess of emotions from that terrible day? “I passed a motorcycle accident on the way home . . . an officer . . . it was awful.”
“Ah.”
Confused by her tone, I met Rebecca’s eyes, which filled with love. “You couldn’t bear the thought of that ever happening to her.” A smile drifted across her face. “You didn’t want to stop her chasing her dream either—”
“So I did the only thing I could and walked away.”
Not quite the full story but it was all I could manage. Rebecca pulled me into a cuddle. “Pip, you must have ripped out your heart and you went through it all alone.”
“Trust me, you helped . . . you always do.”
She rubbed a soothing hand on my back. “Actually, I do know you. Being so dumb and so sweet is exactly the girl I love.”
“Look where it’s gotten me. I’ll have to walk away all over again and this time I’ll have the searing pain of knowing some woman is sleeping beside her.” The pain of that brought more tears to my eyes.
“Why don’t you tell her?” Rebecca kissed the top of my head. “There’s no reason for you to leave now is there?”
“I promised Doug t
o marry him. I can’t ask Berne to give up Vivienne.”
“Why?”
Again, it would be something that sounded ridiculous to most people. Why shouldn’t I just be with the person I adored? Why shouldn’t I have what I wanted? “Because, I don’t want her to compromise who she is for me.”
“I don’t follow.”
Sighing, I sat up and rested my elbows on my knees. “She always had to fix everything for me. Doug has to do the same. I always feel like a baby and I want to be a person.” I stared out at Berne, searched for a sign that she was feeling better now. “I need to find who I am.”
“And being in love won’t give you that?”
I shook my head. “Not until I can stand up tall as an equal. Not until I stop being a coward. Be someone that whoever I am with looks to as much as I do them.”
Rebecca smiled. “I get that.”
Snuggling back into her, I let the relief ease through me. “I should have known you would. I’m sorry I kept it from you.”
“Don’t be,” she said. “But sharing helps you get your thoughts straight, you know?”
“I know that I love you, how’s that?”
Rebecca kissed me on the head once more. “Back at you, Pepe.”
Chapter Eleven
MORNING WAS COOL but held the promise of a beautiful blue day. Berne clicked shut the tailgate of her truck. The equipment needed for their trip stowed safely, she leaned against the metal warmed by the gentle sun.
Her mind would not still. No matter how much she had tried to meditate this morning, her moments of inner quiet would not come.
The argument with Vivienne and the vision of Pippa took turns in tormenting her until she had rolled restless from her bed.
Even in times past, in times when she’d pined so deeply that her heart laboured with every beat, she’d always been able to meditate. That was the one thing that had seen her through that burning loss, that desperate despair.
If she could not meditate now, what would she do when Pippa walked back out of her life once more? What would she do when Pippa walked away with him?
“Bonjour.”
Berne turned and smiled at Rebecca as she strolled into the sunshine. She made the mental note to add more high-factor sun cream to the bags. For one so pale, Rebecca would not find the baking sun deep in the gorges forgiving.
“Bonjour.”
“You know as her best buddy, I am supposed to keep her confidence.”
Berne nodded. She would expect no less. Babs and she were very much the same. A golden rule.
“But there are times when you know you got to do what is best, right?”
Not sure she wanted this conversation to continue, Berne shrugged. The last thing she wanted was to come between friends or be the cause of any rift at all.
“Pippa loves you and you know that.” Rebecca wandered to the truck and leaned against it next to Berne. “And you love her, which she knows.”
“Oui.” She loved both Babs and Rebecca for trying to help but the statement of feelings meant nothing. Pippa would marry Doug because it was better for her in the long run. Maybe because her mother would be happier or she wished to live a rich, happy life.
How could she compete with that? She could offer her no riches, no fancy holidays, or social status.
No matter how much Pippa said she loved her, she was still going to walk away.
“You need to show her you want more.”
“Pardon?” Berne had seen Rebecca remind Pippa time and again of her obligations to Doug.
“Look,” Rebecca glanced up to the house, “Pippa left you not because she was bored or ashamed or didn’t love you anymore.” She stared off into the distance. “I won’t tell you exactly why because that’s her job but it was for a reason that I know you’ll understand and love her for.”
As if Berne didn’t feel that way already. “She never called.”
“Berne, Pippa needed therapy when she came home. I mean years of it. Seriously, she really was hurting.” Rebecca smiled. “I’d always been terrified of what happened to her here. It never once occurred to me that she might just be going through the same thing as me.”
“You were heartbroken?”
Rebecca waved her hand about. “Yes and no . . . My father disowned me. He was all I had after . . . well . . . it was just the two of us.”
Berne’s heart pumped harder at the thought of her father doing such a thing. Every day she was thankful for her parents and their love. Blessed was too light a word for her upbringing.
“She helped me through the whole thing and never told me a word.” Rebecca nodded as Berne looked at her. “Yeah, that’s right. Pippa got me through the whole thing. She found us an apartment, we got jobs, she made sure that I knew I had her.”
It didn’t surprise her at all. “That sounds much like her.”
“Problem is, Pippa doesn’t see that she does as much for me as I do for her.” Rebecca pushed off the truck and centred on Berne, her back to the house behind her. “Pippa thinks she’s not your equal—that she can’t be with you if she’s not fifty-fifty with you.”
Such a thought was illogical. Pippa was no less, Pippa meant everything to her.
“I know you don’t see her that way and I know that she probably backs you up when you need her, right?”
“Oui. She helps just by being around.” Berne swallowed the wriggle in her stomach. The argument with Vivienne re-surfacing. “Pippa is always present, always interested in me, deep inside.”
“Then do everyone a favour and help us all show her that.” Rebecca smiled. “I’m team Pippa all the way and since we’ve been here, I’ve seen her come alive. I want to see her shine like that. I know you want it too.”
“More than I can express.” There were no words, no sounds that could describe it. To be in her arms, to be in her heart, to be with her. It was sweet torture. “But she will marry him, either way, she will do this.”
“Maybe.” Rebecca looked over her shoulder. “But give her a reason not to. Fight for her. Berne, this is your chance to change her mind. Whether she’s walking up that aisle or before, the truth will bring her back to you.”
Berne turned to the truck, making a show of checking its road worthiness but all the while fighting the urge to slump into a heap on the ground. “Is it not better that I leave her to prince charming?” She kicked the driver’s side tyre with venom. “Is it not better that she have the perfect life?”
“Doug is a great guy but I got my issues with him.”
“You do?” Berne tried not to smile at the information. He seemed so perfect, a gentleman. It was hard to dislike his love for Pippa.
“Yes, he’s possessive and controlling, in a nice way but still, Pippa is smothered when he is around.” Rebecca looked up at the sun and pulled her baseball cap down further. “He’d look after her but she’d be what he wanted her to be. I don’t want to lose her and right now she’s terrified she’s going to lose herself.”
The sound of Babs and Pippa chatting filtered over the morning birdcalls and Rebecca looked once more at Berne. “If she does do the dumb thing and marry him . . . at least let’s make sure she knows who she is.”
How could Berne refuse? How could she turn around and say no, no, she wanted Pippa to love and be with her? She wanted Pippa to save both their hearts and find the courage to walk away from Doug. Berne wanted more, she wanted Pippa to love her enough to come looking for her. She wanted not just a fleeting chance of something, she wanted a declaration of everything.
Was that not fair? Was that asking too much? Why couldn’t Pippa have loved her enough to stay?
Berne kicked the wheel again with more force than she’d intended and bit back the sharp, shooting pain as her toe cracked. Rebecca was looking at her, expectant for an answer, so she did the only thing she could with the agony in both her toe and heart, she nodded.
I SHOULD HAVE known that Babs would be waiting for me in the morning. Rebecca had helped m
e to pack my things, only, I’d noticed that she stood back and gave pointers instead of taking charge.
Silly, but I was touched by the fact she’d listened and hadn’t forgotten the moment the conversation had finished.
After breakfast, which was a silent, tense affair, I took a shower and changed, ready to go. Babs was there in the kitchen, texting someone, and I could hear faint sounds of Rebecca talking outside.
“You good to take a few days off?” I asked, knowing that Babs was waiting for me to start.
“Oui. The wonder of owning the company.” She smiled at me with an expression that worried me. Babs was not one for hesitation.
“Is this your ‘let her go’ moment?”
“Non.” Babs pocketed her phone in her cargo shorts. “It is this. Why did you leave her heartbroken?”
Feeling the sudden urge to lock myself in the bedroom, I shoved my hands in my own short pockets. It was too complicated. If I started, she would want me to finish and unlike Rebecca, Babs wouldn’t let me stop until she’d gotten the whole truth.
“Berne wanted . . . I couldn’t lose her . . . Can you see how simple that is? I was scared of losing her.” I really did not want to go through this again. Last night had been enough.
“You make no sense.”
“I know that I don’t . . . I . . .” Tears welled up in my eyes. I couldn’t go through this conversation again. “Please . . . It was for the best.”
“You wear her ring. You gaze at her with longing. You are desperate to be with her. So why, why do you hide this?” Babs slapped the counter with her frustration. “I know that you adore her, that you have always done this. Why do you hurt yourself and her by being with this man?”
“She’s better off without me.” I headed towards the door, not willing to stay and face her interrogation.
Babs had every right to yell at me, it was only fair that she did. I’d have yelled at me too. In fact, I did yell at myself quite often in spite of the fact the counsellor had told me it wasn’t a great tactic.
“Non.” Babs pulled me around by the hand. I half expected her to sock me one but instead, her eyes filled with patience. “Pepe, I love you like a sister. I will not let you run from this.” She held tighter as I tried to pull away. “You love this man? You love him like her?”