“Baby, can you think of anything else? I know it’s difficult for you. It’s hard for all of us, but you need to think real hard. If you can remember anything else, you need to tell the detective.”
“I don’t remember anything else, Daddy, I don’t. Honestly, I don’t.” Unable to look into her father’s eyes for a moment longer, Hope buried her head into his abdomen. Needing to sever the connection their eye contact even though she didn’t truly understand the way she was feeling. It was as though he was looking into the deepest recesses of her soul and finding her wanting.
M.J. was dead, and she didn’t want to be gone as well. She was Daddy’s beautiful little girl. That’s what he always said. That’s what she needed to be. Her truth as she spoke it would allow her to keep the father she wanted and discard the one she didn’t.
Hope was unsure how it happened. But the detectives were gone. All the strangers were gone. Her grandparents who had arrived earlier were asleep, and she was in bed, but sleep eluded her. Although tired, she fought the slumber that tried to pull her into restfulness. It was at this time, when the house was quiet, and all that could be heard was the creaking of the old house as it moved against the elements that buffeted it; it was in the night’s stillness that she learned what adults tried to keep from her.
Creeping out of her room, Hope moved on noiseless feet towards her parents’ bedroom.
“I’m going to ask you again, Taryn, what was he doing here?”
“I don’t know, for the last time, I don’t know!”
“Why did you let him in?”
“I told you, I couldn’t stop him, I tried, but he just pushed past me.”
“What were you both doing in the lounge?”
“For God’s sake, Mason, how many times are you going to ask me the same questions? How many times do I have to say the same thing! He was being his usual self, thinking he could take whatever he wants, whenever he wants. I was telling him for the last time that he couldn’t.”
“Are you sure about that, Taryn? Are you really sure about that? Think carefully before you answer.”
Hope couldn’t see her parents, but she could hear the shift in her father’s tone. It was as though his voice was hardening, becoming colder with each word that left his mouth. Moments passed with no response from her mother and Hope pressed her ear harder against the wooden panel that separated them from her. The silence had continued for so long, Hope was almost ready to give up and return to her room when she again heard her mother’s voice.
“I don’t know what you want from me, Mason. I don’t know what you want me to say that will make you believe me.”
“I want to know why you were ensconced in a room with my cousin, the father of your daughter, while my son was dying alone, his lungs filling up with water, suffocating him... drowning him. What were you doing while his little mind was crying out for his mother? When he needed you, Taryn... he needed you, and you weren’t there! So I want to know what the hell you were doing while all that was happening. I want to know!”
“Stop it, don’t you say those things to me, don’t you dare say them to me! He was my son too. I loved my baby too.”
“Sure you did. You loved him so much that you left him alone, and now he’s dead!”
“I’m sorry... I’m so sorry. I would do anything to have him back, to change what happened. But I can’t and until the day I die, I will have to live with that.”
Hope could hear that her mother was sobbing and felt a funny little hitch in her chest. Unaware of her own tears, she continued to listen, wishing, hoping that her father would stop her mother from crying.
“You can stop your pathetic tears because I don’t give a damn about them. I’ve given you every opportunity to tell me what happened in that room, and you continue to lie to me. I know, Taryn. I know what you were both doing in there while M.J. was dying. Hope told the police about how you were both on the couch, your hand on the front of his pants, how he jerked and then got up. I suppose you’re going to deny it, call your daughter a liar.”
“No, she’s not lying, but it’s not what it seemed.”
“Too late, Taryn. You should have told me about that little detail before I heard it from Hope, before I confronted you with the truth!”
“Please, let me explain.” Taryn pleaded with her husband.
“Explain what? That you’re a faithless bitch who was jerking off my cousin while my son was dying!”
“That’s not what happened.”
“Oh, so your daughter’s a liar now is she?”
“Yes... no, of course she’s...”
“Yes, no. It seems to me your version of the truth is somewhat skewed. Is that what all this drinking is about, Taryn? Is this your attempt at drowning out what you’ve done? Or are you about to tell me again that you took every precaution to keep my son safe, and it’s Hope’s fault he’s dead?”
“Yes... no.”
“Yes... no.” Mason mimicked Taryn’s words, and although only eight years old, Hope understood at least the concept of contempt, which she could hear dripping from his mockery of her mother.
“Stop it, you’re confusing me.”
“No, my dear, I’m not the one confusing you, that would be the drink!”
“Mason...”
“Do us all a service, Taryn, put the glass down and go to sleep. My son has only been dead for a day and already you’re finding solace in that glass. I for one don’t think I can stand looking at your drunk ass a moment longer.”
After a few moments, Hope heard the closing of a door that she surmised was that of the bathroom. Waiting for a few more seconds, she realized that she would hear no more that night.
Once again on silent feet she retraced her steps and crawled under her comforter. Curling her thin body into a ball, Hope ran the words she had just heard around in her mind attempting to make sense of such a very adult conversation. There was much she didn’t understand, but the thought that refused to leave her was her mother’s confusion surrounding who was responsible for M.J.’s death. Did her mother blame her?
Chapter 20
Hope’s maternal grandmother was the one who came to get her up the next morning. After her bath and while she was pulling on the last of her clothes, Hope made a decision. Needing answers she decided to ask a question that had always bothered her.
“Why do I call you Nim?”
Her grandmother stopped folding her nightdress and looked over at her with a smile. Hope had always loved this woman who seemed to smile all the time. If Estelle Weston wasn’t smiling, she was humming a tune under her breath, which was exactly what she had been doing when Hope interrupted her in mid flow.
“Well now, that’s a good question, Miss Hope, but one that I can’t answer.”
“Why not?”
“I can’t answer your question because only you know the why of it.”
“Me?”
“Yes, you. One day when you were very little you just started calling me Nim. When we asked you why, you just laughed and started rolling on the floor as if we had just asked you the funniest question in the whole world.”
“How old was I?”
“As well as I can remember, you were about three.” Estelle said with a smile, her face creasing with memories of that day.
“Can I ask you another question?”
“Yes, you may ask me another question.” Estelle said, gently correcting her granddaughter’s grammar.
“What does jerking off mean?”
Hope knew that the question would elicit a reaction, but she was unprepared for the response she received. Her grandmother just stood looking at her with her mouth hanging open in shock.
“Don’t you know, Nim?”
“Hope Estelle Richards, where on earth did you hear such a thing?”
Lowering her chin into her chest, Hope bowed her head and remained silent.
“I’m waiting on you, Miss Hope, and girl, don’t let me have to repeat myself!”
“I heard Daddy say it to Mama last night.” Hope mumbled, wishing she hadn’t asked, knowing that once Nim started asking questions she wouldn’t stop until she had wrung every last answer from her.
“Last night when?”
“When they were in their room.”
“Were you listening at doors again, Hope?”
“Yes.” Hope whispered.
“I beg your pardon?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“How many times have I spoken to you about listening at doors?” Estelle, didn’t wait for a reply, she just kept going with her admonition of Hope’s nocturnal behavior. “Little girls only need to know what they need to know, and nothing more!”
“Yes, Nim.” Hope said, feeling ashamed that she was somewhat diminished in the eyes of her grandmother.
“Baby, I love you very much, and I’m glad you remember our pact; no secrets. I always want you to remember that you can come and talk to me whenever you have a need.” As she spoke, Estelle, placed the folded nightgown on top of the dresser and took a seat beside Hope on the lace covered bed. Lifting Hope’s chin, Estelle looked deeply into her eyes and smiled, and Hope felt a lessening of the sting of the words that had been directed at her.
With the touch of Estelle’s arms, Hope immediately felt the depth of her grandmother’s love wrapping her up in a tight cocoon, and burrowed into her arms. Closing her eyes, Hope pulled in Estelle’s familiar scent, experiencing her first real sense of security that could only be found in the familiar, a feeling that she hadn’t known had been missing since the death of her brother.
Disentangling Hope’s arms from around her, Estelle again raised her chin as her eyes roamed over her face. Whatever she saw there gave her pause. Seeming to come to a conclusion, Estelle placed a kiss on Hope’s forehead before she spoke.
“I can’t answer your question, Hope.” Estelle said, breaking the silence.
“Don’t you know what it means, Nim?”
“Oh, I know what it means, little girl, but you don’t need to. Come ask me again when you’re grown, then I’ll answer. Although I suspect you’ll know the answer to the question long before that if the world keeps changing the way it is.”
Hope had no idea what her grandmother was talking about, and although she wanted an answer, she knew when to leave a subject alone with this woman.
“Hungry?” Estelle asked.
Although she wasn’t, Hope pulled up a smile and nodded her head. Rising from the bed, Estelle took hold of Hope’s hand as they both made their way out the room.
Hope had only been testing the water with Nim. Although she had wanted to know the meaning of her father’s accusation of her mother, that had not been her ultimate goal. What she had really wanted to know was whether her grandmother also thought she was responsible for the death of her brother. But now the question would have to remain buried within her. Hope was frightened, what if this honest woman also thought M.J.’s death was her fault?
Breakfast that morning was a somber affair. Estelle and Hope were only joined by Donald and Mary Richards, Mason’s parents. Relations between Nim and her other grandmother had always been frosty, and today was no different. In fact if such a thing were possible, it was worse.
Having no appetite to begin with, Hope sat with her food untouched, dividing her attention between those at the table and watching the door for the appearance of her parents.
Although she was young, she recognized from a very early age that her paternal grandmother had little time for her. She hadn’t understood why until she had come to realize the circumstances of her birth. She shared no blood tie to her, and Hope now understood why she had favored M.J. so much more than her. She understood, but it still hurt.
“Hope!”
The calling of her name broke Hope out of her reverie with a start. Her grandmother Mary’s tone with that one word was enough to demonstrate her dissatisfaction with her.
“Yes, ma’am?”
“I am sick and tired of watching you push food around that plate. Eat it, and I mean all of it! There are some children alive who would love to have what you have... so eat it!”
“Mary, for God’s sake, leave the girl alone!” Donald Richards told his wife through tight lips.
“Don’t think to tell me what I may or not say, Donald Richards, don’t you dare. My grandson is dead because of that woman and her...”
The sound of a hand striking the table with so much force it rattled the crockery made Hope jump even as tears sprung to her eyes.
“Let me tell you something, lady. You had better consider long and hard before the next word leaves your mouth.”
The tears pooling in Hope’s eyes hung on her lower eyelid but didn’t fall. Nim was in full flow, and she was a force to be reckoned with.
“How dare you speak to me like this in my son’s house!” Mary flung right back at her, jumping to her feet as she clutched the edge of the table, her anger causing her to sway from side to side.
“Mary, calm down.” Donald said as he tried again to get through to his enraged wife.
“Lady, right now I don’t care whose house you think this is. If you say another word against my girls, I’m going to light a fire under your uppity behind that you’ll remember every time you exhale!”
“At least I’m alive to exhale. My grandson is dead because of that tramp of a daughter of yours!”
Hope couldn’t remember seeing anyone move so fast. In a flash Nim was on her feet, napkin bunched and thrown onto her plate, heading in Mary’s direction. “That’s it, I warned you and your big mouth–”
“That’s enough!”
All eyes turned towards the door where Mason was standing, fury written across his face. “The only person who will raise their voice in this house is me. If for any reason, any of you can’t abide by that, then you can all get out!”
“Mason, baby. I’m sorry. Mama didn’t mean anything by it.”
“For God’s sake Mother, I’m a grown ass man, do not speak to me as though I’m a child!”
Rather than helping the situation, Mary’s simpering words seemed to enrage Mason even more.
“Mason, baby...”
“Mary, leave the boy alone.” Donald said, trying again to rein in his headstrong wife.
“Don’t even think about trying to tell me what to do, Donald Richards. Your grandson is dead, and all you can think to say is ‘Mary, leave the boy alone!’ Why are you even here, Donald?”
“I said that’s enough!” Casting his eyes over all the adults in the room, Mason’s regard came to rest on Hope. “Go to your room, Hope.”
“Daddy...”
“Do not argue with me, go to your room and stay there.”
Knowing that whatever she had to say to her father wouldn’t be heard, Hope got up from the table ready to do as she had been told.
“Wait for me, baby. I’ll come keep you company.” Estelle called after the dejected figure the child presented.
“Estelle, I would prefer if you remained here. I would like to speak with all of you.” Regarding Hope again, Mason again told her to go to her room. Giving Nim one last look, Hope knew what she was thinking. She was warning her to do as she had been told and not to linger outside the door listening to a conversation conducted by adults.
With an almost imperceptible nod of her head, Hope gave her grandmother an assurance that she would do as she had been told.
**********
The knock on her bedroom door came moments before it was pushed open, and her father entered. He brought with him a solemn look that immediately set Hope’s nerves on edge. Somehow she knew that the conversation they were about to have was because Nim had spoken to him about their conversation of earlier.
In all the world, Nim was the one person she trusted above all others. If she had spoken to her father about their conversation, Hope knew that she had done it for a good reason.
“Did Nim tell you?”
“Yes she did.”
“Yes, I am.” Mason said, coming to join her on the window seat that overlooked the side of the house. It was one of Hope’s favorite places. Their house was the last house on the lot and she could see over into the park where her mother sometimes had taken her and M.J. to play with the other neighborhood kids. She could see them now, but they were too far away for her to make out if any of her friends was there.
“Are you going to punish me?” Hope asked, her gaze still focused on the park.
“Look at me, Hope.” Waiting until he had her complete attention, Mason continued to speak. “What do you want to know?”
Hope decided not to pose the same question she had asked Nim. That wasn’t actually the part of the overheard conversation that she needed an answer to. Yet something within her hesitated. Her father had never given her any reason to doubt him, but for a little while something stayed her tongue. Somehow she knew that once the question was asked it couldn’t be recalled. But that wasn’t what really terrified her. Taking a deep breath, Hope looked deeply into the eyes of the man she had always thought of as her father with a perfect trust. The type of trust that only a little girl who idolized her father was willing to give. A trust that her daddy would tell her the truth.
“Does Mommy think I killed M.J.?”
Hope could see the shock register on Mason’s face, but she also saw something else. If she had been older, she might have understood the look for what it was, it was calculation. The weighing up of what the answer to her question would mean. Seeming to make up his mind, Hope watched as Mason gathered both her small hands in his and briefly closed his eyes, as though carefully contemplating the formation of his words.
“Yes... I’m sorry, Hope, but your mother thinks you’re to blame for your brother’s drowning.”
Chapter 21
Present day
“You told me that you hadn’t heard what had been said. That’s what you told the police and me the day they interviewed you.” Mason said, her words riveting his attention.
“I know. But I heard him say that I was his daughter. That he had her first, and I didn’t want it to be true.”
The Ties that Bind (Kingdom) Page 15