by Peak, Renna
2
None of this made any sense. It didn’t nine months ago, and it still didn’t.
Part of me wanted to return to my old life—the life I’d had before I’d even met Brandon. The life I had been so eager to shun didn’t seem so bad now. At least then, I hadn’t feared for my life. I hadn’t feared for his life, either. And there was something about being completely oblivious to what was going on around me that seemed almost nostalgic to me now.
Part of me still wished I was that naive girl he had met so many months ago. Part of me wished I could go back in time and avoid meeting him at all. But I knew it wouldn’t change anything—I’d still be a pawn in this game that I knew was a lot bigger than me. I would still be in danger and I wouldn’t have fallen in love. Remembering that I loved him had been the only thing that had gotten me through the last nine months.
I wanted to look him in the eye and ask him if anything I had learned was true. I wanted him to tell me his side of the story. I didn’t want to bury my head in the sand any longer. But I couldn’t do it. If the things I had learned about him over the last nine months were true, I knew it would be over. It was why I had wanted to run away from all of it—it was why I had agreed to leave with him. There was something inside of me that told me there had to be more to this story and I wanted to trust that. I wanted to trust my heart—I wanted to believe there was still an us.
Not a day had gone by in the past nine months that I hadn’t thought about him or thought about how I could contact him without getting us both in trouble—or worse, killed. Living like this had been the one of the hardest things I had ever done in my life. Hoping on one hand that he would find me—just like he had, but praying on the other that he would give up and let me go had definitely been the hardest. Blindly trusting the one person in the world I knew had never lied to me had been the only thing I had been able to rely on. She hadn’t steered me wrong before and she had been the one person in my life who had always told me the truth. Trusting Krystal had been my only choice when I found myself abandoned in the Montana wilderness.
I looked over at him again. I didn’t even know what I could say to him that would make him understand that I had honestly believed that my choice to live here—to be hidden away from him—had been the best thing for both of us. Krystal hadn’t told me everything—she said it was safer that way. If I didn’t know what my father and the Agostinos were doing, I couldn’t ever be accused of colluding with them when everything came crashing down. I only knew enough about that story to know that Brandon was involved. Very involved. It was all the other stuff that made me understand that my being around him put us both in danger. And yet, a huge part of me didn’t care. That part of me still wanted to leave—run away, bury my head in the sand again and pretend like none of this had ever happened. That was the part of me that wanted to say yes when he’d pulled out that ring. That was the part of me that wanted to figure out how to undo all of this—to go back to the way things had been before. I knew in my heart there had to be a way. There had to be some way we could still be together. Because even though I had told him that we would never have a happy ending—that the best we could hope for was being happy and apart—I didn’t believe it, either. I wanted the fairy tale. I wanted my own happily ever after with him.
My mind was racing, trying to figure out any possible way of getting out of this. If we had just been able to make it until dark, it might have worked. We might have actually been able to leave that town unnoticed and go somewhere—anywhere else. But there didn’t seem to be much likelihood of that happening now. It would take some miracle from above to be able to get out of going where I knew Cade was taking us—to Marian’s family compound. It wasn’t like we’d be prisoners there, but it would be too difficult to slip away. And I still wasn’t sure what she wanted with Brandon. She probably didn’t want anything to do with him—it wasn’t as though she hadn’t made that clear to me a dozen times before. This had to have gone through Krystal. I knew that when my boss at the motel had finally recognized Brandon and made the call, Krystal had to have been notified. But I was pretty sure she wasn’t in Maine—at least, not yet. There might still be a chance that we could slip away…
I closed my eyes and turned away again. I didn’t even know what to say to him—how to tell him I hadn’t given up hope that we might still have a chance to get away from this. I just didn’t want to give him or myself false hope that this would somehow work out. But I didn’t want to believe that it wouldn’t work out, either.
I rubbed at my forehead. I was going to drive myself insane with this line of thinking. The constant flip-flopping in my head was twisting my brain into a knot. I wanted to do what was right, but I wanted him. I wanted us to be together. I just wasn’t sure if I could have both—or if both things even existed. And I knew there was something immature in thinking about it like that—in not caring about the consequences. I knew I couldn’t choose to live how he did. I couldn’t just go work with him or work with my father. I knew I couldn’t live that way—doing the things they did for power or whatever reasons they told themselves they were doing them. I hadn’t even known that kind of life existed until I met him. I just hoped that he was here today because he felt the same way—that he’d give it all up to be with me the way I was willing to give up everything to be with him. I just wasn’t sure that there was even a way for him to give it all up at this point. He was in too deep. We both were.
“Just tell me, Jen. Just say it. Tell me whatever it is.”
I looked back over at him, almost sorry that darkness still hadn’t fallen. The sadness clouded in his eyes made my breath hitch in my chest. He was always so strong. He had always put up such a cast-iron front that it seemed like he would never be vulnerable. Not to his feelings, anyway.
I had to turn away again, my chest so tight with the guilt I was feeling. I was selfish. I knew I always had been, at least to a certain extent, but it hadn’t really occurred to me that he would be hurt like this. I hadn’t really considered it. I hadn’t really thought about how my disappearing act would affect him—I had only really thought about how his disappearance from the cabin that day had affected me.
“I’m sorry, Brandon.” I couldn’t even turn to face him—I just stared out the window. “If there had been a way to tell you, I would have done it.” I hated myself for this. I hated that I had hurt him by disappearing—I hated that I had made this decision. But I still knew that I had done it for the right reasons. I had done it for him. I had left my life to protect him, and I knew there was no way to make him understand.
He didn’t say anything, only pulled my hand into his. He traced across the back of my hand with the pad of his thumb without a word, but it was enough. It was enough to tell me that he understood, even though I couldn’t verbalize my thoughts to him.
“I wanted to contact you. I did. But after I left the cabin, I knew I couldn’t. I knew—”
He interrupted me. “What did you know? What is that you think you know, Jen?”
I turned to him, glancing at Cade before lowering my voice. “I know what you were doing for the Agostinos.”
He let out a sigh. “Jen…”
I didn’t know how to say the rest of it out loud. I didn’t know how to tell him all the things that Krystal had told me—all the secrets and lies that he had been involved with. I knew he would deny most of it. Even if it was true, I somehow knew that he wouldn’t own up to his involvement in anything. Or that if he did, it would only be part of the story.
I winced, my stomach twisting into another knot. “Brandon, I know why you got involved with me in the first place. And I don’t care. It doesn’t matter now, right? That ring is real, isn’t it? So none of that matters. I know you think if I know the truth about all the things you’ve done that I’ll somehow hate you, but it isn’t true. I couldn’t hate you—”
He cut me off. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, Jen.” He gave my hand a squeeze. “And this is wh
y you just need to tell me whatever it is that you’re thinking. Because I have no idea what you’re talking about.” He leaned back into the seat, almost like he was relieved. A small smile formed on his face. “I’ve already told you that story, and that story is one hundred percent the truth. I saw you playing the piano when you were a teenager and I knew. I knew then that I loved you, just like I know it now. So I don’t know what any of that other stuff is.”
I knew he was lying, but it didn’t matter now. There was just so much—so much that had happened in the last nine months. And I knew too much now. I knew more than he thought I did, anyway. And I didn’t care if he was lying to me. I didn’t care if he ever told me the truth about what he did with that family—that goddamned family that had ruined my life. I knew he wasn’t one of them—he had worked for them. He might still be working for them, but it didn’t really matter. If the ring was real—if his feelings for me were real—none of the other stuff mattered. I could almost understand now why he felt like he needed to lie to me all the time. Why he felt like I couldn’t handle the truth—not that anyone had ever given me anything close to the whole truth, but I knew more now than I ever had. I knew enough to know when someone was lying—and I knew damned well that Brandon telling me he didn’t know what I was talking about was a giant lie. I just couldn’t confront him on it here. Not in front of Cade.
“Do you know what she wants from me?” He looked over at me, his blue eyes boring into mine. There was something there—some knowledge that I knew he wasn’t sharing with me.
I shook my head. “I have no idea. I didn’t think it would ever get this far.”
His eyes narrowed. “That what would get this far?”
“Any of this.” I blew out another long breath. “Brandon, you have to stop treating me like I don’t know things. Or like I’ll break if I know the truth about things. I won’t.”
He closed his eyes for a moment before returning his gaze to mine. “I’m not, Jen. I swear, I’m not. I just don’t want to scare you. There are things going on here that even I don’t understand. There are things—”
I interrupted. “I know, Brandon.” I wished I could just knock him over the head and make him understand that I understood. “You don’t need to treat me like a child. I know.”
“You don’t. You don’t know, and you don’t need to know. And I’ll do everything I can to make sure you never have to know.”
I closed my eyes, almost in frustration. “Brandon…” I opened my eyes, setting my jaw. “I know. I know what you did with the Agostinos. And I know the rest. You aren’t the only person…”
He shook his head, squeezing my hand again. “Jen, if you knew everything, you wouldn’t be speaking to me.”
“And again, that doesn’t make me feel better. But I know what you did for them. What you did for my father. And if there’s more, then you’re right. Maybe I wouldn’t be speaking to you.”
His gaze narrowed a bit and he cocked his head. “We’ll talk about this when we don’t have an audience.”
I heard Cade chuckle.
“You’re killing me, Brandon.” I let out another heavy sigh. “I’m trying to tell you it doesn’t matter to me.”
“It matters.”
“Of course it matters. I’m just saying it doesn’t matter to me. I don’t care what you did for him. And I don’t know why Marian wants to see you tonight. I just know that I want us to be together. It doesn’t matter what happened in the past.”
His gaze narrowed and he glanced out the window before turning to me. “Is that why you’ve been hiding? Because of what you think I did for the Agostinos? Or what I did for your father? Because that doesn’t make any sense at all, Jen.” He scraped his free hand across the stubble lining his jaw. “I mean, you hiding because of that doesn’t make any sense. So I don’t think we’re talking about the same thing, here. And I don’t want to discuss it in front of him.” He motioned with his head toward Cade. “So unless there’s some way you have of communicating what the hell it is you’re talking about without actually saying it, we need to drop this discussion. Now.”
“I think you know exactly what I’m talking about. And I think we both know that isn’t why I’ve been hiding. One thing has nothing to do with the other. I just wanted you to know that I know you have a side of your story with my father and the Agostinos. And that isn’t why I’ve been living in Maine for the past nine months.”
“Fucking hell, Jen. This is the most confusing conversation I’ve ever had. I don’t even know what in the hell you’re trying to say. Let’s just stop talking—all this cryptic bullshit is giving me a headache.”
I rolled my eyes, but I knew he wasn’t wrong. Speaking in whatever code like this was beginning to give me a headache, too. And I knew I could trust Cade—Brandon just didn’t know that. Not yet. But I knew Cade was just as trustworthy as Krystal. He had proved it to me over and over again since I had left with him that day in Montana. “I’ve been hiding in Maine because of me. Not because of you. Is that non-cryptic enough for you?”
“No. And are you sure you want to be discussing this in front of Cade, Jen? Because he hasn’t been the most trustworthy confidant that I’ve ever known.”
“I’m positive.”
“He sold you, Jen. He sold you out, and you’re willing to just blindly trust him like that?” His eyes narrowed. “He sold you.”
“You’re wrong. He didn’t. And if you had been here—”
“Bullshit. Fuck, this is such bullshit.” He pulled his hand from mine. “Do you have any idea what I’ve been through to find you? Any fucking clue what I’ve gone through? And you’re with him willingly? I don’t even know what to say anymore.” He crossed his arms in front of him, shaking his head as he turned his gaze to the window. “You chose them. You chose them over me.”
My stomach twisted with guilt. My voice cracked as I spoke. “That isn’t true, Brandon. I didn’t choose this. Not exactly. I—”
“Not exactly.” He shook his head, still looking out the window. “Even if you didn’t exactly choose them, you still chose them. You chose this. Fuck, I’ve been so stupid. All this time, I thought you couldn’t contact me, not that you didn’t want to. I’ve been a fucking idiot. And now I get to go be kicked in the balls again by your mother…” His voice trailed off and he raked a hand through his black curls. “I’m an idiot.”
“Again?” His words were only beginning to seep into my consciousness. “Again, Brandon? As in, you’ve been kicked in the balls by Marian before?”
3
Nine Months Ago - Brandon
“Do you know how to use that thing?”
Melissa waved the gun at me, lifting an eyebrow. “Do you want to find out?”
I couldn’t believe Ryan had left me alone in a room with her, let alone left me alone with her with a gun in her hand. This was the woman who had roomed with Jen for God-only-knew how long, and neither of the women had ever left me with the impression that either of them would even know how to hold a gun, let alone use one.
I leaned back in my chair, staring across the table at her. There really was no need for a gun at all—it wasn’t as though I was going to go anywhere. I knew what would happen to me if I did.
We sat there for a long while, staring at each other. I tried to think of how to phrase what I needed to ask her without insulting her—I didn’t want to risk the possibility that she actually did know how to use a gun. I didn’t really know her that well. It was certainly possible that I was wrong about her and that she did know how to use one.
I finally spoke. “Where did Ryan go?”
She merely lifted a brow again, not answering my question.
My fingernails bit into my palms and I tried not to show my frustration to her. “We’re on the same side, you and me. We both want what’s best for Jen.”
“Oh, really?” She nodded theatrically. “Is she aware of what you did to Amanda?”
“I didn’t do anything to Amanda. I
went there that night to warn her, not to kill her. If you would have let me explain—”
She shook her head, interrupting me. “I don’t need to hear your explanations, lover boy.” She lowered her elbows to the table, still pointing the gun in my direction. “And I don’t want to hear anything you have to say.”
“You betrayed your best friend. And for what? For Ryan? He’s using you, you know.” I knew I had to tread lightly—after all, she was the one with the gun pointed at my chest. “He’s only with you to get to Jen.”
“Right. And you’re only with Jenna to get to her father.”
“That isn’t true.” I shook my head. “There’s a lot to the story that you don’t know, Melissa. A lot that I’m sure Ryan hasn’t taken the time to explain—”
She leaned forward, her voice rising. “I know everything I need to know. I know about you. I know that Jenna’s better off where she’s at than with you.”
“You think leaving her in a pool of her own blood is the best thing for her? You’re seriously telling me that you think she’s better off being alone in that cabin than she would be with me?” My fists clenched again as my heart began to race. “I’ve only done what I’ve done to protect her. And you don’t know half of what I’ve done.” And I didn’t want her to know any of it. I didn’t want Melissa to know, and I definitely didn’t want Jen to know. I wasn’t even really sure what Melissa thought she knew, though I doubted she knew much.
“Does she know who you’re working for? Have you told her that much?”
My jaw tightened. Maybe she did know more than I thought she did. “I work for myself.”
She let out a loud laugh. “You expect me to believe that? God, you’re even worse than Ryan said you were.”