Kate shook her head, willing away the thoughts inside there. Keep it light, remember what you told yourself. She glanced round casually, checking for Sean. ‘Do you think anyone ever worked it out?’ she asked, curiously. ‘Us, I mean.’
‘I never told anyone,’ he said quietly. ‘Did you?’
She was silent for a moment. ‘I didn’t,’ she said. ‘Well, Sean. But he doesn’t count.’
‘Doesn’t he?’
‘You know what I mean,’ she said. ‘It was – it’s in the past, isn’t it.’ She sounded rather prim, like a schoolteacher, and she hated it. She felt uncomfortable.
‘Heartless woman.’ Mac banged his fist theatrically on the wooden surface of the bar. It broke the tension. She stared at him, helplessly, and laughed. ‘You started going out with your flatmate and now you’re marrying him, just to prove a point to me. Whereas I had to move to a cold inhospitable city with no friends and hear second-hand from my own brother about how much in love with Sean you were. It’s all about the pointscoring with you isn’t it, you young hussy. I know the real reason for this farce of an engagement party.’
‘Oh dear,’ said Kate, laughing again, and standing on one foot, then on the other. ‘I’m very sorry.’
‘I’ll forgive you,’ he said, with that old, strange stare of his that she remembered. Silence enveloped them as they stood together. ‘Everything else OK, though?’ Mac said, quietly. ‘Sounds like it.’
‘Brilliant, thanks,’ she said, turning to him, her face alight. ‘Just brilliant.’
‘I’m so glad,’ Mac told her. He squeezed her arm, his big hand wrapping itself above her elbow. ‘It all worked out for the best, didn’t it?’
‘Yes I think so,’ said Kate. ‘I think so.’ She watched his profile, allowing herself to stare once again at that wide, generous face, the hint of stubble on his jaw, the shadows under his eyes. ‘Anyway – how are you? Zoe mentioned you might be moving, is that true?’
‘Back down here? Not sure. Just had an offer from a hospital in South London.’
‘Wouldn’t you miss Edinburgh?’
‘In some ways,’ said Mac. ‘Not in others. I haven’t decided yet, that’s why I’m down this weekend, seeing them again.’ Kate nodded. ‘I love it up there, but I’m a bit lonely, sometimes, you know? Since Alice and I split up.’
‘Alice?’ she said stupidly.
‘My ex.’ Mac turned suddenly to the barman.
‘Your ex. I didn’t know –’
‘What,’ he said. He turned towards her suddenly, his eyes searching her face. ‘You didn’t know I had a girlfriend? Ever? There have been others, you know, Kate.’
She didn’t know why his tone had changed, suddenly. ‘I know, Zoe told me –’
His eyes flashed at her. ‘Ah, did she? And you’ve been eating yourself away with jealousy, I know.’
One foot, the other foot, feeling uncomfortable. ‘Um,’ she began. ‘Well, I hope you move down,’ she said.
‘I’m not sure,’ he said, finishing his drink in one gulp. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and stood there, looking at her. ‘I’m not sure it’s the right move yet.’ He paused. ‘God, Kate, I’m sorry. But it’s so good to see you.’
‘You too,’ said Kate, her heart racing again. ‘Really – you too. I’m glad, you know – it was awful that we never did …’ She trailed off, not knowing how to go on, afraid to go on. The cosy world she was cocooned in, this bright and friendly party, her parents and their spouses talking easily over there – all of it seemed skewed, false, unreal, all of a sudden. She didn’t know why, didn’t know why. Gathering herself together, she took a deep breath.
‘I’d better go and find Sean,’ she said.
‘Yes,’ said Mac.
‘So I’ll see you later.’
‘I’d like that,’ said Mac. He cleared his throat. ‘Hey. I really need a drink. Mojito, large, lots of mint when you’ve got a minute, please,’ he said to the barman.
‘Coming right up, mate,’ said the barman, and Kate slumped back against the bar.
‘God,’ she said.
‘What?’ Mac asked.
‘I hate you,’ Kate said. ‘He didn’t listen to me, he completely ignored me. I have no bar presence. And you come along and say “Jump,” and he says, “How High.”’
‘You’re doing just fine,’ Mac told her. ‘I heard you. You sorted him right out. That’s why he’s scared witless,’ he said, and he nudged her, so she turned and stood next to him, watching the barman frenziedly chopping mint and crushing ice, before he swivelled around to hand the drink to Mac, who took it with a nod. ‘Thanks, mate,’ he said.
‘No worries,’ said the barman. ‘Madam, can I get you another one?’ Kate hestitated, looking sideways towards Mac. He smiled, blankly, like the moment was over, and said, kindly,
‘Go off and find your fiancé, Kate Miller. I’m going to stay here.’ He pushed her off and she tottered, staggering slightly in her high heels towards Sean, who stretched his arms wide open when he saw her.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Three hours later, the bar was still rocking, the mojitos were still flowing, and Kate was not sober. She had smoked a cigarette, which she never did. She had kissed Sean in front of everyone, which she also never did. Most importantly she had extracted a promise from Sean that they would buy the engagement ring together, and that she wouldn’t be wearing his mother’s. Sean had a rather sweet, slightly dubious idea of giving Kate his mother’s engagement ring, which Gerda Lambert couldn’t wear any more now her fingers were so bloated with water retention. Kate didn’t want her engagement ring to be hers as the result of water retention. She felt there should be more of a quest for it. Not a Lord-of-the-Rings scale quest, but still, a bit more.
And all these lovely people were still there; her mother and Oscar were working the room, chatting to all her friends. It was so great to see it, to be in the same room with her again. She missed her mother. And Lisa was sitting on Kate’s father’s knee, whispering into his ear, like they were teenagers. Jem and Bobbie were in the very obvious stages of pre-snoggage, Kate could tell – all around was love, love and nice things.
She hadn’t seen Charly for a while; she’d said hello when she’d arrived, with the others from work, and then gone off to a corner with them, where she had ensconced herself.
Kate’s eyes roamed around the room, searching for her. She couldn’t see what she was up to, but that was probably a good thing, so she went back to her drink. It was empty.
Sean was behind her, their backs were touching as they talked to different people. She could feel his warm, comforting bulk behind her, the side of his hip nestling in her back. With an effort Kate stood up straight and wandered back to the bar for another cocktail, knowing she had probably had enough, but what the hell. It was her engagement party, after all! she told herself, and as she looked up she saw Mac, weaving his way towards her.
‘Hey!’ she said.
‘I was looking for you,’ he told her, with an old expression on his set face.
‘Why?’ said Kate. ‘Come with me, come and get another drink.’ She was suddenly heady with euphoria. Feeling free, invincible, like nothing could harm her, she shook her head, smiling directly at him, too close to him, looking into his eyes, knowing she’d had too much to drink, knowing she was flirting with him and she shouldn’t be, it was her engagement party, for Christ’s sake. She pointed at Sean, who had Francesca pinned up against the bar and was making her scream with laughter at something, and turned back to Mac, who was watching her intently. She met his gaze. It was oddly unsettling, knowing him so well, not knowing him at all, and the way his suddenly-flinty eyes bored into her, coldly.
‘Don’t marry him,’ he said.
Kate blinked. ‘What?’ she said.
‘Don’t marry him, Kate. He’s not right for you.’
‘Mac –!’ Kate didn’t know what to say. She shifted her weight, the emerald green high heels gleaming
in the dark of the bar as dimly she registered how much they were hurting.
‘I’m just going to say this once, and you’ll hate me for it,’ Mac said, looking around him, as if he were checking out the bar, the other people in it.
She felt totally sober, suddenly. ‘Perhaps you’d better not say it, then.’
‘I have to,’ Mac said. ‘Don’t marry him. You’re doing it for the wrong reasons.’
Kate blinked, mystified – it was like he was talking a foreign language. For the past few months, all she’d heard was congratulations, expressions of joy, attention – attention that for once she liked, that she sought out, basking in the warmth of the approval and pleasure that their engagement news brought them. She even liked discussing the wedding now, she’d got used to it. Dressmakers, caterers, estate agents, registrars, shop assistants, solicitors: an army of people was being mobilized into place, to see to this next stage of Kate’s life, her grown-up life with Sean.
And here was someone saying all of this was wrong, and she could barely recognize the words, let alone process them. Kate stared at Sean, who had his arm around Francesca. As if he knew she were watching, he turned around slowly, and smiled at her, moving his hand onto his heart.
‘And what makes you say that?’ said Kate, trying to sound like Lady Bracknell. He looked at her, and said nothing. ‘Seriously, Mac,’ she went on, softening her voice. ‘I don’t know what you mean.’ She felt as if she were trying to reason with a lunatic.
‘Congratulations again, darling!’ Lisa appeared, pushing Mac slightly out of the way; he stood aside, smiling politely, but still looking intently at Kate. Lisa pressed her cheek against Kate’s, a glass of champagne clasped to her chest. ‘Great party!’ she trilled. She called across the room, ‘Daniel, here’s your daughter! The bride-to-be!’ Then, ‘Ooh, Kate. I’ve got so many questions I want to ask you!’
Kate had never seen her so warm, or genuine, and again, she was confused. She smiled gratefully at her stepmother, and clasped her hand. ‘Oh, Lisa, that’s lovely – thank you, but –’ she looked around for Mac, not wanting to let him get away from this conversation, wanting to put him straight. ‘Lisa, give me one minute, will you, I’ll be over?’ She waved at her dad. Looked at Mac who looked back at her, unsmiling. The party had an unreal air, the colour, the drinks, her shoes, the laughter – it was like a fairground ride, everything distorted, nothing what it seemed, and she suddenly hated it, wished she wasn’t here.
‘Of course,’ said Lisa, beaming at her. ‘We’re over here – your dad’s waiting for you, remember! And your mother – I love your mother! – I think they’re going in a minute … Ooh look, there’s Sean come to say hello – hello Sean –!’
Her voice receded into the background chatter as she tripped away and Kate and Mac stepped together again, as if she hadn’t been there.
‘You were saying,’ said Kate, her voice low, her head suddenly clear.
‘Look, Kate, this isn’t a cloak-and-dagger meeting.’ Mac sounded impatient. He pushed a cocktail stick along the surface of the bar. She watched him. ‘I’m not – I’m not doing this to be dramatic about it. I’m being honest. Do you get it? Don’t marry him. Just trust me.’
‘Why shouldn’t I marry him?’ Kate was bewildered.
‘Do you honestly think he’s the man for you?’ Mac said, his voice close in her ear, swooping suddenly low, and she felt her stomach tip over, full of the doubts and desires that she kept hidden away. ‘Do you honestly think so, Kate? Because if you do then I’ll just go away, but if you …’
He trailed off and their eyes met.
She put her finger to the lapel of his jacket, gingerly. ‘That night we met …’
‘Yes.’
Her heart was in her mouth. ‘I thought – I felt like I’d known you for years.’
‘Did you?’
‘Yes,’ said Kate, recklessly. ‘I thought you were …’ She looked straight at him. ‘I thought I could fall for you.’
‘Me too,’ said Mac, his voice low.
She took a step back. ‘And then you – you casually mention you’re moving to a different country the next morning.’ He was here, she was really saying this to him. ‘I – I kind of hated you afterwards, you know.’
‘I know. Our timing sucks,’ he said. ‘I nearly called you half a dozen times. I couldn’t stop thinking about you.’
‘Why the hell didn’t you then?’ she said, almost hissing.
‘Believe me, not a day goes by when I don’t wish I had,’ he said, fiercely, close to her ear. ‘You didn’t either, you know.’ She shook her head, closed her eyes. He was right.
‘But it just seemed so – random, so out there, to call someone you’ve only met once and tell them that you think that they’re –’
She stopped him, and gently put her hand on his. The love of your life. ‘Yes,’ she said simply. ‘I know.’
‘And then a couple of months later I found out you’d been having a thing with Sean anyway, and I wasn’t that surprised, I thought it was on the cards.’
‘I know,’ she said again.
‘I wish you hadn’t.’
‘I know.’
‘I should have called you.’
She breathed out in a rush. ‘Oh, Mac. Maybe. Maybe you should.’ She wished she hadn’t said it.
‘It’s too late, isn’t it.’
Now Kate breathed in, closing her eyes, which were suddenly heavy. The smell of him – the feel of his skin on hers – his face, his arms, the two of them together, entangled in each other – how intense it had been, almost terrifyingly so, and then how normal, strangely normal … She opened her eyes, slowly.
‘It’s too late … Mac, I love him.’
‘Don’t do it, Kate.’ He caught her wrist, and poison was in his voice, she caught it and it scared her.
‘Why shouldn’t I love him,’ she said fiercely. ‘Be more …’
‘Specific?’ he said, almost laughing. ‘Kate. Come on.’ He turned away, bowing his head and was still for a moment. Kate looked up, to see if anyone was watching her, and there was Sean and her father, clapping each other on the back, and she wished with all her heart she was there next to them, not in the middle of this.
‘Oh god,’ she said, quietly, not sure what to do next.
Suddenly, it was as if the tension had been cut, slackened. Mac shook his head, and said something, softly, to himself. She turned to him.
‘This was wrong,’ he said. ‘I’m going to go.’ He kissed her on the cheek, and she breathed in, quickly. ‘Kate, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said all that.’ He stopped. ‘Do something for me, will you?’
‘Of course!’ said Kate, already sounding cheery, though she felt anything but, and she wished she could sit down with him and talk, talk properly.
Behind them, Bobbie screeched as someone spilled part of their drink over her. It was Charly, sashaying over, a smile on her face, to Sean and Steve. She touched Sean on the shoulder.
‘Hey.’
‘Hey, Charly,’ Sean slurred.
‘Just wanted to say congratulations,’ said Charly. She peered up at him, making an effort. ‘OK?’
‘Sure,’ said Sean. ‘Thanks a lot.’
‘I’ll see you soon. Yeah?’
‘You will,’ said Sean.
‘Are you off?’ said Kate, turning to her friend.
‘Yeah,’ said Charly, a fake smile of regret plastered across her face. ‘I’m going to meet Jag in town, we’re going to a club.’
‘Cool,’ said Kate, who had no idea who Jag was. ‘Look, thanks for –’
‘No worries,’ said Charly, awkwardly.
Steve said, ‘Are you getting a cab, Charly?’
‘Yeah,’ Charly said, flicking her long fringe out of her face.
‘Zoe’s gone already, so I’ll come part of the way with you if that’s OK. Cool.’ He downed his pint, and coughed slightly.
‘Smooth,’ said Sean, smiling at him, turning towards him
so they blocked Charly out.
‘I’m going now,’ said Charly.
‘OK!’ said Steve, faux-dramatically. ‘Keep your knickers on!’ He kissed Kate goodbye. ‘Darling, that was a great great party. You’re a star, you know that? Zo said if you had one you’d love it.’ He slapped Mac on the back. ‘See you later?’ He didn’t ask him if he wanted a lift. ‘Right, come on, doll-face, let’s be off.’
Charly scowled at him.
‘Bye Charly,’ said Sean, and he stalked off to the other side of the room, as Charly pushed her way out, with Steve following, and Kate was left standing alone again. She turned back to Mac and saw him watching her intently, his expression more serious than it had been.
‘Sorry, Mac,’ she said. ‘What was it?’
The question sounded harsher than she’d expected.
‘Look,’ he said, and he jerked his head over at Steve’s disappearing form. ‘It’s … It’s Steve and Zoe. Look out for them, will you?’
‘Um, sure,’ said Kate. ‘I do. You know that.’
‘Zoe, yes. I mean both of them. Spend some time with them. Just do it. Especially Steve.’
And with that gnomic utterance, he kissed her again.
‘Take care of yourself, Kate Miller,’ he said. She watched him go, her mind racing.
Of course, there was no doubt that Sean was the man for her, of course, but if she had to choose, as the magazines she worked for or read were constantly asking her and women like her, would she choose that one night with Mac again, or a lifetime with Sean, and what she and Sean had together?
Kate shook her head at the thought, watching the scene around her, her friends so happy for her and Sean. Ridiculous to even ask the question, and that was what sometimes irritated her about her job and the world of magazines. She spent all day working on the illusion that women could have it all, when the reality was much more complicated. Making promises, an easy sale for £3.20, the new body, new man, new job and new house that you wanted were all yours for the cover price alone.
The Love of Her Life Page 21