by Emerson Rose
I take a deep breath and try to absorb all that’s happening. Alex has a baby, one he had no idea about, and he’s mourning the loss of an ex-girlfriend he cared about but didn’t love. Not to mention the guilt I’m sure he is feeling for breaking up with her and telling her to have an abortion.
“Alex, this wasn’t your fault. She was an adult, and she made her own decisions. If she didn’t tell you, she had her reasons, wrong as they may have been.” He stares at the baby in my arms, and the tears continue to flow down his face. He can’t hear me, this is too traumatizing.
“Jacob, can you take the baby for a minute?” I lift the pretty girl up and pass her off to him. “Alex, come with me,” I say taking his hands to pull him up. He doesn’t resist as I lead him down the hall to my bedroom. “Come, lie down and rest for a bit. You’re exhausted, and you haven’t had any sleep. I’ll keep an eye on… what’s the baby’s name?”
“Faye.”
“That’s a pretty name. I’ll take care of Faye, you sleep, and when you wake up, we will try to figure all of this out, okay?”
He sits on the edge of the bed still in a state of shock while I crouch down in front of him and remove his shoes. I take his coat off and lift his legs onto the bed. He rolls away from me and pulls his knees up. I cover him with a blanket my mother crocheted for me before she lost the ability to move her own hands and kiss the back of his head.
“Will you be okay alone?” I ask, and he nods.
I leave the door open and make my way back into the living room where Jacob is holding Faye away from his body like she’s a giant germ. “Jacob, what are you doing?” Faye is wide-eyed and kicking her tiny feet that are dangling in the air.
“Holding the baby. You told me to hold her.”
“Not like a bag of trash, give her here.” I take her, and she nuzzles against my shoulder. “Her name is Faye, that’s all I got out of him. He’s going to sleep. He couldn’t have had more than two or three hours last night, and this is all so…”
“So fucking insane?”
“Jacob, the baby,” I say raising my eyebrows.
“Oh shit, sorry. I’m not used to being around kids. You’re going to have to cut me some slack on the cursing.”
“You have two sisters and a brother, you’ve been around plenty of babies.”
“Yeah, but I didn’t curse back then. My mom would have smacked me upside the head, you know that. Besides, she’s too little to understand me.”
I look at Faye’s sweet face. “You’re right. I wonder how old she is.”
“She looks like she’s about nine or ten months.”
“I suppose that would make sense, they broke up a year and a half or two years ago. That’s enough time to go to Europe, have a baby, and come home.”
“I wonder how long she knew she had cancer?”
“I don’t know… long enough to plan her suicide, I guess.”
“That’s so sad. Wait, is he sure she’s his?”
I look at Faye and back at Jacob. “Have you looked at her? She looks like his mini-me.”
“Yeah, you’re right. I don’t remember a lot of what Lilly looked like, but that kid has all of the Wolfe genes going on.” He sits on the couch and stretches his arms along the back of it. “So now what?”
“I don’t know. I guess we change her diaper and feed her something while he sleeps.”
“Didn’t Lilly have any family? I mean, how’s he going to take care of a baby?”
“How does anybody take care of a baby? Most parents figure it out as they go along.”
“But to have a kid dropped into your life like that so unexpectedly, I can’t imagine how he’s going to cope.”
“I’ll help him,” I say surprising myself as much as Jacob.
“I thought you were freaked out with his controlling ways and manipulation.”
“I was a little, but it was me he came to when his world got rocked. I can’t turn my back on him.”
“Doesn’t he have any family?”
“He mentioned his mother, but it didn’t sound like they had a very good relationship, and his father died when he was in high school.”
“No siblings?”
“No.” I don’t bother to mention the twin brother that died in utero.
“Well, he has a lot of money. I’m sure he can hire a live-in nanny or something.”
I sit on the couch and prop Faye in my lap facing me. She reaches for my necklace and pulls on the key dangling from my neck. “Oh no, no, don’t pull on that,” I tell her peeling her chubby fingers from the charm. “She needs some toys or something. Can you look in one of those bags?”
Jacob stands and crosses the room to the chair where I left the bags Alex had slung over his shoulder. He rummages around for a bit before pulling out a few plastic rings and three books. “This?” he asks holding them up.
“Yeah, that’s fine, and grab a diaper and some wipes, too, if there are any.”
He sits back down with me handing Faye a red tube that she puts directly into her mouth. “I also found this,” he says passing me a thick notebook.
“What is it?”
“I think it was Lilly’s. Maybe it has information in it about Faye?”
I open it up and find a journal beginning last July. “It’s a journal, should I?” I look to Jacob for advice as I so often do.
“I don’t know, honey. I mean, she’s dead, but maybe you should check with Papa Wolfe first?”
“You’re right, what was I thinking?” I close it, and a few loose papers slide out. I flip them over and find one of them is a birth certificate. It’s in French, but it’s clear that it belongs to Faye, Faye Alessandra Wolfe, né sur 1er Avril, 2017. I don’t understand French, but it’s easy to see she was born on April Fool’s Day last year making her around, if not exactly, nine months old.
“She’s nine months old, and she was born in France.”
“Ooo, a little Frenchie. Are you a little French princess?” he says tickling Faye’s feet. She squeals with delight and reaches for him.
“She likes you. You know what that means, don’t you?”
“Oh, no, no, I am not changing a diaper. You want to help the sexy beast that’s fine but count me out of diaper duty.”
“He’s a wimp. Don’t worry, I’ve got you.” I scoot back and lay her down between us on the couch much to Jacob’s horror.
“Right here? On the couch?”
“What? You’ve had sex on this couch, and I still sit here. Don’t try to deny it.”
He shrugs and settles back against the cushions to watch me change Faye’s diaper.
“So, I guess watching It is probably out then, huh?”
I glance down at Faye who is kicking her feet and reaching over her head to scratch at Jacob’s jeans. “She won’t understand it. Go ahead and put it in. I’m going to see if she has a bottle or something to eat in her bags. I don’t know what her schedule is. It’s late, so maybe she’ll fall asleep?”
“Maybe. I’ll put the wine away, though.”
“Bring me a Coke, will you? I can’t eat popcorn and Cheetos without a drink.”
“Yep, one Coke coming right up.”
I slide down onto the floor and push the coffee table away from the couch with my feet. With Faye lying on the floor between my legs, I go through her bags and find a notebook with her feeding schedule on it. Lilly was a good mom. She has her schedule written out for Alex to follow like she was dropping Faye off for the weekend not the rest of her life. Without warning, tears fill my eyes for all the sadness this child will know one day when she learns her mother took her own life rather than spend what short amount of time she had left with her.
“Hey, what’s with the tears?” Jacob says setting my can of Coke on the coffee table.
“I don’t get it.”
“Get what, honey?” He settles in on the floor next to Faye and me.
“Why would she kill herself? Wouldn’t you think she would want to spend what pre
cious time she had left with her baby?”
“You never know, she was dealing with a lot these last couple of years. The man she was in love with dumped her and told her to get an abortion. That’s some harsh shit. And then she had to move to another country and hide her child from him. Top it all off with terminal, stage four cancer, and she probably snapped.”
“How could he do that? He was with her for over three years, and all of a sudden he just up and said sorry, nope, not interested, get rid of the kid, I don’t want either of you.”
“I’m glad you said it and not me.”
“So you think he’s a monster?”
“You know me better than that. I have a feeling there is more to the story than that, but if not, then yes, he’s a douche-waffle for sure.”
“I’m afraid to ask him about it when he wakes up.”
“You have to do it. If you don’t, I will. I won’t watch you fall for someone like that and get hurt.”
“Thanks,” I say nudging his shoulder with mine. He leans over my shoulder to look at the feeding schedule notebook.
“What did you find?”
“Her schedule. She’s due for a bottle.”
“Hand it over. I’ll warm it up.”
“The formula is in the bottle, looks like she needs…” I flip the page and find the place that says she drinks eight ounces. “Eight ounces of water. Use bottled water. I don’t think tap water is good for babies.”
“Got it.” I hand him the bottle, and Faye’s eyes follow it and Jacob out of the room. She’s about to cry when I dangle a little pink doll in front of her face to distract her.
An hour later, we are halfway through our movie, and Faye is full and sleeping on the couch between us. “This isn’t that scary,” I say after watching Pennywise, the clown, dance like a psychopath in his floating lair.
“It is if clowns freak you out,” he says pulling his legs up and wrapping his arms around his knees. I’d almost forgotten Jacob had a bad experience with a clown when we were kids.
“Why did you choose this movie? You hate clowns.”
“We’ve seen everything else, and I thought I was over the clown thing. Guess not.”
“Do you want to shut it off?” I ask in my best little kid voice.
“No, I don’t want to shut it off, smarty pants.”
I laugh, and he throws a handful of popcorn at me. “You’re cleaning up this mess, not me.” I lean over and pick a piece of popcorn off of Faye’s face. It didn’t even faze her.
“What are we gonna do when this clown is done making new nightmares for me tonight? The Wolfe is in your bed, and baby Wolfe here is hogging the couch. You don’t have anywhere to sleep.”
“I don’t know, maybe we can move her into your bed, and we can sleep with you?”
“My mattress isn’t waterproof.”
“She wears diapers. She isn’t going to wet your bed.”
“You sure?”
“Pretty sure, but we can put a couple of towels under her to be safe.”
“Okay, maybe we will luck out, and he will wake up soon, and you three can have your own slumber party.”
“What, you don’t want company in your bed?” I say winking at him.
“Not company that wets the bed, but I’ll do it for you.”
“Thanks.”
“Maybe you should check on him.”
“You think?” I’ve been so focused on the baby, I hadn’t thought that Alex might need looking after, too. Jacob shrugs, and I unfold myself from the couch. “I’ll be right back.”
“Yeah, don’t leave me with the offspring. I don’t know what to do with her if she wakes up.”
I shake my head and chuckle. I have his number. I know he’s much better at taking care of a baby than he’s letting on, but he’s afraid of getting attached. Jacob has a big heart, and it breaks easily.
Tiptoeing down the hall to my bedroom, I hear Alex rustling around in my bed. I stop on the threshold to hear his muffled voice. He’s dreaming, and in the dream, he’s pleading with someone.
I move closer, and what I hear breaks my heart all over again today. He’s begging his mother not to lock a door. It’s a nightmare, not just a dream.
“I’ll be good, I promise. Please don’t lock the door, please, it’s dark.”
What the hell happened to him as a child? Was his mother abusive? Is that why he bristled when I asked about her? I can’t stand to listen to his pleas any longer. “Alex, Alex, wake up,” I say shaking his shoulder gently. He jolts upright in the bed grabbing hold of the sheets and looking around frantically unsure of where he is.
“Alex, it’s me, Olivia. I think you were having a nightmare.”
He focuses on me, and his labored breathing slows. “Was it all a nightmare?”
My expression must answer his question, and I reach out and take his hand. He slumps over and scrubs his face with his free hand. “Oh God, I was hoping today hadn’t been real.”
“I’m sorry. I wouldn’t have bothered you, but you seemed upset.”
He raises his gaze to mine, a stray wave of his hair falling onto his forehead. I reach up and push it aside, and he takes hold of my wrist. “Olivia, I need to tell you something.”
“You need sleep, that’s all you need. Everything else can wait until tomorrow.”
He looks at the bedroom door suddenly. “Is Faye…”
“She’s fine. We fed her and changed her diaper, and she’s sleeping in the living room with Jacob.” Every muscle in his body relaxes, and he drops my wrist.
“What I have to say can’t wait until tomorrow. You must think I’m a monster knowing what you do of this whole situation.”
“I don’t think you’re a monster. Get some sleep, and we can talk in the morning.”
I try to stand, and he grabs my hand holding me in place. “No, I have to tell you now,” he snaps. I look down at his hand squeezing mine so hard it hurts. He relaxes his grip and pulls me toward him until we are both lying on the bed facing one another.
He closes his eyes for a moment as if to gather himself, and when he opens them, he begins to speak carefully.
“I am not a self-made billionaire. I worked hard to become a successful lawyer, but unlike you, I was given my education on a silver platter. When my father died, his will had been changed without my mother’s knowledge. He left me everything in a trust that I was to be given access to when I graduated college. That gave my mother eight years to punish me for something that was out of my control.”
The nightmare was about his mother abusing him. I feel nauseous thinking of him being locked up in the dark as a child. “Alex, I’m so sorry. You don’t have to relive this, it’s okay.”
“No, I do. I need you to understand. I vowed never to have children. I didn’t want a child to suffer the way I had. My mother was a loving, nurturing woman before my father died. He was an alcoholic, and the night he died, he came home drunk as usual. I was working on a school project, and he was supposed to have brought me more hot glue sticks and some foam balls from the craft store, but he forgot. When I asked for the supplies, he went into his study and started looking for a particular bottle of scotch in his bar. When he didn’t find it, he whispered to me that he was going out to buy a new one, and he would get my supplies on the way home. He didn’t mention going to the liquor store to my mother. She would have given him a hard time, so she thought he was only going to the craft store. He never came home. He wrapped his Jaguar around a tree, and she blames me for his death to this day. It was like something inside of her snapped, and all of her love for me died with my father. If that can happen to my mother, it can happen to anyone.”
“Oh, Alex.” I reach out a cup his cheek in my hand. “You’re not your mother. I’m sure you will be a wonderful father.”
“You don’t understand. What if something happens in my life that makes me snap like my mother? I can’t let anything happen to Faye.”
I smile a small oh, don’t you see smi
le, and he frowns at me. “Why are you smiling?”
“You were a great father before you even knew about Faye. You’ve been protecting your children from harm by not allowing yourself to have them. What happened to your mom isn’t something that can be inherited. She was devastated by your father’s death and dealt with it horribly. You will never do that.”
“You can’t know that.”
“Yes, I can.”
“How?”
“When I look at you, I see a powerful man who wants to make me happy. You’re generous and thoughtful and loving. You would never abuse a child.”
“I told her to have an abortion,” he says with so much pain in his voice I feel it in my chest.
“You were scared of repeating the past.”
“She told me she couldn’t do it. I told her she had to, or we couldn’t be together. I gave her a horrible ultimatum, our child or me. I don’t blame her for leaving me and choosing to have Faye.”
I scoot closer to him and pull his face to my chest stroking his hair. This man has been through so much, and now he has to deal with this on top of everything else. He isn’t a monster for not wanting to have a child and breaking up with Lilly. He was trying to protect an unborn child from a life like his, and he lost someone he cared about in the process.
“Faye is lucky to have you. You’ll see. She will have you wrapped around her little finger before you know it. This is going to be okay. I’m sorry about Lilly, but you couldn’t have known she had cancer. She should have come to you. She could have explained.”
“I think she was going to.”
“What stopped her then?”
He pulls away and looks me in the eyes. “Have you seen the photos of us online?”
“What? What photos?”
“Paparazzi are out in full force on New Year’s Eve. They caught us coming out of your building and getting into the limo. And a few must have been camped out outside my gate because they have a few shots of us pulling into the driveway, and you never left so they know you spent the night. That’s big news for gossip rags.”
“You think she saw those pictures and took her life because of them?”