Joe Rel and Bobby Ray carried the hornet nest hanging from the tree limb over to the fan where I was standing and me and John Clayton took a last look before I dumped the hornets in the fan. Dang, I had second thoughts when I saw all them people in that big room, and when I heard them hornets buzzing I started shaking my head.
“Shoot, y’all, maybe this is too much. Some of them people ain’t got many clothes on, and these hornets are sure gonna give ’em heck. Maybe we need to think ’bout this.”
“Huh?” said John Clayton, “Well, while you’re a-thinking, think about poor old Sniffer laying there ’bout to die.”
Well, when John Clayton said that I knew them hornets were gonna join the party, and I whispered, “Pull that danged screen off.”
John Clayton pulled the screen back, and I stood up on a garbage can with the feed sack full of hornets, but just before I dumped them John Clayton tugged my pants leg, “Just a minute, Richard,” he whispered. He jerked the sack up and down until we could hear hornets just going crazy. “Okay, there’re ready! Dump ’em!”
“Billy Ray,” I whispered, “go put the board under the front door.”
Billy Ray dashed around the corner with the board, and I dumped the whole sack of angry hornets into the big fan. They was just one big “Buzzzzzzz” as them hornets left that sack. The air that was being sucked into the room by the fan sent ’em straight toward a group of about ten men, and if you count Miss Tina, six women.
The first thing I heard was; “What are all those bugs?”
Bugs? Ha, they gonna think, bugs. Well, it took about three seconds before the hornets dive-bombed the whole sorry bunch. A man closest to the fan was the first to get zapped.
“Eeeeeee! Something stung me!” and then another scream and, “Oh, oh, they’re wasps or something―hundreds―everywhere! Get out of here quick! Ahaaaaaa, ohoooo! Ohoooooo! There’re in my hair! Ahaaaaa!”
Shoot, the air was just thick with hornets and every one of ’em was mad as heck. Course, that bunch of trash slapped and jumped like they was doing some wild dance, and the women screamed a real high squeal that was so loud it hurt my ears, and my gosh, I can’t tell you what them men said because the words were so bad. It didn’t take but a minute before they all ran to get outta the room through the inside door that led to the main office; and you know what? Can’t but one person go through a door at a time, and when about sixteen people all jammed up in the door, folks fell down and all the hornets just fogged over them. You could have heard them scream a mile away.
Lamps crashed to the floor and tables were knocked over as the men and girls ran for the door. As soon as I dumped the hornets into the fan and watched for a couple of minutes, we ran around in front and crouched in the weeds across the road. Finally, the inside office door just exploded, the lights came on, and a flood of men and women burst into the front office. Heck, men knocked down women and stepped on them, as they slapped hornets, and cussed to beat sixty, as they tried to get outta that office. Course, they all headed for the outside door, but I knew that was gonna be a real surprise for them. Wow, they just stacked up against that door trying to get it open, and some of the women fell down and about that time all the hornets zoomed into the front office and everybody in there just went plumb crazy again.
Heck, let me tell you, nothing hurts as bad as a hornet sting. It feels like a super wasp has zapped you with an inch-long stinger full of the biggest hurt in the whole wide world. Wow, as I sat there and peered through the weeds from across the street, I could see them people as they slapped their faces and backs, and just screamed like they was about to die. I was sure glad Miss Emma had quit going to Doctor Carl’s office because things had really got outta hand. Well, after everybody stacked up against the outside door, things just went wild, because when the door didn’t open they ran around in the office screaming and slapping hornets, and some of the women got knocked down. Course, we could see everything that happened and John Clayton poked me and pointed to Miss Tina as one of them oil-field roughnecks knocked her into a pile of other people on the floor. Shoot, Billy Ray had done such a good job when he stuck the board under the door that they couldn’t open it, and the harder they pushed the tighter it got.
“Ahaaaaa, let me outta here!” I heard a man yell.
Well, I heard that a bunch of times and a lot more words that I’d never say, but I know I’m kinda ornery, and I shouldn’t have laughed at them people that was hurting, but shoot, after what they’d put us through, and after they’d tried to kill me and Sniffer, I couldn’t help it. After all the women made it into the front office, their high-pitched screams was so loud you could hardly hear the men curse. Finally, after them oil-field workers had jerked and slammed against the front door for about five minutes, while them hornets just stung the fool outta them, one of the men kicked the glass out and pulled the board from under the bottom of the door, and everyone piled out knocking off hornets as they ran down the street. Course, since them roughnecks from the oil fields was the strongest they made it out the door first, and then right behind them came Doctor Carl, who was just going “Whoooo! Whoooo!” while he knocked hornets off his head as he took off down the street. The next bunch that came out was the women from the Randolph, and then I heard a woman wail, “Carl! Help me! Carl! Help me!”
Miss Tina crawled out the door and hollered for Doctor Carl, but, heck, I’d seen him run like crazy down all the way down to the end of the block and I knew for danged sure he weren’t about to get anywhere near that office. About that time a hornet musta got Miss Tina on her bottom because she let out a screech that almost hurt my ears, and she kinda rolled over, trying to get away from them hornets that followed her outta the office. Heck, after she rolled around a few times she started to crawl away, but she didn’t get ten feet before another one zapped her backsides, and whoa, look out, Trigger, she let out another shriek that would wake up the dead. Finally, she pulled herself up and hobbled down the street screaming: “Carl! Carl! Oh, for god’s sake, Carl, help me!”
A few minutes later, Miss Tina caught up with Doctor Carl and the Randolph Hotel girls, and Doctor Carl got all of them in his car and drove off. We ran across the street and picked up the board Billy Ray had put under the door, went around back and got up the feed sack and the empty hornet’s nest, finished screwing the fan screen back on, and then headed for home.
“It’s another perfect crime,” I giggled, as me and John Clayton walked back to pick up the frog gigs that we’d stashed behind Echols Grocery.
“Yeah, Richard, and by golly, we got even with those two sorry people,” he said. “That’ll teach ’em to run over your dog!”
“Uh, huh, and heck, after that mess of hornets zapped ’em, them sorry people are gonna be outta Norphlet ’fore the sun comes up. Shoot, with that bunch of oil-field trash and the Randolph Hotel girls in there, they ain’t ’bout to call the police. See you tomorrow, and look out for Miss Tina. She’s gonna be on the war path―if she’s still in town.”
I was back home in about fifteen minutes, and I headed for the barn to check on Sniffer. He tried to get up when I walked over to where he was lying on the hay, but after a few minutes I had him calmed down, and I gave him some more milk and one of his pills. However, he still tried to move around, so finally I lay down beside him and put my hand on his head to clam him down. I nestled down in the hay beside Sniffer and patted his head as I drifted off to sleep. Course, the talk with Miss Emma was still on my mind. Maybe we got rid of ’em, was the last thing that crossed my mind before I drifted off to sleep with my hand on Sniffer’s head. I had a smile on my face for the first time in a long time.
Sniffer woke me up real early, and after I gave him some more milk and one of his pills, I headed for the newsstand to talk with Doc about what all we’d found out about Doctor Carl and Miss Tina. Heck, the way things were going somebody needed to know besides Peg what those two sorry people were up to. I was waiting on Doc when he opened up the newsstand.
“My gosh, Richard, being on time is amazing enough, but being early, I can’t believe it.”
“Doc, you gotta help me, ’cause that sorry Doctor Carl and Miss Tina are out to kill me and John Clayton. He’s already run over Sniffer.”
“Oh, Richard, you’ve got to stop blamin’ everything that happens to you on Doctor Carl.”
“Doc, Doctor Carl is a sorry, no good man, and he’s doin’ all kinda things at night in his office.”
“How in the world do you know ’bout what he’s doing?”
“Doc, we’ve watched his office, and girls and oil-field trash come in there late at night, and a lady I know from the Randolph Hotel told me bad things were happenin’ in there.”
“A ‘lady’ from the Randolph? Do you expect me to believe something one of those girls would say?”
“Oh, Doc, it’s the truth! I swear on a stack of Bibles.”
Doc didn’t answer; he just spun around in his wheelchair.
I picked up my papers and walked out the door, and right then and there, I knew there wasn’t gonna be a soul in Norphlet that was gonna believe us, except maybe Peg, and he was so scared of the WMU ladies, that he wasn’t gonna help us.
I finished the paper route, farm chores, and breakfast, tended to Sniffer, and hurried on down to the breadbox to meet John Clayton. I’d told him Miss Tina might be on the warpath, and that turned out to be putting it mildly. We sat there going over the hornet trick when Miss Tina walked across the street and headed for the grocery store to buy some cigarettes. Before she even got to us it was all we could do to keep a straight face, because her lip was puffed up, one eye was almost swollen shut, and as she limped along she shook her fist, and cursed us even before she got to the breadbox.
“You worthless, little delinquents! I don’t know how you did it, but I know you put those hornets in our office! I got knocked down and stepped on and, oh, look at my eye! Doctor Carl was stung so many times he had to go to the emergency room for a shot! You little jerks have gone too far now! This is the last straw, and I mean it! You deserve anything that happens to you! Oh, those poor girls from the Randolph, some of them had stings, uh, uh, well, in some very tender places, and someone could have been killed when we couldn’t get out the door! I’m going to choke the life out of you!”
Then Miss Tina made a lunge at John Clayton, who expected something because she was so mad. He jumped off the breadbox with me right behind him. Miss Tina stood there and shook all over she was so mad. I couldn’t resist.
“Uh, Miss Tina, someone said they saw you runnin’ down the street without no clothes on.”
“Oh, oh, oh!” She charged down the street after us and yelled some things you’d never believe. Well, Miss Tina had on some high-heeled shoes and she was still banged up from being stepped on, so we got away from her without much trouble. We circled around for a few minutes, and Miss Tina finally went in the grocery store, and then walked back to Doctor Carl’s office. We went back to the breadbox and laughed at the way Miss Tina looked until our sides hurt.
“Dang, Richard, maybe we went too far. She was so mad she would have killed us if she could have caught us.”
“Yeah, that little trick turned out almost too good, but heck, all those hornet stings and tellin’ ’em we know ’bout Burlington might just be enough to run ’em outta town.”
“I hope so, but she sure didn’t look like she was ’bout to leave.”
For the next couple of days me and John Clayton walked around town as nervous as two cats. Heck, every time a horn honked we’d jump straight up. Shoot, we were really upset when Doctor Carl opened his office the very next day after the hornet trick, and it sure didn’t seem he was thinking about leaving.
I doctored Sniffer every morning and night, and he seemed to be a little better. He kept trying to get up and walk so Daddy fixed a little pen where he couldn’t move around and hurt himself. It looked like he was gonna make it.
The days passed and me and John Clayton figured sooner or later that old sot Curly was gonna walk up and arrest us, and, of course, just the idea that Doctor Carl had threatened to kill us had made being downtown just plain scary. Shoot, the sorry bunch didn’t leave town, and after the hornet trick Miss Tina made it a point to taunt us about being sent to reform school, or as she said, “worse” and we knew for dang sure that they had cooked up something, and it didn’t take no genius to know what “worse” was.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
A Call to Burlington and Old Man Odom’s Watermelon Patch
The next day we were sitting there on the breadbox wringing our hands trying to decide what to do.
“You know,” I said, “Miss Emma told me if I knew a good policeman, he could check out Doctor Carl up in Burlington, Vermont, and she thought he might have a record, and if we had his record then people would believe us.”
“Yeah, but the only person that’s even close to being a policemen is that old drunk Constable Curly, and Doctor Carl is payin’ him off. Forget ’bout checking out Doctor Carl. We don’t know any policemen.”
“What if we could get somebody to call the Burlington Police station and ask ’bout Doctor Carl?”
“Well, that might work, but who in the world could we get? I’ll guarantee you they ain’t gonna tell a twelve-year-old boy nothin’ ’bout Doctor Carl.”
“What ’bout Peg?”
“Peg? Shoot, he’s so scared that the WMU women are gonna get him, that he wouldn’t dare make that call. Anyway, he’d havta tell ’em he’s a policeman, and that’s ’bout the last thing Peg would ever do.”
“I don’t know, John Clayton, if he thought Doctor Carl was really doin’ some bad things, he might. You know he even suspects something bad is going on down at Doctor Carl’s office.”
“Let’s go to my house and call information and get the Burlington Police station number and go see Peg.”
The next morning we were back at Peg’s place where we rattled the door to get in. Peg opened up, and we sat around the domino table while I told him some of the things we’d found out, and I told him what Miss Emma had said.
Peg shook his head and muttered to himself. Finally, after I finished he kicked the chair over as he stood up, let out a string of cuss words, and finished up by slamming his fist on the table and yelling: “That sorry, crooked doctor; he outta rot in jail!” Boy was Peg mad.
I thought this was a good time to see if Peg would play like he was a policeman.
“Peg,” I said, “you can help us get rid of that sorry Doctor Carl.”
“Wait a minute, boys; I done told you, I ain’t ’bout to come out and say nothing. Besides you really can’t prove a thing, can you?”
“No, Peg, we can’t. That’s why we need your help.”
“I don’t get it.”
“Okay, Peg, here’s the plan. See this phone number? It’s the number of the Burlington, Vermont, main police station. All you hafta do is ask the operator to connect you, and when someone answers you say, “This is Sergeant Preston with the Little Rock Police Department. I’d like to speak to the chief of police.” And then when…” Hey, wait a minute boys, you must think I’m plum crazy! Impersonating a police officer? Hell, they’d throw me under the jail!”
“No, they won’t, Peg. We’ve been thinkin’ ’bout this, and they won’t have a clue who’s calling ’em. They might just tell us something ’bout Doctor Carl. Do it, Peg. You can just hang up if they start askin’ questions.”
For the next thirty minutes we went back and forth with Peg until finally John Clayton cried and said it was gonna be Peg’s fault if he got sent to reform school, and if he didn’t have to go to reform school we was gonna sit around until that sorry Doctor Carl killed us. I think he faked it, but Peg gave in, grabbed the paper, and walked over to the telephone.
He was just about to ask the operator to connect him when he looked down at the paper and said, “Why did y’all pick Sergeant Preston?”
“Well, Peg, he’s on the
radio. You know Sergeant Preston of the Northwest Mounted Police.”
“Oh, damn, I’m not gonna be no radio person. Let me see … yeah, I’ll be Captain Tucker. Okay, boys, hush. I’m talkin’ to the operator.”
“Hello, yes, this is Captain Tucker of the Arkansas State Police. Could I speak to the chief? Yes, I’ll wait.”
“Hello, yes sir, uh, well sir, I’m having a little problem with a doctor down here, and I understand he might have lived in Burlington before he moved to Little Rock… His name?... Yes, it’s Doctor Carl Donaldson… Hmmm, don’t know him? Well…”
Peg was just about to hang up when I poked him and whispered in his ear. “He might have changed his name.”
“Uh, sir, you know he might have changed his name. Have you had a problem with any doctors in the last year or so?… You have? Uh, could you give me a description?… Hummm, thick black hair… Okay, yes, un huh… Oh, had a good lookin’ blonde with him?… He was doing what?… Yes, I understand. He left town last June?… Well, thank you, Chief. I’ll be in touch. Good-bye.”
“Boys, that’s him, ain’t no doubt ’bout it, but he’s changed his name and Miss Tina was a blonde back in Vermont. The chief said he left town accused of sellin’ drugs with out a prescription, but damn, boys, that really don’t do us no good. We already knew as much, and I ain’t ’bout to step out on just ‘I think’ kinda stuff.”
“Yeah, Peg, you’re right, but at least we know for sure he’s a crook,” I said.
“Listen, boys, spending a few months in reform school sure beats gettin’ killed. I’d leave that sorry doctor alone. He’ll get his sooner or later.”
Lyin' Like a Dog, The Yankee Doctor, The Danged Swamp! 3-Volume set Page 30