Heck, I was sure ready for school to be out and not just because I was tired of studying and classroom stuff. It was my girlfriend stuff that had me all worked up. Well, I should say my lack of a girlfriend. Rosalie kept kinda flirting with me, but one day she’d smile and wink, and then for a few days she would act like I didn’t exist. I’m not kidding you; I know just how some old squirrel feels when a dog is slinging it around. I guess if I didn’t have Connie just to talk with, things would have really been bad. Connie at least was fun to kid with, but that was it―just friends, nothing more.
I guess you’re wondering why we didn’t turn in the bootleggers last month when we found out they were big-time bootleggers, aren’t ya? Well, it really had to do with who to turn them in to. Our city marshal, Marshal Wing, had to have some special treatment for his back and his doctor sent him to Little Rock, and we were waiting for him to come back ’cause we sure didn’t trust that old sot, Curly, the constable.
Finally, we finished that last week of school, and, of course, me and John Clayton figured we’d just be free like a couple of birds, flitting around, doing nothing all summer. Nope, wrong again, ’cause you just don’t flit around much in Norphlet, especially when Vacation Bible School and a spring revival starts up. It was Bible school in the morning and then church at night, day after day after day.It was a two-weeker, one of them long ones that might get extended if the preacher gets all worked up and believes we ain’t been revived enough. Heck, I figured this was gonna be the two most boring weeks of my life, but, no, not on your life. Shoot, that danged revival was the highlight of the summer.
The really exciting part started on a Sunday morning, the last day of the revival, when that worthless bully Homer Ray Parks joined the church. I nudged John Clayton and whispered, “He ain’t been saved. Heck, a dead possum in the road has got a better chance of going to Heaven than he has.” John Clayton kinda laughed, and we both nodded our heads like “there ain’t no way.” Anyway, Brother Taylor was all wound up about Homer Ray joining the church because Homer Ray was considered one of the least likely kids to ever join, and he considered it a real feather in his cap to have Homer Ray saved, or at least say he was saved.
I guess nothing would’ve happened if Momma hadn’t been making an angel-food cake with pink frosting that afternoon. Wow, I absolutely love angel-food cake, and I was standing there waiting on Momma to get through frosting the cake where I could scrape the frosting pan. Just about that time Momma spilled just a couple of drops of the red food coloring she was using to make the frosting pink into the sink, and, wow, all the water in that whole entire sink turned red. I guess nothing would’ve come of it except that Daddy walked back in the kitchen, and as he was talking to Momma, he mentioned stupid Homer Ray was gonna be baptized that night. Heck, red food coloring, a bunch of water, and sorry Homer Ray just seemed to light up my mind, and I started smiling. Getting even with that sorry kid was all I could think about.
Well, Momma finished the cake and cleaned up the kitchen, and I helped where I would get to scrape the frosting pan. After we had everything cleaned up, Momma called Daddy in, and we all had a piece of the best angel-food cake you could imagine. Momma went in the living room to read a magazine, and Daddy walked outside to check on the mules, and as soon as they left the room, I walked over to the cabinet and got the bottle of red food coloring. Heck, when Momma buys something, she always gets the giant size ’cause it’s cheaper. Dang, there was enough food coloring in that bottle to turn Flat Creek Swamp red. I just grinned and almost jumped up and down as I thought about what I was gonna do. Okay, I’ll admit it; I shouldn’t have even thought about doing what I did because, heck, you know, after I did it, I started thinking about it, and, gosh, God might send me straight to Hell for doing something like that. But, shoot, after I came up with the little trick, I just couldn’t get it off my mind, and I would snicker just thinking about it.
I got on the phone to John Clayton seconds later.
“Hey, meet me in front of the church as soon as you can get there.”
“What? Why?”
“Can’t say, this is a party line, but we’re gonna get even with that rat Homer Ray like nothin’ you’ve ever seen; just be there. Okay?”
“Yeah, I’ll see you in a few minutes.”
“Momma, I’m fixin’ to go downtown for a little while.
“Just be back in time for church, Richard.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Ten minutes later I trotted up in front of First Baptist Church, where John Clayton was waiting for me.
“This better be good, Richard. I was right in the middle of readin’ a brand new Tarzan.”
“Oh, it is; look at this.” I held up the big bottle of red food coloring for John Clayton to see.
“What?”
“This is red food coloring and when you just put a few drops in a bucket of water it’ll turn the whole entire bucket of water red.”
“So what?”
“Well, do you remember that moron Homer Ray is gettin’ baptized tonight?”
“Yeah, oh, wait a minute. You’re not? Are you?”
“You bet I am, and when that baptistery water turns red, it’s gonna be the funniest thing you ever did see. That sorry rat will just go crazy.”
“Ain’t you worried ’bout doing something like that in the church?”
“Naw, you know that sorry Homer Ray is fakin’ being saved, and this’ll be okay, ’cause he’s tryin’ to trick God.”
“But won’t the preacher and Homer Ray see the red water before they step into the baptistery?”
“Nope, ’cause it won’t be red when they get in. Heck, I’m gonna sit it on the second step, and when they walk down the steps, the water will come up, and all the food colorin’ will dump out in the baptistery. Heck, after Brother Taylor dunks Homer Ray three times, the water in that baptistery will be sloshin’ round like the ocean, and everything in it will be red. Just imagine what that stupid Homer Ray is gonna think when his white baptistery robe turns red. Heck, we can get Ears to tell Homer Ray something ’bout the blood, and as dumb as Homer Ray is, he’ll think the water has done turned to blood ’cause he’s tryin’ to fool God.”
“Shoot, Richard, that probably will shake up someone as stupid as Homer Ray, but won’t it bother Brother Taylor, and what ’bout all the people out in the church? What are they gonna think when the baptistery water turns red?”
“I swear, John Clayton, you try to make something outta everything. Won’t nobody in the church, but that moron Homer Ray, pay no attention to that water. Heck, you worry too much. Don’t you want to get even with that worthless bully?”
“Yeah, I sure do, but I don’t know, Richard. If I was just sittin’ out in the church, and all of a sudden the baptistery waster turned red, I’d kinda be upset. You know that would look a whole lot like a miracle.”
“Well, I guess I shoulda called Ears. Are you gonna chicken out on me?”
“No I ain’t, but I think you’re wrong if you don’t think some folks are gonna get upset.”
“Aw, who cares? This is too good of a trick not to do. We’ve been waiting forever to get even with Homer Ray. Come on. Let’s put this jar of food colorin’ on the baptistery steps and head back home.”
Well, we headed for the side door of the church, which we knew was never locked, and soon we were standing in the back of the church, ready to climb the steps to the baptistery.
“Wait a minute, Richard, I just thought of something else. I don’t know if we should be doin’ this. Heck, what if we make God mad?”
“Naw, we ain’t gonna make God mad. Shoot, if you was God and sorry Homer Ray, who really wasn’t saved, but was trying to fool folks, got all worked up ’cause the baptistery water turned red, what would you do?”
“Laugh?”
“Yeah, God’s gonna laugh.”
“I hope so, but what if…?”
“Dang, you whiner; shut up. Come on and let’s put this jar in th
e baptistery.”
Well, it didn’t take us but a few minutes to put the jar of red food coloring on one of the steps leading down into the water, where, when Brother Taylor and Homer Ray came down into the water, the jar would be turned over. We were outta the church in less than five minutes. I couldn’t help but just snicker as I walked back toward Main Street thinking about what was gonna happen. Gosh, this was gonna be the best trick I’d ever come up with.
Well, we were walking back home after putting the red food dye in the baptistery, and just as we turned the corner at Kennedy’s Grocery store, an old pickup truck pulled up in front of the City Cafe. The driver honked his horn, and outta the cafe came old half- drunk Curly, the Norphlet constable. We were coming down the sidewalk, and as we got closer to the truck, the man in the truck reached out and handed Curly something.
“Did you see that?” I whispered to John Clayton.
“Yeah, what did he give Curly?”
“I don’t know, but that truck looks familiar.”
“Uh, huh―Oh my gosh!―The man drivin’ is the man that shot at us down in the swamp!”
“Yeah, you’re right, Richard. Quick, turn your head where he won’t recognize you.”
Well, me and John Clayton kinda ducked our heads and trotted on by the truck, and as we passed Curly we heard him say, “Tell Swampy I appreciates his generosity and for him not to worry none ’bout me.”
Shoot, we hurried on down the sidewalk until we were outta sight and then I turned to John Clayton. Heck, I was so excited I could hardly stand it.
“Something’s goin’ on with Curly! Why did that guy we saw down in the swamp give Curly something?”
“Oh, my god, Richard, Curly may be in on whatever is going on down in that danged swamp!”
“Yeah, and did you hear him say ‘to thank Swampy,’ whoever that is, and then he said ‘don’t worry none ’bout me.’”
“Don’t worry ’bout Curly? Why would anybody in their right mind worry ’bout Curly?”
“Well, he is the constable.”
“Huh?”
“Yeah, he’s the only law in this town since Marshal Wing is in the hospital.”
“Do you think?”
“Yeah, I do. He’s workin’ for ’em.”
“Oh my gosh, you’re right! Hey, here’s my street; gotta go. See you tonight.”
Well, I walked on home, and all I could think about was the guy that had shot at us handing Curly something, and Curly thanking him.
I sat down to left-overs from Sunday dinner, and fifteen minutes later I was through and heading down to the church to meet John Clayton.
We were both early, and we were standing there just talking when Connie walked up. Shoot, I just had to tell somebody about the red food coloring, and I knew Connie wouldn’t tell a soul.
“Hey, Connie, come here. You’re not gonna believe this.” And then I told her about the red food coloring in the baptistery and that sorry Homer Ray.
Wow, Connie looked at me like I was from Mars, and said, “You’re kidding, aren’t you?” She made kinda of a gasp and just shook her head like she couldn’t believe what I had just told her.
“Naw, Connie, we’ve already set it up.”
“Richard don’t you ever think when you do these tricks? Doing pranks at the Ritz Theater is one thing, but turning the baptistery water red is gonna ’cause some people to go slap-dab crazy. Heck, what if you didn’t know about the trick, and all of a sudden the water in the baptistery turned red? Huh? What would you think?”
Well, I began to get a little uneasy and then John Clayton piped up, “Shoot, I‘d think almighty God was coming or something. You know, the Second Coming. Heck, Connie, I begged him not to do it.”
“Oh, you big liar; you did not!”
’Course, Connie had been rattled a little bit just thinking about what was about to happen, but then she kinda shook her blonde hair and grinned at me.
“You’re something else, Richard. This is sure gonna be the most interesting service First Baptist Church has ever seen, and I can’t wait. But listen to me, if things just go nuts in the church don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, who cares? But, Connie, don’t tell a soul.”
Connie squeezed my hand, kinda flipped her hair, and said, “Don’t worry ’bout me. I ain’t gonna tell, but I’ll sit as far back in the church as I can, ’cause you’re not gonna believe what’s fixin’ to happen when that water turns red.”
Shoot, I figured, being a girl, Connie had over-reacted, and they might be a little twitter, uh, well, maybe a little more. ’Course, she kinda had me worried some, but I was too busy fixing up the last part of that trick to really think about what Connie had said.I still had one last-minute touch to really set up that moron Homer Ray.
Me and John Clayton stood there and talked until about six-fifteen, and then I told him to go find Ears and meet me at the side door of the church. In a couple of minutes John Clayton walked up with Ears, and I pulled Ears aside.
“Listen, Ears, we’ve got a great trick planned for that idiot, Homer Ray, and we want you to help.”
“Homer Ray? You betcha I’ll help. I hate that sorry kid.”
“Well, Ears, we’ll tell you everything when you get back from talking with Homer Ray.”
“What? Why do you want me to go talk to Homer Ray?”
“Well, Ears, if me or John Clayton tells him anything, he won’t believe us ’cause we’re always pullin’ stuff on him.”
“Okay, what do you want me to tell him?”
“Just say this, ‘Homer Ray, you know that if you ain’t really saved the blood will get you.’ Then give him a real weird look.”
“Huh?”
“What the heck does ‘The blood will get you’ mean?”
“We’ll, tell you when you get back, and Homer Ray won’t know either until,” and I started laughing.
“Okay, get goin’, Ears.”
Ears slipped in the side door, and sure enough Homer Ray was standing there at the steps to the baptistery wearing his white baptismal robe waiting for Brother Taylor.
“Homer Ray,” whispered Ears, “remember, if you ain’t really saved, the blood’ll get you.”
“What? What in the hell are you talking about, Ears?”
Well, Ears just gave Homer Ray this spooky look and walked away with Homer Ray still asking him what he meant.
We were just about ready to go into the church when Rosalie and Freckles came walking down the sidewalk heading for the front door of the church.
“Richard, I gotta tell Freckles. Shoot, I don’t want her to get upset with me if she finds out we did the blood trick.”
“No, you ain’t ’bout to tell her, ’cause she’ll blab it to Rosalie, and Miss Goody Two-Shoes will go straight to Brother Taylor. You’ll blow the whole trick if you tell Freckles.”
“Dang, Richard, what if she gets upset when she sees the water turn red?”
“Ah, you worry too much, John Clayton. Take my word for it, she’ll just think it’s the funniest thing she ever did see, and she’ll think you’re great for being part of the trick.”
Well, John Clayton kinda whined like he was still scared the trick was gonna upset Freckles, who he had started liking, but he and Ears followed me around back, and we slipped in the side door of the church and got right down front on the front row. Heck, this was the first time in our whole entire lives that any of us had ever sat on the front row of the church, but we were so excited about what was about to happen that we didn’t want to miss nothing. I looked over to my right, and there was Freckles and Rosalie sitting with a bunch of other girls on the front row of the side pew, and then I looked toward the back of the church where Connie was sitting, and she shook her head at me. Yeah, I was a little worried, but, heck, just thinking about what was about to happen had me snickering.
The baptistery in our church is about four-feet deep with steps going down each side and in the front it’s glass fo
r about two feet where you can see the person when they go under the water. We settled down and the organ began to play, “Are You Washed in the Blood?, and I couldn’t believe it. Heck, it was just like the organist was in on the trick. Well, after playing through that song our song leader asked everyone to stand and we sang another song about a fountain filled with blood, then another verse about being washed in the blood. ’Course, every time me and John Clayton sang out “Blood,” it came out as a laugh or snicker. Heck, we were just about to hee-haw by the time we finished singing those songs. I looked over at the girls, and they was smiling and singing their little hearts out, just like girls do at revivals when they’re trying to show off and act real religious. Then we were seated, and the lights went off in the back of the church, and Brother Taylor turned on a real bright one over the baptistery.
I was holding my breath as Homer Ray came sloshing in from one side nearly splashing water over the top, and Brother Taylor came in from the other and met him in the middle of the baptistery. Everything looked normal, and Brother Taylor started in talking about baptism and how Homer Ray was gonna be washed white as snow by the blood of the Lamb. Well, when Brother Taylor said “blood of the Lamb” me and John Clayton started snickering again, and then Brother Taylor started talking about how the blood of Jesus was shed for us and then started asking Homer Ray the salvation questions. We were watching the water, but nothing seemed to be happening. Then Brother Taylor grabbed Homer Ray for the first of three dippings.
“In the name of the Father!” and―swoosh!―Homer Ray went under and came up with a splash that almost sent water over the top of the baptistery. Heck, that food dye ain’t strong enough to turn the water red, I thought.
“In the name of the Son!”
This time when Homer Ray went under, I thought the water was looking kinda funny. Homer Ray came up spitting water, and then, just as Brother Taylor was about to grab him for the third dunking, Homer Ray looked down at his white baptistery robe, which was turning red, and then he looked at the water and at Brother Taylor’s sleeves which were now red. Gosh, I looked at Homer Ray’s light bond hair and it was red.
Lyin' Like a Dog, The Yankee Doctor, The Danged Swamp! 3-Volume set Page 9