by Destiny Webb
“I’m sorry. I just…can’t,” he called back from the shore to what I’m sure was a dumbfounded look on my face as I continued to hover in the water. “I would love to; I just can’t.”
Chapter Thirteen
I would love to; I just can’t.
What was wrong with me? How could I be so stupid?
The woods were quiet as I walked through them alone. After he got out of the water, Sean left me at the picnic site. Not wanting to run into him on the way, I laid in the sun on the grass, drying off. I tried to forget his words as I soaked in the sun, but despite my best efforts, they haunted me.
I would love to; I just can’t. I would love to; I just can’t.
Now, here I was, stranded, by myself, in the middle of the woods with my stupid thoughts. I couldn’t help but think of how I could have changed things. How could I have possibly made it better? I thought the day was going perfectly…everything it could possibly be, and then some. I thought that Sean had felt that too.
I guess I was wrong.
As I made my way back to the cabin, I was careful not to trip on the rocks of the creek. I didn’t want to have to crawl back if I maimed myself. Through all my wandering, I still had found no sanity, no small glimmer of hope to ease my troubled mind. I sat down on one of the rocks and tried not to cry. The embarrassment of throwing myself at him was overwhelming. I don’t know what I had expected to happen.
That was a lie. I did know. I knew exactly what I expected to happen. I expected him to kiss me back and then everything would be okay. I expected a kiss that would change the game, a kiss to somehow make him mine.
I would love to; I just can’t.
His words stung through to my heart. I closed my eyes, took in a deep breath, and tried to clear my head. I ran through everything again and again. When I finally sighed and opened my eyes, there was a small squirrel sitting on the rock in front of me.
“Why is it that every time I try to go out on a limb, the branch falls out from underneath me?” I asked the squirrel. She tilted her head at me quizzically. “Seriously…boys. They are the stupidest things on earth. You think you know what they want. Then, like a flip of a coin, they change their minds, leaving you heartbroken and depressed, and in need of a tub of freaking ice cream!”
I watched as the squirrel turned and ran up the tree, leaving me all by myself. I looked up to where it perched, a male squirrel sitting next to it. Of course. Even the stupid squirrel had somebody to love.
Did I really just pour out my heart to a squirrel? Seriously? I needed a life.
I got up off the rock, over my pathetic behavior, and made my way back to the cabin. As I walked into the open area in front of the cabin, I noticed my quiet surroundings. Everything was still…it was almost eerie. I started down to the path and slipped on a rock, disturbing the quiet peace with my loud yelp.
I lifted my head up from the ground slightly, checking to make sure no one saw me fall. I laid my head back on the ground, looking to my left towards the lake. From there, I could see the smallest sliver of water. It looked really blue. Maybe I’ll go down to the lake today.
I turned my head to the right, looking the other way, up towards the cabin. I was startled by the figure standing in the doorway staring at me. I got up quickly and wiped myself off before storming inside the house. I saw Mrs. W sitting in the chair in the corner of the family room, reading, and my mom was in the kitchen. Charles and Mr. W were in the room at the end of the hall playing cards, or cribbage, or whatever it was that old men played.
I could feel Sean following me. I stopped abruptly in front of the pantry and he ran into me.
“What the —?”
I shushed him and pulled him into the pantry, closing the door behind us. He pulled the overhead light on and light flooded the short area.
“Why are we in the pantry?” he asked me quietly.
“What is your problem?” I whispered heatedly. “You’ve been all into me and then, when I actually throw myself at you, you flip out like some scared little girl. Why are you dancing around the bush like we’re playing tag or something? We’re not five years old anymore, Sean. Grow up. Be a man. Make a decision. I’m sick of this little game you’re playing. Either you want me or you don’t. Which is it?”
Defiantly, I stared at him as he gazed back at me, and then, just like that, we were going at it. His lips were on mine, stopping me from saying anything. His hands were on the sides of my face, holding me to him. Gripping him tightly, I placed my hands on his hips. Suddenly, I was in his arms, my legs against his sides, and he was holding me up by my bottom. He bit my lower lip gently, tugging it back. I weaved my fingers through his hair, pulling slightly. Pressing his lips against mine, he rested against the door, sliding us to the floor. As I sat on his lap, he slid his hands to my sides, holding me tight. Pressing my chest against his, he sat up, pushing back against my lips. Leaning into him, I wrapped my arms around his neck. Pulling me with him, he sat back against the door quickly. The next thing I knew, the door was giving out behind us and we were tumbling straight into the hallway.
Sean looked past me with an expression of horror. I slowly turned around, expecting to see the worst, Tasha. Instead, I found my mother staring down at me with the very same expression of horror mixed with a tad bit of amusement.
“You know,” she smirked, “when I was a kid, we used to hide in cars.”
She stepped over the two of us and grabbed a couple of cans of corn before walking away, leaving us in the middle of the hall. Horrified, I jumped up, fixing my hair. Sean got up slower, more reserved. Trying to put myself back together, I methodically smoothed my hair. Worried by potential consequences, I glanced down the hall to check and see if Charles or Mr. W had seen anything, but they were still laughing away, unaware that anything had happened.
“Uhh, I don’t know what came over me. I apologize for my rash behavior.” Trying to collect myself, I looked to the floor and back up at him unemotionally. I was quiet, the words inaudible and barely coming out of my mouth. Uncomfortable, I bit the inside of my cheeks as I felt the blood rush to them. Embarrassment flooded my body. I had to get away from him.
“Yeah. You’re right. Completely irrational.”
We sounded like business people going over the downfall of a company. We stood there awkwardly, him shuffling his feet, me rubbing my arms, both looking away from each other.
“I should get going. I have things to do today.” I said calmly.
“Yeah, of course. Don’t let me keep you.”
He stepped out of my way, opening up my path into the hallway. I walked past him coolly. Keeping my composure, I made my way upstairs to my bedroom, shutting the door behind me as I entered the room. I glanced around the room quickly and checked the bathroom to see if anyone was around. Once I reassured myself that no one was there, I jumped and danced for joy.
Chapter Fourteen
After I got over the excitement of the morning, I cozied up on my bed and started reading. It ended up being a quiet afternoon. Cassie and Sarah moseyed in and out of the room, neither of them saying much. Well, Cassie said nothing to me at all; I was still clueless as to what her problem was. I considered telling Sarah about what happened between me and Sean, but I decided against it, wanting to keep it a secret all to myself.
Cara had called earlier, chatting and telling me about Chad. Apparently, he was the “greatest guy and has the cutest laugh. Not to mention he is the best kisser!” She laughed and giggled like she did any time a boy struck her fancy. It was rather cute and endearing. It had been a trait of hers since we were in the seventh grade. Usually though, she lost interest after a couple of weeks, at most a few months. She’d never had a serious relationship in her life, just a string of “could be’s.” qct
After we hung up, my phone was completely silent. The day went by without a sound except for the sound of the turning of the pages. So, when my phone vibrated I was startled. And when I looked at the screen I was even m
ore surprised that it was Lance.
Hey :]
In all honesty, I hadn’t given much thought to Lance at all since I’d sent him that text message the previous night. In fact, I didn’t think I had given him any thought at all. All the excitement with Sean had left little room for thoughts of anything else. I felt a twinge of guilt that I was misleading him as I replied.
Welllll. Hi there.
What’re you up to?
Not much. Just readin.
Fun. Whatcha readin?
The Notebook.
Oh. Joy, he replied, obviously sarcastic.
Yeah. It’s good.
That’s good. Anyway. What’re you doing tonight?
My heart fluttered a little bit at the prospect of him asking me out again.
Not much. Why?
Wanna hang out?
Sure. What did you have in mind?
I sat there waiting. The phone seemed absurdly silent. I waited…and waited…and waited. Eventually, I started bouncing in anticipation. Maybe he was thinking up something really, really amazing. Or something that was romantic. Or elaborate. Or…or—the phone finally vibrated and I jumped.
Hadn’t got that far. Lol.
I sighed. Or he could just leave the thinking up to me. Boys. Getting up, I walked around the room. Tons of ideas ran through my head, but none held any real interest for me. I realized I didn’t really want elaborate, or amazing; I just wanted to hang out. To have fun, but not completely over the top. Standing by the window, I glanced outside and it hit me. A camp fire. Perfect!
Well…how about a campfire? We could get Chad and Cara and Brian and Alisha; and you and I can go collect some firewood beforehand.
That sounds great. What time?
Eeh! He said yes! Wooh! Go me! Ahh! I plopped myself down on the bed, wiggling happily. I took a deep breath and sent my reply.
7:30-8:00?
Alright. I’ll see you at your place?
I grinned big.
Yessir. =)
I’ll see you then. :]
See you then.
I called Cara and asked her if she was interested in having some kind of date night and she was totally down. I told her to get Alisha to come with Brian too. She said she would and that she would bring the s’mores fixings. I sighed happily, thinking about what I would wear and how I was going to do my hair as I picked up my book and settled down in anticipation.
***
I ended up in a pair of shorts and black and white layered tank tops with a pair of black vans. I had decided on wearing my hair back in a French braid with a small headband keeping my bangs out of my face. Keeping the makeup light, I only put on a little bit of cover up, eye shadow, and some lip-gloss. I put on a few rings and bracelets to liven up my outfit, and then I was ready to go.
Impatiently, I waited in the family room next to the front door. I was jittery and bouncy, fiddling with the bracelets on my left wrist. I looked down at my book. I had brought it downstairs with me to distract me from my nerves, but it was no use. I was past the point of help. Sarah walked past me on the way to the kitchen, stopping to look at me in my bouncy behavior.
“What’s up with you? Hot date tonight?” she chuckled lightly, leaning against the wall.
I blushed slightly, looking down at my shoes, then back up at her.
“Well, since you asked. I am kind of going out with Lance tonight.”
She looked slightly shocked. “Oh, wow, really?”
“Yes, really.”
“That’s good. I guess. What are you guys doing?” She seemed hesitant in her answer, like maybe there was something wrong with this picture. It unnerved me slightly.
“We’re having a campfire with Cara and Chad and Brian and Alisha. You’re more than welcome to come. I didn’t think about inviting you earlier. I’m sorry. It just kinda slipped.” I felt bad about leaving her out and forgetting about her. I hoped she didn’t take it too personally.
“Oh, no. Don’t worry about it. I am just gonna stay in tonight and relax. Maybe take a bath, read a few dirt magazines.” She saw the look of guilt on my face and smiled at me. “No. Really. I don’t mind, Sam. It’s alright. Go ahead and go have fun. But you do know that it’s not dark yet, right?”
“Yeah, I do. Lance and I are going to go collect firewood beforehand.”
“Ah. Alrighty then. Have fun I guess.” She turned and headed into the kitchen, leaving me feeling guilty, but not for leaving her out.
There she went with the “I guesses” again. It left me feeling off, like I was doing something wrong. In all reality, maybe I was doing something wrong. It didn’t feel too wrong though. I was all jumbled and confused. I muttered a short, sarcastic, “Thanks” under my breath and tried to sort through my thoughts.
I wasn’t given too much time to ponder it, because at that moment, my phone buzzed.
Hey. I’m outside. Are you ready?
I looked at him waiting by his quad and felt my heart flutter again. He was absolutely gorgeous, even if he was just in jeans, a plain old t-shirt, and a zip up hoody. My nerves abruptly calmed and I was completely excited for the night ahead of me.
Yeah. I’ll be right out.
He smiled when he saw me walk out the front door. I returned it gladly and bounced toward him. When I got to him, he leaned down slowly and grabbed my hand, kissing it softly, smiling against my skin.
“Where to, m’lady?” he asked in a very kind, gentleman-like voice. I beamed at him, laughing daintily.
“Well, kind sir, we would be off into the woods.” I pointed towards the woods with my free hand. He intertwined his fingers with mine and pulled me with him towards the trees.
“So, I hope that that wasn’t too corny or anything. I just kind of always wanted to do that to someone.” He glanced back at me as we walked through the trees picking up pieces of wood as we went. In fear that we would get lost out in the woods, I made sure we didn’t go too far in and that I could always see the campsite from where we were.
“No, it wasn’t. I actually thought that it was very cute. I thoroughly enjoyed it.” I bent down to pick up another piece, smiling up at him. We had kept the conversation light as we walked through the forest, talking about school, hobbies, favorite movies, and whatnot. He was a senior. He liked comedies, the stupid, funny ones. He surfed and played with his dog a lot. He was sweet.
But was he what I wanted?
Ever since my conversation with Sarah, I had been second-guessing my decision. Maybe I shouldn’t have said yes to Lance. Was that somehow betraying Sean? Sean had a girlfriend though; he was off the market, despite our few run-ins. So, I should have been completely free to see someone I liked. I heard Lance vaguely as he said something to me. Then he repeated himself, then again, a little bit louder, pulling me from my thoughts.
“Look. I can see the first star.” He balanced his pieces of wood in one arm to point up toward the darkening sky. My eyes followed in the direction he was pointing and sure enough, through the trees shone a bright little star in the dusk night.
“Did you ever use to wish upon the first star that you saw in the sky?” he asked me.
“Yeah, I did.” I smiled at that, pausing. “What did you use to wish for?”
“Most of the time, it was for something like a bike or board.”
I looked up at his hopeful face. He looked back at me briefly before looking back up at the star. He closed his eyes for the smallest fraction of a second before opening them back up and looking at me, obviously wishing for something.
“What did you wish for?” I asked him softly.
“Don’t you know that if I tell what I wish for it won’t come true? But, if you really wanna know, I guess I can tell you.” He looked back at me with softness in his eyes. “I wished that I could manage to get this gorgeous girl to kiss me.”
I blushed and glanced down slightly before gazing back into his eyes.
“And who would this gorgeous girl be? Should I be jealous?” I asked c
oyly.
He took a step towards me. “I think she knows who she is.”
Feeling flattered, I blushed a deeper red as he took another step towards me, tilting his head down close to mine, stopping barely in front of my lips. Yearning to kiss him, I leaned my head up to him and he closed the gap between us, kissing me softly. I kissed him back with gentleness so I could take everything in: the way his lips felt on mine, the cool summer night air, the stars starting to twinkle up in the sky. It was all wonderful. Sighing happily, I dropped the wood kindling in my arms and wrapped them around his neck as he kissed me with more passion. He dropped his too as he enveloped his long arms around my waist, pulling me close, wrapping us in an atmosphere of perfection.
Chapter Fifteen
“So, what did you use to wish for?”
It took me a second before I realized what he was talking about. We were picking up the dropped pieces of wood, and when I realized it, I sighed in realization.
“Ah. Well. Ummm.”
I picked up the last piece and stood up thinking. What did I used to wish for? And then, as if I ran into a brick wall, it hit me. All those years. All those years, I had wished that Sean would recognize me as more than just a friend. That he would notice me and maybe want to be with me. I felt that same pang of guilt that I’d felt when Sarah was talking to me earlier. It wasn’t about Sean, and me wronging him. It was about Lance, and the fact that it wasn’t fair to him that I had feelings for someone else.
“Ya’ know. The usual things. Clothes, toys, those kinds of things,” I said lightly, trying to hide the dismay I felt. With guilt rising in my gut, I pushed my epiphany deep down inside. I couldn’t deal with it right now. It was too late into our plans to come to a conclusion like that. Undoubtedly, I would have to deal with it later. It wouldn’t be fair to him.
He chuckled.
“I pretty much think that everyone wished that way.”