by Emerson Rose
It takes a few minutes before I can see them, but when I do, I recognize Sheriff Brown, his deputy Brian and Dr. Miller from the small town at the base of Blue Mountain. There’re also two other men I don’t know riding together on one ATV.
I pause my back-breaking work and lean on my shovel to wait for them. When Sheriff Brown cuts his engine, he removes his ski mask and goggles. “Hey, Gage, you doing all right?” he asks, looking around at all the work I’ve managed to accomplish this morning.
“Nope.” No sense in lying. I’m a wreck. “Got the dead body of an old friend in my living room, my baby girl is scared out of her skin, and my girlfriend’s nose is broken, and her wrists are burned. I’ve had better days.”
He nods, and the rest of the crew cut their engines one by one and follow me into the house.
“Where’s Adley and…”
“Clover. They’re upstairs.”
“Good. Has anybody been walking around down here since last night other than you?”
“No. We went up to bed, not that we got any sleep, and left things as is down here.”
“Why don’t you tell me what happened while my crew manages the scene and loads up the body.”
“How are you getting him out of here on ATVs?” It’s not important. I don’t care if they roll him down the mountain on the trail rolled in my carpet, but I am curious.
“We’ll put him in a body bag and pull him on a stretcher,” he says looking at me with concern.
“Yeah, of course, I don’t know why I asked.”
“You haven’t slept?”
“No.”
“You’re probably still in shock. Add in a heaping dose of exhaustion, and you ask weird questions.”
I scoff. “Okay, well as long as I’m normal.”
He glances around the room. “So, dispatch says you know this guy?”
“Yeah, we were in a band before Adley was born. We haven’t seen each other since then.”
“So he kidnapped Adley?”
“Yes. I was taking Clover to my metal cabin to turn on the generator. It’s got a gym inside, and she wanted to use the treadmill. Anyway, Adley was attending class online with her teacher, Miss Kitty, so she stayed here.”
“How far away is this metal cabin?” he asks scribbling my information on a small pad of paper like detectives do in old movies.
“Usually about ten or fifteen minutes, but in the storm, it took us a little longer.”
“Okay, so you were gone say, forty-five minutes? Sound about right?”
“Yes.” He isn’t asking in a way that points fingers, but I’m feeling pretty guilty right about now.
“Why don’t you take it from there, just tell me what happened step by step.”
I describe the entire horrible day and evening to the Sheriff while strangers snap pictures of my home, invade my privacy, touch everything that is mine and help destroy the illusion of normalcy I’ve worked six years to create.
When I’m done, Dr. Miller asks me to take him to the girls. We go upstairs into my bedroom and find Adley sitting straight up in bed and Clover on her back still asleep.
“Hey, baby, did you sleep for a little bit?” I ask, and she shakes her head looking warily at the doctor. “This is Dr. Miller, honey, he’s going to have a look at Clover’s nose and make sure you’re all right.”
Using her feet, she pushes herself back against the headboard clutching the comforter under her chin. “You don’t have to be afraid, he’s here to help.”
“It’s okay, she’s been through something terrible, and I’m a strange man in her daddy’s bedroom,” he says turning to me. “I’ll check on Clover first.”
He approaches Clover’s side of the bed and holds up his hands for Adley to see. “I’m not going to hurt her, promise. Clover?” he says, and she opens her eyes to stare at the ceiling unmoving.
“Honey, the police and doctor are here,” I say stepping closer. She rolls her head toward the doctor when she hears my voice and her hand closest to Adley goes up automatically. Adley takes it.
“I hear you’ve got a broken nose and some burns. Would it be all right if I took a closer look?”
“Do you know this man, Gage?” she says in a raspy, nasally voice.
“Yes, he’s the doctor in the little town where Jerry has his shop. He treated me for strep throat a couple of years ago.”
“And a sprained ankle last winter,” he adds.
“Okay, you can look but don’t touch my face. It hurts like crazy.”
The doctor does what he can just looking at her nose, and then he peeks under the bandages on her wrists. “The burns will heal fine, but you’ll need surgery to fix your nose. It’s badly broken, and from what I can hear, there’s little to no airflow going on in your sinuses.”
Surgery. She’s going to leave and never come back. I was hoping it would be something that would heal on its own with a little pain medication. I can’t let her go alone. Adley and I will go and convince her not to leave us while we help her recover.
“Can I go now?” she asks too eagerly.
“Yes. I would recommend it actually. It’s already had time to fuse in a way that we don’t want. The sooner you get it fixed, the better.”
“You’re leaving me?” Adley says sounding panicked.
“I have to go to the hospital, honey. I’m sorry.
I’ll be back as soon as I can. Don’t worry it won’t take long. I’m sorry I have to go.”
“We will go with you. I’ll pack a bag for the three of us, and we can stay in a motel so we’re close by.”
“No. I’m going alone. Adley needs to be where things are familiar, and you two can get your lives back in order. I’ll be fine. Freda will come and take care of me. I’m supposed to be with her this weekend anyway.”
“But you’ll be back when you’re all better?” Adley asks. Good girl, she might be able to feed me that shit about being cursed but not Adley. She loves her, and she has to know this is going to break her heart.
“I don’t know, honey. It’s almost spring, and I need to get started on the plans for the summer camp. I think you and your daddy could use some time alone.”
“No! We don’t need time alone, we need you!” she yells, and Clover winces.
“I’m sorry, honey, I need to go.” She sits up and turns her back on my baby. Tears are streaming down both of their faces, and I have to choose which one to console.
Of course, it’s my daughter.
I scoop her out of my bed and hold her while she sobs into my chest. When Clover stands, the doctor helps her. Our eyes lock for a second, and I turn my back on her. How can she hurt Adley this way? How can she hurt me this way? How can she walk away from what we have together? I love her. I haven’t told her in so many words, but I do, and I thought she loved me, too. I thought she loved us.
In Adley’s bedroom, I close the door and lay down with her clinging to me. I pull the blanket up over both of us and wait for Adley to finish crying. When she’s calmer, I pull her away and put on a brave face for my little princess.
“She’s not comin’ back, is she?”
I sigh and bite my bottom lip. “I don’t think so, no.”
“But why? Is it cuz I let the bad man take me away?”
“Oh no, baby, it’s not your fault at all. Remember when Clover told us how her parents died in a fire?”
“Uh huh.”
“Well, she has this silly idea, kind of like that silly idea you just had. She thinks it was her fault because she was learning how to light a match for her daddy’s birthday cake. But it wasn’t her fault. It was an accident. Accidents happen all the time. And Lenny, him coming in here and taking you away wasn’t an accident, but it also wasn’t your fault. He was mad at me for quitting the band. Sometimes anger sits in your head for a long time and makes you crazy. I think that’s what happened to Lenny.”
“You quit the band because of me.”
“No. I quit the band for myself and you.
I was sad that your mommy was gone, and I wanted to give you as much of me as possible. Kids are supposed to have two parents, and I felt bad you only had one. I made a promise to you in the hospital that I would be the best mommy and daddy that I could be so that you wouldn’t feel gypped.”
“I don’t feel gypped.”
“Good, then I must be doing it right.”
“Daddy?”
“Yeah, baby.”
“I was wearing pink jammies with pacifiers and angels on them the day you made that promise.”
“What?” I prop my head up on my elbow.
“I remember what you said.”
She was two weeks old when I held her in my arms in the NICU and made that vow. There’s no way she could remember. It was a terrible day. She almost died three times, and they were letting me hold her in case she tried it again and succeeded.
“Did you see a picture?” I ask, but I’m almost one hundred percent sure no one took a picture that day of all days.
“No. I was floating by the light watching you hold me. I didn’t wanna leave you there all alone.”
“You were floating?”
“Yeah, and I wasn’t alone. There was a beautiful lady there, too. She asked me if I wanted to go with her, but I told her no, I had to stay with my daddy.”
She had an out-of-body experience at two weeks old? Was the beautiful lady an angel? Was she dying in my arms? I feel two big tears slide down my cheeks.
“Daddy, don’t cry. I stayed to make you happy.”
“I know, baby, I know. Thank you.” I take her in my arms and squeeze her so tight she complains that she can’t breathe. I loosen my hold and cuddle her close.
Then I visualize Lenny putting his gun to her head. I remember the time she hit her head in the lake when she jumped off a tire swing. The day she lost control skiing and flipped over an embankment that I thought was a cliff. Every time I thought I might lose her. Every time she proved to me how special she is. Nothing is taking my little fighter.
If Clover can’t see how wonderful she is and how in love we are with her, then it’s her loss. We will be fine without her. Who needs a nanny? Not us. Who needs a sexy girlfriend? Not me.
We were doing great before Clover, and we will do great after her.
I hope.
18
Clover
What is that incessant beeping? It’s driving me insane and giving me one hell of a headache. I try to open my eyes, but they’re too heavy. I mumble something. I don’t even know what I tried to say, but it didn’t come out right anyway.
“Nurse, she’s tryin’ to say something,” I hear Freda’s voice say.
“She’s finally coming around. Clover? Can you hear me? Try to open your eyes dear,” an unfamiliar voice says. I try to do as she’s asking, but it’s so difficult.
“Can you squeeze my fingers, Clover?” the stranger asks again, and I feel warm fingers slide into my hand. I give her a weak squeeze. I can tell from her response this pleases her.
“Talk to her. If she opens her eyes, let me know. I’ll be just outside the door.”
I hear the woman retreat and the door click shut. Freda makes a disgusted sound.
“Girl, you have wake up. I can’t take much more of these bougie-ass nurses. They all blonde and wearing tight pink scrubs like porn-star nurses or something’,” Freda scoffs, and I push my thick eyelids up.
“There you are! Yesss. Thank the good Lord Jesus in heaven you’re back.”
“Hi,” I croak.
“Ew, girl hush, you sound like a man. They better not have given you an Adam’s apple with that new nose, or we’re going to sue.”
I laugh but stop immediately when pain shoots through my face. Freda always did know how to make me laugh. “I’ll get nurse Barbie an tell her you’re awake. I’ll be right back.”
“Okay,” I whisper.
‘Nurse Barbie’ as Freda calls her checks me over and gives me a glorious dose of pain medication in my IV that makes the tiles on the ceiling wobble and my insides melt. When she leaves, Freda props her hip on the side of the bed.
“Heather’s here. She’s downstairs getting coffee. Why do white people drink so much coffee? That stuff’s nasty, I don’t get it. Anyway, she wants to take you back to Cali with her an I told her over my dead body. I still have your room like you left it and that mountain man sent all your things home so I put it all away. You know I hate doing domestic crap like that so be grateful, aright?”
I nod. My throat is sore, and there’s no way I can keep up with Freda’s rapid-fire conversation style in my condition.
“So, tell me what happened up there. They say you offed some guy with allergy pins or something? What the hell?”
“He kidnapped Adley. They were EpiPens for Gage’s allergy to lunch meat. I had to do it. He was going to kill all of us.”
“Why didn’t he just give him what he wanted?”
“He gave him everything he had, but Lenny thought he was lying.” My last few words came out crackly and broken. It’s hard to talk about, and my voice isn’t cooperating.
“Okay, Okay, you hush. We can talk ‘bout it later when you’re better.”
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For being here for me and for being my friend when I was being stupid over a man.”
“Gurl, that man’s worth being stupid over. He’s hot as hell. Sounds like he got whack friends, though.”
I clear my throat and wish for a glass of water. “He used to be part of the band. They hadn’t talked in years.”
Freda gets up and walks to the small table next to my bed. She must have read my mind I think when she pours me a glass of ice water and hands it to me. I take a long pull on the straw feeling the water all the way to my stomach.
“Yeah, well, he’s still whack tryin’ ta kill little kids and shit. Why’d he choose your man to pick on anyhow?”
“Gage quit the band, and Lenny figured he owed him something because his career didn’t go anywhere after that.”
Freda pokes her bottom lip out and nods like she understands. I hope she leaves it at that. Gage and I might not be together anymore, but I still feel obligated to keep his secrets. I’m nothing if not a loyal friend. I hope this story doesn’t end up in the news and out him to the world as Apollo Mercury. He was thinking about easing back into the public eye but not like this. This is the kind of story that would run rampant in social media and in the news. People would point fingers and rake Gage and Adley over the coals over Lenny’s death, and as far as I can see, Lenny didn’t deserve to live. I only wish it hadn’t been me who killed him.
The door opens a crack, and my Aunt Heather’s blonde head peeks around it. “Okay to come in?” she asks.
“Yes, please.”
The door opens wide as well as Heather’s big blue eyes. Heather and my mother were adopted. They couldn’t have been more opposite looking and acting girls if they’d tried. Mama had long, black curly hair, brown eyes that were almost black, and a curvaceous body. Heather is tall and willowy with blonde hair and blue eyes. She loves the outdoors, and Mama would have loved the outdoors if she hadn’t always been indoors working one of two jobs.
They loved each other like blood sisters, though, and that’s all that matters.
“You’re awake! Hallelujah!” She rushes over to me and kisses the top of my hand and then the top of my head avoiding my face.
“Why didn’t you call me, Freda? You said you’d call.”
“She just woke up. I didn’t have time yet. Chill white mama,” Freda says. Freda always called Heather my white mama. We grew up in a diverse neighborhood and visited Aunt Heather a lot when we were kids before my parents died. She’d always say, “When we goin’ to white mama’s house for her fancy cookies?” I always corrected her and told her Heather was my aunt not my mama. It’s kind of ironic that things turned out the way they did.
Heather also rolls her eyes at Freda before turning her at
tention back to me. “How do you feel? Are you having a lot of pain? We can tell the nurse if you are or you can push this button.” She holds up a big button with a glowing green pad.
“What’s that?”
“It’s pain medicine. You push the button when you need it. Didn’t the nurse tell you about that?” She turns to Freda. “You did call the nurse in here when she woke up, didn’t you?”
“Course I did,” she says defensively with an eye roll.
I press the button and wait for the same warm mushy feeling I had when the nurse gave me pain medicine earlier. It doesn’t happen, and I’m not going to lie, I’m a little disappointed.
“I don’t think it’s working,” I say, slurring my words.
“Oh, I think you’re wrong there, sweet pea. You should see yourself. You look like your face is melting off your bones.”
She’s right, I’m not in pain. This button must give me something different. Something not as great. “Yeah, no pain, you’re right.” I feel my eyelids sliding down again, and this time I have no control, and I let them close, so I can float away into never-never land and escape what my life has become for a while.
I fold my t-shirts and place them in the top drawer of my dresser, sit down on the edge of my bed and sigh. I never imagined I would be here in my childhood bedroom living in California again when I left for Colorado four and a half years ago.
It’s been a month since my surgery. I had multiple complications and had to stay in the hospital for almost a week. Aunt Heather wasn’t about to let Freda take care of me when I was discharged. She was worried, and I can’t blame her. I wasn’t in any condition physically or emotionally to care for myself. I am only now beginning to feel the positive benefits of therapy three times a week.
The nightmares started before I left the hospital. Lenny occupied my thoughts day and night. I kept seeing the barrel of his rifle being pushed into Adley’s soft cheek, and Gage handcuffed and helpless with rage in his eyes.
In some of the dreams, Lenny pulled the trigger and killed Adley. I woke from those in a pool of sweat screaming her name over and over. In others, he turned the gun on Gage. I woke sobbing and heartbroken from those nightmares. And then there were the more true-to-life dreams where his demise was re-enacted, and I killed him exactly like I did with EpiPens to his carotid arteries.