Nodding, Tonya said, “My heart hurt for Gwen, but other than suggesting she try to get him to AA, I had no idea what to do other than just be a listening ear. Your parents weren’t involved in any of the activities that we were and I hardly saw them together.”
“I’m sure you were helpful.”
“I don’t know,” Tonya said, as more regret passed through her eyes. “The times I saw your dad, and I only saw him when he was sober, he was such a pleasant man. And I know that no one on the outside can know exactly what was happening. I don’t know how much you knew, but it seems as though you were very aware of the problems.”
“I knew things weren’t right, but Dad was so loveable, it was hard for me to understand why Mom was so upset with him all the time. I was too young to completely understand their problems.” Looking at Tonya, she said, “But I get the feeling there’s more.”
Sighing, Tonya said, “Madelyn, my husband is right. The only two people who can tell you exactly what was happening are your mom and dad and, of course, he can’t tell you anymore—”
“But, he is,” she interrupted. “After we left, Dad joined AA and his counselor encouraged him to keep a journal…letters to me, actually. I’ve been reading them.”
Tonya’s eyes went wide at that proclamation.
“It’s just that what Mom always told me isn’t aligning with what Dad wrote. He says that he was talking to Mom and that she promised we would be a family again. But, she always told me that he didn’t want any relationship with us.”
Tonya took another sip of tea before saying, “I’m sure it was difficult for your mom to know what to tell you, but I wish she had been honest with your dad. Once she met Saul, I think she was ready to leave Baytown and just start over with him.”
Her brow creased, she said, “Saul? But she didn’t meet him until we moved to North Carolina.” She watched Tonya’s eyebrows rise in surprise, her mouth opening, but nothing coming out.
24
Madelyn focused on Tonya’s wide-eyes and her heart squeezed as a new reality pressed on her chest. “She knew Saul when she was here…married to my dad.”
Tonya pinched her lips together and shook her head. “Oh, my dear, I’m beginning to think this is a bad idea. You should really talk to your mother—”
“No. I mean, I will later.” Swallowing hard, she said, “I’m not asking you for all the details…I just want to know what you know. I realize that you can’t tell me what was going on with Mom from her perspective, but you can tell me what you know. Please…I’m so tired of the subterfuge. I’m twenty-eight years old and feel like so much of what I know is wrong.”
Leaning forward, taking her hands in her own, Tonya’s face filled with concern. “I wish I could tell you that I was a perfect friend to your mother, but I’m afraid that wasn’t the case.” Sitting back, she said, “You mother kept Saul a secret for a while, but one day, she called me and asked if I would come over. Once there, she told me that she had met a man who made her feel safe…secure. She never meant for it to happen, but they fell in love. She wanted to know what I thought she should do. I told her that she needed to stop the affair…if she wanted to divorce Lenny, then do that first and then have a new relationship as a free woman.” Sighing, she said, “I know I sounded judgmental, but it was just how I felt. I know Lenny’s alcoholism was hard to live with, and it wasn’t difficult to see how she would yearn for a better relationship. But, it seemed so wrong for her to be sneaking behind his back. To be honest, I hoped that if she talked to your father and told him that she was going to ask for a divorce, it would shock him into going to AA and then they could stay together. Or, he would continue to drink and she would be vindicated in going through with the divorce.”
“But she didn’t,” Madelyn said, sadness in her words.
“I don’t know for sure, but she indicated to me that she wouldn’t. In fact, she was very angry that I wasn’t completely on board with her plans. We had some words…not very kind words, and she said that if I couldn’t be a supportive friend, then I had no place in her life.”
“Oh, wow.” Shaking her head, she had no other response.
“That was about fifteen years ago and I was younger, less touched by life. I walked out of your parents’ house and never went back. I regret that, more than you can know. Within the year, I heard that you and your mom had moved away. I didn’t know where, but I confess to calling the office where Saul used to work and was told he left his job and moved away also. I figured then that she and he had gone together and taken you with them.”
“And my dad?”
“I went by once…I’m not even sure why, but Lenny met me at the door and had been drinking. He wasn’t mean, but he was angry. Said that Gwen wasn’t there and he had no idea where she was. That was the last time I saw him. By then, my Philip had been killed in service and I never really thought about Lenny after that.”
Blowing out her breath in a long, slow stream, she set her tea cup on the table and fell back against the cushions of the sofa. The silence in the room gave her thoughts a chance to swirl before settling into place.
“Things make more sense now…and yet, it just brings up more questions,” she said. “I remember thinking at the time, that Mom choose North Carolina to be closer to her folks, but we didn’t see them that often. I remember her not waiting long before she introduced her new friend, Saul, to me. I never saw them as anything but friends for a long time…they were careful to not show any romantic inclinations but then, after we had been there almost two years, she announced that she was getting married. I knew she filed for divorce the year before, but since Dad didn’t want anything to do with me, I was filled with teenage anger, and was just glad Mom had someone nice to be with.”
She looked over at Tonya, seeing sympathy in her eyes, and said, “But why would she lie? Why would she not tell Dad she wanted a divorce? Why would she tell him that they could be together when she was with someone else?”
“Oh, sweetie, I have no idea about that. Maybe she felt desperate? That can drive people to do irrational things. But, I know that she is the only person that can give you that information.”
Confusion morphed into anger as the realization struck her that her mother’s lies caused her to miss out on the last fourteen years of her father’s life. His presence in her life. Sucking in a shuddering breath, she stood quickly. “Thank you for talking to me, Tonya. You’ve helped me tremendously.”
Standing, Tonya grasped her hands. “I hope I haven’t made things worse.”
“No, no. Not at all. While there’s still a lot to learn, I feel better knowing that it does seem that Dad didn’t reject me.”
“Madelyn, you were loved by both your parents. Each of them had their flaws, as do we all, but remember they both loved you.”
Nodding, she forced a tremulous smile on her lips before stepping out into the cloudy day. The grey skies matched her mood.
Zac sat in the counselor’s office, noting how much neater it appeared than his. He wondered if Charles hid his mess behind his desk. Dragging his attention back to the current topic, he sighed heavily. He had already talked about his mother’s cancer, death, subsequent swooping in of his friends’ parents, his dad’s drinking, and now had come to the final part of his tale. Before he spoke again, Charles interjected.
“You’ve given me a great deal of background, Zac, and I’m impressed with how you have handled it all.”
Shrugging, Zac said, “I missed my mom…I still miss my mom. I would have given anything to not have lost her at such an early age, but I was surrounded by such loving, supportive people that managed to help take care of me and raise me. But it was more. Talking to you has brought up memories that I hadn’t really thought of. Like how Nancy Evans always found time to talk to me, just one on one, and she made me feel like I could say anything to her. Sometimes I would talk about Mom…sometimes cry…sometimes, we’d just share cookies and I felt better. Corrine MacFarlane always had me
over for lunch after church on Sundays, and I was just part of their big, loud family, not feeling like I was the odd one out.”
“Counselors call those people ‘resources’. I always try to get my clients to identify their resources and use them as they are needed.”
Nodding, Zac smiled. “My girlfriend and I were just talking about that. She said I had used my resources to fill in the gaps my mom left behind. And while it’s not a complete substitute, it was healthy.”
“Your girlfriend sounds like she knows what she’s talking about.”
“She should. She’s a counselor.” Seeing Charles’ eyes widen, he explained how Madelyn was now staying in town and had been a counselor in North Carolina.
“Tell her to come in, if she’s looking for a job. We are desperate for another counselor.” Shaking his head, he said, “But I digress. You were going to tell me more about your dad.”
“Yeah,” he nodded. “About a month before I graduated from high school, Dad fell asleep with a cigarette in his hand. It fell onto the carpet and smoldered. The carpet caught on fire, but not with huge flames. Instead it smoked like crazy and Dad died of smoke inhalation quickly. By the time the neighbor saw smoke coming from an open window and the fire department got there, the flames were just starting but my dad was already dead.”
Shaking his head, Charles said, “And you continued with your plans to join the Navy?”
“No reason not to.”
Silence filled the office, before Zac said, “I was angry with my dad for a long time. Not just when he died, but when he mourned mom so much that he forgot he had a son. When he grieved by looking through the end of a beer bottle and forgot to look at the son left behind. Honestly, when he died, I felt a sense of relief.” Sighing, he asked, “What does that say about me?”
“It says you’re normal.” At Zac’s head jerk, Charles continued, “Your father had an illness but he also let that illness interfere with his ability to raise his son. You were fortunate to have such a supportive extended family in all the others in town who stepped in to assist. But, it is true…your father let you down.”
Nodding slowly, he silently agreed, feeling the guilt ease off his heart. “I loved Dad. By the time I had served six years, I had seen a lot more of the world that existed outside of Baytown. I realized that there are many flawed people, many reprehensible and, while my dad was drunk most of the time, his heart was in the right place.”
“You mentioned that you wanted to take the position of Rescue Captain instead of Fire Chief. Is this somehow tied into your feelings about your dad?”
Rubbing his hand over the back of his neck, he grimaced while shaking his head slowly. “I’ve always been interested in firefighting. I was a teen volunteer with the Baytown Fire Department. When I talked to the Navy recruiter, I wanted to join them as a firefighter. My dad’s death came after that, so it’s not like I went into firefighting as a result of his death. And when I moved back to Baytown, I jumped at the chance to be the Fire Chief and also head of their rescue service. To give back to the town that helped raise me has been what I’ve always wanted to do.”
“It sounds like lifesaving is in your blood,” Charles noted.
Nodding, he agreed. “I think that perhaps I never properly mourned my dad’s death because the truth of the matter is that I lost him a long time before that.” Leaning back in his seat, he looked at Charles and said, “I just never thought of it that way.”
Shaking Charles’ hand, he set his next appointment with the receptionist before leaving. Running to his truck in the rain, he decided to find Madelyn, desiring to let her know that the clinic definitely wanted to talk to her about a possible job. Things are looking up, he thought with a grin on his face.
“Things are so messed up,” Madelyn cried, tears flowing freely as Zac entered her house. He enveloped her in his arms, pressing her face to his chest, feeling her tears wet his shirt almost immediately.
“Babe, what’s wrong?” Remembering she was going to meet with Tonya Bayles, he ushered her to the sofa, pulling her down onto his lap, cuddling her close. Holding her for a few minutes, he tried to offer comfort, allowing her to cry. When her sobs turned into hiccups, he wiped her tears with the pads of his fingers. “Please, sweetheart, you’re scaring me. Can you tell me what happened?”
Leaning back, Madelyn felt foolish and grabbed a tissue from the box on the end table, wiping her eyes and nose. Blowing out a cleansing breath, she began to tell Zac what Tonya knew about her parents.
As she came to the end of her tale, she sucked in a shuddering breath and whispered, “For fourteen years, I thought my mom left my dad because of his drinking. But instead, she met Saul and they kept it quiet for years until she could divorce dad and they could get married. All these years, they lied to me.”
She jumped up from his lap and stood in the middle of the room, her hands spread out to the side. “And this…all this mess I just cleaned up, didn’t have to be this way. Dad’s loneliness for the past half of my life didn’t have to be that way. My relationship with my dad for all these years…which was non-existent, didn’t have to be that way.” Clenching her hands into fists, her face twisted in anger, she said, “Her lies changed the lives of all of us.”
Unsure what to say, Zac stood and placed his hands on her shoulders, drawing her close again, feeling her body tremble as she encircled his waist with her arms. “I have no idea what to say, Maddie. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It seems as though you can’t get over one hit before taking another. Are you going to talk to your mom about all this? Find out her side of the story?”
She nodded, but whispered, “I don’t know when. Right now, all I want to do is stay here and be with you.”
They stood in silence in the middle of the room, he offering comfort and she accepting all he had to give.
25
Madelyn stared at her phone for several minutes, her thumb hovering over the call button. Finally, steeling her spine, she hit dial. Zac had encouraged her to wait until she was calm before calling her mom and she had agreed. That was why it was now, later in the evening, that she had decided to take the plunge.
Her mother picked up on the second ring. “Madelyn, honey, I’m glad you called. Have you decided when you’re coming home?”
Letting out a slow breath, she replied, “I’m not coming back, Mom. There’s a lot I want to do here.”
“Like what?”
She could hear the irritation in her mother’s voice and grimaced. “I want to see if I can find out more about the area I grew up in. I’ve met so many wonderful people here…people here who have been very kind to me during this difficult time. One in particular…you might remember her. Her daughter and I played when we were little.”
“Oh…uh…who is that?”
“Tonya. Tonya Bayles.” Silence met her ears, so she plunged on. “It seems she remembers you. Remembers you very well. All about you.”
“Oh, Madelyn,” her mother said, her voice now soft.
“Mom, she told me that you met Saul there. On top of the journals Dad kept where he said he talked to you and thought we were going to be a family, it appears that you’ve done a lot of lying to me for most of my life—”
“No…not lies. Not everything. Honey, you need to let me explain—”
“No, Mom, I don’t. I don’t need to let you do anything. Maybe someday. Maybe later. But right now, I’m planning on staying here. I’ve met someone special and I’ve made friends, and now I’m going to interview for a job here as well.”
For once her mom did not try to talk her out of anything. Instead, she said, “Madelyn, I’m so sorry you’re finding things out this way. But there is so much you don’t know. At least give me a chance to explain. I love you so much.” Her mother’s voice broke with a sob.
“I love you too, Mom,” she whispered, her heart aching. “I just need some time right now.” Disconnecting, she dropped her phone into her lap.
Staring ar
ound the living room of her dad’s house, the emptiness appeared stark. David had taken all of the antiques and other items to be auctioned back to his warehouse. She had gotten rid of all of the trash, leaving only the barest of furnishings. She had kept the sofa and one end table with a lamp in the room. The dining room was empty and the kitchen only held a small table with two chairs. Upstairs, she had him take the furniture from her dad’s room, leaving only the furniture in her bedroom. The pieces that she planned on keeping were in a storage facility in town.
She was showing the house to a realtor the next day and hoped it sold quickly. But then where will I live? I surely can’t live with Zac in the firehouse!
“Where are we going?”
“I thought you needed a night out. Away from your dad’s house, away from the firehouse, and away from anything negative.”
Madelyn looked out the window as they pulled up to the Sunset View Restaurant near the marina. “Oh, I’ve never been here.” She glanced at his khakis and navy shirt with the sleeves rolled up on his forearms and looked down at her dark jeans and asked, “Am I dressed properly?”
Laughing, Zac said, “Babe, this is Baytown…anything goes.”
Glad she had chosen a light green, jersey wrapped shirt to dress up her jeans, she alighted from his truck once he opened the door for her. Entering, she was pleased to see that the dress code was casual. They followed the hostess to a table by the window overlooking the bay and the timing was perfect for watching the sun set. “Oh, the name for this restaurant is perfect,” she gushed.
As she sipped wine and they waited for their appetizers, she caught him staring at her. Dabbing her mouth with a napkin, she whispered, “Do I have something on my face?”
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