by K. M. Scott
Aaron stopped the car at a stoplight and turned to face me. I froze as he ran his hand through his blond hair and gritted his teeth in anger. “What are you doing over there?”
“I was looking for an apple. I’m hungry.”
“You can eat when we’re done,” he snapped. “Until then, you’ll listen to me tell you how stupid you were to leave me.”
God, I needed to find those scissors! The image of me jamming them into his neck made listening to his threats and insults even possible, and I slowly went back to feeling for the scissors package.
He jammed the car into park and jumped out of the car in a picnic area surrounded by trees, angrier than I’d ever seen him. As he stormed around to my side of the car, I grabbed wildly at the plastic grocery bags. Just as he opened my door, I wrapped my hand around a rectangular plastic package I knew contained what I needed and stuffed it down the back of my pants.
“Time to go, Abbi. We have some things to work out, and since you brought all this food with you, I’m thinking after we’re done you can make me a nice meal to make up to me.”
I held on to two bags and stepped out of the car to stand behind Aaron. As long as I could stay out of his line of sight, I might be able to get the scissors out of the package before he started hitting me. I followed him for a few steps knowing I couldn’t outrun him, my right hand clutching all the bags as my left hand worked to get the scissors out of my pants. I needed my right hand to open the plastic, though, but when I moved to tear at it, the bags made a rustling noise.
He quickly turned around, and in an instant, all my efforts were exposed. The rage in his eyes terrified me, and any thoughts of fighting back rushed away as he yanked me into the bushes. I fell onto the ground, scattering the groceries everywhere around me when they flew out of my hand as I held tight to the scissors package, my last hope.
I stared up at him as his anger exploded out of him. “Planning on cutting me, Abbi? Let’s see how it feels.”
He grabbed the package from my grip and ripped open the plastic with one tear. Scrambling to my feet, I made it two steps toward the clearing when he grabbed my hair and sent me flying back down to the ground. In a flash, he was holding me down, his body covering mine so I couldn’t move. He pressed the point of the scissors to my neck and ran it down to my shoulder, and I was sure at any moment he’d stab me.
“I got a better idea. Just in case you were thinking anyone else would want you, I’m going to make sure they don’t.”
“Aaron, please don’t kill me. Please!”
He laughed the way he always did when he was going to hurt me. “I’m not going to kill you, Abbi. I’m just going to make sure no one else wants you.”
I cowered in fear, sure any second I’d feel the point of the scissors blades cutting into my face, but he didn’t go for that. Instead, he slowly opened the scissors and winked. With his knee pressed into my chest and his left hand holding my wrists, he began hacking into my hair, scraping my scalp with the points as he carved into my favorite part of me.
“Aaron, no! Don’t cut my hair!”
My pleas did nothing to stop him. He just continued hacking away at my long blond hair as I struggled to get free, twisting my head left and right to try to end his attack. Finally, he stopped and looked down at me. Spitting into my face, he said, “There. Now see if you can get anyone to fuck you looking like that.”
I lay there on the ground surrounded by chunks of my beautiful hair and unable to even cry. I’d done everything right, and still he’d gotten to me. He stood over me laughing for a few moments and then stormed away, jumping into his car and leaving me there. I guess I should have been thankful he didn’t beat me, but what he’d done was worse. I’d lose my job bartending because no one would want to see someone so hideous serving them drinks. I’d have no way to make enough money to even try to start a new life.
Slowly, I got to my knees and stood up. He’d left me with my cell phone, so at least I could call Gemma for a ride and not have to be humiliated by having to walk or take a cab. I knew by the horror in her eyes when she found me that Aaron had succeeded in what he wanted to do. Now nobody would want me.
I stood in front of Kane’s bathroom mirror and stared at my reflection. My hair, the part of me I’d always loved the most, lay flat against my head in uneven layers. Gone were the long blond waves that had framed my face, and in their place was a mess perfectly suited to who I really was. I touched the ragged ends and looked away, saddened by the reality of me.
A mess of a woman abused by one man and now imprisoned by another.
* * *
GEMMA STOPPED at my post on her way out for the night¸ her expression full of worry. “Do you know where Abbi is? I’ve tried to call her half a dozen times tonight and she never answers. Did you see her?”
I looked down at my monitors to avoid her stare. “She’s fine. Don’t worry about her.”
“Fine? Don’t worry? Did something happen at The Carousel Club?”
“She’s safe and sound. No need to worry.”
Unwilling to take my curt answers for what they were worth, she tapped on the desk in front of me. “Kane, where is she safe and sound? You left here after I told you where she was and she’s not answering her phone. I want to know what’s going on.”
I took a deep breath and looked up at her. “I brought her back here. She’s in my apartment.”
“You brought her back? As in took her out of The Carousel Club and brought her here? She was okay with that?”
I returned her stare with one of my own. “Have a good night, Gemma.”
A smile slowly spread across her lips. “You like her. That’s why you were so difficult from the moment you met her¸ isn’t it?”
“Goodnight, Gemma.”
She caught my arm in her hold and squeezed gently, getting my attention. “I need you to promise me something. Don’t hurt her. I’m not talking about physical hurt. She’s tough. She’s learned to handle that kind of pain. But she can’t take you breaking her heart, Kane.”
“I just brought her back here to make sure she didn’t get hurt at that club. She didn’t belong there. That was it.”
“I’ve seen the way you are with the women here, Kane. You’re distant and cold at times. As a boss, it’s not hard to deal with. It’s actually okay since you leave us alone. That iciness outside of work can hurt, though. I need you to remember that with her. She’s sweet, and men want that. You want to protect her. I get it. But if you can’t take care of her heart, don’t do this knight in shining armor thing. She can stay with me as long as she needs to.”
“Gemma…”
“Just promise me, please. I can’t leave here unless you promise you’re going to take care of her.”
“Okay. I promise I’ll take care of her.”
“I’m trusting you, Kane. You’ve never been a bad man in my mind. Don’t do anything to change that opinion.”
Gemma left me standing there feeling confused. I didn’t want to admit to myself that I wanted to protect Abbi. All that would do is end up with us making a mess of our lives. I couldn’t let her go back to that club, though. At the very least, I had to make right what I’d done when I didn’t hire her to dance for me.
I opened the door to my apartment slowly and cautiously looked in, just in case Abbi lay in wait for me, still furious about my leaving her hours earlier. I heard nothing and stepped in to look around but didn’t see any sign of her. Spying her lying on the bed in the next room, I walked in and saw she still wore my shirt but her long blond hair was gone. In its place was short hair that looked like it had been chopped off.
What had happened?
My hand hovered over her head to touch her roughly cut hair, but instead I just pulled the sheet up to cover her naked legs. She moaned softly at the touch of the fabric against her skin and curled her arms under her before going back to sleep. I’d prepared myself for more of her anger, but I hadn’t been ready to see her like this—so vul
nerable and innocent there in my shirt and lying in my bed.
Quietly, I stripped down until all I wore were my boxer briefs. Leaving my clothes in a pile in the corner, I grabbed an old blanket from the closet and spread it out on the floor next to the bed. Abbi mumbled something in her sleep, and I stood silently watching her delicate mouth move, my body suddenly very aware of her nearly naked body just a few feet away.
What was I doing? All the bells had gone off in my head from the moment I met her, but still there I stood watching her innocently sleep in my bed. Why hadn’t I just done the same thing I’d done for years?
My cock ached as I stared down at her. I’d known that first night she’d make me want things I couldn’t have. Things I shouldn’t have. But there I was standing over her, my hands itching to touch her hair and her skin just to know what they felt like as she lay next to me.
She looked so small there in my twin bed, the sheet tucked up near her chin and her legs pulled up under her. How could anyone want to hurt someone so small and helpless?
I lowered myself to the floor and lay back against the hard wood beneath me. Staring up at the ceiling, I tried to focus on anything but Abbi lying just two feet away. I ran through the reports I had to complete and send to Olivia by the end of the week, but the numbers got lost among thoughts of Abbi’s soft perfume filling the air around me. It smelled like baby powder and some kind of summertime flower mixed together.
As the minutes ticked by, everything about her preoccupied my mind until all I wanted to do was crawl into bed next to her. What was I thinking bringing her back here? These rooms kept me away from the rest of the world, and now here she was in my bed wearing my shirt and a G-string.
Fuck. This was a mistake. How could I have thought I could have her so close and still stay away? I should have just left her at The Carousel Club, but I couldn’t. Just seeing her on that stage with those men leering up at her made me sick to my stomach.
Just like I’d felt that first night when I knew someone had hurt her. The rage had filled every part of me, making me want to beat the hell out of the man who’d put his hands on her body. I knew then I couldn’t be around her without wanting to protect her.
She sighed in her sleep, and an ache in the pit of my stomach pinched at me. I wanted to touch her, to hold her in my arms and listen to her gentle sighs for the rest of my life. That even having me in her life would be the biggest mistake she could make hung over my head like a truth so ingrained there was no way to deny it.
I didn’t want to think that way, though. I wanted to think she could be mine and I could be hers, and we’d protect each other from the world outside these rooms.
I knew differently, though. The man who’d hid away in these rooms—in this club—would bring nothing but bad to her life. My demons made that certain. They’d rear their ugly heads and show me for the man I really was.
A monster. Violent. Ruled by my rage.
Maybe this time could be different. I had been able to love once, a long time ago. Didn’t that mean I could be the kind of man I needed to be to love again?
But that had been before I let my demons take hold and control me.
I closed my eyes and tried to remember a time in my life when I wasn’t this person. Had I ever been anything but filled with anger? From the minute I could understand her words, my mother had told me the story of what I was. Why she’d named me Kane. Then later when I first showed signs of my demons, she pulled me close and urged them on, welcoming them when she should have been chasing them away.
My mother held my hand and smiled down at me as she led me from the school principal’s office. The anger of a third grader had horrified him, but she simply used the same old reason to excuse my behavior.
“Boys will be boys, Mr. Truesdale. It’s just his nature.”
He’d shaken his head in disagreement, disturbed by my hitting a classmate until he bled and my mother’s easy dismissal of it, and given me three days detention. Almost as if the punishment was a badge of honor, my mother simply smiled and took my hand to lead me out to our car. I knew there would be no reprimand when we got home.
“Kane, what did that boy do to deserve what you did to him?” she asked in the same pleased tone she always used when I got in trouble for hurting others.
I looked down at my hands in my lap and saw his blood under my fingernails. “He said I didn’t have a dad so I’m a bastard.”
Never turning to face me, she kept her eyes on the road and asked, “Did you do as I said to?”
“Yes, mama. I said nothing. I just hit him until they pulled me off him.”
“No words, right? There’s no point in speaking, Kane. People don’t listen to words. They listen to fists.”
“Yes, mama.”
We drove home saying nothing else, but she took my hand again as we walked up to our house and led me to the kitchen. “Sit down and I’ll get you a bowl of ice cream.”
Still in her black and white waitress uniform, she served me three large scoops of my favorite treat, cherry vanilla ice cream, in my favorite blue plastic bowl. I’d done what she’d told me to do, and now she rewarded me.
Placing it in front of me, she kissed me on the forehead and smiled, her happiness going all the way to her blue eyes. “That’s my big boy. Principal Truesdale doesn’t understand you. Do you know what he thinks you should do when someone says cruel things to you, Kane?”
With the sweet taste of cherry vanilla on my tongue, I swallowed a spoonful of ice cream and nodded. “He says I’m bigger than everyone else, so I have to be careful I don’t hurt them.”
“No!” she screamed, scaring me. “He’s wrong, Kane. Your being bigger has nothing to do with how you should treat people. When someone hurts you, you hurt them back. Do you understand me?”
“Yes, mama.”
“When I was carrying you, I knew who you were. I chose your name the same night your father left me after I told him about you. Kane, like from the Bible’s Cain and Abel. I knew you’d get what you deserved in this world, but you’d have to fight for it.”
I listened to her tell the story of Cain and Abel and how I was like the son of Adam who killed his brother with his own hands. Not a day had gone by since I’d been old enough to understand her words when she didn’t tell me that story. I was Cain. My name may have been spelled a different way, but I was him.
Cain. The first murderer on Earth.
“When someone hurts you, they deserve to be hurt, Kane. You did nothing wrong today. You understand that, right?”
Scraping the last of my treat from the sides of the bowl, I smiled and nodded. “Yes, mama. I did just like you tell me to all the time.”
She kissed me on the forehead again and leaned back in her seat. Tired from a long day at the restaurant she worked at waiting tables for tips, she smoothed her brown hair back from her face and closed her eyes. “You’re going to have people tell you that what you do is wrong, Kane. As you get older and bigger, they’re going to say you shouldn’t be who you are. They’re going to want to change you. They won’t be able to, though.”
“Okay, mama.”
She opened her eyes and cupped my cheeks in her palms. “This is who you are, Kane. Don’t let them tell you it’s bad. Your demons are the only protection you have in this world because no one else will take care of you.”
“You will, won’t you, mama?”
“I won’t always be here for you, baby. When I’m gone, I want to know I’ve done all I could to make sure you’re ready because the world is a harsh place where no one will care about you more than you care about yourself. Remember that always.”
“Even my father?” I asked, hoping the answer would be different this time.
“Especially your father. He’s what you need to watch out for in this life. Look at us. While he and his precious wife and sons live in that big house, we live here in this tiny shack. Why? You’re as much his son as those two are, but you have my name instead of his beca
use he’s too ashamed to claim you so we get to live like this.”
“I like our house, mama.”
She pulled me into her arms and held me close so the smell of other people’s food she wore on her clothes filled my nose. “We deserve better, Kane, but the only way you get better in this life is if you take it, by force, if necessary. Remember that.”
I’d never forgotten that, even if I’d wanted more than anything else to believe it wasn’t true. Years later, just a few months before she died and after years of living with her hate, she used one of the last times we’d be together to make sure her lesson had been learned.
My mother sat in her favorite red chair in our living room after working a twelve hour shift at the diner while I laced up my boots to go out for the night. Her blue eyes looked dimmed, as if the light in them was gradually going dark. Years of working long hours and not taking care of herself had taken their toll, but I wondered if it was more the anger and hatred she kept alive inside her that was slowly killing her.
“I know you met with him last week. Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked in a voice full of bitterness.
I tugged my laces, pulling them tightly away from my boot. “Because I knew it would bother you.”
“What did he say? What excuse did he have for waiting until you’re seventeen years old to finally want to see you?”
“No excuse. He just wanted to see how I was.”
“I bet he thought he could buy your love, didn’t he?”
I looked up to see her eagerly waiting for my answer. Shaking my head, I told her the truth. “He didn’t seem to think anything. Just wanted to meet me.”
“Don’t believe what he says, Kane. His words are all lies. Remember how we’ve had to live all these years while he lived in that big house with the sons he loved.”
Her words registered in my mind, but I felt no anger at the thought of Cassian and Stefan March at that moment. After years of her trying to school me in hating them and me being the willing student, I felt nothing for my father or his sons. He called them my brothers, but they weren’t my brothers. They were his sons.